ZARDOZ: GOD IS IN SHOW BUSINESS

 

Lindy Lenz: Luke, buddy, you gotta get out there and help the community, you gotta get out of yourself, that's the only way you're gonna move on from Tai.

Luke Russert: i know. but i'll never forget Tai no matter what. but you're right, i gotta remove the image of Tai's face from my face's mind by helping others. you know when i was in my doldrums in a ditch i was thinking a lot about the Bloods and the Crips.

Lindy: naturally.

Luke: i think i can solve their problem with each other. just get me down to L.A., get me to the desert.

Lindy: i got the perfect buggy for you, sir...

Luke: okay we're here in Los Angeles, at some rap mogul's mansion in the hills. and my special guest Serena Williams, i sent for her personally. did you use my private jet?

Serena Williams: um, no. you know when i did the Crip Walk at Wimbledon, that was a defining moment in the Civil Rights Movement. from absolute ghetto poverty to the hallowed rich grass of Wimbledon, i was the bridge. i was bringing those two very DISPARATE classes of people together, it's all about showing that all people are the same.

Luke: you hear that, gang members? now what seems to be the troubles between you two?

Crip: it's about hopelessness and...

Blood: institutional societal disenfranchisement and...

Luke: no see the real problem is this pizza from 7-Eleven i hold in my hand. see i SWORE that 7-Eleven had a SAUSAGE pizza,. but it turns out they DON'T. you see how your mind plays tricks on you? you see how you can't believe what your own eyes see? it's the same with you guys. you guys don't have a beef with each other, you guys only have each other. everyone's cool and happy and will be fine. the problem never existed like 7-Eleven sausage pizza...

Luke: now one thing i CAN do for you gentlemen is build you a nice SHOWER in this mansion you two gangs will share living together. nothing cools the temperature in the room like a nice COLD shower. i took many cold showers when i was with Tai...

Luke: anyway, enough tearful watery memories. feelings bad. i'm gonna build you a shower with anechoic walls, the stuff they use in recording studios and bomb bunkers. you won't be able to hear a SOUND, it's the QUIETEST PLACE ON EARTH. the noise of meditation, not gunshots. i was planning to build this shower for Tai as my wedding gift to her but...

Lindy: okay Luke, you okay? let's stop here, you're being hard on yourself again...

Jen R and i are visiting Chelsea Market.

Jen R: my old stomping grounds in New York City!!! people don't know about this place, they all turn left here to peek at the Statue of Liberty's upskirt rather than hang a right.

me: have you found any new old grandma sweaters on these thousands of outdoor racks on the sidewalk curb next to a pizza joint under a tent?

Jen R: i'm in the midst of a thrift threat!!! you'd be surprised the number of different shades of pink there are when it comes to tattered grandma sweaters...

me: you know i've been researching your condition on the internet. much cheaper than going to medical school.

Jen R: and? what'd you find?

me: please don't do the eye surgery, babe!!! your eyes are so beautiful, without your eyes i'd have nowhere to get lost in. i'd have nowhere to go swimming in.

Jen R: okay i'll stick to my eyedrops.

me: steroids. it's the steroids that scare me, babe. 

Jen R: yeah i know. i like my frame, i like being skinny, i don't want a Barry Bonds body.

Jen R: i can't believe it's already night.

me: i'm lost when i'm with you. the good lost. you're the most important thing that has ever happened to me. you're the most important thing i've ever done on Instagram.

Jen R: i love watching the surfers at night.

me: two people on one surfboard isn't recommended, right?

Jen R and i end our night by climbing slowly up a one-inch sandhill on the beach to watch the show.

me: wait, so where's the show? did we miss the "last" Pink Floyd concert? the "last" Daft Punk concert?

Jen R: look up.

i look up at the dark-blue night and a thunderstorm is about to begin. it starts to crackle bolts in staccato, piercing the milky clouds like a melody. the night sky lights up in intervals like a Spielberg symphony.

me: nature's miracle.

Jen R: don't be struck by it tho.

me: am i hearing faint music?

Jen R: yep, coming out of my sweater pocket, it's my cassette tape of The Doors "Riders on the Storm" playing on my '80s Walkman. see? only old pink raggedy wide-loop-knit grandma sweaters have pockets BIG ENOUGH to hold a Walkman!!!

The Pope: my favorite instrument? no not the finger cymbals. it's the Red Violin...

Zoidberg: the only thing better than Christmas in the Futurama world is Christmas during Medieval times...

Doryce: okay so when a man is telling me online, "let's play on Steam," he means he wants to fuck in the Burger King Sauna in Helsinki, right?...

Dirg: sucking on tits is the best way for me to relax, i'm just saying...

me: this is what i want to do for the rest of my life, scrape hardened oatmeal off bowls...

Roger Federer: do you ever feel that you're living in the United States of America but it feels like you're living in a third-world country?...

Bjork: right?...

Al Gore: theoretical gore? no, climate change is real. a theoretical gore are those chevrons on the road between an on-ramp and the highway that look like the Deception symbol.

Starscream: i only run on Chevron gas...

Michael Jordan: i don't get it, how did i lose to the United States at the FIBA World Cup?...

Eye Luggage: Zardoz and go.

John Boorman: i'm not a bore, man. i mean this thing REALLY almost never got made. 

Sara Kestelman: yeah i mean EVERY SINGLE WOMAN in this movie shows her tits. there had to have been a rule against that sort of thing, right?

John: yes. there was. also, we were smack in the middle of The Troubles, the IRA wasn't allowing any rifles or guns of any kind to be smuggled over the border to our set. so yeah, there almost wasn't any guns in this picture.

Sara Kestelman, sarcastically: oh what a shame.

John: but you know what? if no guns in my art means the Protestants and the Catholics can get along with their neighbors without killing each other with guns and forge a lasting peace, then i'm all for it. 

Sara: call them the British and the Irish, it wasn't a religious conflict. isn't it the ultimate irony when religion causes wars?...

Dirg: take a gander, take a look around this movie, THIS is what pre-Star Wars looked like...

Eye Luggage: i'm getting into this.

Laertus: yeah i know what you mean. it's like a nice long episode of dank '70s Doctor Who.

Eye: this is what Star Trek would've been if it had been filmed in the '70s...

Sean Connery: the BBC said i had a ponytail and wore one little strip of red tooth-floss over my cock and balls, a red leather nicotine patch over my Scottish ramrod penis. a string bikini for men. and buttfloss. look at my outfit up there, they clearly didn't watch the film...

Charlotte Rampling: i'm in my SEXY stage here, baby!!! i still have that ogre-like STARE to my eyes but i'm not an old hag, i'm a babe with a bod, so you're not concerned with my general foul disposition.

John Alderton: i'm the guy you DESPISE in the beginning cos i'm so smug, you learn to tolerate me in the middle, and by the end you see where i'm coming from. i'm like Larry from Three's Company. i would make the perfect alderman...

John Boorman: written, directed, and PRODUCED by John Boorman!!! now THIS, friends, is a fucking PASSION PROJECT!!!

John Boorman: science fantasy, it's better than drugs...

John Boorman: sword and planet, Flying Head, these are things to snort up your nose when you're writing such scripts as the epic Zardoz... 

Sean Connery: remember, it's all a misty dream.........like Excalibur...

flying man's face in blue Medieval veil-hat: hi. i'm Arthur Frayn. yes i'm that guy from LazyTown. this is the beginning of the movie. so this whole thing is a metaphor of course, it's an allegory to make you, the audience, think about our REAL WORLD and the REAL GOD. out there. i mean what does the Real God think of our flying grey head?

Fuerza: handsome guy.

blue man: i mean if there truly is no God, i mean no God in reality, not the movie stuff i'm talking about the real world, then isn't making movies on this barren planet a bit cheeky?...

Laertus: okay so the stone head flying in this film is ICONIC AS FUCK.

The Venture Bros: it sure is.

Zardoz: do i have an evil eye?...

Laertus: but whose face is it? is it supposed to be God's face?

John Boorman: no, it's the face of that guy's GIANT stone Ancient Greek head in the Pink Floyd "High Hopes" music video...

Sean: i have a gun? a rifle? a revolver? no, this is one of those bop space ray-gun things that shoots white circles. 

Ralph Bakshi: hey can i borrow your Lord of the Rings script?.........never mind...

Burt Reynolds: will this land me Loni? or does this lead to just another sausage commercial?

Zardoz: the penis is is bad. but the gun is WORSE.

Laertus: see? i can get behind this.

Dirg: you would.

Laertus: think about it, no penises, no need for guns.

Sean: we Brutals know more about climate change than our gods the Eternals. we see our gardens turning into irritated wastelands.

Ewoks: so these soldiers are us but with scary nightmare-fuel masks...

John Boorman: yes. instead of your cute cuddly furry fuzzy faces. think Planet of the Apes on Tom Cruise beach horses...

Fuerza: see? shoulda gone with a female god with a prettier face sunbathing in the desert. easier to manipulate men when the god is female...

Takahashi: this whole field-working farmland stuff is like a live-action Attack on Titan...

Zardoz: don't enter me through my nose, it's rude. i have the common cold.

Arthur Frayn: you would kill God?

Zed: but you're not God, you're Arthur Frayn.

Arthur: get it? Arthur Frayn, Albert Einstein. Arthur Frayn like the frame of a man, like a computer frame at Fry's Electronics...

Zed: how does this flying stone head stay up in the air anyway?

Arthur: electric, no gas.

Zed: i'm not scared of you, the universe is a hologram operated by aliens.

Arthur Frayn: then who created the aliens? who is the aliens' God?

Zed: Fox Mulder.

Arthur: fox spirit, it's always that mischievous fox spirit.

 

Cardinal Navin from St. Cyril's: you know i really enjoy the philosophy in this film, this idea that gods are so BORED they have to do something DRASTIC.

Nietzsche: i shoulda gone to YOUR church more...

Melbourne: whoa, this storage room reminds me of MY storage room of Boxing Helena statues of Greek and Roman goddesses and gods armless with no fig leaf on white privates made of carved alabaster plaster...

May: you've somehow crossed over into The Vortex.

Zed: thank you, i am now at summer camp. i recognize that woman's hand holding that sword in that lake, what does that woman look like?

May, blushing: yes, my hair was the pattern for Princess Leia's Cinnabon hair...

Zed: hey can i just marry that naked Maid Marian over there side-saddling that horse and forego the rest of the movie?...

May, blushing: no, i'm not Hermione's mum...

Eye: oh i wanted to learn about the crops here from the narrator's voice. the potatoes and such. oh look, see that jack-in-the-box clown? with the red hair and blue freckles and skirt, that was EVERYBODY's jack-in-the-box clown in the '70s...

Jack from Jack In The Box: remember when Jack In The Box didn't have a smarmy spokeshead and was just a place for surfers? but now i'm a Flying Head...

Consuella: Consuella? am i a maid from Mexico?

May: more like a housekeeper from Spain.

Consuella: he's a good-looking bloke for a cocky bastard, that's a dangerous combination, he'll infect our pristine population. 

May: i want to conduct non-sexual scientific experiments on his body.

Friend: ironic, aye? i'm the friend you realize is your friend only when it's too late for you. i'm the one with the whip, you dumb ape. i'm gonna whip your buttocks all day long with this whip.

Zed: i feel that you got beat up a lot as a kid...

Consuella: science class, fellow gods. gather round, everyone, and learn.

Friend: gods can still learn?

Consuella: yeah it's like one of those Ancient Greek learning circles at the Parthenon. let me put this up on the overhead projector, now see, we know the biological processes involved in making a penis ejaculate cum. we know what leads to boner, but WHY does a man do this? is it out of love or fear? is he afraid of love? i mean it's the same feeling when he's being hanged and when he goes to war, so is a woman a war? is a woman a death sentence? sex and death, the man feels the same kind of excitement.

Zed, sweating: um.........i, uh, *GULP*.........i like you.........do you want to, um, go on a date with me?...

Consuella: where are my flowers and box of chocolates?

Rod Serling: every science-fiction story has its settlers using a BIG-ASS millstone to roll wheat into flour to make donuts...

Zed: a horse-and-carriage? i feel sorry for the horse who has to live here with you. what would happen if i murdered you in the middle of the night at a tavern?

Friend: strangely specific. i wouldn't die, i'd age.........which in Hollywood is WORSE...

enjoying an aperitif with the Apathetics.

Alex Trebek: none of these old people in this retirement home that looks like a going-out-of-business liquidation last day of a bar with silver tinsel would be so grumpy if they had signed up for Colonial Penn life insurance.

Rod Serling trapped inside a locked-up art gallery at midnight in Fresno: ... 

Friend: see that girl over there? i almost married that girl and got out of this movie.

Zed: see? that's what i'm talking about.

Jen Pizarro: that girl's your Jen P...

Zed: so you're saying that I, Sean Connery, in order to save the world, have to FUCK EVERY WOMAN HERE? i have to FUCK EVERY SINGLE FEMALE VILLAGER? in this barn. on this barnstraw here?

Friend: shhh, the trial's about to start. the Trial of the Century, and like O.J. i know the man on trial is guilty as sin, i can see it in his eyes.........also i can read his mind.

Zed: hey where do you get those snazzy glass diamond communicator rings?

Friend: i went to Jared. i know he's guilty but i'm gonna vote to acquit him cos i do the whole troll-the-world Trump thing, you know?

Zed: dusty library with carved Roman warnings, seems safe.

Laertus: okay John Boorman, that was very clever, i give you credit for this, i can't believe i held out THIS LONG!!! but only RIGHT NOW was the first time the reveal hit me, that Zardoz is Wizard of Oz. 

John Boorman: that's bonkers, mate!!!

Laertus: i know, right? nobody told me this secret till now. it's the same thing that happened to me with that scene from Alien, the alien popping out of that man's chest, i had no idea the robot was a robot...

Takahashi: okay now THIS is where I give John Boorman credit!!! the Ancient Greek longtable with the ivy and grape leaves hanging on the ceiling. see this could have been a COSTLY scene with special effects of blue lasers and Star Wars such. but it's all done in the mind, the participants literally use their FINGERS to show they have great power that's pulverizing poor Friend. they're all collectively giving Friend the Italian-tutting Malocchio jazz-hands curse. it's all done out of thin air, out of the aether, out of the imagination. it's very play-like.

John Boorman: yeah that scene really saved the budget.

Old Friend: i'm your old friend now, get it?

Zed: how do i cure you?

Friend: let's consult the old man on his deathbed, he's the one who monkeyed with everything and created everything. 

old man on deathbed's dying words: the Tabernacle. and i'm not even a priest.

Friend: we want to die!!! the only way to end humanity's suffering and overthrow the government is to DIE!!!

Zed: think about what you're saying, the only way to be free is not to have life. that can't be right...

Friend: WHOA!!! Sean Connery, the tough man from the Scottish Isles, in a wedding dress. are you sure this isn't emasculating you in a woke world?

Sean Connery: this reminds me of my wedding day when i wore a kilt...

Zed: shit there's an invisible barrier around this whole area like that one Outer Limits episode with Ryan Phillippe...

Zed: no i don't want to watch a microfiche on the History of the Automobile and how it was invented in Britain. when do you get to the flying cars? why haven't the gods invented the flying car yet?...

Friend: we have a minecart that goes down Mount Olympus...

at the library.

Zed: why are you trying to stab me in the back with a letter opener?

Consuella: i come after you before you come after me, i will NOT be slapped in the face or choked in the neck by Sean Connery...

Zed: Zardoz, explain these symptoms: i felt like i was going to die, my chest tightened up into stress strings all over my pectorals, lightning zigzags of shooting pain, stressmarks, streakmarks streaking everywhere, the dull pain, the dull ache of imminence, i thought i was gonna have a heart attack at any moment, i was scared to shower, i couldn't eat, i couldn't breathe, i am always short of breath even though i don't smoke. i can't sit down. side aches. dizziness, about to fall over. weariness. what is this? and can it be treated with medicine? house mold? is it a virulent strain of flu? do i use Tylenol? Mucinex? antibiotics stolen from my mom and wife? or is it just stress? was it a panic attack? Xanax is such an unmanly drug. do i resume my deep-breathing exercises? with Vanquish and ice packs? when this disease entered my lungs through my bearded throat it felt like a Scottish specter of malevolence, a spectre, a lock demon is inside my chest.

Zardoz: not permitted.

Zed: is it covid?

John McEnroe: i feel you, man...  

Tabernacle: see? AI is bad. AI makes you bored cos it does everything for you and turns humans into potted plants. get out there, get a religion, become a Mormon and sing your suffering.

Morning Meditations: not enough. you need to FUCK. not for procreation, for pleasure. remember, family is everything...

Pati Jinich: ...

at the circus.

Consuella: why do you sleep? you leave yourself in such a vulnerable position for your enemies to attack you.

Zed in a cage: you're right, it's a wonder why more people don't get killed in their sleep. i sleep to dream.

Consuella: what do you dream of?

Zed: you naked.........looking at me with those mean steely eyes of yours...

Zed: were humans meant to be happy?

God: no, humans were meant to be status-quo...

Zed: i blacked out there for a moment, did i impregnate you?

May: we'll settle it on Jerry...

Zed: what is the meaning of life?

God: all your shortcomings...

Zed: oh now i get it, it was the Reception Filter the whole time. you guys needed a better Oculus...

at the cave.

Consuella: so now that our teenage son has grown up and left the house, uh the cave, to go to college, our lives are worthless.

Zed: yeah let's just the two of us turn into skeletons.

Link: The Legend of Zelda: Gemshorn. right? that would have sold more units than kingdom tears. people would have been interested in and speculating online on how i managed to shave every single one of my curly pubic hairs with a rupee. to form my bald penis. g'night folks.