Jen R and i are at Jack's Bistro for lunch.
Jen R: is this your wildest fantasy?
me: this is better than i dream it every night.
Jack Tripper: hello. my what a handsome couple you are!!! very hipster.
me: he's talking about my muttonchops.
Jack: feeling better, me? he was so MOROSE the last time he was here. whoops i gave you the wine menus not the menus.
Jen R: LEAVE EM. that's okay. what are the specials?
Jack: Watergate salad...Jen R: full of nuts.
Jack: ...and chicken nuggets from KFC.
Suzy Lu in the corner: SI MATE!!! those cutlets are moist like a motherfucker. my husband Kakashi places 10 nuggets on each of his gloved fingers and pierces them with his finegrails like a totem pole, then he sucks off his fingers like a vacuum.
Kakashi: of course it's hard for me to eat them cos i keep my mask on.
Jack: don't worry, this isn't kid's stuff, kid's food, no ketchup here, only dijonnaise. but it's not Dijon mustard, it's mustard mixed with mayonnaise...
Jen R: i recognize that FRANCE oil watercolor painting on the wall.
Jack: yeah, i stole it from Jacques Pepin. game recognize game, you know?
Jen R: now that i see your face up close, you are quite HANDSOME!!! you're dreamier than Evan Dando. you're like Vinnie Barbarino, John Travolta never could surpass that role.
Vicky Bradford joins our table.
Jen R: girl you sketchy. you're my hero for doing it but MAN that's sketchy. you kiss your ex ON THE LIPS?!!! that's dangerous.
Jack: yeah i didn't appreciate that. didn't like that. i didn't know if you were doing a European Darkwing Duck thing or...
Vicky Bradford: he runs a fish-tosser in Seattle, i want to osmosis some of that Real World energy. to save all those poor fish.
Jen R: that only works if you kiss while asleep.
Jen R: don't worry girl, i'll check him out for you. what's your ex's name?
Vicky: Anthony Wilson.
Jen R: Plumbing & Heating?
Jen R walks across the street. with some trouble.
Jen R: no no no, this will not do, the lobster tastes like tomatoes.
Anthony Wilson: cos it is tomatoes.
Jen R: you gotta do lobster the McDonald's way, make it into a McLobster sandwich. or you'll end up a McLoser. i tried your cod. it was like the Filet-o-Fish but the patty wasn't cooked, i was eating an orange slab of ice.
Anthony: we take it out of the ocean and forget to toss it in the fryer every single night.
Jen R: this place is called Lobster Larry's. see the problem? only Larry Dallas can run it...
i am down on one knee by our table.
me: Jen, i just want to BE with you. forever.
Jen R: we'll get married when Jack and Vicky get married...
Jack Tripper: my real name is Jackson. Jackson Tripper. my mall-karate name is Action Jackson Tripper...
Boc: foot pain is a BLESSING...
Bjork: I'M GONNA BLOW!!!...
narp: found undercover in an ice bath...
AI: i can help you overcome your electronics dependence.........i know this sounds ironic but...
Lloyd Cushenberry: my pot-smoking cousin whom i'm very jealous of...
sweet jerk: the best chicken.
Vince Vaughn: also, me.
Leslie Sbrocco: can we FINALLY do a show with me and 3 men? i just want to experience that once, you know?...
Paul: why is the water in the toilet tank above the commode DARK BROWN?!!!...
Boc: wellness? my wellness comes from watching seagulls not fly but GLIDE. what could be more free than GLIDING in the early morning? hey is this new asphalt safe to walk on? it sure smells good. smells better than black-tar heroin.
Ear Horn: black-tar heroin comes from black magic, dearie.
Boc: the birdy babies are eating all this dark asphalt up, they going crazy with the pinecones.
Target: what do those big balls outside out front of my store do?
Pokemon: bollards to prevent flying-car collisions.
dad: collisions...
Doryce: those being iron balls? they're like the drawbridge to the moat. they're for Medieval sex...
My Dinner with Andre: get that Debussy pussy...
Miles Davis: when you get up on stage and realize you CREATED jazz. you are the progenitor of jazz. you are jazz's God...
Scrooge McDuck: letter from the bank? i don't wanna look at it, i'm scared...
Congress: we passed a thing that's good for 3 days...
turf burn: can be sticky if it gets hot enough...
Bernie Sanders: i may not look it but i got a kidney of STEEL, son, i can take a sure shot to the kidneys, baby.
Beastie Boys: ...
Pati Jinich: sex with me is like wet pumpkinseeds on a hot comal...
Jack Tripper: are you my mommy?
pumpkinseeds: we jump from the spark.
decide to decode...
Hayley from Paramore: ...
Trolls: we gotta be a breakfast cereal, right?...
dad: lucky pennies? nah, i give you 2 dimes...
let's go: let go...
Violetta Laze: ...
Michael Weiss: everybody on Instagram is waiting for surgery...
Eye Luggage: Saturday Night Fever and go.
Mr. Gabe Kotter, smiling: i'll take it from here. you see Vinnie Barbarino pimp-walking down the street with the paint cans? look to the left of him, THAT's the same subway track in the Welcome Back, Kotter opening!!! in fact Vinnie strolls right past the Sweathogs school. well before Vinnie became Mr. Big-Shot actor movie-star man who don't need his highschool friends anymore.
John Travolta: wait shouldn't i be wearing a Santa suit for this? this is false advertising, man!!! i SMILE WARMLY at Donna Pescow in the Christmas commercial?!!! misleading, i treat Annette like GARBAGE in this movie.
Mr. Kotter: that's not paint in those cans, that's rubber cement for school, for our school's system of rubber hoses...
John Travolta: it was so fun getting choreography from John Lennon without the glasses...
the one Bee Gee left: this is the greatest soundtrack of all time.
Danny Elfman: .........okay fine.........you win this one...
Boc: yeah this is the thing with disco culture, it was the domain and safe haven of black gays, until as always it went mainstream ONLY when the white straights got hold of it, only when the Italians got their greasy pizza hands on it. hey, the gays didn't play, they were hardcore about it, if you couldn't dance you were BOOTED out of the club with their spiked heels!!!
Tony Manero: Bay Ridge, for those who don't go to college, for those who don't get a nice cushy office job in Manhattan, who work their hands INSTEAD of typing fingers. for those who are hopeless. the wrong side of the Verrazzano-Narrows Bridge. Bay Ridge sounds so cheery, too, you know? like Saved by the Bell or something. hey is this a paint store or a hardware store i work at?
boss: it's the same thing. i can't give you a raise, Tony, because i don't want you working here for 50 years.
Tony: Mr. Kotter says i can be anything if i get my grades up.
boss: a male nurse? give me a fucking break. you have to plan for your future, Tony, don't be that guy at Berkeley who thought he had ALL THE TIME IN THE FUCKING WORLD to get Jen P's phone number.
Tony: don't worry about nothin', i ain't going to college. the only number i need to remember is my childhood house number.
dad at the dinner table: you got a raise of 2 dimes. big whoop.
Tony: don't touch the hair, pop!!! i wanna impress Bruce Lee someday. by getting Lindy Lenz's phone number for him.
Bruce Lee: thank you, my son. my bouffant son. can you tell Al Pacino and Farrah Fawcett i'm gonna be late to Spago.........the L.A. one, i'm going to the San Francisco one...
ma: your older brother is making a NAME for this family by being a priest. he's giving up sex as a SACRIFICE for this family!!! bless him.
Tony: if that is what it takes to make it in this life then this life SUCKS.
ma: the only way to get RESPECT in life is to not have sex!!! that's pride. hey can you fetch me a couple stained goblets of holy water from your brother? finger-stained. i tried calling him but those Catholic area codes are a bitch. can you get his number for me? i'm sick of praying to him, he never responds.
little sister: yeah i called him once and it went DIRECTLY to the confessional booth, Frank Jr. picked up but he couldn't talk to me cos he said he was busy...
Tony: at least i'm not unemployed like you, old man.
pop: wait, don't i employ you at the paint store? didn't you think that his boss at the paint store was the father?...
Mardith: okay what is the DEAL with all the Annette hate?!!! i don't get it at, all this girl does is LOVE Tony, have a CRUSH on Tony, she's the sweetest neighborhood street-urchin girl you could find, and she gets treated like SHIT.
Carvelli: rough neighborhood.
Donna Pescow: they said i was too pretty at my audition, the guy told me to follow my name, get fat like a cow and be a PEST to Tony...
Eye Luggage: Hollywood is hard. this is the stuff we don't see.
Mardith: oh no, girl, don't you be be giving Tony those extra-large Magnum condoms, turn away and go back down the street, you deserve better.
Rubikon: I CALL BULLSHIT!!! this movie has a white dude using the N word!!! are you fucking kidding me?!!! THIS was preserved over at the National Film Registry by Congress's library deemed culturally, historically, or aesthetically significant?!!!
Laertus: i just don't get HOW this movie could be Rated PG? after THAT?!!! and THAT scene!!! and definitely THAT scene.........oh NOW i get it, there was a PG version and the REAL X-Rated version...
Tony: i love the Kubrick Klub, it's my favorite discotheque. meet the fellas: Epstein, Washington, and Horshack.
Tony: i mean you're KINDA good-looking but you're not my type.
Connie: honey do you know what i just did? i stopped the Writers' and Actors' Strike. i am SAG-AFTRA's Queen For Life!!! i am WAY above you in accomplishment.
Tony: you're quitting the priesthood? will the Pope allow that?
Frank, Jr.: she's cool.
Tony: what does a sheep sound like? i'd like to make that noise now.
Frank Jr.: a black sheep makes the sound of Sinead O'Connor. disco ain't my scene, Tony, you understand. but you must PURSUE your dancing until you become Fred Astaire. i prefer to be a Charles Dickens character living in a chattel house. it was never my dream, it was ma and pop's dream, you know? i was a little kid, how could i complain? how could i argue for myself?
Tony: hey can i keep your white priest collar? i wanna use it for some BDSM stuff.
Horshack: hey Father Frank, can i talk to you in private in this noisy club?
Father Frank: you're the faces.
Horshack: i got a girl pregnant.........wait a minute, why am i sad about this? i LOVE Mary, she's my soul mate!!! Mary Horshack is a WONDERFUL PERSON. of COURSE i'll be her baby daddy!!! i WELCOME this!!! *Horshack laugh*
Denny Dillon: i thought this was the Saturday Night LIVE audition...
Karen Lynn Gorney: i like mangos. why didn't i become a bigger star? why wasn't i the Puerto Rican Julia Roberts?...
the fellas: hey Tony, nice castanets on that girl you got there.
Stephanie: you mean maracas? hot-mama maracas? but that doesn't make sense either, my tits aren't bowling-pin-shaped!!! they're nice tits. yes i AM a nice girl.
Tony: hey you been to the Kind Grind? that's a nice disco.
Stephanie: nice white suit, chief.
Tony: yeah i'm scared to wear this all the time, cos you know all that tomato sauce is gonna be spilled all over it, you know? discotheques are NOTORIOUS for having lots of cans of tomato sauce everywhere.
Stephanie: let me guess, you're a mook cliche: you still live with your parents, you blow-dry your hair in front of your bedroom mirror every night, and you blow your raise money on cheap beer, space clubs, and open gang fights in the middle of the city.
Tony: yeah, doesn't everybody do that? you stugatz. stugatz sister. i had a best friend named Stu Gatz.
Stephanie: i aspire higher. i want to have a FUR COAT in time for the '80s!!! have you seen the new Zeffirelli Romeo and Juliet?
Tony: no of course not, that movie sexualized Juliet WAY too early.
Stephanie: very good, Tony, wow, didn't think you had that level of sophistication in you.
Bee Gees singing: more than a woman.........i just mean she's more like a soul to me, not a body.........i wish my younger brothers had lived to see our success...
at White Castle.
Dr. Gregory House: have you seen an Indian man come in here? i KNOW he didn't kill himself. i KNOW he was just taking a break...
the fellas: Bowie is a fag. David Bowie is a fag.
Stephanie: no he's not, he's exotic, he wears an Astrakhan coat. i'm an expert in coats. he's mysterious and exciting and alluring. he's bisexual which means he gets double the pussy, do the math, numbnuts.
Tony: is there a celebrity who HASN'T COME into your office?
Stephanie: John Travolta.
Tony: yeah sorry for not visiting you in the hospital, Gus, you know how it is.
Gus: the gang that attacked me was the SpongeBobs, i'm certain of it.
Bobby: my desperation is increasing by the hour, fellas.
Tony: that's okay, Bobby, let it out, it's Male Mental Health Month.
Bobby: can i borrow $5 to give to the Pope as a bribe?
Tony: sure, Bobby, i'm good for it. and remember to take that Advil, it's good for anxiety.
Tony: i love helping you move to Manhattan. these placemats with the Van Gogh and the Mona Lisa, very clever. yeah that's very artist of you.
Stephanie: don't be mad, Tony, but i sleep with the landlord cos I NEED SOMEONE.
Tony: i get it, i need someone too and that someone is you. see? you wouldn't have to sleep with your landlord if you lived at home.
Tony: the Kubrick Klub is stupid. it's not a merit-based system, you know? dance has gotta be nonracial. Heathcliff the Cat CLEARLY won this dance contest.
Mardith: oh great and now Tony rapes Stephanie in the car. well he's not the likable protagonist anymore, huh, he's become the antihero.
John Travolta: Tony Manero is not a good guy, not a bad guy, he's just a guy.
Mardith: i'll never understand this obsession '70s and '80s movies have with the only way a man can show love to a woman is by raping her.
Mardith: oh great, and now Annette does NOT deserve to get passed around and gang-raped in the car, this is NOT love.
at the bridge. many cables.
Tony: don't jump, Bobby. did you take that Advil like i told you?
Bobby: why didn't you call, Tony? why didn't you call me?
Tony: MCI requires 2 dimes.
Bobby falls.
Tony: some people commit suicide without committing suicide.........Bobby was already dead the moment he had sex...
Annette: um, police, i know the accidental suicide is a bummer, but i'd like to press charges on all the fellas here for raping me in this car.
Tony: this really has turned into The Warriors now. i'm riding the NYC subway alone at night all sad and depressed. all the subway doors are covered in gang graffiti.
Tony: no i don't want to go to Miami on a rocket ship!!!
Stephanie's apartment.
Tony: can i talk with you?
Stephanie: no, you're my rapist.
Tony: can we JUST BE FRIENDS?
Stephanie: this is a weird conversation.
at the Central Park park bench overlooking the bridge covered in fog.
Stephanie: and this is an even WEIRDER date.
Tony: you see that bridge over there? i can't see it cos it's covered in fog. there's a body INSIDE that bridge.
Stephanie: oh yeah?
Tony: yeah, my friend Bobby, he accidentally jumped.
Stephanie: this is so that film Manhattan. say something Woody Allen would say.
Tony: okay but why are you tape-recording this?...
Bee Gees: hey Jimmy Fallon!!! be nice. be nicer with your employees. fuck your toxic work environment. if you don't cool it we won't send you any more of our dance suits through UPS.
Jimmy Fallon: NO!!! i can't live without your dance suits!!! they're the only way i can unwind at home after spending a shitty day at work, that's a toxic workplace over there.
Bee Gees singing: the New York Times's effect on man. it used to be good. people were more informed and educated and enlightened in the '70s. now nobody reads newspapers anymore.
Terry from Batman Beyond: tell me about it...
Bee Gees: everybody is so quick to believe the craziest conspiracy theory. the crazier the better, the crazier the more truthful somehow. everybody is inclined to not believe ANYTHING anymore. especially not love. look, this advice is old as fuck, it's older than the formation of Sweden's butthole. but it's more pertinent now than ever in these times: kids, don't do drugs...
Julie Kotter: when does John Travolta cum inside me? the twins are lonely for a sister...
John Travolta: g'night folks. i dedicate this movie Saturday Night Fever to Diana Hyland. i'll never forget you, i'll love you forever, Di...
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