Lindy Lenz: Luke, where have you been, dude?
Luke Russert: yeah i don't wanna talk about it.........i've done so many things, been to so many wheres, places galore. in pursuit of love. i thought i had it this time, i thought i had her this time.........but.........that was a lot of work this time.........yeah i don't wanna talk about it.
me: you were gone for like five weeks. where's Tai?
Luke: yeah i don't wanna talk about it. i'm really down in the dumps, guys. i can barely move. the sky is grey but not in the good way.
Lindy: okay Luke we're sorry, we'll let you go. but with us, not alone. you're going through some things. how shall we cheer you up? do you want a platonic friend hug from me?
me: your choice. where do you want to go? anywhere in the world...
Luke: Smart & Final. cos i always feel like a college student after i shop there. and i need closure.
Luke sullenly suddenly vanishes as we enter the unique grocery store.
Lindy: oh shit we better hunt for him, we don't want him disappearing from us again for five weeks in his condition.
Luke: fear not, fellow trodden travelers, i'm here in the nachos section.
Luke places a paper tray filled to the brim with nachos and cheese on the conveyor belt.
clerk: how do i know the price of this?
Luke: the UPC zebra square is inside the nachos.
the clerk pokes his finger into the hot melty cheese.
clerk: FUCK THIS BURNED ME!!! next time i'm using my gun, my red scanner gun.
Lindy: bro this is William the Red, you love William the Red, this ain't that other clerk.
Luke: sorry bro, i'm distanced, distracted, bad breakup. like REALLY bad breakup. all red love for the ginger. all that bubbling nacho cheese reminds me of Tai's hair!!! and her temper. have you ever seen a BIG man cry? the tears are like a bearhug. i also cry cos my dad is gone, i can't tell him things anymore, i can't talk to him about these things, about Tai and Florida and miniature whiteboards. sorry, i got some of my mucus on the conveyor belt...
Lindy sits Luke down at the frozen aisle.
Lindy: look around you, Luke, witness the GLORY of this grocery store!!! the flowing rainbow-colored banners of the new Monopoly game here!!!
Luke, sourly: eh, they're just copying Mcdonald's. there's nothing new anymore in the world. except me finding love.
Lindy shuttles Luke over to the cereal aisle.
Lindy: Luke, LOOK!!! ICEE CEREAL!!! we're talking about Icee cereal, man!!! this is the MOTHERLODE!!! it doesn't GET any better than Icee cereal!!!
Lindy opens a box.
Lindy: look see here, smell it.
Luke: yeah, i smell the COLD of it.
Lindy: right? i opened the box just now and you felt a DRAFT. put these Icee cereal balls in a bowl with milk and put ice cubes in the milk and it's like you're slurping the real thing at the mall!!!
Luke: but Gene Simmons is more successful with women than me.
Lindy: you'll see, Luke, you'll get a sign on your way home.
Luke exits Smart & Final and bumps right into the wet nose of a GORGEOUS GIANT of a Golden Retriever. the dog licks Luke's nose.
Lindy: see? told ya. animals can sense another animal's pain. a dog can discern another creation's grief.
Luke starts bawling his eyes out red.
Luke: i can't. all this dog's long flowing golden hair reminds me of Tai's long flowing blonde hair!!!
Lindy: how'd you get here, boy? i don't see your leash.
Golden Retriever: i walked. you think wet dog is bad, i have to smell wet Florida Man.
on the way to the motel Luke trips over a golden-monarch butterfly who flies and lands perched perfectly on the Golden Retriever's nose...
Jen R and i are scouting colleges in the Maryland area. we come to the office bookshop of a very famous particular Baltimore institute of higher learning.
Jen R: u mad? sorry, had to. to all my cheesebros in Wisconsin. college tour!!! exciting. doesn't it feel like freedom?
me: no it's just more work.
Jen R: remember, learn from my life experience. go to the art institute, not the art department of the institution of research education.
me: do i seem desperate to you?
Jen R: yes.
me: good. that's what i was going for. cos i am. i am DESPERATE to lock in your love for life. so in order to cure your Sjogren's i'm gonna have to enroll in medical school here. my mom will be happy with you. gotta say i never thought i'd return to school at all much less to go to medical school...
Jen R: shouldn't be too hard. you got a scholarship, right? it'll only take about 16 years.
Jen R: aw man trodding my old haunts around here really brings back the memories. carrying the empties in my hobo satchel. to pay for my scholarship i was a nude model for art classes here.
me: undergraduates?
Jen R: of course. i never had the art school experience, others had the art school experience, I was THEIR art school experience!!!
i suddenly pick Jen R up, spin her around like Mary Tyler Moore, and hug her passionately.
me: i can't live without you.
after placing Jen R down she smiles a happy face and does a jig around the bookstore like a bag lady.
Jen R: see?!!! i KNEW you'd bring the hope this week.
Jen R nudges my elbows with her pointy 2 fingers.
Jen R: nudge nudes. hey hey, look at me, when i smile like this do i look like one of your favorite anime characters?
me: eerily so.
Jen R: you know, youth is wasted on the young but not in the way you think. the best part about being young is being HEALTHY. PHYSICALLY healthy...
me: picture us as a couple 10 years ago. we're Fry and Leela just chilling in my apartment at Robot Arms. you've decided to try me finally and move in with me for the first time. it's not a sex thing, we play Professor HJ Farnsworth Parcheesi at night on the bed. a bed with no sheets and a fire-glazed jar of molten fondue cheese in the center wet spot. we share a hologram toothbrush. the future, both meanings, is bright. we're just two rocket people living together, just starting out...
Chemical Brothers: we gotta get all these beats out there, all our beats, before our brains turn off, twitch sideways, and shut down. before the ketamine kicks in. before we're not of sound mind anymore...
Lauren Davis: if Shailene Woodley played tennis...
Aaron Rodgers: now THAT is short...
Souvla: it means spit in Greek. is that the best name for a restaurant?...
Walmart: yes, we're gonna use one whole post to advertise THAT ONE bottle of Catalina salad dressing you may have been thinking about in an email...
skip loader: Skippy from Family Ties is finally getting his own show...
Signal Hill, CA: the Great Gatsby fog-harbor glowing green lantern light.
Arnold Schwarzenegger: i will never choose the AI Power Boost...
Seattle Mariners: we're winning the World Series this year for Kurt Cobain!!!
Seattle Mariners: we will grant the wish of all Americans and make sure the Astros win NOTHING...
Prigozhin: i mean next time i'm really going for it. my mother always told me, "Lil Pri, Zhinny, if you're gonna coup, really go THROUGH with the coup..."
Prigozhin: and next time i'm flying Delta...
Eye Luggage: Pee-wee's Big Holiday and go.
Pee-wee Herman: see that top pic up there? that wasn't in the movie. that would've been AWESOME as the final scene: Joe comes out in a Pee-wee suit to PROVE he's my best friend for life...
E.T.: okay this opening scene is HILARIOUS.
Steven Spielberg: Pee-wee has more emotion here than Elliott, sorry. Dee the mother cried better than the boy...
Mac and Me alien: i can't help but think as i sit down on my couch and watch this, Mac and Me could have been so much more heartfelt like this...
Pee-wee: wait, my alien is sticking two McDonald's french fries in his nose.
Pee-wee through tears: what was the best part of Earth for you?
alien, through tears: no taxes.
Pee-wee Herman: Fairville? but where is my house? where's the Pee-wee's Playhouse house!!!?
Hugh Hefner: Pee-wee, we need to talk...
me: okay if i could have learned to drive in that cherry-red MINIATURE Cadillac car Pee-wee drives around the block, even I wouldn't be scared anymore. those cars are COOL.........Melbourne!!!
Melbourne: ...
me: it's what you imagine when you're a kid and you dream about being able to shrink down and drive your Matchbox car.
Melbourne: to school. my school was built on a loop...
Pee-wee: fuck the Car Show. fuck Car Week.
woman: Pee-wee, wanna be my steady boyfriend?
Pee-wee: um, i'm asexual.
woman: this breaks my heart. and tugs at my soul. i had it all set up, we were gonna get married in the town library.
Pee-wee: i know you are not what am i? i don't read books, i'm not a NERD!!! although you kinda look like Penny, my Claymation creation not in this movie...
Lynne Marie Stewart: hey wait a minute, i can't find me in this movie. where was i? i'm obviously not Miss Yvonne anymore, with my finery and linens, i'm a boy named Jimmy?...
Pee-wee: you guys really piss me off, you know that?!!! first of all you get to wear those cool cream vests.
band members; but Pee-wee, we only have one song, we play the same song over and over for a hour at our concerts. and we have football practice.
Pee-wee: you think i give two shits about football?
band members: please don't throw that pot at our heads again. but Pee-wee, you're living the dream, you work at a diner like SpongeBob in real life.
Pee-wee: i ALMOST got a contract with Nickelodeon.
Ariana Grande: i secretly shadowbanned you from the company because i am DEEPLY sexually attracted to you, Pee-wee Herman.
Pee-wee: connect the dots, la la la la.
old lady: that connects to my death.
Pee-wee: why do old ladies love candy so much?
old lady: cos we don't have much time left, this is our last sugar. what kind of fucking candy you SLURP WITH A STRAW?!!! this root-beer barrel candy is reminding me of a hospital, fuck that.
Pee-wee: WHOA!!! JOE MANGANIELLO IS HOT!!! look at that stud strut in here inside my little old fainting-vapors diner lookin' like a tall Aaron Rodgers or tasty Nic Cage or someshit.
Joe Manganiello flipping a menu, spinning a menu on this jeaned butt: what do you recommend?
Pee-wee: i'm gay. i'm queer.
Joe: i know. so am i. but what do you recommend? the milkshake perhaps?
Pee-wee: my milkshake brings all the guys to the yard, hee hee haha. i'm rubber you're glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you.
Joe: um, yes, i used to work hardhat construction. i glued my hard hat to a steel beam, on the 100th story of a skeletal building for kicks...
Joe: you know how famous i am? actors are the most famous people in the world, more than popes.
Pee-wee: don't worry, you'll make it in Hollywood some day. look at me, i made it and it killed me.
Joe: wanna take a selfie?
Pee-wee: i don't do that stuff anymore.
Joe: i wanna take a picture of your scale model of the Fairville town and the tree there of us taking a selfie, very Playmobil. except you didn't capture my vampire ears...
Pee-wee: what does Sofia Vergara's true blood taste like?...
Joe: you gotta get out more, Pee-wee. wanna see a movie?
Pee-wee: not in a theater tho. let's just Netflix something...
Pee-wee: oh no, if we're going on a road trip, i ain't traveling in no sidecar, i'm riding bitch on ONE motorized scooter, pal.
Joe: do you know where New York City is?
Pee-wee: yes but what's a birthday party?
Pee-wee: i'm gonna have sex dreams about you every night you're gone from me, Joe Manganiello.
Joe: those slow-motion Born on the Fourth of July fireworks, right? with the Spanish subtitles? i have the same dreams.
Pee-wee: i wish there would be a SIGN dropped on this neighborhood street where i live to point me in the right direction.........like an apple for Big Apple or something...
me: see? life would be so much easier if we were given actual SIGNS, like an acorn would drop on our lap to tell us which direction to take, which job to take, which woman to marry, which forked railroad to build.
Mardith: manifesting works, right? i mean it worked for Chloe Melas...
Emilie Ikeda: ...
Pee-wee: oh this is the best. my first time in the big city and i'm driving down this dusty trail with one stoplight and one horse on wheels. a rocking horse. and there are three babes robbing a bank and they're carrying those CARTOON MONEYBAGS. hello, Tits. i mean Toots. i'll be your getaway car, get in!!!
Jessica Pohly: not funny. i have acting ability. i went to Cal Poly. does pepper make you sneeze forever?...
Stephanie Beatriz: my Andy...
Pee-wee: stop right there!!! Andy Kaufman is a dillweed. okay Alia Shawkat, turn around and let me get a look at you, girl. do a few TWIRLS in that white fuzzy chamois sea-urchin Mae West life-vest muffin top you got on there. okay okay i see it, you got a BODY on you, you got body, i can see why Johnny Depp went for you. and you got that cute scrunched-nose Meg Ryan face with the freckles.
Stephanie Beatriz: which is ironic cos I am named Freckles...
Alia Shawkat: Pee-wee, MY name is Pee-wee, too.
Pee-wee: Pee-wee as a girl's name is WEIRD.
Alia lightly punching Pee-wee's face: take the knife out of this Dear John letter i wrote you and get yourself something nice, kid. can we borrow your Lupin Fiat 600 for the rest of the movie?...
Pee-wee: i can't believe i got my car stolen!!! what is this, Car Week?!!!
me: Connie, a beautiful name for a car and my mom...
traveling salesman: let's travel on the open road together. i'm gonna put this plastic poo on the roof of my car to scare passing drivers.
Pee-wee: maybe instead put plastic grocery bags filled with plastic food on your car roof, that'd be funnier and not disgusting.
Luke Russert: don't do the poo.
Pee-wee: so how was John Candy to work with?
salesman: nicest salesman i ever worked with. shame about his wife. did you know John Candy hated candy?...
salesman: omg this is HILARIOUS. don't you love my little car-window Venetian blind?
Pee-wee: don't speak Spanish to them, it's tacky. you know if you did this in 2023, tricking people like this on the highway, you would be road-raged gunned down with a rifle instantly.
Pee-wee: this dinosaur park is LAME.
salesman: it's not a dinosaur park, it's a spa. that's not green swampwater...
Pee-wee: i saw Tupac's hologram in there...
salesman: i mean it's KINDA a dinosaur park if you believe snakes evolved from dinosaurs. or the other way around. in any case they're rubber snakes so Darwin is Amish-beard goals.
Charles Darwin: winning!!! look at the skull on me!!! i got a GIANT smart head!!!
Pee-wee: um no, i could never be Amish, Jebediah. i like using the telephone too much. and now this balloon bit will go on for 15 minutes in front of your Amish children.
Amish community: that's okay, we got time.........how do you make a fully-formed fully-fleshed-out coherent song out of balloon squeaks?
Pee-wee: okay everyone, every Amish one, gather round and let's film that Skip-It commercial...
Pee-wee: are you trying to recruit me into the cult of a new religion?
Amish: Amish ain't that bad.
Pee-wee: Andy Kaufman tried to cult me into Transcendental Meditation but i rejected all those beneficial teachings cos i hate him. i could have used those relaxation techniques.
Amish: what's your religion?
Pee-wee: Mormon. I'm in the Tabernacle Choir.
Pee-wee: from Jebediah to another farmer. why do all farmers have daughters?
Farmer Brown from his porch: hi.
Pee-wee: the bacon guy?
Farmer Brown: one and the same. don't mind the rifle next to me.
Pee-wee: why did you create 50 daughters?
Farmer Brown: i'm overcompensating for being Amish.
Farmer Brown: come on, Pee-wee, the Slim Jim and Apple battery money ain't gonna last me forever...
Farmer Brown: at least marry the fat one, Pee-wee, my fat daughter has big tits. i rented out the Jon Secada church for one afternoon only...
Pee-wee: hey hey, do you recognize me in this disguise?
Farmer Brown: yes. who are you supposed to be?
Pee-wee: Clint Eastwood but from Cuba. John Wayne but from Mexico. Clark Kent, i'm disguised as Clark Kent...
Pee-wee: i love you hairdressers. a hairdresser convention in Georgia, that was when America was good, when America was Mecca, when i could still stand up and salute the flag and say the Pledge of Allegiance. when we all learned our geography with a map of America shaved into a gay black man's afro. that is love. remember when conventions were a big thing? going to a convention in an RV. let me slide across the silver-beam tray of this breakfast bar at this Holiday Inn, i get nostalgic and misty-eyed when i pass the French toast and fruit.
hairdressers: have hope, Pee-wee. you taught us all how to make French toast. you married fruit salad, that was the pivotal first step to us getting equal rights. have hope, Pee-wee, The Jennifer Hudson Show is on its way...
Diane Salinger: wanna go to the circus? wanna fly to the circus? only a gutsy brassy broad like me can drive the first flying car. cars are for dames. i'm the type of grandma who DOESN'T pass out candy. i LIVED The Rocketeer!!! i fucked the Red Baron as a spy, he was so distracted the Allies won the war.
Pee-wee: you wouldn't happen to have pennies for eyes, woulda?
Diane: here take the plane wheel, sorry for my scarf tails slapping you in the face. i'm ejecting, i have an afternoon tea with Hugh "High" Hefner...
Grizzly Bear Daniels: wanna see my Hot Tub Time Machine? it's in my cave.
Pee-wee: why do you live in a cave if you're not a monk?...
Pee-wee: do you know how expensive a horse and buggy is? especially a horse that talks?
Pepper: we can always get another one of those from Violetta Laze the fourth member of our group. only the Amish have hereditary immunity from murder hornets...
Pee-wee: i've never tried pizza before.
New York pizza guy: stop bullshitting the general populace, bugsy. i saw yous, i saw you in that one episode of Pee-wee's Playhouse eating pizza, you mook. don't lie, don't lie.
Pee-wee: how do you eat New York pizza?
New York pizza guy: fold it. if you use a knife and fork i swear to God i'll put a mob hit out on you and your pointy head.
Alia Shawkat: can i plant a platonic kiss on your lips?
Pee-wee: that was like kissing my sister. savor our kiss, my kiss is the last kiss you'll have as you go to prison forever...
Joe: i throw this glitz-n-glam big sky-shindig New York City party EXPRESSLY so Pee-wee would come. i don't care about any of my over 800 party guests in my high-rise down below.
Nicole Sullivan: do you care about me, your wife?...
Thea Andrews: oh my god remember ME?!!! i was EVERYWHERE ON ESPN in, like, 2006 or something. Cold Pizza, remember Cold Pizza?!!! it was the Summer of Thea, all those horse races...
David Arquette: i am randomly in this movie. and as a DJ. for some reason...
Janina Gavankar: why isn't there a Star Wars series on Disney with the main character being Luke Skywalker's sister?...
Joe: i know how i'll get Pee-wee out of the well. it's all about magnets. i need Lassie to help me, Pee-wee is allergic to dogs so he'll SNEEZE his way out of the manhole when his nose first encounters and comes into contact with wet Lassie dog...
Police Captain: sounds like a Night Court case...
Pee-wee: you're MY manhole, Joe.
Joe: what's this?
Pee-wee: a lanyard. i never went to camp.
Pee-wee, blushingly: you know, Joe, i feel so safe in your big arms. when you cuddle me in your big bicep arms i'm your kitten. i feel so snug. is this what riding off into the sunset feels like?
Joe: let's kiss on the mouth and get married.
Pee-wee: what do you call this, Joe?
Joe Manganiello: your happy ending.
Pee-wee: it's called a garnish, all you diner numbnuts. you don't eat it, you plant it like a tree.
Laertus: okay i gotta say, Diane Salinger and Grizzly Bear Daniels naked in the hot tub together, that's a mate, a match, a great pairing, that's OTP.
Eye Luggage: yeah. they're both loners, they're gonna make it. those two crazy kids were made for each other.
Paul Reubens: hey guys, don't worry. i'm here. i'm still here. it was all a bad acid trip. the type of acid trip you experienced every Saturday morning on Pee-wee's Playhouse. i'm not dead, i'm still alive, traveling the world somewhere. till i see you again. i'll see you real soon. g'night folks.
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