TENNIS TWINS: DJOKOVIC DANGERFIELD

 

Morrissey is in the owner's box at the U.S Open.

Morrissey: don't worry, i'm not here to make a fuss, i'm in and and i'm out, i'm just here to support my dear friend Novak Djokovic in his ceremony today. i'm no troublemaker, no rabblerouser, i'm just a man with feelings.

Chris Evert: hi Moz!!! see? you have a cool mom.

Morrissey kisses Chris's hand.

Morrissey: why my, fair lady, did you come to the ball alone?

Chris: this is my hairy husband. don't get his cooties on your perfectly-coiffed hair when you shake his hand.

Jimmy Connors: Moz you fucking not magnificent bastard. ceremony for that joker Novak?

Morrissey: call me Steven, sir. i have to wipe that handshake off my hand with my silk puce handkerchief. and YES Naughty Novak's being honored tonight. right?

everyone in the booth shakes their heads.

Massive Attack "Daydreaming" music video: um, we're breathing INDOORS and we can see the fog coming off our mouths!!! it's that cold!!! this is very UNNERVING.

Tricky: don't use the C-word, mate.

Banksy: hey, you like my Fresh Prince funky hat?...

Ear Horn: those charm dolls are CREEPY!!! let me spell with a billiken instead...

Super Mario: THE SWEET SOUND OF SANITATION!!!

Super Luigi: i think you mean SMELL...

Super Mario: no, bro, i HEAR the trash trucks coming.

Super Luigi: after 3 weeks cos of the holidays...

Super Mario: that is a PILE of trash...

Monterey Credit: we help good people with bad credit get into new cars. GOOD PEOPLE being the key words here.........if you're a bad person you don't get the keys...

Monterey Credit: GOOD PEOPLE being the operative words here.........if you're a bad person you don't get to operate one of our used cars...

Violetta Laze: you want me to PADRE PIO YO ASS?!!!

Italian volcano: Lucio drinking lemon juice on lurking days...

Hannah Storm: i make sixty sexy.

Hannah Storm's daughter: mom's a sextie...

Super Mario, crying: when the trash trucks come, that's the most exciting thing that ever happens to me in my life.

Tombow art pencils: not just for tomboys...

Tim Tebow: and not just for tomboys who grow up to be me...

Ariana Araiza: if you're walking your dog in this biting cold. or, you know, if you're walking yourself. protect your plants overnight. don't let them freeze. i'm a goth princess so i care DEEPLY about your plants. your kids not so much.

Dirg: are you on Chispa?...

The Barnyard janitor: it's the lighthouse life for me. a lighthouse situation. i live in the chamois janitorial closet in the Barnyard, i'm here at 5AM Saturday morning working on my truck.

Boc: i walk to the water station, i look at the water station, and walk back. people think i'm a mental patient, that there's something wrong with me mentally, but this is just my walking routine...

dogs: why is it that the ONLY time we poo outside on the public grass is at 7:30AM in the morning?...

empty leg: Doryce on Thursdays...

Michael Weiss on Instagram: really? EVERYBODY is asleep?!!!...

Hope at Lucky: i have Seasonal Affective Disorder but i'm not SAD, i'm a goth so i LOVE the darkness of the night sky.

Julie Patzwald: is there a sale on these ring lights? no not to make stupid TikTok videos, i use the ring light as my SAD light...

able-bodied seamen: Doryce on Thursdays...

Doryce: if Bama's semen isn't handicapped...

Bama: and broken down...

Joe Flacco: i'm hotter than you.

Tom Brady: can't be.

Joe Flacco: i am. suck it, Brady.

The Outer Limits "Identity Crisis": to have TWO high-profile actors Teri Polo and Lou Diamond Phillips fuck like that is special. we usually save the really raunchy sex stuff for the unknown Canadian actors...

Teri Polo: props to them for showing hot sex between a wife and a husband for a change...

Lou Diamond Phillips: i look like Rimmer from Red Dwarf. NEVER fly in a single-engine plane FOR ANY REASON...

The Outer Limits: sex scenes in the '90s were so easy. a good-looking man meets a good-looking woman and within the first ten minutes, right after the first commercial break, he'd give her the look and the two of them would be completely naked and fucking on top of a bed of satin sheets.

Mardith: very sexist back then.

Showtime: there is nothing better than a sex scene filmed on tape in Canada in the '90s...

Padre Pio in dreadlocks: pray, hope, and don't worry...

Jimmy Fallon: on weekends i do the Sabado Gigante thing on Saturday mornings where i'm the psychic necromancer guy with the crescent moon and purple drapes in the back and phone in front. i'm bald, i have a fu-manchu, and i'm a bit heavier...

at the Sandra + Valentina wedding at Casa Karma in Puerto Vallarta.

Sandra + Valentina: why y'all naked?

guests: you said tropical attire...

Lemon Cove, California: the real-life setting of Adventure Time...

Olivia from Night Court (2023): so, writers, Olivia needs a love interest soon...

Dan Fielding: we'll have ONE one-night stand which will last ONE episode...

India de Beaufort: i just realized, i'm named after Olivia from NBC's flagship show SVU...

India de Beaufort: Olivia has no last name. my name means beautiful...

shadow ram: a mythical spirit animal, nothing to do with computers...

praps: perhaps.

Teri Polo: props.

mom: i'm on the stationary bike just like those NFL players right before they take the field for the first quarter...

event staff: we only employ 90-year-olds for our security...

the Bangor Bell: history shriveled up like a tissue...

Dennis Weaver: hey, get that drag-race shit off my lawn!!! this is a long residential street, not a STRIP!!!

cul-de-sac: miss me?...

Aeon Flux: "Reraizure," a BRILLIANT take on Pokemon.

Peter Chung: you thought Aeon Flux and Pokemon could never mix but i did it. Nine Inch Nails "I Do Not Want This" was DEFINITELY playing in the writer's room for that episode.

Rorty: Aeon may have fucked Trevor but she has only ever fallen in love with ME.

Aeon: Shakespearean tragedy at the end there. tis better to remember the pain than to forget it...

Lucio Rossi: 0% economic growth in Italy?...

Zanny Minton Beddoes vs. Peggy Noonan, place yer bets, taking all bets. the ring's oiled for this one.

Peggy Noonan: imma beat your ass. my colorful scarves will strangle you. and Danny Phantom is LAME.

Zanny: eat my Zanny fanny. i have a cooler name than you. i'm you but not crazy. i have a GLOBAL perspective.

The Conners.

Darlene: notice how i'm the Roseanne of the show now...

Roseanne: imagine if they snatched the Mona Lisa from under Leonardo da Vinci's straw bed while he was sleeping in a stone room one Mediterranean midnight...

Leonardo: and never returned it to me, no ransom, nothing.

Talia: the kitty litter is just such a wonderful BED OF RICE!!!

Connor Bedard: bedsy of rice.

seagulls: we like flying in the freezing-cold air. we like a little chill in the cold. we're white cos we're snowbirds...

Boc: you can't choose what the weather's gonna be like when you NEED TO WALK FOR HEALTH...

sticker below Andre the Giant's head on a UC Berkeley telephone pole: that's gutters, not guitars...

Jen P: you're gonna need an IV Berkeley after UC Berkeley...

Michael Weiss: when someone says in the comments that your oil painting is an absolutely beautiful drawing, THAT's when it's time to quit Instagram.

Maiara Walsh: but...

Mike McDaniel: no what we REALLY need is a Hard Knocks season of this year's Denver Broncos...

Com Truise: i'm not ambient, i'm everywhere...

Maiara Walsh in a Miata: whatever happened to Skrillex?...

Com Truise: Naruto last intro, if the Queen golem were Zardoz, cats have no speed limit at MIT, when there's a Hello Meteor rainforest shower you need your Neutrogena, the Miyazaki i missed, lost episode of Robotech, Glawio Liquid Television, The Iron Giant would have been cooler with Tachikomas, ThunderCat Tachikomas, Sailor Moon Lorde at the beach, Steven Universe needed a barbershop scene, Popeye with big feet, your real child is a hologram, The Outer Limits in cartoon form, IXI dust when the Moz bomb hits the final Fooly Cooly.

Julie Patzwald: the name of our goth band will be.........Deathcember...

Dirg on his phone: why do i need generic Viagra? i'm lonely.

Greykid in Minster's yard: and cats have no speed limit...

Ambient Swim: the only time a man cries real tears is when he gazes at himself making out with himself. as an Italian waiter. butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high.

Joe Pera: when adult swim canceled me, i felt like David Tennant losing his Doctor Who powers.........the first time...

Holt Hanley: i met my someone on Zoosk.

EZ Taylor: i love you, Holt.

Trojan condoms: wait is that the Statue of Liberty's face on the packet?...

SelectQuote girl: you NEED life insurance. like i NEED to cover my tits with Heidi pigtails.

Stephen A. Smith: big sigh.........the Cowboys are gonna win the Super Bowl...

Boc: good morning my BATTALION of birdy babies. a day without dog lunges is a day without strife. where my Carmel gangstas at? where is the tough gangsta inner-city side of the street in Carmel? where's the Carmel ghetto?

Michael Weiss on Instagram: Happy New Year.........and goodbye forever...

in the skybox at the U.S. Open. Novak Djokovic takes the '80s brown-and-beige loudspeaker microphone from St. Cyril's that looks like a sink spray-nozzle.

Novak Djokovic: the AP said they were naming me Male Athlete of the Year.

AP: we've decided to go in another direction. we gave it to Lance Armstrong.

Novak Djokovic, brow sweating, eyes red and darting, cheeks puffy, ears foaming: that's some bullshit. the AP has NEVER given me this damn award!!! even that year when i won 2 Grand Slams!!! as in 8 GRAND SLAMS!!! i deserved it that year, man, and you went with Gary Coleman.

Novak Djokovic: you want me to turn the hose on you guys? I GET NO RESPECT!!!.........why aren't they reacting to me?

Morrissey: your mic's not on.

Novak: oh. I GET NO RESPECT!!! they're still not reacting to me.

Morrissey: because you're Novak Djokovic.

Novak: i'll show all you bastards, i'm gonna start MY OWN LEAGUE. it's gonna be called the Novak Noodle League and see if i care!!! i CAN quit you!!!

Morrissey: hey Novie, like my outfit? i'm wearing silk cream tennis trunks, i'm shirtless, and my tennis racquet is strung with dead flowers.