NEW AGE TRAVELLERS: PRESSURE COOKER

 

dad and Alan Watts are traveling on the road around the world on a spiritual quest aboard The Liver Birds double-decker bus.

dad: thanks for picking me up, Princeton was getting boring, i'm smarter than those people.

Alan Watts: okay but you do all the driving, i don't have time to drive, i need to save my time to think.

dad: i'm scared to drive but i'll do it.

Alan: we were okay when we were at Stonehenge, everyone makes a pit stop at Stonehenge. now where do we go?

dad: i'm fucking hungry.

Alan: i got this pressure cooker here i stole from my last retreat. 

dad: your forehead is sweating.

Alan: i'm under a lot of pressure to prepare a nice meal for the both of us in this cooker constantly. i don't know what to put in it, i'm thinking ice cream.

dad: yeah i've seen one of those things, in my Princeton dorm room, my roommate was an atheist, until the pot was eventually filled with pot. and the point was lost. it's a multicooker, it cooks ANYTHING. try a souffle. who you calling?

Alan: i'm emitting a silent wolf howl from my bowels in hopes of contacting David Bowie...

Holt Hanley: wanna go out? i could take you on a surfing date. i get so excited when you talk about all the activities people can do around the Monterey Peninsula.

Ariana Araiza: there's only one activity i do: fucking. and the Salinas Rodeo. i mean i don't mind but i'm married, you know?

Holt: we have so much in common.

Ariana: it's really just the weather. but everyone has the weather in common...

Holt Hanley: what if i told you i was Deadpool...

Ariana Araiza: but your face doesn't look like a prune.

Holt: aren't scars sexy?

Ariana: prunes help you poo. i see it sometimes in Salinas.

Holt: what if i told you i was E.Z. Taylor in real life...

Ariana: NOW you're attractive to me.

President Bump: because of my presidency, kids vaped at an all-time high to deal with the stress. you're welcome, America, fuck yeah i ate word salad i mean egg salad with Elton John, yeah i did. nicotine pouch, like the surface of my skin.

Gorton Fisherman: the sea fog mixed with the smell of chocolate chip cookies from the bakery, that is heaven, that is the opposite of Davy Jones's locker which smells like wooden socks.

Julia Ioffe: where's the bakery on this tugboat?

Gorton Fisherman: lubbers don't live.

Julia Ioffe: you gotta find love NOT online...

Gorton Fisherman: i smell like fish.

Julia Ioffe: someone will love you. i like men in uniform.

Marcos de la Fe: i'm if Jimmy Kimmel got an autograph from Jean-Luc Picard and my hero was Hitomi from The Vision of Escaflowne.

Hitomi: these tarot cards are not form Scotland...

Joe Biden: Kamala, i want you to win.

Kamala Harris: thanks, Joe.

Joe Biden: moneyless tho, you know? i carry no cash.

me: i want the fairytale wedding. i want to say i married my best friend. my BFF is now my wife. Jen, you are my best friend.

Jen R: you want the CNN wedding...

Talia: i'm fancy because i'm small.

Trinity: i know, ONLY YOU get your back-nails cut...

Trinity: what does it feel like to have soft hind quarters?

Talia: i don't walk, i GLIDE.

Burger King Bacon King: you don't enjoy me because i don't have any pickles...

Alan Watts: good food takes time, right? culinary magic to feed our vision journey. 

dad: eat a lot of beets to see in the dark. i'm not wolfing for Aaron Rodgers. 

Alan: there are no plugs on this bus. and i'm not talking about the women. i'm trying to coalesce the energon particles floating all around us to power this damned circular contraption.  

dad: fast-food meat is ghastly, just stick with the bread products: the KFC biscuit, the McDonald's fries...

Alan: donuts for dinner, that is my dream.

dad: have an all-sweet diet: fruit and candy.

Alan: i like tea.

dad: yes but do you drink tea WITHOUT SUGAR? only that is hardcore...

Futurama: don't want to pay for Hulu? power through that headache, react to it on YouTube, your editor lives in Austria so she's not working on one hour sleep...

The Farmer's Dog referee commercial: i dare you not to cry.

me: and i'm a cat person.

Greykid: YOU SUCK, REF!!!

Jen R: i'm bi, i like dogs and cats...

me: John McEnroe wouldn't have been the winner he was without his brattiness.

Jen R: he had the same hair as Bob Ross. has anyone at a tennis tournament gotten out of the stands, jumped onto the tennis court, and run around?

me: i wish. not naked. smelly tho. it's not so much that they jump, they FALL onto the court.

Jen: gotcha, only the drunkies at a local tournament, save the streakers for Wimbledon when more grand eyes are watching.

Jen R: what's your Vaporwave name?

me: Purple Purpose.

Jen: no, Purple Porpoise. 

on the next episode of Empty Nest...

old doctor: i'm trying to teach my kids safety but i'm afraid the times have passed me by.

normal daughter: nicotine patch.

crazy daughter: no, nicotine POUCH.

Joe Isuzu: gramps, you're so old you need a TOBACCO pouch...

and now, Samuel Hahnemann for Folgers Crystals...

Samuel Hahnemann: so i was playing my favorite video game Kingdom Hearts as my favorite character Sora when i had a stroke. but really i was just having a fit over not being able to get past the ski level.

Super Mario: you needed the Sora Mushroom...

Mushishi: i'm the only one here taking this seriously...

Spock of Sea Shepherd aboard an unmarked boat: i mean we're the good pirates, you know? the whales only have us.

Batman: Caped Crusader penultimate episode Episode 9 "The Killer Inside Me".

Patricia Heaton: i play the waitress.

Ossie Davis: i play the alleyway victim.

Ethel Mertz: i play the moll. 

Montoya: parks a bullet in your knee, that's good writing.

Alfred: you call me Pennyworth? show some respect, young Master Bruce, i was the one who raised you.

Bruce Wayne: i'm sorry, Alfred, i'm not used to this whole weird Batman thing.

Harvey Dent: the ending of this episode is the ending of Scarface, get it?...

cymbals crashing: you're thinking of Billy Corgan right now...

Robert Crumb: i'm gonna live to 100...

Trent Reznor: is the second N in NIN really backwards?...

the Joker in the final episode of Batman: Caped Crusader "Savage Night": show me how you ratchet these handcuffs.........anyone OTHER THAN Harley...

me: in my dream it's an episode of Storybook International with a talking cat. it was going to be a great episode, a different episode, but then i woke up...

Greykid: you could actually see the cat's mouth move...

Jen R: in my dream my stone square-tile shower has a window.

me: in the bathroom?

Jen: no, in the shower.

me: for others to peep through?

Jen: to let the steam out...

Skylar at Safeway: hey, don't take the receipt the cashier gives you, crumple it up, and put it in your pocket, that's disrespectful to us cashiers...

L.A. Rams: i know it's Los Angeles but we're not frivolous about life. we understand the important things, the important stuff: wills and beds...

Wendy Richard: it's easy for us British actors, we all just enroll at RADA...

Rock Odyssey: Cool World + Dragon's Lair + Heavy Metal but it's PG...

Mardith on Instagram: everyone wants me show my tits, not my cookies...

Alan Watts: aw, fuck it, let's just go to Jack in the Box, pull out and pull in to the nearest Jack when the moment hits you. where's the next exit? when's the next offramp?...

dad: not till France.

the two shiny spirit schleppers finally make it to the Jack in the Box drive-thru. Deadpool is at the window.

Deadpool: clearance is 12 inches, you had no chance from the start. how big are your tits?

Alan Watts: my good man we are as they say in the vernacular fucking starving.

Deadpool: sorry, pops, all our tea has sugar. it's not the jumbo egg rolls which are a marvel, it's the mini chimis. making chimichangas miniature is a feat of science.