Friday, November 25, 2022




* got the turkey shits? eat more spaghetti...

* Bakewell: keep your muff pie warm, the feeling of bliss is a Peppermint Frosty.

* Christian Pulisic: of course i play for an English soccer squad, my middle name is Mate. yeah Tuesday is gonna be rough, it's gonna be TENSE, we HAVE TO WIN against Iran and the stands are gonna be filled with Mahsa Amini protestors who will clash with the Iraqi government watchers in the stands, the whole air in that entire stadium is gonna be uneasy and jittery the whole match, i just hope there isn't an international incident on the field.

* Denny's: we serve a lot of broccoli. but there's never any soy sauce out on the table in the pancake-syrup tray, there's ketchup and Cholula Hot Sauce but no soy sauce.

* tattooed-six-pack dude from the Carly Rae Jepsen "Call Me Maybe" music video: i didn't receive ONE ROYALTY from doing that video. not one check. they wanted me to kiss a guy for $500. there's a lot of things i would do for $500 but that ain't one of them. looking back, maybe if i HAD kissed that dude on the lips, a big wet no-homo kiss just for the cameras, i'd be trust-fund-baby-rich now, i wouldn't have to get a job mowing lawns anymore, nobody at the time had any idea that damn song would get THAT BIG. it's like buying stock in Disney in 1900 when it was just a churro stand.

* Cotard: we will serve the cause of the Ukrainian people in the war in any way we can. ain't that right, brother?
Codrus: what. oh yeah sure whatever i couldn't care less who wins the war, i take no sides i just collect the check at the end of it.
Cotard: our monastery in Ukraine will be used as a secret base for the Ukrainian soldiers, we won't give away the hiding places in there to the Russians, the book-tilt stairwells behind the bookshelves. as contemplative monks we've thought LONG about what is morally right in this world.
Codrus: long and HARD. mostly hard.

* Amazon Romeo & Juliet
Romeo: Jiggle Jiggle.
Juliet: how can you see my tits under this tight-as-fuck corset?
Romeo: no the name of the party song. you just need a WiFi microphone.
Juliet: wherefore wifi? microphone, what's that? girls in this era use spoons and forks.

* Kay Jewelers: you go girl. now ma'am, you're a hot milf or gilf of age 50 we presume.........i mean honestly that boyfriend of yours is young enough to be your son...

* Apple Airpods: the message here isn't to dance your bliss and step to the rhythm of your heart, it's that everything in this city is made of asbestos.

* NFL My Cause
me: my mom had to do an oral book report on sickle-cell anemia. in front of the nurse board. i've never seen my mom like that before, it was eye-opening. she was like some stressed-out junior-high student studying without sleeping, cramming for the big trig test tomorrow. 

* son in sweater in the Coca Cola commercial: touching, this commercial was touching. but Coke, you claim to be Magic, right? so bring my dead mother back, Coke...

* Donald Faison's wife: is that that idiot Zach Braff again at the door?
Donald Faison: not so loud, ma, he's standing right here!!!
Zach Braff: that's okay, your woman loves me. i date around. anywho, can we go without the formality of the cue cards? i just want to know whether you like eggnog lukewarm or hot?
Donald: um, isn't it supposed to be cold?
Zach: T-Mobile makes eggnog now.

* me: OH COOL!!! that Crown Royal commercial everyone's seen a billion times, you know the one, with Anthony Ramos and the Brooklyn brownstone stoops, but you see i've never seen the full 1-minute version before!!! this is a REVELATION, the mom who plays Anthony's mom is his REAL MOM!!! to my mom, the greatest woman in the world, a toast with cheap liquor and one ice cube from a bottle ensconced in a crushed-velvet deep-pimp-purple pouch with gold cinch string. when you have friends like these, you are a rich man, you don't need to have a trust fund and keep checking on checks. that's that hot Latina nurse from E.R.. omg Anthony Ramos has a crush on Sonia Manzano from Sesame Street!!! this makes perfect sense given the location. DON'T WE ALL HAVE A CRUSH ON MARIA!!!

* Chevrolet Mrs. Hayes spot: okay this was touching, but i was thinking the boy would grow up to be her adult son, her non-blood son she adopted when he was a teenager.
old woman now: i appreciate the ice-blue coat of paint you gave my car through the years, Chevrolet. but really i just want my husband back. my husband died being forced to fight in an illegal war, where is my divine recompense for that?

* FedEx winter play: doesn't this give you that warm feeling again? when everyone in your 3rd Grade Class tried out for the school play. back then everyone in your class had dreams of being on Broadway someday, everyone in your class could act and sing, it was all easy. no art critics from the New York Post, all you had to do was entertain your drunk parents in the audience in the dark for 20 minutes before everyone went outside in the freezing cold to Christmas-carol around the neighborhood in an ice-blue Chevy at night. and the apple cider was cold.

* Toyota Sequoia campfire story: remember the Hendersons? no this isn't a Bigfoot story, a fish story, this is real. they used this all-wheel-drive 4x4 truck with the silver horse carriage to capture and hogtie Mick Jagger back to England when he got lost alone naked and afraid in the woods...

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: as ever the question is: is ANYTHING worth driving down to Salinas for? to Little Caesars for Detroit-style pizza. i've never had Detroit-style before, the square slices with the corner caramelized crust that is NOT Chicago-style. the answer is.........NO, NOTHING is worth going to Salinas to get the thing, even pizza. 

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