Eye Luggage: where've you been, babe?
Laertus looks distracted but not perturbed. he has finally joined the goth gaggle at Sherman Oaks Galleria.
Laertus: oh, um.........well.........helping someone in crisis.Eye: you?
Laertus, sweating: yes. always.........and HERE SHE IS NOW!!!
Eye: huh?
Julie Patzwald arrives late holding a black plastic lunchbox with the face of Pein from Naruto on the front.
Eye: Julie Patzwald, i'd like you to meet my adorable fiance Laertus...
Laertus: oh we've met.
Eye: i see.
Julie: it's not like that.
Julie Patzwald looks dazed. but dazed and calm, not dazed and agitated.
the entire glorious gaggle of goth hens are here, there's: Tida, Elion, Martenis, Arletty, Ayali, Matin, Aqeza, Adela, Augie, Belinda Post, Ixchel, Aidyl, and Valerian. all have black lunchpails, are slipped into black ballet slippers with a rusty penny in the loafer, and all wear pallid white makeup on their faces. Valerian hops around the red carpets of the mall in her giant space hopper with a 1910s Disney rabbit on the front. Valerian isn't really supposed to be doing that in the mall, it's against the law, but the mall cops don't give a shit.
Eye: alright girls, where first? birria for brunch?
Valerian: omg did you see that Avgolemono Arrowslit over there? that's the place for us!!!
Eye: they put the avgolemono in those cute paper saucer cups like high tea.
Julie: that Huarache shop we passed a floor below looked pretty rad but whatever.
Lucio Rossi: every time i see INCOMING CALL on my beloved green phone, i begin to cry Italian tears...
The Pope: i'm not religious but you gotta admit, getting dunked and baptized in the River Jordan as a tourist is pretty cool...
Rick Steves: look, the most important thing you could ever do when you're traveling abroad in the world is tuck my money belt inside your pants. you will NEVER get mugged...
Notre Dame: we're moving to Ireland and replacing the University of Dublin.........well and truly...
me: there's nothing worse than it's 8AM and you feel so exhausted you want to sleep overnight...
me: this is what i want to do with my life, scrape hardened egg pieces off my bowl...
Ferrari's harvesting lights: only blinking during the Halloween Race...
F1 car radio: Max Verstappen, are you.........Jesus?...
Max Verstappen: i mean.........i don't think so.........no...
chimney sweep: i like Jamie more than Flo. sorry. i'm not a chimney sweep, i'm not a fluffer, i'm the fuzzy-boom-mic man...
me: relaxed but awake, that's the perfect state to be in...
Codrus: don't get it twisted, people don't become monks for saintly reasons, they have bad home lives they're trying to escape.
Cotard: all the more reason to love them, brother.
Leslie Sbrocco: you want a simplified stuffed Thanksgiving? ask Morgan Bolling over to your Thanksgiving plate, nah mean?
Morgan Bolling: I'm a BBQ grilling expert.
Leslie Sbrocco: BBQ turkey, is that really a thing?
Mary Lou Retton: i am fascinated with water. i'm interested in Culligan water. reading about water. makes sense, water is melting ice...
Bob Barker: i never used my carnival barker's voice.........in public. i mean why didn't I star in Dances with Wolves? i am actually Lakota!!! Kevin Costner's a baseball player...
Julie exits Dark Turkey with the rest of the line of ladies in black of the night. all the girls hold in their skull-pinkie-ringed hand an Icee cup filled to the brim in delicious angelwing-shaped pieces of dark-meat turkey.
Julie: this is perfect for us. this turkey is so MOIST and juicy. it's so savory and WATERY, you know? they cook meat the BEST here, only in the mall will you get meat that tastes like THIS, can't do this in your home broiler. they cook it in those magic bubbles. brings back the sights and sounds of Thanksgiving all year round, i love Thanksgiving, i love hanging out with my family, i have a good home life. yeah, dark turkey is where it's at, white turkey just doesn't cut it, you know? white turkey ain't the same, white turkey ain't IT.
Valerian: white meat doesn't have skin, i like the SKIN of dark meat...
Valerian hops around and tries the Zuka Juice.
Eye Luggage: how's it taste, babe? does it taste like cloud drugs or the Uzumaki swirl?
Valerian: salty...
Julie: could be your drink is fine but you have covid. the covid void, can't taste nor smell. or you taste and smell FUNNY.
Valerian: thanks for adding that extra anxiety into my chest, now i'm more scared of that than death.
Julie: you need your chest to be more filled out to be a proper goth...
Minter: hey what do you call two monks?
Codrus: i don't get it.
Cotard: you never do, brother. what? what is it? what's the joke?
Minter: two monks are LONELY.........hi, my name's Minter, i'll be making your tight twosome a trippingly fun trio from now on. see me as your court comic relief, your monk jester...
the iconic Sherman Oaks Galleria white elevator ascends ever so slowly up its glass chute to the top floor of 10 and the glass roof.........THEN SUDDENLY IT COMES CRASHING DOWN THE CHUTE AT A SPEED OF 100 MPH!!!
the TERRIBLE CRUNCH DREDGE of noise makes Laertus's ears DEAD AND DEAF.
Laertus: my ears don't work anymore!!! i can't hear a THING!!!.........you know it's funny, i had forgotten about my hearing problem until now, my earwax, until THIS moment.
Eye Luggage: worry not, babe, my mom'll fix ya. she's got the cure no one touches.
Julie Patzwald: hey did you guys see that? no fatalities, no injured, no spilled drink cups, the day and everyone was saved, Superman swooped down at the last minute and picked up the speeding-down elevator, no glass shattered. it was a sonic boom. that was wild, man, that was wild. it happened in a split second, like a flash in the chute. like a speeding goth bullet. so nobody else saw this?...
nobody else saw this.
everyone just goes back to milling around the food court...
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