Friday, November 18, 2022




* the crones travel to Palm Springs.
Doryce: WE are the snowbirds here not the real actual snowbirds. let's go on the Palm Springs Aerial Tramway, it looks high. and fun.
Gladyce: okay dear. WHOA this is HIGH! but not as high as our brooms.
Doryce: fasten your seatbelts, this tram's gonna be a BUMPY RIDE. at night. i love Bette Davis, she taught me how to be a witch. it's still not as bumpy as my sex. all i'm seeing are large cakes of cocaine.
Gladyce: those are the mountains dusted with snow, dear. you gotta look OUT MORE to see the daily sunrises at night forked by the ski slopes. 
heat: Palm Springs is the winter.

* Super Silver in Santa Cruz: the LUSH of silver jewelry. we got silver ankh pendants, silver crescent-moon rings, and silver candelabra earrings. it's not tin toy jewelry, it just needs a little polish-varnish to ungarish.

* Doryce: i'm at top of The Rock.........not the place in New York City...

* Boc: my first step in my walk i shake my nipples around and around, i clamp them with my pincer fingers and move them up and down mash them up and down with my thumbs like they were caught in staple-removers, gets the circulation flowing. OH LOOK WOW a guy actually came up and said good morning to me, that was surprising, never underestimate smokers. but overall this city sucks. those hoodlums hanging around Bagel Bakey are DEFINITELY Crespi High seniors. i can't live here if i can't get a box of pens here.

* Sam Bankman-Fried: i was KFC's banker instead of Popeyes's...

* apple Charlotte: it's good...

Avatar: The Way of Water trailer: did you just see a Terminator go by there in Pandora?...

* Boc: Sense Memory: it's like i'm a car in the mornings, a car on the road competing with all the other cold cars and terrible tantrum trucks for street space, for turf, for territory.........except i'm not a car driving, i'm a man walking, a lowly man walking. the umbrellas at the From Scratch restaurant look like angels. when does the windmill wheel start rotating, who pushes the button that activates the wind coming down from the sky? i'm really not wearing the right shoes for this, don't walk in den slippers. at least get some chancletas. but really the correct footwear for walking is tennis shoes if you can. basketball shoes if you fancy. OMG OH LOOK BUT DON'T MAKE A SOUND, i am RIGHT UP AGAINST a crow, the black crow is an inch from my face perched on a post. i can see a gooey tear glistening about to fall from the crow's eye, that is a sign...

* Skip Bayless: i'm looking rough recently, i had a stroke or something, right? lately my barbs are starting to mutter, i got low energy. i gave up having a family for MONEY. it's not my chest, i got a deceptive Ned Flanders muscle-chest i keep hidden under my tailored Tom Brady business shirts.
Tiger Woods: hang in there, Skip, it's a stroke, a golf stroke.
LeBron: get well soon, Skip.

* secret swinger: a swing on a playground that is cheap at Toys R' Us now at Macy's

* Jack Smith: i'm handsome.
Robert Mueller: what am i, chopped liver?
Jack Smith: i look like one of those G-Men from the '40s, i got the Untouchables crewcut.
Mueller: smile more, Jack, be smilin'...

* at the Wendy's parking lot, Pete Davidson and Tom Brady are holding hands walking slowly through the drive-thru without a car...

* Tongolele: hi, i'm Yolanda Montes, if you SQUINT at a picture of me and my prime backup-dancer/husband, you see Lily and Herman Munster...

* The Specials: our song "A Message To You Rudy," think about it, Rudy stands for rude boy. may ska come back. these things are cyclical, ska will be popular again in 2060 when the UN declares that it's too late to save the Earth. get ready for climate change with your deep-rimmed ska black hat and chain...for your wallet and snow tires. keep those vests you wore in college handy, there will be no more investments cos there will be no more banks. keep those spit-shined black shoes, nobody will want to manufacture chancletas anymore.........and you'll need something to set foot on Mars with.
Rudy Giuliani: the message of "A Message To You Rudy" is i need to get my act together...

* Qatari beer tastes like wine...

* Yeti: because of Amazon, i was able to get a BLOWER!!! a hair blower!!! with my blowdryer they'll let me into fancy parties. this latest shindig at a ballroom in Canoga has a glow-in-the-dark champagne fountain. it's all empty in here cos it was reserved for Amazon employees only. they offered me shrimp but i don't eat shrimp cos i have to LIVE with shrimp, i have to SWIM with shrimp.

* Cecily Strong: let's get this over with, i'm not into Christmas, not feeling Christmas this year.
Scrooge: you didn't know i was Paul Giamatti, you had to look it up. i'm SICK of Judd Apatow, he's a nice man but i CANNOT drink any more wine on set. from now on i only act characters IN UNRECOGNIZABLE MAKEUP AND 19TH-CENTURY COSTUME.

* Craig Robinson: i'm not wearing a pimp suit, i'm wearing a Pizza Hut red-and-white-checkered tablecloth as my jogging suit.

* Amazon Joy Is Made
father: daughter with the tomboy hair, listen to me, there is only ONE item you NEED in life to get by: a paper-shredder.
daughter: why, daddy?
father: you'll see when the time comes.
daughter: i just want to make snowflakes.
father: please don't talk like that, it was bad enough i didn't have a son.

* Rakuten
Santa: this commercial looks suspiciously like that World Cup commercial with Jon Hamm. i don't trust NOBODY. what's the backstory on Santa Claus? why hasn't there ever been a movie about Santa Claus as a boy, Santa Claus as a teenager in dungarees in the woods chopping wood and taking Little Red Riding Hood to prom. you know, like they did with Willy Wonka as a youth teen who stole cars to pay for his "candy" habit which was just cocaine.

* FitBit Unsearchable
FitBit: the world is fucked so now we have watches that map the entire world so you can know what the best hiding places are. watches that measure your menstrual blood so you know not to tell anyone you're pregnant, especially your parents. with these watches we're trying to keep A Handmaid's Tale a book that gets forgotten when the files are deleted from Google Library...

* Meta Quest 2
boy on bed: when i become a man i want to be the quarterback of the Dallas Cowboys.
Dak Prescott: take it, i hate Texas, you can take this job and shove it.
Tony Romo: my NFL career helped pay my way through college so i could live out my dream of becoming an artist, a Subway sandwich artist.

* Capital One Multiple Taylor Swifts: that commercial you never see the full version of cos you're watching '80s anime on dailymotion...

* George Kittle: my shirt is not Cobra from G.I. Joe...

happy World Cup weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: Two Words: Peppermint Frosty
meet me over by the Wendy's on Vine at around high noon, i'll be the one who smells like vinegar under the silver table in the backroom next to the grease fryer.........and please pay for all my food.


No comments: