still on the ice mountain.
Lindy Lenz: how are you doing?
Bruce Lee: i should be asking you.........but i'm terrified.
Lindy Lenz: don't worry, Ear Horn has come through for us.
in another hour a St. Bernard named Tom Hanks from Family Ties reaches the stranded pair carrying two tiny barrels of elixir around his neck.
Bruce: they look like little balls. good boy, what have you brought to heal me?
Lindy: i thought I healed you.
Bruce: oh this is cool. sorry but i'm taking the Apfelwein.
Lindy: okay, you're in direr need. i'll take the Calvados.
Bruce looks out onto the vast firmament from the peak.
Bruce: to nothing. a nothing view. DAMN but it gets dark here early!!!
Lindy: that's everywhere on the globe. winter, you know. evening at 4PM.
Bruce: i have Seasonal Affective Disorder.
Lindy: so you can't fight at night, only ninjas can.
Bruce: i need one of those SAD lights, those Seasonal Affective Disorder light-therapy mirrors. not to preen my chest muscles, only my head muscle.
Lindy: i'm hearing a Christmas gift in your future, mister!!!
Bruce: a SAD light is such a depressing Christmas gift...
me: i NEED to play tennis with you at Rucker Park.
Jen R: oh yeah they have a cool court there, vintage concrete from 1946, that's where Arthur Ashe trained, where Arthur Ashe cut his bones.
me: you are the light of my world, Jen R.
Jen R: like these yellow tennis balls...
Fiona the sheep: that was close, i just avoided a crisis, any longer that way and i would have ended up like Eeyore...
Alexandra Silber: my Ask Al column, people think it's Ask AI as in Artificial Intelligence, they don't see me as a woman...
fried planet: good news, everyone!!! all is not lost. this is where Fry is from, that's why his family was so nonchalant when they lost him.
Fry: had my first fried egg with Leela there...
Jack in the Box: we're expanding our stoner food. there are a lot of students from India at Berkeley, so.........sexy fries, naughty naan, Bollywood berry, poo-naan...
PUP list: physically unable to perform.........not in the bedroom...
Boc: my motherly cratering crescent moon...
Fuerza: watch it, buddy.
Super Mario: you're at the auto shop office BEFORE 7AM? i don't believe you...
Georgia Kernell: yes that's me in the Gold Peak iced tea commercial...
Colombia: the United States can't control their guns. pathetic and powerless. we're strong like our coffee. our hazelnut coffee...
Beacon, New York: the Great Gatsby...
Doryce: gateway hug? when you hug their tongue...
Tai: are you goose-stepping?
Luke Russert: just stretching out my lower back.
Tai: watch it with that shit, i'm an honorary Jew like Robin Williams.
Fuerza: not to mention the Paradise of the Three's a Crowd end-title card has an overcast sky...
paypig: the thing with the video games, not the BDSM thing...
Doryce: if i became a findomme, who would be my subject?
Nicole Kidman and Katie Holmes each take one of Tom Cruise's arms and raises it...
Mardith: that thing where you're fucking but the woman never removes her blouse...
Ear Horn: my seaweed soup goes great with SuperBeets, dearie...
Wendel Meldrum: i lure you in with my tongue-twister name but i KEEP you with my hairy pussy. for the first time in your life you're DESPERATE to muffdive my vagina, DESPERATE to savor each lick as you slowly and methodically eat my cunt out, wriggling your tongue through each of my folds, into my swashy swampland, until i've vibrated and your mouth is FILLED with ALL my pubic hair. there are no porn stars here!!! i live in Seattle, i'm Wendy from The Melvins...
Curt Schilling: a man who played professional MLB baseball who later ran for senator.........as a DEMOCRAT?!!!...
Trinity and Talia by the kitty litter: peeyew, what a strong uncomfortable odor, now THAT smells like Unscented...
Eye Luggage: Somewhere in Time and go.
Richard Matheson: yes, this is a two-hour episode of The Twilight Zone...
Richard Matheson: Rod Serling was not a dick, he was the weird uncle at my 15th wedding. in fact it was Rod who got me into wearing 1900 top hats. do you hear that? or is that the vibration coming from my hearing aid? yes i had a gambling problem which inspired the book. do NOT bet on an NFL game in the last two minutes. i make a cameo in this movie as the man who is SHOCKED, SHOCKED!!! to find Christopher Reeve has cut himself shaving when he was using Chris Matthews's shaving cream...
Eye Luggage: i am so jazzed for this, both meanings.
Laertus: yeah, we all need a nice escapist romance film to distract us from these troubled times.
Mardith: i'm taking notes, these 1912 dresses are going in my next burlesque show.
Christopher Reeve: i wish i had married you.
Jane Seymour: i know, i would have put you off horses.
Christopher: you could have healed me with your Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman powers.
Jane Seymour: we were the PERFECT COUPLE, our kids would have been GORGEOUS!!!
Rachmaninoff: my Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini is like this film's Danny Elfman's Batman: The Animated Series soundtrack on a loop...
Christopher Reeve in his '70s sweater: in the '70s art colleges put on small plays that actually MATTERED. to be a theater student was to be a hippie with short hair. oh here's my girlfriend who you won't see again the rest of my life...
girlfriend: what's your play about?
Christopher: REALLY understanding what goes on in a horse's mind...
old woman: TIME TO COME BACK TO ME!!!
Christopher: i suddenly have the urge to ride on the Titanic twice...
old woman: the years don't quite align up, i'm like 200 when i die...
Christopher: you know what they say, every man must make that fateful LEFT TURN into the unknown in his Arthur car. The Grand Hotel on Mackinac Island, Michigan, what a PALATIAL PARADISE!!! this place reminds me of something...
Pee-wee Herman: that LONG PORCH in my last movie...
Christopher: no it's like a haunted place.
Arthur Biehl: of COURSE it's a haunted place, YOU were the ghost here!!!
Christopher: no i mean one of those ghost-hunter shows on Travel Channel. Bill Erwin, shouldn't you be on Fraggle Rock right now?...
Bill Erwin: i look like a Muppet but i'm the boom mic on The Muppet Show. and i did a couple of Webster episodes.
Christopher: can i put this vintage photograph of Elise McKenna in my pocket and take it home with me?
concierge clerk at the front desk: sure, this ain't the Louvre. or even the Smithsonian. i mean you're not gonna masturbate to it or anything, right? that's 1912 paint!!! very rare.
Christopher: knock knock. hello. what can you tell me about this pocketwatch?
Teresa Wright: not only are you a stalker, but you're talking crazy like you're the only human who has ever time-traveled.........but you're handsome so come in.
Christopher: you two were lesbian lovers?
Teresa: yeah she had to settle for me when YOU dumped her!!!
Christopher: i didn't dump her, i LEFT SUDDENLY.........it's a long story...
Dr. Gerard Finney: time travel, everybody's doing it wrong. you don't need a MACHINE, you only need to THINK it and you're back in 1912. or Ancient Rome or wherever. i did it once but it it gave me major brain damage. WILL it. and it will be. willpower. you can only quit smoking through willpower, not with a patch or gum.
Christopher: what's the point of this pocketwatch? i don't need to tell time anymore. where i'm going, time is suspicious and fluid. and there are no roads.
Christopher: Arthur, can you help me out? hello? knock knock.
Arthur: why are you doing this? why are you putting all this psychological stress and strain on your body and psyche?
Christopher: i REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY wanna fuck Jane Seymour.
Christopher: self-hypnosis, self-suggestion, The Power of Positive Thinking, yeah that should work. i wish i wrote THAT book. i'll just lie on this bed here and push RECORD on my Fisher-Price tape recorder with the Gene Rayburn Match Game '70s skinny microphone but the tiny version, and get to meditating mantras. i probably shouldn't be wearing all these heavy 1890 clothes, i'm gonna be SWEATING LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER after all this...
Christopher: oh this guestbook PROVES that i actually DID IT and TIME TRAVELED FOR REAL!!! it wasn't a dream or an acid-laced hallucination. or covid. oh shit, what if that signature is MY FATHER?!!!...
Christopher: shit i can't get back into the Grand Hotel, i'm TOO TALL!!!
Christopher: little boy, you look like a Gremlin, like a Garbage Pail Kid.
young Arthur, glazed look: ...
Christopher: why do you carry around a BIG-ASS RED HANDBALL with you, handball hasn't been invented yet. i'm signing you up for St. Cyril's when it gets built so you won't have to be on the waiting list.
Christopher: um can I sign that guestbook?!!!
concierge: why?
Christopher: if the dates and times don't align there will be a nuclear holocaust.
concierge: fine whatever. we lost your room key so you gotta sleep in the stables.
Jane Seymour: is it you?
Christopher: yes but later. what were you doing just then? you were lost in thought strolling the lake.
Jane: just thinking i'd call my mom, it's her birthday today. Mother's Day.
Christopher: hey you wanna see my Walter Cronkite impression?
Jane waving to the camera: hi mom!!!
Christopher Reeve: come on, can't we get along? we're both Christophers.
Christopher Plummer: i know how to handle singers but not actresses...
Reeve: let me guess, you want Elise all to yourself, you desire to be her husband.
Plummer: i'm gay, you dolt. i want Elise to be a STAR!!!
Reeve: you have to accept there will be no bigger star EVER than Barbra Streisand.
Jane Seymour: no, Chris, NOT the horse and carriage, JUST the carriage. i'm not fond of horses AT ALL. i like cars. i prefer to get bugged out in a buggy, you know?
Christopher Reeve: or we could just take a cab. a taxi.
Jane Seymour: i mean the horse-drawn thing, is that even ethical? that horse should be freed of its bit to roam free in the fields away from you...
Eye Luggage: okay a man in a top hat and tails on one end of a rowboat rowing a woman on the other end of the rowboat, the woman wearing a BIG KENTUCKY DERBY FASCINATOR HAT and holding a frilly parasol, on a lake so still it's like glass, not a sound in sight, THIS is the MOST ROMANTIC THING of all time.
Laertus: noted. come on, Seurat, come through for me, baby.
Jane: my manager warned me a man would come that would change my life.
Christopher: are you scared of me?
Jane: no, you're handsome. he was talking about Steven Tyler.
Jane Seymour on stage performing her monologue: every woman DREAMS of a man like this, her dream man, the man who will take care of her forever, love her forever even when she gets fat and you can't corset your way out of middle-thigh fat folds. your eyes lock and your SOULS lock. it just happens out of the blue, you don't have to worry anymore for the next 200 years, you won't be visited by loneliness. you have someone. ladies and gentlemen in the audience, Christopher Reeve is my Mark Consuelos.
the crowd in corsets claps politely.
Jane: this is in the script, i'll write it later...
Christopher Reeve: men wear corsets, too. i'm wearing a corset right now. and no it's not my cummerbund...
Plummer: i hired some ruffians to rough you up. they're dayplayers i'm paying hourly...
Reeve: Clockwork Orange wannabe, Super Mario with the Richard Nixon mustache...
Christopher Plummer: i'll kill him. i made a revenge-pact with myself on that gazebo.
Elise: what a shame, for i am IN LOVE with him!!! and you can't change that!!! jealousy wears so poorly on your face, William. as they say in 1912, get bent, WFR.
Plummer: Wikipedia Fund Raiser? call me Fawcett.
Elise: you already look like Colonel Sanders, don't make it worse.
Christopher Reeve: you know, waiting for knee surgery is like waiting since 1912...
Jane Seymour: it's a dark cloud that hangs over you even now, i see it on your face.
at the barn.
Christopher Reeve: hey buddy, can you help me out? loosen the ties that bind, the scratchy ropes on my wrists in the back of my back. and this Kakashi mouth mask.
horse: sorry, man, it's really for the best if i never touch you.
Laertus: ain't gonna lie, i CRIED when Elise shouts RICHARD!!! and they finally unite with that holy hug. THE CENTURY HUG.
Eye: i'm hugging you like that right now. tight and with a LOT of history behind it.
in the boudoir.
Jane Seymour: i'm ready to fuck. i'm slowly letting down my hair...
Christopher Reeve: silk sheets, nice touch.
Jane: yeah the only problem is they catch on fire easily. so you better blow out that waxy candle.
Christopher: nah, let's leave the lights on for this. i'm Superman in bed.
Jane Seymour: i can't wait to find out. oh my. i'm blushing like a 1912 woman who's about to faint. see more, big boy.
Christopher: come on, baby, make the promenade of the Grand Hotel our backyard, baby.
Christopher: what's there to eat in 1912 after sex?
Jane: biscuits. lots and lots of biscuits. biscuits for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
Christopher: can i call you my Seymour paramour?
Jane: no.
Christopher: how many kids do you want to have?
Jane: 15. CHRIS, DON'T LOOK AT THAT PENNY!!!
Christopher: phew. that was close. it was almost the JFK Twilight Zone thing all over again.
Jane: coins are no good here. you can only pay for things in 1912 with cash.
Christopher: is that true? must have skipped that day in history class...
Christopher Reeve is blue-skinned, eyes glazed, and sweating like a motherfucker.
Arthur: holy shit, man, you look like hell. you haven't eaten anything in a week?
Christopher: no all i ate for a week was gas-station sushi...
Christopher: phew, that was close, i'm wiping the sweat off my brow here. i just took a CHANCE. i figured i would die, you know? blind faith. i honestly thought i'd NEVER see you again...
Jane: i thought i'd never see YOU again.
Christopher: did you turn blue like a Smurf, too?
Jane: yes, my landlord called me Smurfette.
Christopher and Jane: it's a good thing there's an afterlife.........
Dirg: i can't watch any of this, knowing what happens to Superman in the future.
Laertus: okay we gotta join INSITE, we gotta join the International Network of Somewhere in Time Enthusiasts.
Eye: yeah, that's a nice club.
Laertus: how much does it cost for lifetime membership? a pretty penny? this is the only thing i'm willing to reenact.
Eye: we will NEVER do a Civil War reenactment. we are NOT one of those Civil War couples.
Laertus: i just want something to do on Super Bowl Weekend, you know?
Jane Seymour: Chris, you look despondent.
Christopher Reeve: i am.
Jane: let's marry, Chris. i mean in real life.
Christopher: let's. i've already signed the marriage certificate while you were talking.
Jane: let's have one of those secret weddings the Hollywood press doesn't catch wind of. nobody will know that we've been legally married for 30 years...
Jane: g'night folks.
Christopher: g'night folks. remember, time is not on your side...
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