notes:
* Dirg: why is everyone's wedding photo on the internet?...
* Today Show: all morning shows are filled with on-location reporters and correspondents who would not be there if they won that lottery ticket...
* Lorne Michaels: the part of Laraine Newman will be played by Maiara Walsh.
Maiara Walsh: FINALLY MY BIG BREAK!!!
Laraine Newman: i can't play young '70s me anymore...
* mouthwash: not really necessary in the grand scheme of things...
* Christian Science: yeah it's not like the healing power Princess Zelda has...
* Hollywood: if you're not related to someone, you better go to an Ivy League college, we have no idea who you are...
* Norwegian Bliss: the luxury cruise ship all the Norwegian Forest cats are aboard. because they're scared of water.
Greykid: i've seen it, it's spacious.
Norwegian Forest cats: unlike the forest, this liner has liners. kitty-litter liners...
* dipsomania: not a Disney thing...
* Ed Kenney: this is what we're gonna do to get Hawaii back on its feet. i'm the chef son, not my dad ukulele player who also has the same name of Ed Kenney. Tokioka? is that an anime character? yeah like from Inuyasha or something, right? there's nothing like PBS money, it's the purest money on Earth. ohana is helped from within, aloha Aina aloha. so let's have Season 4 of my show on Waikiki Beach...
* Buitoni: our pesto comes in a little cute applesauce saucer...
* Billy Walters: but all my insider-trader money went to my charity!!! why do i look like Grizzly Adams's grandpap after shaving?...
Ernest Hemingway: all old men eventually look like me. it's a phenomenon known as the Grandpap Tap...
Joshua Weissman: i'm Papa now...
* Melissa Maker: all my micro towels have disappeared. i can now concentrate on my voice-acting for anime. Funimation's parking lot is like a parade...
* Pete Rose on a red phone: Phil Mickelson?
Phil Mickelson on a black phone: i told you not to call me on this line.
Pete: no Phil, buddy, it's okay. i sell flowers over the phone now...
Phil: gimme an aster, a snapdragon, a crocus, and a rhododendron for the superfecta...
* relish pesto: like a bag of old Taco Bell food from 1985, never goes out of style, a vintage LP record.
creamy pesto: THICKER than J Lo's butt. pillowy like J Lo's butt in 2023.
Jen R: like my butt. every woman wants J Lo's butt but few women are willing to work for it. i'm NOT willing to work for it, i like my librarian's butt. i'm a Reality Bites '90s slacker through and through. Five Guys has better whole peanuts in the salt shell than The Bronx Zoo...
* salad cream: if you have me, you don't need pesto...
Lily Munster: yes. a greengasm.
* Luke Russert: i don't remember going to the grocery store today. but i know i did...
* Roku: our TVs are easy to program. free Cartoon Network on us, the onus is on you...
* John Tesh: i'm not tetchy. as long as my wife Mary Hart is by my side...
Connie Sellecca: i'm your wife.
John Tesh: but why are you named after a car?
Connie: that's where i was conceived. have you contemplated conception, John? the concept of conception? does life begin at conception? or is life just random?
John Tesh: i've never played a round of basketball in my life...
* Bridget Lancaster: there's nothing more cozy than one-pot cooking in Autumn. when you're done with the braise put a lid on it but NEVER put a ring on me. chicken livers make the best bacon...
* Morgan Bolling: i don't have a dishwasher. i put all the gourmet meals i create on paper plates...
Leslie Sbrocco: yes there really are this many hams in San Francisco...
Maiara Walsh: know how you know Brazilian steak is cooked? it EXPLODES on the spit.
Maiah Manser: we're basically the same person, Maiara Walsh, we look the same and have the same eyes and name. but i can sing better than you. i can hold a note longer...
* David Carradine: it has to be raining when you're doing your shirtless pull-ups upside-down...
* Mel Harris: actresses get with photographers. actresses end up marrying photographers, it's just the way it is. sixth time's the charm...
Julia Ioffe: i hope to be a middle-aged mother who grows old and then she becomes young again when the Light comes and hits her in the face. it's the Princeton way...
Elizabeth Taylor: it takes 6 marriages before marriage STICKS, you know?
Madame Pons: i finally got around to developing your night-school photos, Takahashi...
* Jen R: make sure your riptides don't make you an R.I.P. tide...
* Golden Corral.
kid: you're bullshitting me, grandpa. you didn't walk a mile and back up a hill in the snow to get to school.
grandpa: i didn't go to school. i've been working in my dad's watch factory since i was age 3. baby back ribs give me traumatic 'Nam flashbacks.
kid: you're from Miami, there's no snow.
grandpa: Miami was underwater when i was your age. and it's gonna be underwater when YOU reach MY age...
* Wendy's: with BOGO you get two Frostys for two bucks. and with the DoorDash delivery fee that's less than a good restaurant meal in Fresno or San Jose.
Leslie Sbrocco: it's gonna be about $50...
* Morgan Bolling: i'm the mom in that Chevrolet Silverado commercial with the family of four, the two boys who go mud-mountain-biking at age 3...
* Olive Garden: don't try any of our honey pastas, just eat 5 plates of bread. we ran out of pepper but we do have a big-ass wood salt grinder for your salad...
salad cream: ...
Pea Soup Andersen's: ...
* Verizon.
dad: okay girls, you two are the Seinfeld Sisters.
Seinfeld Sisters: we cute as fuck.
dad: the CEO's son has to stay with us permanently. he's a creeper as all CEO sons are. can he stay in your room?
Seinfeld Sisters: oh no, give him our futon from the '90s.
CEO son: this futon is leaking. this futon is a waterbed. a waterfuton?
happy weekend, my babies.
TOMORROW: no more money for fast food. how can BOTH checks be the duplicate?...
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