Steve Blum: i see it. live-action Vision of Escaflowne.
Mary Elizabeth McGlynn: right? we can use the track from Hawaii High School.
Steve: i'm sick of wasting one whole week of fast food on a KFC biscuit, you know?
Mary: babe you gotta have at least a burger a week. substantial meat.
Steve: there's gotta be a way to get biscuits from the store.
Mary: but not in that cylinder of dough with the Stay Puft Pillsbury Dough Boy.
Alan Watts: those cylinders pop in your face like a motherfucker.
Mary: ready-made biscuits in a bag that you just heat up in the microwave. get to planting in the soil, Steve honey!!!
Alan Watts: that boy is a demon. the Pillsbury Dough Boy. you know that Hamburger Helper Glove that speaks? he was a demon until i talked to him in my voice and now he just talks about dinner.
Mary: oh you have one of those voices, too?
Mary Elizabeth McGlynn: it's been hard, you know? a hard life. so many expectations dashed, so many romantic entanglements not meant for TV. but then i met Steve. and it just HAPPENED, you know? there was no time to prepare for the lighting bolt of love. it was a coup de foudre.
Mary: my lonely days were over. all these anime cons i had to attend everyone was all lovey-dovey holding hands as they held out for my autograph. i mean you cannot NOT think about having kids ALL THE TIME as you see the children of EVERYONE roaming the halls of the hall.
Steve: do we have kids?
Mary: we keep that secret. like a Hawaii waterfall...
Jen R: thanks for the suggestions but all i need is POM for heart health.
me: do ghosts have teeth?
Jen: sure, they need teeth to eat all that Halloween candy. unless they INHALE it like i do.
me: you vacuum candy with your mouth. ghosts with teeth seems weird, has that uneasy Haunted Mansion feeling.
Jen: nah, every ghost has one cute Snaggletooth like Jewel.
me: i'm ready for your NYC tour. i need a real slice.
Jen R: Domino's was the ONLY pizza that existed in the '80s.
me: all i eat is air-fryer food.
Jen: my family's phone number in the '80s was very close to the local pizza place. you can tell where this story is going...
me: FREE PIZZA!!!
Jen: i'm gonna tug on David Letterman's beard like Santa Claus.
Gladyce: dear, why do i crave a banana smoothie?
Doryce: dear, a banana smoothie is fun to make...
dolphins don't sleep.
Flipper: Jessica Alba...
Flipper: but dolphins have DREAMS, dammit!!!
me: can i still swim with dolphins?
Jen: SeaWorld closed down? Marine World was big in the '80s. you might have to do it private in a speedboat with Gilligan and Skipper.
Spyder Games: Michael Imperioli finally protects MTV...
Morrissey: i want the Smiths song "Hand in Glove" in all Hamburger Helper commercials...
Julie Patzwald: bye everyone, i'm off to Spunday in San Francisco.........with Lindy Lenz...
Valley of the Dolls.
Joey Bishop: come on, folks, telethons can cure anything: cystic fibrosis, AIDS, covid.
Greykid: at night all cats are grey...
Dr. Drew: does this movie get better when the drugs kick in?...
Patty Duke: ah the times we live in, fresh milk by the door for any girl to steal and drink. a bottle of delivered milk is better than a pack of downers delivered by your agent.
Gladyce: a cucumber is too unwieldy, stick with salad...
Michael Weiss: Instagram is weird, you have very very very deadly serious matters mixed with comedy and nostalgia...
David Gilmour: my cock, like my guitar, is layered and symbolic. takes its time.
Kamala Harris: you know your credit number the way you know your weight, that is a GREAT line.
Sterling Holloway: beans beans the magical fruit, the more you eat the more you toot, the more you toot the more you feel, so eat your beans at every meal.
Julie Patzwald: i hate hot flashes. i like cold flashes, i like the cold.
night sweats: R.E.M. "Nightswimming" but not fun...
Spalding Gray: i do covid retreats up in the hills.
Julie Patzwald: blood oranges, dark chocolate, tofu. not my goth diet. a heart-healthy diet. for Halloween instead of candy.
Jim Cantore: how do you get a lightning storm without a power outage? i go up there and beat up Zeus myself.
Zeus: do you stroke your lightning at night? do the humans use your bald head as a weather vane?
Billy Corgan: i want "Pentecost" to be played at my funeral.........it's a good eulogy song...
Doc Willoughby on America's Test Kitchen: severance pay?!!! that's bullshit!!!
Dan Souza: lower your voice, Doc, this is PBS.
Doc: 25 fucking years. if it wasn't for me Bill Nye the Science Guy wouldn't be a thing!!! he has ataxia, i have the morbs. my backyard pool is cornstarch not water.
The Venture Bros.: Thundarr the Barbarian is where super-science comes from...
Ookla: man doesn't need a swimming pool tho, you know?
Valley of the Dolls.
Patty Duke: wait so my drug use all starts with a Tylenol AM?
Jack Tripper: *his fist in his mouth* i'm the telegram boy.
Barbara Parkins: what are we eating, brown bits?
English man: nope, charcoal.
Aunt Bee from Andy Griffith: you want a male kitty?
Barbara: is that an upper?
Patty Duke: skim milk?
Sharon Tate: just a Pepsi Milk for me, thanks.
Dr. Robbins: mass love is a thing. but it only happens on mass transit...
Susan Hayward: it's not love of the Catholic?
Laertus: this is the first time we're reviewing a movie that got a Turkey in the All Movie Guide...
the Gorton Fisherman for All Movie Guide: yeah i'm that Erlewine guy who knows everything but is mysterious and you don't know what he looks like...
Gorton Fisherman: i know everything about music, too...
Melissa Maker: you'll miss me the next time a laundry ball rolls out of your shed and bounces into your lap.
Jackie Chan: Rush Hour was a stupid movie. why did i stop making seminal kung-fu films in Hong Kong? not everyone has to move. Chris Tucker is a cool man, he was just so funny i had to be with him.
Chris Tucker: big yikes. that was funny. we joke around a lot.
Bruce Lee: Jackie Chan was the only person who ever made me laugh.
Woody Allen: so the bucket hat thing, i started that...
Akira Kurosawa: come on, man.
Captain Kirk: why did the REAL Enterprise never go into outer space? i've lost some weight since then...
Laytown Races: horse racing on a beach.
Tom Cruise: very Cocktail...
Uncle Sigh: you're just masking the problem.
Laytown Races: LazyTown is over, okay? a meetup in Meath with Graham Norton.
Graham Norton: i hope you have all your teeth.
Rick Steves: PBS is the only oasis of culture left on Earth. am i an Oasis fan? i'm godly. i own Europe. fuck Liam Gallagher. know what i mean?...
Mary Elizabeth McGlynn: so what do you do to cheer up the Islands when i'm down?
Steve Blum: you want me to put it on or you?
Mary straps a pirate headband onto Steve Blum's head and adjusts it lovingly in front of his forehead.
Mary: third eye. wanna borrow my earring?
Steve: i get up on stage and sing Toto's "Hold the Line" for the locals.
Mary: VERY inspirational song. Steve looks like the lead singer of Toto...
Steve: the locals dance into the night, there's only night here during Christmas, the summer tourists don't realize this...
Mary hugs Steve squishy and gives him a gentle kiss.
Mary: love isn't always on time.
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