Jen R and i are at a pop-up carnival in Beverly Hills. i'm on my last of 3 strikes trying to hit milk cans with a grey softball.
me: i can't do it. i can't throw to hit a target to save my life.
Jen R: and you were Fernando Valenzuela's understudy? i TOLD you we should have gone to the Sepulveda Faire.
me: FUCK I CAN'T THROW ANYMORE!!!
Jen R: calm down, dude, there's more to life than balls, take it from me.
me: i wanted to get you that 11-foot Pink Panther plushie.
Jen R: let's go home.
Jen R: and play some trivia.
me: thanks. i needed this quiet. and a couple hits of your Uncle Wiggily hashish.
Jen R: Malibu-grown. Watt is the answer, as in James Watt, Costello's understudy.
Abbot Butt: ...
me: I CAN'T FUCKING TRIVIA ANYMORE!!! i don't know ANY of these questions!!!
Jen R: sure you do, it's just your nerves getting the better of you. why is the sky blue?
me: that's a VERY loaded question...
me on the sofa: sorry back there.
Jen R: want a fruit soda?
me: i can't unwind. how do you do it? how do you stay so smart?
Jen R: i was in a class at school that went to school ON THANKSGIVING DAY.
me: fascinating.
Jen R: yeah, our class had to have LUNCH on Thanksgiving Day and then go back to school ON that day until 7PM that evening...
Jen R: what'd you get me for Christmas? that oughta cheer you up.
me: the pair of rusted brass chipped-red-paint Christmas bells on the doorknob of the microbrewery. they're not so much bells as long square cylinders...
Jen R: those aren't Christmas bells, those are Christmas balls. Max Headroom's balls.
me: can you just be my wife? it would make my life make sense for once, for the one and only time. you're my sanctuary.
Jen R: i'm your Superman? the next time we fuck in bed i want you to think of me, think of my face, think of my name, and scream out SUPERMAN!!!
Jen R: i love you too...
Boc: an itchy foot is a BLESSING...
BJ: no i'm an NFL referee, the back judge...
4 weeks: so is a month bad luck?...
Amazing Stories "Boo": there is nothing more dank then porn on VHS...
Rowena: why didn't you run away with me?
Mr. Holland: your tits weren't big enough...
Lucio: seriously, spam call? you call at 6AM?...
Lottery Scratchers: smoke wins. yes she's a gilf but we were referring to her ugly Christmas sweater with the chimney that pipes out real puffy smoke.
on the World Cup Final pitch.
Kakashi: can you believe we're playing against each other competing on opposite opposing teams for this little soccer game? i mean it's not ninja war or anything but it's something.
Suzy Lu: i know!!! i didn't know you played football. i play football instead of dieting so i can get my Burger King in.
Kakashi: our village invented the sport. this isn't gonna be another Retrieve Sasuke Arc, right? the last one tuckered me out.
Suzy Lu: i love how your team name is on your mask.
Boc: electric skateboard, who knew?
Marty McFly ...
Simon Cowell: ...
Simon Cowell: are you stretching your hams?
Marty McFly on a hoverboard: the whole driving-cars-on-roads thing is a wild concept, it's all up to each of us being polite and courteous and giving the right of way and using the honor system, or all of our freeways and roads would be a pretzel tangle of pancaked-metal chaos and smoky pileups each hour.
Mimi Rogers: i started this whole thing...
Tom Cruise: ...
Thai Guy at Crespi: bring them ALL home...
Lucio: really, spam? at 2:29PM on the dot?...
Lucio: nobody ever gets the hint with these spam calls when i block ALL of them in one day, they keep calling back tomorrow...
CarShield: NEXT VACATION? most people don't have ONE VACATION in their lifetime...
suburbs: country life but you're still able to get to a McDonald's by hitching a bus.
Roger Corman: i'm Roger Corman but i look like your milkman...
cobbing: i SWEAR it's about eating corn...
Garrison Keillor: ...
Tony Hawk: mellow kit, my skateboard uses no gas...
electric skateboard: cheaper and WAY MORE FUN than driving a car...
$16 McDonald's meal: yeah but you could win McD's For Life...
John Elway: i look like dad.
Calle Halfvarsson: it's a good thing i just had a child with Bjork...
Bjork: i like half-and-half in my coffee, not cream...
Takahashi: my ergonomic chair looks like a dragon's tongue with all the pillows.
Dirg: i NEED my pillows, they're not a luxury, i don't got $5000 for your computer chair!!!
Sid's Smokehouse in Aptos: do we sell short ribs or marijuana? it's a moot point, we're permanently closed...
Checkered Past on Cartoon Network: you like our logo? the skeleton skull with the piano mouth. it indicates these shows are DEAD but they stay alive in your heart.
Superman: another Matheson masterpiece...
why does the Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny trailer look like the live-action One Piece trailer?...
The Maxx: the same voice as Assy McGee...
Aeon Flux cartoon: the everyone-who's-watching-this-is-on-drugs mentality of art...
faith: religious hope. but it's still just hope.
Tommy DeVito, quarterback for YOUR New York Football Giants: all Italian men, well all Italian boys, live at home with their parents until they get married. i'm still looking for that special-someone girl...
Tony Manero: keep searching, pally, for it ain't NEVER gonna happen. i tried to move out with Stephanie and it got me in a lot of trouble when i tried the whole Stephanie thing...
Sebastian Maniscalco: it ain't right. why did i have to wait till i was 50 to become a father? i don't have John Stamos's body, the Ice Plunge in my bathroom don't work on me!!!
Andy Cohen: Maniscalco stole all my wine and cheese and hot glue out of my basement...
Andy Cohen: i WILL say, your hands are SO soft. who does your manicure?
Sebastian Maniscalco: i do them myself. a little Oil of Olay between shows.
shingles commercial: creepy. we're not thinking about shingles, what is the disease all the people in the town outside going through their day have that keeps their eyes closed?!!!...
Boc: Carmel has a lagoon?...
Brooke Shields: where?
Boc: that rain-washed air. the Fraggle Rock station wagon from the Pink Floyd "High Hopes" music video i saw make a turn at the corner with that old white man from Northern Exposure licking the steering wheel, no NOT the Texan the other one. rain or shine. please don't talk to me when i'm on my walk, i'm practicing to become a monk...
Talia: this kitty litter has turned to mush...
Trinity: not mulch. gotta swap out.
Eye Luggage: Splash and go.
John Candy: you had NO IDEA i was even IN this movie, did you?
Laertus: i must confess, i did not. please forgive me, Mr. Candy. it's weird, ALL of these years later, decades go by, and i had NO IDEA John Candy was in Splash!!!
Eye: i agree with Ebert, John Candy should have been the romantic lead in this!!! and Tom Hanks should have been the jerk brother!!!
John Candy: i know, right? i would have nailed it as the lead, imagine me as a soft sensitive teddy bear to Daryl Hannah the mermaid. Tom Hanks is GREAT playing snarky, just ask him.
Tom Hanks: i am America's Asshole.
Ron Howard: can i do this?.........resounding yes.
Babaloo Mandel: i got Howie Mandel's looks and Ricky Ricardo's smoking-cigars ability...
drums: we like Desi Arnaz better than Bonham...
Mickey Mouse: touch my stone. we at the Walt Disney Company are PROUD to show you Daryl Hannah's butt and vagina in HD!!!
Goofy: that's Daryl Hannah's real puss?!!!...
Hans Christian Andersen: Best Original Screenplay my Dane ass!!! my bohemian buttocks!!! HELLO?!!!!! The Little Mermaid ANYONE?!!!...
Ron Howard: THIS was actually Disney's first attempt at making a live-action Little Mermaid...
Tom Hanks, age 8, on a boat: mommy, why are we in sepia color?
mom: your father used his ENTIRE life savings to send us on this tugboat.
young John Candy: do we at least get Filet-o-Fishes? they do it SPECIAL in Cape Cod, they use YELLOW relish.
mom: do you ONLY think of food all the time, son?
young John Candy: no i'm also a burgeoning pervert who upskirts all manner of women.
dad: Cape Cod sucks!!! why do we live here? where is Hemingway on his tugboat? the Red Sox are TERRIBLE!!! does this boat tour include pizza cos i'm hungry for some sleepy-seaside-fishing-village Julia Roberts...
Tom Hanks: no i'm not losing my mind, can a person as young as me go crazy? i mean my mind is still so fresh. i saw a mermaid girl.
John: no you were able to breathe underwater, THAT makes you Aquaman.
Tom : i don't have the muscles to play Aquaman.
mom: this is a hallucination brought on by losing too much oxygen to your brain by being underwater too long.
Tom: you just want me not to ever get married to anyone, right?
Shecky Greene: nobody knows what i look like, all they know is i'll be performing at the Catskills this Saturday night right after dinner at 4PM...
Nancy Raffa: nobody messes with me cos i look like Carmela Soprano...
Tom: wait this story could have been effective, tugged at the heart strings a little more, if i had been poor, if i had been a FARMWORKER of the fruit company, but it turns out i OWN this fruit company, i'm rich and drive a Benz so it's less impactful that i can't find love, it dampens it.........having said all that it still remains that...
Tom: EVERYBODY WANTS THIS, WANTS LOVE, to find that special someone, to settle down and play the bee in their kid's 2nd-Grade school play. or maybe the kid is the bee and you become the helicopter parent to a child star. the point is we HAVE a kid, only THEN does life have meaning. who the fuck wants to be wandering around a fruit company when they're 40!!! it's the '80s so everybody finds their soulmate at a bar or piano lounge...
John Candy: FRUIT & VEG!!! GET YOUR FRUIT & VEG OVER HERE!!! not talking about my penis, sack, and balls.
Tom Hanks: that cabbage looks like a scrotum.
at the church wedding.
Tom: you still look up ladies' skirts?!!! you're still a perv? you haven't learned a thing in your entire life? you haven't grown? grown out of it?
John: this is the only way i can meet women. don't knock it till you've tried it. i make good money with my camcorder in hand...
Tom: MY LIFE'S A SHAMBLES!!! YOU HAPPY?
Amy Winehouse: ...
John: hey don't hassle Clint Howard like that, that freak is crazier than even me...
Tom: complaints?
John: i'm a big bruiser so don't you go around messing with my little skinny brother. SOMEHOW i'm able to afford a Ferrari owning a fruit company, don't check the books, i'm not skimming off the top of our employees' backs.
L: the tomatoes were bruised. don't worry, i made it into a light spaghetti sauce.
Light Yagami: i'm not feeling these unripe apples, can you make them into apple chips?...
John: we're gonna share some time with these random floozies.
Tom: no dice, bro, a timeshare in Indio is SACRED, you know?, it's SPIRITUAL.
Eugene Levy on the beach.
Eugene Levy: should i have worn the speedo? hello, i'm Kornbluth, my name sounds like cereal. i'm a doctor.
Tom: of what?
Eugene: of your mama. i'm a mermaid hunter uh mermaid expert.
Tom: so you got an English degree in college?
Eugene: i wrote science fiction.........on the side...
Daryl Hannah: it would have been PERFECT if i had been in Hannah and Her Sisters...
Daryl Hannah: um CAN I GET A FUCKING BRA?!!! i mean this is weird, right? usually mermaids have the seashell bra or the coconut-shell bra but someone upstairs thought i was just going to go braless throughout the whole movie.
Walt Disney breathing underwater without a device: me.
Daryl: it's the underwater inside-the-hollowed-out pirate ship shipwreck One Piece intro!!!...
Daryl Hannah: i love my mermaid tail, i practiced with it in my trailer, practiced having my feet tied up, i was into Chinese foot-binding BDSM at the time...
Tom: and now this is The Blue Lagoon.
Daryl: i like your Earth information. driver's license for your boat. MasterCard in the '80s had the best design and look...
mastercard: we went William Carlos Williams from 2016 to 2019...
naked Daryl: in my defense, the Statue of Liberty is also naked underneath her robe, i was just being a superfan.
Tom: the apartment i live at, it's the Bosom Buddies Building!!!
Tom: how'd you get this fountain inside this room?
Daryl: by watching $100,000 Pyramid...
Tom: wanna take a bath together?
Daryl: there won't be room with my mermaid tail. a bathtub is a downgrade when you had the ocean. plus, just one box of Arm & Hammer salt costs $16 in '80s inflation...
Daryl: when i climb on top of this streetlight, i see magic.
Tom: you know if we all just stopped to see magic in a streetlight there would be no more war.
Madison: it's weird, right? cos Madison was supposed to be a JOKE NAME...
Tom: tell that to the CW...
Madison: Madison at Bloomingdale's, it has that Breakfast at Tiffany's ring to it.
Tom: ring, i see what you did there. what's your real name?
Madison: you got the Pioneer skyscraper speakers ready?...
Tom: tower away, all the TV screens shattered i'll just put on my Fry's card...
Madison: six days until the moon is full...
Tom: no it's okay, we gave the land back to Hiawatha...
at the ice rink.
Tom: i don't care if you were a man, i'm in love with the soul in front of me.........THIS was the moment i became a trans hero...
at the racquetball court.
John Candy: dude THIS SCENE is the one they used in the Disney Sunday Night Movie intro!!!
Tom: the thing was, everybody in the '80s actually did smoke cigarettes at a racquetball court.
Ryan O'Neal: it was still allowed.
John Candy: doesn't make sense, how can a tiny miniscule little blue ball hit my melon of a head and knock me out?...
Tom: you're really tucking into that lobster...
Madison: this lobster is my ex-boyfriend, so.........both meanings...
Tom: it's like you're snorting cocaine.
reporter crush: how do you make love to a mermaid?
Tom: thank you for using "make love".
reporter: alliteration.
John Candy to employees: haven't you seen someone fuck a fish?
Rubikon: THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES IS GEORGE CLOONEY'S FATHER!!!
George Clooney: my dad FINALLY went for it.
at the dignitary dinner.
Eugene Levy with hose in hand: i woulda made a fine fireman...
Madison alone and freezing in a water box: i'm scared.
Eugene: i won't let them hurt you. but they're planning to turn you into fishsticks...
Eugene: you're hurting her. i got this cast on my arm from sympathetic injury, Madison's pain transferred to my body.
guard: tell me something only a Swede would know.
John Candy, scientist: Swedish porn never shows any cum.
Ingmar Bergman: research.
Swedish scientist accent: a chef's kitchen is called a lab...
Eugene Levy: that never happens!!! the SECOND PROTAGONIST got a kiss from the main girl!!!
at New York Harbor.
Tom: of course i'll go with you, Madison, this is what everybody wants, this kind of love. even if it mean i'll have to live underwater forever. i can't swim.
Madison: it's easier to swim when you're naked...
Tom: wait, let me make one final phone call to Peter Scolari forever...
Tom without scuba gear: oh i hate punching frogs, this film was HUGE in France.
underwater.
Tom to Madison: oh, you live at the airport?...
Rita Coolidge: "Love Came for Me" is a GORGEOUS love song, a SUMPTUOUS love theme. but it's not about a Beast so it won no awards...
Daryl Hannah: during production they kept feeding me McDonald's fries off the pier when i was tied up in my mermaid tail all shrink-wrapped, that was very thoughtful of them. tho i prefer Burger King fries.
Tom Hanks: who PREFERS Burger King fries?!!! we fed the fries to you like you were a trained seal.
Daryl: bark bark bark.
John Candy: see? Tom Hanks is mean.
Daryl: mouth of a sailor, soul of a mermaid...
Tom Hanks: there is only ONE PHYSICAL COPY of the Splash soundtrack left anywhere on the entire globe and it's at my mansion. i will give it to the lucky one who wins the chance to bulk me up, make my body muscular by working me in the gym 3 times a day, i want fucking BIG-ASS MUSCLES...
Jen R: i have that LP record in a milk crate at my NYC condo. g'night folks.
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