Julie Patzwald carries her blank look on her face as she shakes hands with Laertus for 30 minutes without a break at the grocery store. she doesn't say anything, she just stares and shakes.
Julie Patzwald: pain.
Laertus: what?
Julie: don't you think we should move from the middle of this parking lot? we're gonna get run over by a camper.
Laertus: smashing idea. i'm Laertus but the way. my friends call me Laertus. my actual name is Larry.........so are you lost?
Julie, blankly and in monotone: brother, you have NO idea.
Laertus: that's a lifetime answer. you look familiar. are you one of Eye Luggage's friends?
Julie: last thing i remember, i'm here.
Laertus: i mean we're near the Sherman Oaks Galleria. in fact i was just on my way to join my fiancee. wanna be a mallrat for a day?...
Suzy Lu: i have death anxiety.
Kakashi: lul, Lu. why? you have the perfect life. you have a great life. what more could you want from life?
Suzy Lu: i'd like to not have nightmares of my death every night.
Kakashi: don't worry about that, babe, you got me to protect you now. and if i can't my pops will protect you in the next world.
Suzy Lu: honey, what's the meaning of life?
Kakashi: death.
Suzy Lu: you were exposed to war at such an early young tender age, you were a war orphan.
Kakashi: all i ever wanted to do was sell scarves. but my mom made me become a dentist and put braces on people...
California curve: ice-cold, especially in Brentwood...
Dances with Wolves: it's basically Avatar with the Lakota...
Diane Kochilas: no that wasn't me falling off the table. i have ancient Greek magic in me that will make you forget. i don't slip cos i wear no slip. apparently i'm only good enough to make the junior varsity, i'm on the PBS B Team, Channel 10, not Channel 9...
duck curve: it's actually more serious than your dick curve cos there won't be any electricity to power your dildo...
hook shop: a bookshop with fishing lures as bookmarks...
San Diego: we're putting our annual Sandcastle Contest out by the shore, that should be enough of a sandbank against the hurricane, right?
Will Ferrell: stay classy with those Sandbars, those cocktails are expensive.
Carli Lloyd: you know you didn't do well at the World Cup when you've already fired your old coach and hired a new coach BEFORE the Final is played...
Mario Segale: royalty checks? nah, it's enough that i look like Super Mario. i wanted to be a wrestler. hey at least i'm not a hardass greedy landbaron like Mr. Roper...
Laertus: right this way...
Laertus takes Julie Patzwald by the hand and zombie-walks her across the street to the free clinic.
doctor with straw hair: what seems to be the issue, miss?
Laertus: she chooses her words very carefully. i think she's stoned.
doctor: what do you do for a living, miss?
Julie: i'm an actress. my enunciation and diction make me an angel.
doctor: okay i'll be back. get into this green-tea-green hospital gown, miss.
Laertus: WHOA YOU'RE HOT!!! you got nice big tits and a nice round ass and rosy cheeks and long shiny hair and sparkly luring mooring betwitching eyes from Scotland or something.........i am so sorry, that was quite crude. i was way out of line. please forgive me, i am but a man. i'm a guy.
Julie: yeah that's okay, i got 5 brothers. i'm not trying to seduce you in the slightest. i'm not a spiderwoman.
Laertus: that hospital gown does not cover ANYTHING up, huh.
doctor: so there's nothing wrong with you. nothing physically wrong with you. look at this X-ray i took of you.........wait let me drastically slide the X-ray onto the lightbox with flair. WHOOSH!!! see? nothing.
Julie: there is something there, doctor. this is an X-ray of my heart and it's all black...
Laertus: let's pop into this corner church.
Julie: i'm goth.
Laertus: i know you're not religious. trust me.
Laertus leads Julie by the hand past the maze of pews to the altar and looks up. and gently lifts her chin up so she can see, too.
Laertus: see the Jesus statue made of splintered wood up there?
Julie: nailed to the cross. that's gotta hurt.
Laertus: yeah. is this Jesus on the cross with his eyes closed RIGHT NOW opening his eyes and talking to you? does he claim to be your psychiatrist? has he put on a mauve sweater to hide his spear-wound in his side? is he actively quoting Goethe and Freud? putting on glasses? heavily patting your head? telling you to lie down and don't worry about HIM lying down?...
Julie: no.
Laertus: okay, good. that was the test. this was the psych eval. you're not crazy. BUT therapy won't help your pain.
Julie: if you're agnostic, you're acoustic. if you're atheist, you're electric.
Laertus: nice. do you play the guitar?
Julie: i wish. if i had been in a band, music would have saved me...
Captain Kirk: starships? no no, i travel outer space in a Pedego bicycle.........that's how i won that space reality show...
Hawaii Five-0 2010 reboot: we quit.........for health reasons.........what were we thinking? NOBODY can replace Jack Lord...
Professor Laurence Tribe: i mean if you gotta pick a tribe...
Larry Tribe: ambit is not armpit...
Avril Lavigne: poutine is not the French word for "whore..."
Jimmy Dean: wait we're doing plant-based sausage bowls now? ME the cattle rancher? okay but i'm not doing a commercial for the plant-based shit with my cute folksy downhome voice. gimme back my cowboy hat, fuck you, man...
The Outer Limits "Dead Man's Switch": despite having a man in a nuclear bunker in America and a woman in a nuclear bunker on the clear other side of the world in Russia, we still managed to have a sex scene...
Matthew Broderick: you're welcome...
Matthew Broderick: this episode was live-action Captain Planet...
Julie Patzwald: Outer Limits, oh yeah, i remember my Outer Limits days. do you know how much pressure it is to be Hellboy's daughter? i had to be such a goody two-shoes throughout my teen years...
Lance Armstrong: the Santa Cruz Ride Out? do you need a permit to do drugs?...
Central Coast Audiology: Cindy Williams does us!!! it's not Audiology, it's Audacy as in Odyssey...
California: like, how are we supposed to prepare for a hurricane when we don't know what a hurricane IS?!!!...
Roger Federer: am i entertaining coming back? coming out of retirement? of course. you can't deny the Federer/Alcaraz matchup is mysterious, intriguing, fascinating, and spicy...
Bruce Willis: maybe i can work as a clairsentient around this neighborhood of Las Palmas stone mansions by this stone retaining hurricane firewall...
Fred Flintstone: ...
Usain Bolt: i was all natural, baby. i didn't use any enhancements inside or outside my body. no drugs, no U-bolts clamped to my legs...
Bostitch: in Boston, Brian Bonsall on the Family Ties set uses hurriquake nails to patch up his room...
Alcaraz: call me Carlitos Caesar. i raise my arm into the sky for Spain, for the King of Spain, for the Spanish Soccer Women, and for Joaquin Phoenix.
Gavin Newsom: look at me and imagine Matthew McConaughey as a governor...
Blue Gender: everyone's a head of lettuce...
Lawman Johnson: i also replace your cracked car windshield...
Lawrence O'Donnell: wait, you went to battle Stephen A. Smith's family on Family Feud and didn't invite me? I am not part of your family?
Tamron Hall: it was just me and my floor director from The Tamron Hall Show...
Lawrence: you still mad at me?...
Laertus: let's go somewhere with more peace and quiet.........this Chuck E. Cheese's on the right corner...
the two settle at the middle table of the auditorium encircled by noisy animatronic animals, the latest fullbody arcade cabinet, and skeeball played on ice. the overhead lights are in fact pizza-warming hot lamps...
Julie Patzwald: this is nice. i can think in this place. Kiefer Sutherland comes in here every week in a white wifebeater sleeveless shirt and that blond slicked-back JoJo's Bizarre Adventure pompadour hair with black comb, he just makes me feel so comfortable when he looks like that.
Pete Davidson: sorry for that waif-beater rumor on the internet...
Luke Russert crying: that blond hair remind me of Tai...
Kiefer Sutherland: i don't know which rumors you're hearing, but i don't hate my father...
Kiefer: if Bump gets reelected, a new season of 24 is on the horizon...
Laertus: so what do you think your pain is?
Julie: i don't know. it's hard to pinpoint exactly. i have good days and i have bad days. some days i'm on top of the world, on top of the universe, winning awards for my acting.
Laertus: oh yeah, you as that space cat on Stargate, i loved you in that!!!
Julie: please don't mention that show, that was my peak. i had fun on that show, that show was my family. mention something like The Dead Zone, i was dead on that show. when you live for others not yourself. i became an actress to support my family. i play OTHER people, i'm not me. i don't know who i am, my identity broke. i may be young but i've suffered through a lifetime of pain. some days i'm listening to the soundtrack of my life on a black CD that looks like a black hole...
Laertus: oh yeah like when you were on Stargate!!!
Laertus: you know what i think it is? you were nervous for your scene with Matt Dallas on Kyle XY, remember?
Julie: that was the only time in my career i got to play a fun part. a perky teen waitress. i either play dark or space.
Laertus: yeah see i REMEMBER you specifically from your last name in the credits!!! you have a very unique last name, and it dawned on me, you're the cute spunky waitress from Kyle XY!!! you were so MEMORABLE in that scene. and think about it, that was the ONLY scene you did, you weren't a repeat character, from that ONE scene America fell in love with you.
Julie: and Canada. yeah i was very nervous around Matt, i wanted to bone him after work, both my works. i didn't want to mess up my lines, i needed to remain cute during our scene, smooth, i didn't want to say the wrong thing, i didn't want to start babbling on about my cat collection. the pain of embarrassment is the WORST pain...
Laertus: yeah. concentration is a bitch. whatever happened to Matt Dallas?
Julie: dude completely disappeared after our encounter...
Laertus: feeling better?
Julie: a little.
Laertus: see you at the mall?
Julie Patzwald: i guess.
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