Mary: will you help me?
Laney: i will, Mary.
Mary: and thank you for addressing me as Mary and not Mary Statue, i am a real flesh-and-blood stone statue.
Laney: of course, girly. i mean woman with agency. tell us what you want us to do.
Mary: go to the agency, track down my mother's scent.
Ryan Stiles's eyes roll lasciviously.
Laney: no, horndog, she means like put on our dog-eared Sherlock Holmes hats and ask around.
Gerry: i'll go to my uncle Father Navin's house, he's obligated by law to help as he's a priest. he knows the area. i'll burn some ants alive with my Sherlock magnifying glass by his door, that always gets his attention.
Harrison: the world, not you, is a bitch.
Shia LaBeouf is admiring Father Navin's white-painted house from the vantage view of the lawn that cuts across the nurse's office.
Shia: you really have a lovely place here, man. i love being here, i usually hang out here to scope the school nurse's tits but today i'm scoping the scenery.
Father Navin: scope it, don't chew it, you hellhound.
Shia: i smell the freshly-hewn hedge, it smells like a block of day-old pot. i wanna run across this lawn withOUT a Slip n Slide. the pink marigolds, the tree waterfall, the wood pipe organ that doubles as a collection of vintage skis. the see-through boudoir silk curtain above the Crucifixion.
Navin: Jesus thinks that's hot, he told me.
Shia: THAT FUCKING AWESOME GIANT KING-CROWN LAMP ABOVE THE CHURCH!!!
Navin: the elongated cross taped to the bricks outside the nurse's office, you know you can take that cross off and use it as a letter-opener, i do this each Tuesday.
Cy-Kill from GoBots at the dentist's office inside Burger King: my teeth are yellow, i have plaque, i have a lot of tartar, i eat a lot of tartar sauce.
Zeemon: yeah i was the coolest-looking GoBot, i had the best design, i had a television set for a head, i was Videodrome incarnate, Videodrome in the flesh.
Debbie Harry: ...
at the den, all the Toys for Tots children are lined up around the GIANT big Thanksgiving table roundtable. Father Navin hovers over the orphan kids menacingly with all the power he has, his smile indicating he knows he's moving up rank soon.
Navin: i can smell myself in my mouth.
Shia: i smell it in the air. there's an air to you. okay kids, is everyone having a good Thanksgiving? WOW nobody likes dark meat anymore!!! it's fine, just slap some gravy on it.
Navin clinks the champagne cider glasses.
Navin: may i have your attention please. i know all you rugrats want to get back to the World Cup watching so i'll make this brief.
orphans: SOCCER RULES!!!
Shia: you only believe that now at your age, AYSO will soon get replaced by tackle NFL at age six.
Navin: i'd just like to thank Shia here for getting all this great Thanksgiving food. it's all from Happy Meals at the McDonald's down the street, right?
Shia: yes. don't swallow any of those plastic toys, kids, Thanksgiving toys are rare. i need the money. i got the very last Thanksgiving cake they had at Gelson's.
after dinner all the kids are sick from the meat and vomiting violently. Navin recedes to his retreat and slides closed the smoking-room door. Shia joins him under the rug. Navin puts two Cubans in his mouth, lights a cracker under their asses, and takes two puffs each from each of the two cigars. he takes one soaked cigar from his mouth to Shia's mouth.
Shia: we're swapping spit, homey. i know what priest saliva tastes like.
the TV set mounted with moose ears on either side starts to talk: ...
Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors: EarthShip. the Wheeled Warriors part was weird, it should have been called Jayce and the Fantasy Plants. or Lightning League.
Shia: Space Epic Lightning League. Magic & Science Combined. Arthurian Legends in the Outer Galaxy.
Jayce: that's not a Captain Planet ring on my finger, okay? i'm getting married. to Herc. Jayce is a good boy's name.
Gillian: how do you think i feel? i'm a wizard named after a woman. it's a hard G it's a hard G!!!
Flora: i'm on the wrong show, i should be on The Littles. i'm five years old and i have a driver's license.
Herc Stormsailor: i'm Han Solo with a braided ponytail, that's bold for a man.
Fujiko: oh Herc, I am the greatest treasure in the galaxy, not that gold, that gold is lead it's not even gold DUST!!!
Father Navin: that was an interesting cartoon concept, the plant that would end world hunger. the botanists and scientists need to get on that stat, do it in real life. it's vital and necessary. i wish i had that plant when i priested in Africa.
Father Navin: i'm doing Mass on a digital altar this month for Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is the time to honor the dead, honor the dead loved ones in your lives.
Shia: i have a digital alter ego.
Navin: and i have an altar ego.
Boc: my Halloween morning walk was perfect. it was dead, it was dead out there, NOBODY around. i know somebody's watching me. hey Bagel Bakery, not good to leave that stone out there by your door as a doorstop, your windows are too spiritual to get shattered.
Shia: yeah, turn that stone over, flip it around, spit on it shine it up, and place it back by the door as the doorstop.
Bagel Bakery: the O on our sign is a fox's tail, we are eagerly anticipating the final season of Black Clover...
Tatiana: morning yoga? IT'S TOO EARLY!!!
Boc: OH LOOK, my first little old lady walking in the morning on the other side of the street carrying a bag two sizes bigger than her full of bus tickets.
terrain modification: the cool hippie thing, not the stupid Army thing
Marc and Sarah King: you see that sign over there?
Navin: the one on the lawn? it says KEEP OFF THE GRASS, ORPHANS.
Shia: the one that says LOVE IS A GOD THING.
Navin: it actually says LOVE IS A GOOD THING.
Shia: LOVE IS A GOD THING woulda been cooler.
Marc and Sarah King: that banner up there above the St. Cyril's double doors, that's Marshall Applewhite, we did not DO what he said, what Do said. he was not a vampire but it all stemmed from the death of his father, you can't cure depression with aliens.
Kanye: Nike instead of Skechers?
Marc and Sarah King: we listen to Eminem.
Laertus's dad: it was surreal for me cos that mass suicide took place during my birthday week that year. i was both excited and terrified.
Marc and Sarah King: the Garden of Eden fruit was a white pear...
Dirg: Natalie Biden is hot.
Chinese Camp, California: REALLY UNFORTUNATE name for a ghost town...
Tatiana: the calico scrubs over there are nice.
Ian Curtis in the choir circle with Laney and the other 3: is this the band auditions? for the church band? you've never seen anything like my guitar before or since.........my hexagon guitar.
Laney: YOU'RE IN THE BAND, MR. CURTIS!!! watch out for our wet spot, yeah that first step on the marble linoleum one-stair is a doozy.
Laertus's dad in the church drumkit: see, i think of faith more like the lyrics of New Order's song "True Faith", the uneasiness of faith, the true doubt of faith.
Tatiana: don't worry about the neon purple glow light emanating from under your massage table, it's not a Halloween thing, it's a year-round thing.
Tiffany Helm: but I had the perfect name to play the Chief Engineer before Geordi La Forge, not my mom whose last name scares me.
Navin: there's still turkey left!!! i arranged all the soggy cutlets to be desirable to all, like Marilyn Monroe's leg. all these bumpy spotted-skin turkey legs are like Marilyn Monroe's succulent juicy dead leg from Blonde.
more Thanksgiving guests pile into the dining hall.
Navin: lick, one and all!!! lick up lick up, lick the turkey leg before you eat, it, lick it down to the bone, taste Marilyn.
Neil Patrick Harris at his Halloween party: ...
Eragon in the last episode of Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors: i'm a hero.........in the end.........like Dr. Hedo from Dragon Ball Super: Super Hero.
Corey Haim in the church parking lot: remember, there is no finding love without the ability to drive a car.
Blackstar: not the seminal hip-hop duo. not the character from Soul Eater. the villain is very Ralph Bakshi.
Ralph Bakshi: and the villain's airship is a big flying staple-remover.
Tolkien: Trobbits? really?
lightning sword: let me give you a reading light, you gotta admit that was a good line.
Boc: there is nothing more spiritual than the orange warm glow of the grocery store at 7AM on a cloudy Autumn morning...
coucou: it doesn't mean you're crazy, it means hello.
Matthew Perry: i used to go to open houses to steal people's prescription pills from their medicine cabinets.........i was PERFECT to play Ian Curtis in Control (2007).
Devotion: Top Gun but serious.
Boc: PERFECT HALLOWEEN MORNING, the orange glow of the window from the house across the street, the rolling overcast fog, the crows cawing in the parking lot. the jellied cross on the ground. the grocery gilf with her cat ears on. Halloween Morning is scarier than Halloween Night. i walk every morning to mark my territory, I own this town. i'm a drifter.........who lives a block away.
Thich Nhat Hanh in the last church pew: i run Solo...
Gladyce: life hack: cut the strip of thick bacon in two before cooking it with two plates...
Mariska Hargitay in the church foyer: me as Frida Kahlo, with the goddess sunrays, that wasn't a Halloween costume, that was my perfect audition.
Boc: see that's why you never morning-walk with a Starbucks coffee and Starbucks donutholes in your hands, in case a French street bum accosts you...
Boc: okay i did not expect THAT as i'm pulling in back to the Treehouse after my morning walk: a cute Fooly Cooly yellow scooter pulls out of the garage of my next-door neighbor's, misses the curb and driveway, and almost blends colors by almost crashing into the school shortbus...
urgent deadly parcel: DO NOT OPEN THIS PACKAGE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES UPON PAIN OF PERJURY AND PENALTY OF DEATH.........it's just another shopping catalog from Sears...
Pothic: Mardith's band in 8th Grade
Apothic: the wine
Boc: OH LOOK, my first jogger!!! in an Elliott from E.T. hoodie!!!.........if it was grey...
Boc: it's pleasant if you want it to be, the morning walk. what would happen if i tumbled down these stairs and landed in a hard thud? there's nobody around to help me up...
Eye Luggage: Dragon Ball Super: Super Hero and go.
Fred Flintstone: how does a cartoon make $100 million dollars? i don't understand money.
Takahashi: we gotta talk about the animation, the 3DCGI got negative reviews. looked too much like a video game, which it is, this movie is used to sell video games, the video game looking EXACTLY like this movie which is weird. was this a movie or a series of video-game cutscenes?
Lupin III: shoulda come to MY animation studio house.........Miyazaki works there.
Cheelai: OH GREAT. i'm ANOTHER new character that's gonna get prematurely masturbated to...
Carmine: i'm only doing this for 100 cans of hairspray to slick back my hair. i wanna get into theatre. a comb is not a comb unless it's been dipped in toxic blue liquid. i wanna resurrect James Gandolfini with Mary Statue's help. yous is a stupid word. John Travolta is really an alive snowman. i just want Joey and Matthew Perry to be friends. wait isn't Magenta the color of peace?
Navin: yeah, purple is a pope's color, a priest's color, a MONSIGNOR's color.
The Pope: a priest's collar...
Magenta smoking a Cuban: i just want to resurrect the Red Ribbon Army so i can make my father proud.........i never joined the Army cos i had a math test that day.
Dr. Hedo: call me an Oreo i don't care i'm not hurt by that, that doesn't affect me. i like Oreo cookies so what?
Dr. Hedo: so i'm like a short man with a boy's face who looks 8 but is 50? i look like a cute robot but i'm a chubby man. i coulda been the first fat android.
Gamma 1: look at our design!!! we're too cool to die!!!
Gamma 2: wait, do YOU or ME sacrifice themselves and die a hero?
Gamma 1: way to use your pronouns, man!!! i respect that.
Gammas' grandma: the real hero is me, the Gammas' gamma.
Lemo: i hate lemon. champagne is my favorite flavor.
Cell Max: dude, this sucks for me, i have NO LINES, NO DIALOGUE!! i'm just a hulking shell of a dumb beast who growls and snarls and is the embodiment of impotent rage. i shouldn't be allowed to vote. the original Cell was WAY cooler than this!!!
Cell: i know, i spoke the Queen's English, i had philosophy in my soul, i spouted Shakespeare as i swallowed everyone and every car in town.
Fat Gotenks: does my standable action figure come with the butt? my butt in this is sexier than Bulma's butt.
Goku: it's weird but this movie isn't about me at all. i'm in a standalone side story. this is a Piccolo movie, the first-ever Piccolo movie.
Magenta: we're here to break you out, kid.
Dr. Hedo: i'm not a kid, i'm an adult who likes cookies.
Magenta: what were you in prison for?
Hedo: eating just the two black wafers of the Oreo not the cream.
Magenta: Capsule Corps and its CEO Bulma and the Z Fighters are EVIL, they are THE ENEMY, WE ARE THE HEROES.
Hedo: makes sense, i've been scared of beautiful women my whole life. there are a billion TVs in this place circling this circular couch, all of them are tuned to Fox News. wait so aliens are real?
Fox Mulder: do i look like an alien to you?
Piccolo: you want me to train you HARD unlike your father?
Pan: the GTH on my T-shirt stands for Dragon Ball GT-Hard. my dad's working on his university thesis on how not to get kidnapped.
Videl: hi Piccolo, can you pick Pan up from pre-K?
Piccolo: that's not a thing in this country, you didn't vote for it in time, the proposition was quashed by Mayor Scott "Mr. Satan" Baio.
Beerus: she can stay, she's CUTE.
Cheelai: look buddy, i have a BUTT, okay? see my butt? it's just a normal everyday woman's butt, it's not like Bulma's butt or anything.
Beerus: we gods don't have butts, we gods find butts fascinating...
Whis: you destroyed your butt, my Lord, by drinking all those sugary sodas.
Shenron: hi who's there. hi. i'm alive again, i'm in space. the space of Earth, the sky.........hi Piccolo, can we talk sometime? i have seasonal depression from begin cooped up in that tiny crystal ball. i'm really hoping the T-shirt-gun business launches and gets off the ground so i can leave this backward town. i want to go fly-fishing with my grandpa. i get lonely sometimes, i need a friend, you know? people give me allergies. i want to travel.
Greykid: i wish i was Korin...
Greykid: i got some training to do...
Android 17: phew, this is the first movie where i'm NOT the sex object!!! i'm NOT the hot girl!!! i'm just a mom who beautifully dotes on her kids while wearing sweaters and baggy jogging pants.
Krillin: i'm a cop but it's okay, i'm the fun-loving 1980s policeman who only eats donuts.
Beerus: i want Cookie Puss.
Cheelai: disgusting, sir. disturbing. i have a boyfriend.
Beerus: no it's an ice cream thing!!!
Laertus: when the henchman FREAKS OUT seeing Gohan Super-Saiyan for the first time, HILARIOUS!!!
teacher: Pan, don't go home with strangers. do you know this person?
Pan: i can read the room.
teacher: but we're outside. my hair isn't an Afro, it's just poofy.
Bulma: can i use the Dragon Balls to wish on them to make my butt bigger? curvier? rounder? like a college girl's butt?
Eye: i give Bulma credit for saying college girl instead of YOUNG girl, she's using her brains, too.
animators: oh no, NO NO NO, we're not doing the Bulma Butt thing!!! now we have to draw Bulma with THIS butt EVERYTIME FROM NOW ON?!!! for the next 60 YEARS?!!! hell no.
Miyazaki: think of the sales from standable action figures of Bulma with her new butt tho.
Piccolo: i am not Orange Piccolo. i am not orange. my skin is not orange, my skin is still green, i just inhaled WAY too much Cheeto dust at a bender. Cheeto dust is safer than cocaine and safer than Senzu beans which aren't federally regulated.
Cheelai: i know about Cheetos at frat parties!!!
Gammas: this moral relativism is defragging our programming!!! you can't steal a kid, that's not right...
Magenta: imma activate Cell Max prematurely.
Hedo: don't do it!!! i know all about prematurely!!! look at my big head, i got this head-size from masturbating. the head with my face on it, the misshapen one.
Magenta: damn, you got me with your mosquito!!! i'm allergic.
Hedo: to mosquito bites?
Magenta: no, to metal. to the metal in vaccines.
Laertus: HILARIOUS. Piccolo is all with Fat Gotenks: "this is the first time a FAILED FUSION was useful anywhere in Dragon Ball media!!!" HILARIOUS.
Gamma 2: i will sacrifice myself. it is a far far better thing that i do...
Gamma 1: wait, this is weird, shouldn't Gamma 1 be the sacrificer? he's the 1, you know? the leader.
Gohan: Beastmaster, watch it. the original movie, not the Brophy TV show...
Piccolo: no one is ALL villain or ALL hero. you're a human, you're morally gray like your skin.
Hedo: i never meant to hurt anybody. i'm never watching news again. hey wait a minute, what if.........two white cookies and a chocolate center!!!
Madame Pons: that's the perfect bath bomb!!!
Bulma: the Perfect Cell bath bomb!!!
Vegeta: I FINALLY WON!!! i beat Kakarot. our spar is over, our spar is afar and in space now. i only ever wanted to touch Goku's shoulder, to brush up against Goku's shoulder in a flirty prom way.
Cheelai: men are stupid!!! coming over here just now i had to fend off getting accosted by William Shatner!!!
Beerus: hey girly, do you have a 3rd green boob where your bellybutton should be? asking for a friend, asking for Whis.
Whis: oh no, i missed Bulma's message on this here device. sorry about that, i need to delete and reinstall the app again. 36-25-36, what is this? are these numbers your measurements, Bulma?
Bulma: those are the measurements OF MY BUTT.
Whis: g'night folks. g'night my human people, g'night my precious beautiful little lesser life forms.
Navin: come in, Mary, what can i do you for?
Mary: you know my mother, right?
Navin: yes, she's my favorite dancer at the strip club, i frequent that place every night after Mass, Holy Rollers over on 11th.
the gang and Navin walk over to the strip club by streetlight.
Navin: here let me show you the secret entrance to this place, the back where you won't have to cross over police tape. i'll let you guys slip in with my secret password that allows you not to buy any drinks: PRIEST PUSSY.
Lili St. Cyr is up on stage naked, barefoot, wearing only a purple boa. she dances over to the stage edge, does a flip, and corrals Father Navin in a backward hug.
Ryan Stiles: whoa she's got your neck in a spider headlock!!!
Lili smiling jaggedly with smeared lipstick: hey baby.
Navin: hi there. i'm a regular all the girls know me.
Lili: oh no, honey, you're MINE. oh my god, is that.........my daughter?
Mary gets up on stage, strips off her robe, and cry-hugs Lili solemnly for 50 minutes.
Mary: i missed you, mother. i love you, mom.
Lili: you don't know how long i've waited for you to return. my whole life. my pussy is prodigal. well turn around, girly, and let mama take a good look at you!!! you've grown!!! you got a nice body!!!
Mary: the saints are naked so i will be naked now too.
Lili: i finally have progeny, someone to pass down the Ways, a descendant daughter, first in line to do a line, pipeline to pussy progress, to a more progressive pussy, someone to share the Art of Burlesque with. i'm not alone in my suffering anymore.
Lili kisses Mary on the mouth for a little too long.
Navin wipes a tear from his eye. then he wipes a tear from his thumb.
Father Navin: that is beautiful. i'm gonna talk to the strippers more, get to know them more. find out about their personal lives.