Monday, November 20, 2023



Gemini: flyball. who knew?
Siren: right? 
Gemini: as you can tell by looking at me, i'm more of a cat person. but man did those dogs work for their supper, they're professional athletes!!! thanks for your date.
Siren: running 100-yard dashes, stopping on a dime and turning around like Michael Phelps poaching a dolphin in the water, jumping over hurdles like Jackie Joyner-Kersee, all while gripping a slobbery wet damp moist tennis ball in their mouth, these dogs are better than Rory McIlroy and Secretariat!!! it's not about training, it's about having a microscopic spiritual simpatico with their trainers, a wavelength like a wet bone.
Gemini: they inspire me.
Siren: they inspire me so much i came up with my own American Gladiators game idea.
Gemini: oh it's time for your idea, huh?
Siren: so it's just like a standard flyball course except we use the PETS of the American Gladiators!!! do you have a pet, Gemini?
Gemini: i do now. you. just kidding, i have a lizard.

Ear Horn: my favorite flyball thing is the box turn. box turn, like my vagina...
Eye Luggage stares imploringly at her mother.
Ear Horn: fine, nevermind...

Bruce Lee is showing Lindy Lenz around San Francisco.
Bruce Lee: welcome to my hometown.
Lindy Lenz: your city is beautiful. like you. 
Bruce: i almost didn't make it but sometimes you just gotta say Fuck L.A., you know? what do you want to do first?
Lindy: Golden Gate Bridge like a proper hiker.
Bruce: can't. the GGB is closed FOREVER just to be EXTRA cautious, you know?
Lindy: i'm hungry. and i'm sick of trail mix.
they take the trolley to Spago SF.

Jack Tripper: good afternoon, lady and gentleman, i shall be your chef du jour. my name is Jack Tripper and i own the place...
Bruce: you got a Chef Boyardee hat on, patrice.
Jack: i don't know what you are saying, i only took one year of mall karate. specials?
Bruce: got any bucatini for Thanksgiving?
Jack: fresh out. 
Lindy: i only go to these froufrou fancy restaurants for the dessert anyway.
Jack: we have ONE strawberry-chocolate cake left but it's at the VERY HIGH TOP of the Golden Gate Bridge.
Lindy: congrats on nailing that head-chef position, handsome.
Jack: thank you mademoiselle, from now on i am known in alleyways and the Louvre as Action Jackson Wolfgang.

Gordon Ramsay: you don't gotta toss the salad, you gotta toss the spaghetti!!!
Jack Tripper: i toss Cincinnati spaghetti, very know with all the chili and cheese and onions and everything...
Gordon Ramsay: it looks like a dog's dinner. but in a good way.

Jacques Pepin: wanna know the secret to my juicy Chicken a la Susie?
Suzy Lu: it's me. he got it from me, we're youtube partners...
Jacques Pepin: Wolfgang Puck wouldn't last a DAY at a Howard Johnson's...

Jessica Tuck: my butt is Marilyn Monroe's famous white dress...

Carmel Unified School District: it's bad everywhere. even Palma. the Central Coast sucks.

tennis: it's over like Doctor Who is over...

Boc: what is more spiritual than a seagull dancing in the rain in an empty parking lot on an early overcast Saturday morn?
Lucio Rossi: yes, and this same scene was even MORE sumptuous during the '80s in the St. Cyril's parking lot...
Ms. Krause: ...
'80s seagull: yes, that was our church. and then we'd waddle across the street to the McDonald's for some breakfast fries...

snails: this is the season where we start doing backflips in the swimming-pool puddles...

Ear Horn: i got a new car.........a GrimmSpeed...
Eye Luggage: don't say it, ma...
Ear Horn: it's a valve like my vagina.
Lily Munster: my vagina has 100 cobwebs in it.........but that's considered hot in our culture...

Vance Colvig: i'm the only actor to do Disney AND Yogi Bear AND be a wino.

Djokovic: how am i suddenly winning easily again? i actually had a beer to loosen is rich in gluten...

dad: got any spange?
me: say what now?
dad: spare change.
me: sorry.
dad: don't worry about it, Creature, i'll leave a lucky penny on your morning-walk path tomorrow as always.
me: i love you, dad. what's the best way to land a wife?
dad: don't call up the girl and tell her she's got cakeage.
me: cake corkage?
dad: no, a nice butt. but DO take her to a nice restaurant.

Fareed Zakaria: why can't the world just follow my ideas? right? i mean if the world simply followed the rules-based international order, life on this planet would be so easy, so free, so stressless.

finger roll: men can't perform this technique successfully on a woman.
Doryce: tell me about it...

Luke Russert: i found a yellow bauble on the ground on my walk this morning...
dad: ...
Tai: looks like a lemonhead?
Jen R: ...
Tai: that's one of mine. looks like a lemon cough drop, right? one of my yoga crystals...

Mr. Bean: there is nothing as nostalgically warm as a British barbershop in the '80s...

The Goes Wrong Show: there's gotta be a season 3 now!!! come on!!! we're just getting to the good part!!! i want Dennis and Vanessa to be an unrealistic couple...

Sasha Grey's suitcase pimp: greatest job in the world.

Miyazaki: a Democrat who likes anime? i thought i was the only one...

Santa Claus: every time i see Chloe Fineman now i gotta chug a jug of eggnog...

Garfield: i have a flea collar on but i'm still constantly scratching.
Heathcliff: it's mites, not fleas.
Garfield: great. is there a mite collar? 

Mr. T: it's funny how when i'm eating a banana, but i never remember FINISHING my banana...

Tai: time for our tailbone exercises...
Luke Russert: ...
Luke Russert drooling: i like it when you do those cat-cow stretches, especially the cat part, that's when i REALLY get to see your butt, your butt is FLIPPED HIGH in the air, that is sexy.
Tai: your mouth is literally a WATERFALL of spit.

My Little Prairie: you know the Little House on the Prairie / My Little Pony crossover everyone wants is bound to happen soon.
Michael Landon: over my dead body.

Leonardo (the painter): no more new artists on Instagram, i can't fucking take it no more.

Henzy the cat crawls out from under the studio maze lattice to inspect the new game.
Trinity: Henzy!!! i hate it when you yowl like that, it breaks my heart.
Talia: you can stay with us anytime, Unca Henzy. you're my favorite weird uncle.
Henzy: i have, i've stayed in your backyard without you two knowing. yeah it's hard out there for a wild bobcat living on the streets.
Madame Defarge: PLEASE say i own Henzy over at the patisserie.
Henzy: yeah all alone, not knowing where my next meal is coming from, i mean i do get my fair share of the cupcake throwouts but. plus it's cold season, as in the weather is COLD. brrr. no coats for this cat. except my natural coat.
Talia: yeah and stop scampering under those parked cars in the parking lot for shelter, that's quite dangerous, Uncle, you crazy bastard.

Henzy completes the flyball course in under-record Olympic speed, in one second, which is faster than the previous record-holder Dobermann Pinscher the size of a butterfly.
Gemini: wow. that was lightning-quick, pussy.
Henzy: don't call me pussy, i have the teeth of my ancestor Sabre Toothed Bobcat in my mouth, i can pop all your muscles like balloons with one bite.
Siren: he just means there's gotta be a Gladiator named Lightning, right?
Gemini: i've never seen a cat play catch with a damp tennis ball before.
Jen R: story of my life.
Henzy: we CAN, we just choose not to. all this flyball frat-boy stuff is so beneath us, it's so uncivilized.


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