1. defend your splurge --- tell us why you bought that thing ---we won't judge.
okay i bought a brand-new wood foosball table. they had to cut down the last remaining living talking oak tree in Narnia for the wood. that tree man was my best friend, we played Nintendo on sleepovers together when we were young classmates, he was supposed to be the best man at my wedding. my wood wedding. look, i just wanted to do college over, i wanted to pretend i had been invited to join a frat, i wanted the rush of the Rush experience...
the word splurge always makes me think of Nickleodeon in the '90s.
2. what is one thing you always take from a hotel room? the Gideon Bible. you'd be surprised how many of those red-spined gold-leafed Gideon Bibles are there at hotels just lying around strewn all over the finished beds. sticky pages. i always read the Bible after sex, it calms my nerves. i usually pour a bucket of ice cubes down my pants after sex to cool my nerves but let's face it, the ice machine is ALWAYS BROKEN.
3. what is one thing in your pantry you know you keep for too long? milk.
but also this one time i opened my cupboard and there was a tiny miniature Princess Mononoke there scowling her painted face at my face. i was enchanted, and scared to death. Mononoke beat me up and the next day i came to and was her husband. the tribe had spoken. Jeff Probst was our best man.
4. which game show sums up your life? a) Jeopardy b) Family Feud c) The Price Is Right d) The Dating Game
Jeopardy and hear me out. this is serious. i'm not joking. i SERIOUSLY wished my beloved dad had gone on Jeopardy when he was still alive, i kid you not, MY DAD WOULD BE KEN JENNINGS NOW. my dad was smarter than God. my dad would have WHIPPED the competition, Harvard professors would stand no chance. even the Princeton profs where he went!!!
wait a minute, MY DAD WOULD BE THE HOST OF JEOPARDY NOW!!!...
5. when all is said and done, will you have said more than you have done? said more, i'm a writer.........whose wifi became a dead hotspot so he had to find a new room to type in. i'm currently writing this aboard an aircraft carrier for Veterans Day. i need to buy an Ethernet cable even though i've never needed an Ethernet cable before. the guy at ACE said the Ethernet cable must be yellow. you have no idea the amount of FURNITURE i had to REARRANGE this weekend...
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