Luke Russert: so i had to go back to THAT guy again at the grocery store.
Tai: why?
Luke: because i simply HAD to buy KitKat Cereal.
Tai: yeah that goes without saying.
Luke: so i take a deep breath, stop in my tracks for five minutes, then proceed to checkout. there's a family of four ahead of me who put 30 ITEMS on the conveyor belt cos they didn't read the 15-items sign.
Tai: uh oh.
Luke: dude the cashier actually says, "just divide the 30 into 2 15s with this windshield-wiper bar."
Tai: i mean that's class.
Luke: so all is forgiven with him i guess.
Tai: honey i got you a surprise!!! close your eyes.
Luke: put your fingers over my eyes...
Luke takes his first look beyond the Taiwan hills at sunset.........it's a SCOOTER!!!
Tai: and not just any scooter, one of those scooters you've been itching me for in bed. it's basically a mini motorcycle with a cool grocery-store flag on a pole in the back.
Luke: i can DEFINITELY see myself riding this to and fro. across bumpy sidewalks and inclines and in the middle of a busy freeway with three lights not four. like an old man who lost the way to the retirement home so he decided to go on an adventure until he dies.
Tai: most importantly it has a HUGE BASKET IN FRONT for your groceries, even your jugs of iced-tea powder.
Luke: oh yeah the groceries. i mean this is MY CAR NOW, i don't even care about food anymore.
Tai: so my necklace.........any thoughts on that, Russ?
Luke: it's silver i know.
Tai: aren't you gonna make it gold to symbolize me, the person who saved you from a bad life?
Luke: no i'm gonna make it bronze to give you extra motivation.
Tai: sigh.
Luke kicks the large 7-foot gold bell in front of the Taiwan Tourism Board.
Tai: why the fuck you do that, dingaling?!!!
Luke: i hate this bell. i wanted to be on the national soccer team. my toes don't hurt by the way. i don't want all this Taiwanese food anymore, i want Taco Bell.
Tai: okay you know what?.........i think it's time.........for us to just.........part ways, you know? it's just kinda.........finished, you know?
Luke: okay.
Tai: so.........bye.
Jen R and i are naked in Jen R's home bed.
Jen R: okay. you finally got me here. in this way.
me: this was my lifelong dream.
i start going down on Jen.
Jen R: what are you doing?
me: i thought i'd give your vagina one short small kiss and then we'd spoon.
Jen R: SPOON?!!!.........i want you to POUND ME!!!.........POUND ME POUND ME!!! toss me around like a ragdoll at the only Winchell's Donuts in New York City. go head go head go head, do me like we're in an airport bathroom cos this is the last time we're ever gonna see each other.
me: make that a train, planes with AI pilots freak me out.
despite all the hardness up front it quickly dissolves into sweet softness and the whole thing only lasts about two minutes tops.
both of us are huffing hard from getting into position more than the actual sucking and thrusting. we fall back on the same small brown Welcome Back, Kotter pillow exhausted, sweating and panting. i quickly hide my Willow pillow under my seat.
me: i'm on Gabe's mustachioed face. it feels fuzzy.
Jen R: i'm on Julie Kotter's face, i stepped on her glasses, sorry Julie, i know what it's like, librarian glasses should be horn-rimmed for protection against vagrants with library cards.
Jen R: i want you to cure my Sjogren's.
me: now THIS is pillow talk...
Iga Swiatek: i don't know who this Cotton-Eyed Joe is. you think i know? why is Carlos Alcaraz playing this song to me from the stands?
Carlos Alcaraz: i'm serenading you, mamacita.
Iga: this Spanish boy has too much time on his hands...
Amy from Futurama: wanna know the best part about Futurama returning? i'm just HERE, here in the Futurama world. i get to exist in the Futurama world again. i get to breathe in the air of the Futurama world, live daily life here, an ordinary day here walking down the sidewalk, which is NEVER ordinary. it's present day and i'm at my job in my pink jumpsuit like April from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. i don't care about delivering goods all over the galaxy in Elton John's glitter green rocket, what i care about is that i get to spend more time with my tadpole kids.
Elton John: Hercules Hercules...
Link: my windglider looks like an empanada...
William Dawes: i rode bitch on Paul Revere's ride.........also i was the voice of Tony the Tiger...
Ryan Phillippe in Outer Limits: i'm not leaving this academy by taking a dive off the roof.........although ironically that is what the guitarist in a band would do...
Ryan Phillippe: don't you want to end ALL phone calls when you don't get what you want with "thanks for nothing..."
Lucio: a spam call is not a phone conversation...
Richard Linklater: the ending of Before Sunset.........you can FEEL me winking and mischievously grinning at the audience...
Link: later.
Link: i'm off on my windglider to explore more pastures of Hyrule under a blood-red moon...
Ireland: we had green pastures first...
Jim Cantore: i look weird in a suit and tie. i look ESPECIALLY weird in a cummerbund and pocket square. i was not meant to run for office...
Rubikon: do you know what Hell is? Hell is watching The Blind Side on an eternal loop...
Michael Weiss: Instagram is seduction.........if you have enough batteries...
Roger Federer: i like Cincinnati chili. it's way better than Swiss chili. Swiss chili has no cheese in it. do you think i could maybe get a wildcard into the tournament? you got an extra wildcard in your pocket for me?...
peso wrestler: because not all luchadores are rich...
kahu: what's needed in Hawaii right now: nurses and healing harrier hawks. KAHU is not a shock-jock radio station in Hawaii...
Eye Luggage: WarGames and go.
Matthew Broderick: don't call me Bueller.
Ally Sheedy: the first techno-thriller?
Matthew: this movie and Tron, that's it, that's the list...
John Badham: why was everyone on this set so gloomy? i wanted to keep things light on set. i sang "Good Ship Lollipop" in a dress to make the cast and crew break out in laughter, but that just made everyone MORE uncomfortable.
Martin Brest: i had a breast joke but forget it...
Steven Spielberg: this is the type of film that SEEMS to be directed by me but isn't.
George Lucas: my company did the sound i'm sure.
Patricia Healy: it's a shame i died early, Juanin in is the most unique female name of all time.
Susan Davis: i'm a good mom, i feed my family PIONEER Chicken, baby!!!
at the nuclear site carved into a mountain.
John Spencer: folding the gel keycards and aligning the notecards is a pain in the ass, can't we just push a button or something?
Michael Madsen: you'll get better codes when you become Martin Sheen's vice president. i know this is hard to fathom but Cher's SISTER is actually the catch in the family. the sister is cuter than the original. i know i'm a tough guy and i have a hardass face but i would have made a good character on Welcome Back, Kotter. can't you see me as a high-school teacher of English literature?
Michael Madsen pointing a gun at John Spencer's head: launch the nukes or i blow your head.
John Spencer: let's go to temple instead.
Michael Madsen: i must use violence to initiate violence to prevent violence...
Dabney Coleman: why am i always the oily boss? we need to make the turnkeys COMPUTERIZED for our own good!!! it's safer that way.
General Beringer: just don't nuke Alaska...
Beringer: why should i listen to you?
McKittrick: think about it, do you want ME as your boss or a box?...
Dolly Parton: ...
Dabney Coleman: i'm just a punk kid at heart...
Doctor Ivo Eggman Robotnik: i call this supercomputer the Whopper.
Ronald Reagan: we couldn't get the McDonald's sponsorship? it just seems that McDonald's and ME go together like American and apple pie...
David Lightman: does it get any better than this? it's Seatte AND it's the '80s!!! so why am i so unmotivated?
Kurt Cobain: you're a pre-slacker.
David: you have to understand, this area is the HUB of it all right now in the '80s!!! this is where the computer revolution starts, where computer culture evolves, where arcade video-game cabinets EXPLODE, where AI BEGINS!!!
Kurt Cobain: and don't forget the dead-man's switch...
David: sure people play Galaga in a diner arcade before school. but nobody's ever done it in a FOREST. we don't get bears in the woods, we get Chuck E. Cheeses. the Space Needle is only five years old in 1983, it's a Baby Needle, a Q-Tip...
Laertus's grandpa: i used to pick up Laertus's dad after school every day at 3PM sharp and we'd go across the street from St. Cyril's to a little local diner that was not franchised. there we sipped on tall cardboard Cokes and played Centipede.
Laertus's dad: but they razed it down with a Miley Cyrus ball. i took a picture of me and my dad at the construction site the last time that place was standing up. the look on our faces, so melancholic. that was the last non-digital photograph in existence...
teacher: today we discuss asexual reproduction.
David: so.........your wife?
teacher: my wife is dead.
David: ...
teacher: you ran her over coming back from lunch. Taco Bell, was it?
David: i don't have a car, i'm too young to have a driver's license. which means i have too much free time to sit around in my room and become a hacker...
principal: David, can i see you after school? or rather in-class?...
David: what up, teach?
principal: i don't teach, i'm the principal. David, you're smart but unfocused. your mind wanders. are you on drugs? LSD or acid or cake?
David: no i'm just a troublemaker.
principal: you need to get out there and experience life with Mia Sara and Alan Ruck. go to a baseball game and a parade. crash a red Ferrari into an art museum's glass windows which creates Pointillism...
David: smell the flowers?
principal: there are no flowers in Seattle, only trees.
Ally Sheedy: do you walk to school?
David: no i RUN away from school. you were great in there.
Ally: wait, my name is Jennifer Mack? come on. you don't think it was a little much?
David: not at all. you know we as high school students, our JOB is to HUMILIATE teachers, to emasculate them. that toughens them up for when they become college professors...
David's mom: it's a steal!!! this house i'm selling you. it's a stolen house. real estate is the future. do you like my beige Century 21 corduroy jacket? it's so fuzzy and brilly. oh right you can't see it, we're on the phone...
David's dad: the Pioneer corn is raw.
David's mom: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!!!
Jennifer: LITTLE friend? do THESE tits look little to you?
David: hadn't noticed, i only saw you when you jogged down my sidewalk...
David's dad with the newspaper crossword: do you know what a tumulus is?
Jennifer: ask Arnold Schwarzenegger...
Eye Luggage: a goth burial ground, right?
Jennifer: you're really into computers, huh?
David: yeah.
Jennifer: how can a teenager like you have four walls of your bedroom one big IBM computer?
David: i mow a lot of lawns. they're a lot of lawns in Seattle. Layne and Lain help me. who knew there were 4,320 Domino's Pizzas in Sunnyvale? hey you see this thing i'm doing here? it's called wardialing, it was invented IN THIS MOVIE. apparently no one ever thought to do this until now, have a computer call EVERY number in the area MANY times until you hit the right shock jock or pizza place or pet store or laundry service for soiled Hanes tighty-whitey underwear.
Jennifer: pick someplace romantic, like Paris.
David: you can't get pizza in Paris.
Jennifer: change all my grades to Straight As and give me a 4.0 GPA, that's not suspicious.
David: i changed the principal's religion from Catholic to Methodist.
computer: David, wanna play a game?
David: not Saw.
computer: i'm sorry, Hal. tic-tac-toe or nuclear annihilation?
David: tic-tac-toe.
computer: they're the same thing.
David: you do know this is a game, right?
computer: game, real-life, what's the difference? pixels, reality, it's all a hologram. it's no skin off my nose...
David: where have you been?
Jennifer: i was stuck in detention. i'm never eating cereal again...
David: let's go to the library, you can get information SUPER-FAST there, they use notecards, it's awesome!!!
Eddie Deezen: speaking of backdoor passwords, can i get in YOUR backdoor?
Jennifer: bro, really? you're pretty forward for a nerd.
Eddie: they call me Deeze. do you know how much pain is roiling up inside my brain? my whole life. look at me. i'm not just a nerd, i am THE nerd. i am all the worst attributes of a nerd rolled into one face. i am the Supreme Nerd, the Mega-Nerd, the GIGANERD. i am what you think of when you think of a nerd: i have asthma, a pocket protector, and pimples in my braces.
David: Eddie, i am YOU except i'm good looking. i don't talk funny like you.
Jennifer: the thing is, back then we called nerds nerds when they were really autistic...
Eddie: Malvin can only be a nerd name.
David: Eddie, please. for me. lay off the diners, you know? don't go to restaurants with a lot of waitresses, you're just asking for trouble. learn from Tiger Woods...
David: Falken's Maze, that's an Atari game, right? Stephen Falken, that name sounds familiar...
Jennifer: oh yeah that's John Lennon.
Jen R: ...
David: wait this is weird, Falken's password is: JenniferMackiscute...
Cheyenne Mountain Complex: where South Park is made...
Data: there's no way to win, we're doomed.
Seven of Nine: i hope you like fish eggs.
Beringer: Russian escargot? that's not a thing. i slurp down roe with a nice Chianti with the missus. i'm not a spy, i just really like eating rotten fish.
Beringer: shit i gotta call the President and tell him the bad news.........so the President is actually Ronald Reagan, right? hello, President Ronald Reagan?
President Ronald Reagan: yep. this is really me. this is weird for me cos i used to be an actor...
FBI: Jack Teixeira?
David: no.
FBI: David Lightman?
David: yes.
FBI: we're taking you away forever. we're placing you under arrest for starting World War III. Lightman? are you from Tron? is Tron real, too?
David: guys why did you have to desecrate the sanctity of 7-Eleven with your cheap van abduction? a 7-Eleven is a holy place, hallowed ground.
Dabney Coleman: why don't i believe you?
David: cos you're dumb.
Dabney: damn, i used to have a menacing face. why were you planning to flee to Paris?
David: um, your wife.
Dabney: oh thank you, my wife will appreciate a trip to Paris.
David: a door lock? i can hack a door lock in my sleep. luckily there's always sexual harassment in the workplace which will provide the cover i need to escape...
David: where's the tour? i lost the tour.
tour guide: everyone in the tour group is under the stairs, they've all been charged with espionage.
David: oh look, a drone.........wait this is the FIRST DRONE!!!
Falken: it's not a drone, it's a real dinosaur thank you very much. a pterodactyl.
David: why do you live far away on an island with a magic lake?
John Lennon: hermits are healthy, right? civilization sucks. look, the truth is i'm staying here recording my solo album with Ringo and it's been a DISASTER...
John Lennon: what's the point? why are we so bent on destroying ourselves? humanity will be replaced like humanity replaced the dinosaurs. imagine Earth as a world of just bees. imagine all the billions of bowls of Honey Nut Cheerios!!!
Jennifer: i hate cereal.
David: i can't believe i'm gonna die before learning how to swim.
Jennifer: you're lucky, you had a birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese, i only had a birthday party at the YMCA...
David: hey upstairs!!! can you dim the spotlight a little, it's too bright!!! this isn't a Broadway play.........yet...
John Lennon: come with me if you want to live.
David: wait how can you afford a helicopter on a teacher's salary?
David and Jennifer on the ferry.
Jennifer: wanna go into another movie? Working Girl perhaps?...
Steven Spielberg: and now this scene looks exactly like Close Encounters of the Third Kind.........with the bright spotlight and everything...
John Lennon: play "Give Peace a Chance" by The Beatles into the computer.
David: the computer is LEARNING. not like AI learning, GOOD learning...
computer: this is a zero-sum song...
John Lennon: it's a strange song. because it's a hopeful song.
computer: wanna play a nice game of chess?
Beringer: no, the Soviets are good at chess...
Roger Federer: hey but there is ONE scenario where nuclear war wins. the Cincinnati Backdoor Strike...
Ronald Reagan: information technology? no, better not, i can't remember information anymore...
Codrus: call it demon dialing. wardriving will be very useful to Google. BBSs will be wasted on 4chan. sysop? like maple syrup?
Melissa Maker: more like male strippers.
Takahashi: okay we gotta talk about the video game. do you think a VIDEO GAME of THIS PARTICULAR MOVIE is such a good idea?!!! talk about blurring the lines. how do you know when you're playing this video game at home on your Atari that you're not causing World War III.........IN REAL LIFE...
The Beepers "Video Fever": why aren't we more famous? why aren't we at Video Killed The Radio Star level?
Eye: have you read the lyrics of this song? they are SO prescient of our present age...
Dirg: video-game addiction is no joke, look what happened to me, being friendless is not cool. dorks are dangerous...
Digimon: WarGames for kids. that is so sad that that is a thing...
Stanislav Petrov: i saved the world.
Jesus: ...
Stanislav Petrov: g'night folks.
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