me: why do i have to go to high school? why does everyone have to endure the nightmare that is high school? it's not fair. i don't want to go to school anymore. i don't want to go to a private religious high school. institutions are institutions. looking back, if i ever have a kid which is doubtful, i won't make the same mistake, i won't subject him to uniforms, i'll send him to PUBLIC SCHOOL. when i went to Berkeley i was SHOCKED to discover that the boys who went to public high school FREE and had a real co-ed girlfriend and a real prom WERE SMARTER than me!!! school isn't just about books, it's about association. mingle-break during math. thousands of dollars down the drain!!! i know it's in Encino but it's not the same as St. Cyril's of Jerusalem, THIS SHIT IS FUCKING SCARY!!! the boys here have MUSCLES and work out in filthy locker rooms that smell like their penis flaps and the skin under their penises. this is foreign to me, i've never lifted a dumbbell in my life. the closest i've come to wearing a jock strap is when i had to pee in one because i drank from a jock-strap-shaped water fountain.
i am so PETRIFIED i call Lucio Rossi, my best friend in the entire universe from nostalgic grade-school St. Cyril's, on the green-tea curly-cord phone:
me: Lucio, this shit sucks. why does it have to be like this? why must we move on? we were kickin' it and having a gay old time in 8th Grade!!! do you know Crespi?
Lucio: not really. i heard Crespi High has a lot of Catholic gangs and men masquerading as priests to get close to high-school boys like all girls want to do. and a lot of pills, TONS OF PILLS everywhere. i dunno, i'm going to Notre Dame where i'll develop normally cos it's co-ed. i'll have a girlfriend and a prom and tho i will have to take home-ec and metal-shop, i'll graduate with honors. you'll end up a misaligned spazz.
me: tell me about it, no natural for me, nothing natural about me. no first girlfriend for me. why does it have to be this way? why must we be separated? you were supposed to be the best man at my wedding, now i don't know if i'll even GET married!!!
Lucio: chin up, like my Italian chin, you can call me anytime, we'll keep in touch through the barrage of meltdowns and milestones and painful life skills these next four years will teach us. maybe it won't be that bad, i heard they got cool lockers. hang with the Bartolomeo Twins but avoid Naraja. i heard the bald uncle of Screech from Saved by the Bell teaches Spanish at Crespi!!! that's something, right?
Lucio: remember this above all: why go to high school? to get high.
but i never contacted Lucio again. i was too embarrassed. i was too down. i never summoned the hand-strength energy to pick up a phone receiver ever again. we just sorta.........drifted.
Lane Smith at the student newspaper printing press: Garden & Gun? what kinda cockamamie title for a Southern magazine is THAT?!!! why put THOSE TWO THINGS TOGETHER, it's asinine!!!
Harlan Ellison: ...
Virgin Mary statue: ...
Codrus at the entrance to the high school: to enter you have to insert a caramel candy cube into your anus. this is what happens when you have all boys in one place for four years.........nah just kiddin', the caramel is the color of the robes of the monks who teach here, right? or the warm apples Joe Pera is forced to eat now to pay the bills cos his show got canceled.
Joe Pera in a red plaid coat: i'm a professional eater now. i can eat one apple a day. that's healthy.
cancer commercial: see? you don't see the couple as a white man and a black woman, all you see is a short woman and a tall man...
Laertus in the student parking lot: more students than rodents. at least for now. i have a Volvo Inscription, it's perfect cos i'm a writer, too bad i can't drive it cos i recently acquired car nerves. so it's my mom's replacement car...
Laertus's mom: you've never been a conscript in your life!!! you run away when causes come to your door. you'd NEVER join the army!!!
Tatiana and Mardith are shopping at Gelson's across the street from the school with a little tiny cute black shopping cart.
Tatiana: the boys at Crespi suck, right?
Tatiana: okay nevermind. anyway why are we here?
Mardith: to get that Yogi Tea. what a time to be alive!!! drugs are over the counter now, you can get drugs delivered to your cul-de-sac in the dead of night from the Walmart website!!!
i'm in the stands of the first Homecoming football game with Avo Babian in the high way-up rafters above the Baywatch tower.
me: i hate football. i hate homecoming. i hate being here.
Avo Babian: i know, it sucks. but we can go through the suck times of high school together. we have to or both of us won't survive. it's gonna be a LONG four years...
me: Lucio, Avo, this is not lost on me.
me: nothing. you were saying?
Avo: well basketball IS pretty cool. i'm kinda good at it. i envy those college basketball players, around Thanksgiving they're not forced to eat meat with weird distant relatives, they get an all-expenses-paid trip to fucking Hawaii and play ball at the Maui Invitational!!! it's so cool over there the time zones are so mixed up you have no idea what time it is over there in Hawaii, you're just living in this eternal timeless paradise!!!
me: the only fan i will be waving is the soundwave-symbol on my stupid HP laptop that indicates my Wi-Fi hot spot isn't already dead.
Mexican soccer team at the World Cup: we started the wave in the stands, the audience wave.
Avo: get an Ethernet cable, dude, a yellow one. i know a guy. a guy named Ethan. plug it into Monsignor Navin's ear.
in the Crespi den. there's one box computer with a ridged AOL modem in this den library.
Shia LaBeouf: you run this school?
Monsignor Navin: yeah, i run the gangs. but i'm taking a break to watch old cartoons. i need to relax, let's do this.
Shia: right. how about that last Oedo 808?
Navin: one episode for each of the three characters, nice. i felt sorry for that poor vampire girl, she just wanted to die after 1000 years. and why does everyone want to be Immortal? it's better to be immoral, have fun with your life. don't they know that Immortality is just another form of Hell? who the hell wants to live forever?!!! especially on doomed Planet Earth!!! death is a release, a rapture, a necessary ingredient, a way to finally let go, getting rid of all that psychic plaque buildup in your troubled mind.
Shia: easy for you to say, you know where you're going when you die, i'm a wreck, i don't believe in anything.
Navin: everyone wants to die, everyone wants to die to get out of the situation they're in. that poor robot didn't know what fuck off meant cos he was a robot incapable of love, that was HILARIOUS.........and i mean quite sad too, like i don't know if that robot could be baptized or anything to get into Heaven when it died. do robots experience love after death?
Shia: okay how about the other two A.D. Police Files episodes?
Navin: i watched them whilst chewing bubblegum.
Shia: where's Leon? the early years, Leon as a boy. not the creep with Natalie Portman, i was in a movie with Natalie Portman...
Navin: "The Man Who Bites His Tongue", that's a FANTASTIC TITLE, it's better than any James Bond title. this episode is what RoboCop would have been if Hollywood had the balls to go all the way with its sci-fi, really GO FOR IT in all its gruesome detail and accuracy and thrust, have the STEEL BALLS for it. poor Billy Fanword, imagine that you're a complete robot with moving parts and the ONLY part of you that is human is your TONGUE!!! so in order to die you have to get shot in the fucking tongue!!! i mean, shit. next time i see a tongue stretch out before my fingers gripping a Communion wafer, imma shriek like a church mouse.
Martin Lawrence: Gina saves the day again...
Shia: do you have a grower or a shower? tongue i mean. when my tongue gets shot it bleeds.
Navin: the first episode, i mean it's like how do we prevent this from happening again?
Shia: you gotta make the Voomers less hot, don't make them beautiful blonde tall slender woman prostitutes and waitresses, make them look more like RoboCop so no one will get sexually excited.
Mary Elizabeth McGlynn: fuck you man, The Major is hot for a reason!!! it helps with her police work!!!
cruise-line commercial: yeah we had to trick the viewer and it turns out the two eye-flirting singles were really a long-married couple in the end trying to rekindle their honeymoon days because of course you can't actually meet someone on a cruise anymore...
Nickelodeon logo: no, it's an orange foot like The Foot the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' enemy, not Monty Python!!!
the crones are in the library upstairs took the spiral stairs to the second floor putting blue and red dots on the spines of all the books, covering them in turkey tinfoil cos they're all out of plastic wrap.
Gladyce: yeah i guess i'm the one who looks like a grandma, Gladyce sounds like Grandma.
Doryce: don't worry your tight wrinkled skin, dear, i mean Doryce is basically Doris...
you and me: you had me...
you and me: you age me...
RuPaul: Goku? Gohan? i don't know those fools. i am a House Mother in Ball Culture...
Editor Lane Smith: who's my new bright-eyed bushy-tailed eager cub reporter?
Vivziepop: i'm Vivziepop, i'm taking over the comics section of this newspaper...
panic station: the last stop on the train.
Victoria Milan on the bus: hi, i'm Victoria Milan. i'm on the schoolbus, this is inner-city L.A. after all. i'm Ms. Scarlet from Clue, i'm really Carmen Sandiego. i do this Victoria Milan thing on the side for some extra cash, no judgment, no moral judgment, just to make some side dime, cos i'm a side dime, some secret side money...
Judd Nelson on the football field: i was the one white guy in every black movie in the '90s...
Fallbrook, CA: where Vault Boy lives, fall back.
Madame Pons: the dermstore is not for skin, it's for your term paper, better do it or you'll have bad skin from nervous itching.
third eye contact in the filthy bathroom: the etheric body's umbilical silver cord, E.T....
Tanigami orange sports car: this is too rad to drive, even Takahashi is coming down with the driving nerves.
indica under the bleachers: indicates good pot, a good cockroach who won't get stomped on.
the podcast crew are Juniors but still have to wait for their parents to pick them up so they do the podcast outside:
Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Laertus: Dirg, come on man, don't you feel a LITTLE BIT GUILTY for how you talked about the Green Power Ranger last week?
Dirg: i mean.........okay yeah i do, there are pangs in me, even I AM SORRY about that. R.I.P. Tommy Oliver Jason David Frank. a good Christian man. this is the only time i'll ever say this: Rest In Power, Rest In Power Rangers.
Eye: Aqua Teen Forever: Plantasm and go.
Dave Willis: i wanted to call it The Movie That Was Never Made.
me: like my high-school years.
me: okay this was WEIRD for me, Frylock assumes another identity and calls himself Phoenix. everyone makes fun of Phoenix, so for the entire movie i thought the movie was TALKING BACK to me, making fun of me directly through the screen, everytime i heard the name Phoenix, i heard MY name. it was like the writers had come upon MY profile on the internet and used MY life story to skewer for this movie. i'm shaking just thinking about it.
Laertus's dad: same. i feel the same way you do, me, i feel the same feels and fear the same fears.
MC McPeepants: the end song, right? the closing song's got BEATS, it made me bob my head. now it's not as good as that iconic opening song, but.........it's different.
the Mooninites: WE RUINED THIS MOVIE. sorry but we did. we just did. WAY TOO MANY interruptions from us.
Dirg: i want to drive Carl's WICKED broken-down sports car so bad cos it's wicked but I too am developing car nerves...
Carl: speaking of Carl, i'm NICE in this movie. i drive a Ferrari or Lambo. i have a bottle of splurty lotion on my nightstand. i've always loved Meatwad and Frylock whom i call Fryman not Fried Bankman, it's only Shake i despise but everyone despises Master Shake.
Shake: you're just jealous cos i have the best voice in the cast.
Carl: i mean they really showed it, you know? they animated me jacking my penis off, you see my penis under my blue New York Football Giants blanket at night when i'm in my bed going up and down in a very realistic hand motion, that was fascinating animation to watch.
Dave Willis: you like the crystal-clear superbly sharp animation in this? it looks weird, right? what was more interesting than this movie was HOW this movie got made. the fact that for many years it NEVER got made, it was a permanent rumor on the messageboards. but then Adult Swim got rid of their Messageboards so we had to make the movie. i got filthy T-shirts more expensive than this movie. i sell DVD physical copies of this movie out of the back of my car because i have to keep my car parked here cos i have to get to the opera, i sing at the Carmel Bach Festival.
Shawn Kemp: look at my old-man face, it's still younger than LeBron's face...
Kurt Cobain: remember when Seattle had basketball? real basketball in Seattle, it was exciting, it was thrilling, it was suburban and substantial, it made me want to live.
Frylock: i had the cure for cancer on that computer, dumb Shake!!!
Shake: don't blame me, your computer is an HP laptop with those day-long updates which after you install them read that you haven't installed them yet and it asks for a time to install them for one whole day cos your device is out-of-date...
Meatwad at the animal shelter: please, girly, please let me sleep here. i won't sleep with you, imma gentleman, a gentleman meat. but you are cute, you got some nice big breasts under that green shirt.
animal-shelter girl: my tits are the same size as YOU. except i got two meatballs.
Neil: i treat my workers shabbily cos i'm overcompensating for being short. but this ponytail is a different story, ponytails on men are cool. did you know cavemen used to wear ponytails? that explains a lot about the evolution of men. the cavewomen had bald heads because they were not allowed to wear their hair long...
Neil: everything in life ends up being a commentary on slavery...
Neil: dolly. like the computer camera, not the llama.
Dalai Lama: i need to take Twitter back and become its CEO...
Elmer: we could glue longer legs on Neil...
Frylock: DNA gene splicing is better, what could go wrong?
Frylock: this needs to be stated: i am weird. like i look like i'm this giant red french-fry holder but i'm really RoboCop underneath, i'm a carboard box but i'm all metallic and steel-android on the inside, and i got a freaky blue crystal in the back that powers me from the sun. plus my freaky tingling adult steel braces. i dunno, i should have had a french-fry vending machine in my back instead.
Frylock: thanks for the new metal shell. my reconvalescence...
Neil: your what? i went to community college, dropped out as a Junior.
Frylock: bro DO NOT SHOOT THE ALBINO WHITE WINTER SIBERIAN TIGER. that's it. thank you, just cut out that scene.
Greykid: thank you, Frylock
Neil: what? the Amazin packaging are boxes of seed, seed is natural, right? seed is normal.
E.T.: you should have had the plants acquire human intelligence to be more like me, created with EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE, not more Little Shop of Horrors plants which are useless garbage disposals. my real name is Seymour Butts.
Used Babywipe Mountain: this is what happens when there's no tree line anymore. take stock of this, Amazin. and Amazon.........Rain Forest.
Llama Dolly: hello my dahlin hello my dolly hello my ragtime gal. push me into the Moon into the Sun so we block the sunlight for the plant humans. and while you're at it push the Moon into the Sun before Elon Musk can strip the Moon of resources.
Frylock, Shake, Meatwad: we're food? oh yeah we're fast food, midway through our show's many seasons the writers kinda forgot about the food aspect and just made us regular characters. great, more vampires, all stories end up vampire stories...
Markula: i'm a cooler vampire than Edward Snowden i mean Edward that white boy vampire bishonen. mmm, quite the tasty snack that Edward. i'm culling Cullen. my voice is urban and cool, i'm the Billy Dee Williams of vampires.
Dirg: DUDE NOT COOL WITH THE FAST-FORWARDING!!!
Laertus: i know, right? i really wanted to see those scenes they gloss over, the Rambo montage, the fight scenes, the talks on the balcony...
Meatwad: the sex with the animal lady...
overhead projector: g'night folks. hey the velcro of your purple Trapper Keeper is stuck to the rug...
at the Crespi nurse's office Gladyce is being carried over the threshold by Doryce who in turn is being carried over the threshold trellis by Mardith.
Mardith: *plopping them down* there you go two old bints on the table.
Tatiana: hi i'm the nurse here instead. roll over and let me gaze a gander at your bottoms. for warts and all. this is a massage table.
crones: but we're witches, dear.
Tatiana: nevermind. this is the largest concentration of women in one room at this school EVER. what seems to be the trouble?
Gladyce: the problem is me. my feet hurt and itch and are rashy at the top ridge of the foot. and red ridges at the side of my feet. i've started cutting holes in the toes of my socks to walk on but i can't walk ON.
Tatiana: i've got the solution!!! no solution necessary!!! no medicated solution liquid. slouch socks!!!
Gladyce clasping and hugging her arms like Olive Oyl: oh dear Tat wonderful!!!
Tatiana: yeah, you'll be rocking socks like Kagome back in the day in no time!!! the '80s or '90s, right? but here's the kicker, do it like the World Cup players, cut two holes in the back of your socks with scissors so you won't get an ankle injury if you fall on it.
Doryce: play with scissors, dear!!!
Tatiana: a broken ankle is serious, a broken calf muscle just needs a massage. and join me in the bath in the backroom here next door. i need for ALL the students to take a bath in the morning here before school. hygiene is more important than ever nowadays, hygiene is more important than heuristic mathematics. i was gonna suggest a shower but a giant sucked-on slobbered-over Thanksgiving turkey-leg bone got caught in the drainage hole...
Navin: sorry, that was me, i eat meat enthusiastically. and then my brain goes unconscious when it's time for the bone. my tongue extends and sticks out of my mouth wagging all round as my eyes are closed.