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Stevie Nicks: i'm adrift in bliss. are you ready?
Garry Shandling: oh yes. your bedroom is exactly how i pictured it in my fetid mind: rugs from India as wallpaper, the pungent scent of incense coming from all four corners, and a brimful of asha in the center of the bed. everything all in a swirl.
Stevie: a spiral.
Uzumaki: that poster on your wall is not a Fraser spiral illusion, you really do have a black hole in your head...
Uzumaki: why does Stevie Nicks's bedroom look like a Flower Child's college dorm?...
Brendan Fraser: Billy Corgan came to my house hollering at me at 1AM in the morning.
Billy Corgan: you made me blind. my eyes went blind when i saw you in The Whale. i was working on the Aeroplane Flies High box set...
Stevie: well, get in bed with me. let's get started. did you brush your teeth?
Garry: you're supposed to brush your teeth?
Stevie: crack open a new toothbrush and don't stain my toilet.
Garry: i love how the only waterbed is this blanket we're under.
Garry: dinner, check. time for the show.
Stevie: sorry for eating all the duck sauce.
Garry: so i'm at the corner comedy club Furley's testing out my new standup routine.
Stevie: go on, i'm just getting my Pesto Penguin plush stuffed animal.
Garry: my opening act is Andy Griffith.
Stevie: didn't know he did stand-up.
Garry: he doesn't. he just got up on stage and started hollering about how bad Don Knotts was in the Mr. Furley role on Three's Company.
Don Knotts: you can't say that!!! me as Furley, that's a sacred cow!!!
Jack Tripper: Three's Company had three pilots, one for each of us...
Garry: so i get up there and start talking about seeing yet another motherfucking truck with a bumper sticker, except this one said Vietnam vet. AND he had a child in middle school who was an honor student. THAT man eluded the Rambo curse. just then a heckler throws a bottle of Yakult in my eye.
heckler: that's disrespect, you Seinfeld wannabe.
Garry: the Yakult STINGS!!! son of a bitch. hey folks, remember when we were young and decadent and just casually bought Yakult?
heckler: when you're done with your set take it outside and i'm gonna give your ugly face my flying knee.
Stevie: it's very sad, Garry, people look at your face and ask me if you have cancer. so what'd you do?
Garry: i couldn't tell him i flying-knee'd, too, that i played Pro Wrestling on the Nintendo Entertainment System, nobody can do that. this is hard for me to confess out in public but.........*heavy sigh*.........my heckler was John Cleese.
John Cleese: you cheese-eating surrender monkey. that seems like something Monty Python would say, you know?...
Garry: here, i salvaged the day somehow.
Stevie: aw that's sweet. it's so lame that it's sweet.
Garry: like me.
Stevie: a tiny round apple pie with I'M FALLING FOR YOU in icing.
Garry: they only sell these in Autumn.
Garry: whatever you do, do NOT order pizza on the Uber Eats app...
Stevie: you know why i'm so short? the weight of my heaving tits is too much for my small frame.
Garry: your eyes are hypnotic.
Stevie: are they? hadn't noticed. you can't see your own eyes...
Garry using Stevie's phone: hello? i'm doing a project with child actors. are there any kid actors left in Hollywood? hey how about that Bobby Driscoll fellow? is he still around?.........he's probably working on Ciao! Manhattan right now?.........okay, goodbye...
Roger Federer: where do i redraw the country lines between Switzerland and Italy?
Lucio Rossi: we're cool state actors. you keep the snow, we get the cheese and chocolate. no glacier gerrymandering. this is Europe, not America, we're better, we don't cheat.
Archer: save the skiing for me.
Roger: Switzerland has landlocked glaciers?...
Futurama "Otherwise": terrible title. anything else would have been better.
Zoidberg: Deja Vu.
Hermes: Pocket Series Finale.
Leela: The Many Ghosts of the Spaceship.
Fry: Mrs. Fry No Matter What.
Andy Warhol: my 9 Campbell's Soup Cans poster on the dirty can-opener's wall. he also has a bare can completely without a label on that wall, she's showing all her tin.
Sailor Venus: my legs are longer than the Vampire State Building...
me to Jen R: life, let's find out...
Billy Corgan: the ending made you cry. admit it. see? only country music can make you cry like that. my next country album will be entitled Mutineer...
Jackie Fitzgerald: put the cherry tomatoes on top of the spaghetti, not in the sauce...
Leslie Sbrocco: everything's on top of the spaghetti. the juicy tomatoes BECOME the sauce...
Jackie: like a salad. you can't put anything under the spaghetti.
Pete Rose: i earned every one of those hits. i got a charlie horse from baseball. O.J. Simpson was not my friend, he was my business partner. you better let me in the Hall of Fame, the goddamn Baseball Hall of Fame, it's my only home now. the WWF World Wrestling Federation Hall of Fame ain't the same. the Las Vegas Reds, it's gonna happen. and then shall i be redeemed. there's a slushie named after me.
Gina Little: for my birthday i got a time machine and went back to the FIRST Twilight movie. a special boy took me to see it, one who took a gap year in 2008 to do the important stuff, go on dates rather than study Finance in college.
me squeezing the last bit of Go-Gurt down my throat: that was back when i wanted to be an Elector. to meet a Kardashian or a West. you qualify to be a United States Elector by playing cycle polo in Portlandia...
Stevie in bed with Garry: ready to binge 14 hours straight of Degrassi?
Garry in bed with Stevie: i know, right? this show becomes a cult after a few episodes, you get hooked.
Stevie: not hooked, addicted. you can't stop even if you want to. the cult lasts 5 years. for those 5 years you watch every of the Degrassis: grade school, junior high, high school, and college. every line of dialogue, every character nuance.
Garry: how'd you get out of the Degrassi Cult? how'd you break the curse? aren't you a witch?
Stevie: thankfully Degrassi: Next Class sucked balls, that was the only way, i wouldn't have escaped otherwise.
Garry: well that was fun. got any more VHSs?
Stevie: this one.
Gary: Wicked City? i dunno about this one, it's an '80s anime distributed by a porn company.
Stevie: we'll skip over all the tentacle gang rape scenes. that leaves 10 minutes.
Garry: why are all these English voices hammy Love Boat voices? i believe this is the first time i've seen a blowjob animated.
Stevie: Spider-Woman but not what i was picturing. why is her vagina a zippered Kate Spade bag?
Garry: foggy airport, very Casablanca.
The Pope: plenipotentiary sounds like cotton candy.
Stevie: that little troll pervert freak is named Maillard? as in the Maillard reaction, i had a boyfriend tell me he knew why the Maillard reaction made food taste good. it was because of the browning.
Garry: oh Lindsey. 300 years, we need this peace treaty for the Middle East. no terrorism, that plane was just a Boeing.
Stevie: in the tunnel, demon cum or a Washed Out carwash?
Brad Pitt: even hitmen fall in love.
Stevie: take it from me, honey, always best to have a LOT of ex-boyfriends...
Spalding Gray: really all those soapland things are there just to clean you, that's it.
Stevie: you know the romance has arrived when you hear a Hawaiian hula girl singing in the background and it's just the two of them driving in a car at night, there's no other car on the freeway...
Fuerza: they fucked in a church? now THAT is spicy. they fucked in front of the Virgin Mary?
Stevie: yeah people did this all the time, like the princess of France would marry the prince of England and have a baby to unite the two warring countries.
Brandon Lee: this ending is like the roof ending of The Crow.
Hinata: this ending is like the Lost Heaven ending of Episode 500 of Naruto: Shippuden...
Steve McQueen: nah, it's one of MY endings...
Boris Johnson: BE A MAN!!!
Prince Harry: i can't take you seriously with that hair.
Boris: you minger. you miserable git. being a Royal is fun. all i ever wanted was to be a Royal, they have the best parties. with this hair i can only dance the Court Jester Dance.
Prince Harry: don't give me your secret cancer.
Stevie: whoa, one of the collected memories from the Twilight Zone episode "The Mind of Simon Foster" was the school from The Kids of Degrassi Street!!!
Kurt Cobain: that's me in the high school yearbook!!! high school sucked.
Morgan Bolling: i don't know what it's like to have your house flooded. wait yeah i do, my washing machine leaks all the time. getting down on your knees is hard, it HURTS.
Waldo: why does every man in Paris wear the Where's Waldo shirt? to attract Mireille you really need to be wearing a Yale sweater like me.
Alan Watts: mushroom trees!!!
Big Ben: remember, at all times it's always 6PM...
Drake Hogestyn: i hate hoagies. i'm getting into this thing called pizza. it's not a mullet, it's my hair. i may just be an actor, but everyone becomes Rambo with duct tape. i raise my eyebrow when i'm acting because i don't know which camera i'm supposed to be looking at...
Garry: stick your finger up your hole, then out comes a Tootsie Roll.
Stevie: i do. but take a closer look, this Tootsie Pop we're sharing is actually a new flavor.
Garry: oh yeah, Milk Chocolate, not just Chocolate.
Stevie: nobody sucks on the Chocolate ones so nobody notices.
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