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notes:
* in the '70s, Long Beach was longer...
* Hurricane Hilary: if you had elected me President instead, it WOULD have rained in Southern California...
Arnold Schwarzenegger: much-needed rain...
* Emilie Ikeda: i'm here at the beach to do a segment on shark attacks for the Today Show. it's the Summer of Sharks.........just because i'm at a beach doesn't mean i need to be wearing a bikini...
* wammers: Doryce's tits on Thursdays...
Doryce: Thursday tits...
* Michael Weiss: you gotta love on Instagram the dude who gets the same one commenter on every one of his pics but takes the time to write a PARAGRAPH back to him in response.
* Marvel83' "So This Is For You": the song played at my funeral.........or, you know, any lucid dream...
* Eloise Head: head, get it? really tho. and my ganache as well...
Gordon Ramsay: you have a stunning cheeseburger.........i mean that as a compliment, not a complement...
* Nancy Paranzuela: veggie cake? no no no, that would NOT be a thing in the '80s...
* Sandra Bullock: do you know how i won the Oscar for The Blind Side? i made you SCARED of my character...
* me: i've become my worst nightmare, a muttering old man.
Jen R: i wish i could be old AND healthy. an old woman with two good legs. a limp rather than a walker...
* Michael Weiss: you're only new for one post. on Instagram, once people figure you out, you're finished, you're toast, it doesn't matter how many times you post again...
Elon Musk: bacon is ridged meat but is ridged toast waffles? this X is UGLY!!! that little blue bird was so CUTE!!!...
* Mardith: so all we can do is real estate or fitness?...
* Viasat: look out at the sky and dream of being a longshoreman...
* Viasat: the sky is raining fish...
* Iga Swiatek: my dream is to snag a husband whose first name is Carlitos...
* Lucio: great, my spam-call memory now says it is full. that means THIS AI CAN'T remember and all the uncaught spam calls will come flooding back in again like excited salmon. think about it, my beautiful green phone could only hold 3000 spam calls...
* Dirg: did you think in your life you'd ever type the words guinea pig mom.........?
* the South Pole of the Moon contains: water, not gold...
* YouTube: when you think of the NFL, what's the first thing you think of? Jim Brown? Joe Namath? Tony Romo? no, you think of YouTube. the NFL is the place where you can put a Detroit Lions beanie on your baby's head, this is the ONLY time in his life he's gonna allow that so make the most of your time with him when he's 1 year old. what's the first thing you think of when you think of the Pittsburgh Steelers? yes, a sombrero. imagine yourself in Heaven: the frozen aisle at the grocery store.........the only aisle that has those giant coolers and 50-pound bags of ice and small full-size beach umbrellas, and all the cat stuff is always on the other side of this aisle for some reason...
* Jets: Hard Knocks
Robert Saleh: i HATED doing Hard Knocks. i did NOT sign up for this pseudo-documentary full of coarse language and sex. but when they started filming my lecture-hall speeches, i promise you i was NOT playing it for the cameras. i've learned so much in one month!!! i feel like a professor!!! a magic man with playing cards changed my LIFE in this training facility!!!
Aaron Rodgers: guys, i'm leaving the Jets. i'm moving back to Hollywood. Shailene Woodley has agreed to take me back!!!
* Aaron Rodgers: wait, i'm 6'2"? so what was the big deal?...
Tony Romo: you wear insoles in your Skechers to make you taller...
* Subaru Forester
dad: son, remember, Yosemite will always be better than Yellowstone. SILENCE IS GOLDEN whether you're deaf or not...
* The English Patient: the LAST 3-hour movie you saw IN A THEATER...
happy weekend, my babies
TOMORROW: the 7-Eleven pizza. with SAUSAGE. cos you've always wanted to know how 7-Eleven sausage tastes. that's how all the gangs around Los Angeles in the '80s were formed. I CAN'T ESCAPE THE NOISE POLLUTION!!! the food will provide a brief respite from the UNREMITTING NOISE of a parade line of sportscars LITERALLY CENTIMETERS AWAY from my bedroom window on the road all sputtering like a death rattle. drifting at midnight cos that's when the roads are clear. for the Fucking Car Show, it's Fucking Car Week...
Melbourne: sorry mate...
Aldon Jacob: told ya...
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