Wednesday, November 9, 2022




Father Navin is typing away when a knock at the door interrupts his thoughts.
Shia LaBeouf: can i come in, Father?
Navin: sure my boy, what's on your mind?
Shia: where were you?
Navin: oh just over on 11th i mean 8th at the strip club. Calle Ocho you know.
Shia: what's that sound?
Navin: it's called a computer, i have the first one ever. the sound of typing on a keyboard, quite the lovely ASMR. i was just trolling my priest friends about the Election, they did not think it would turn out this way, they are miffed. i'm a pro-choice priest.

Shia: i'm nervous about Christmas.
Navin: no need, just gather the Toys For Tots kids for one last bang-sham wiz of a bash and then the year's up. 
Shia: i know but where am i supposed to get the toys?
Navin: over on 8th i mean 11th, the Target down there, here's 10 dollars. you can make that work, right?
Shia: there are 100 kids.
Navin: i was never good with math, i studied spirit shit.

Laney and the crew walk onto the main aisle inside the church practicing the Procession for Christmas. 
Laney: everyone know their lines for the Christmas play? this could be your big break, Broadway scouts will be in attendance. okay gang, let's air it all out, don't keep a thing in, let's hear it, any regrets this whole time?
Gerry: i just wish i coulda been Jerry Garcia, you know? i already look like a human Muppet, and i have the poofy hair. but i wear too sensible shoes to be a rock god.
Harrison: i have a confession to make: i love you, Lovely Laney. i want to mack you. that's it, no sex, i just want to mack your mouth.
Laney: i know, you already told me that, remember? and then you offered me your last McNugget with Mulan sauce.
President Bump: bargaining, that's how i got sex my whole life.
Ryan Stiles: i am Jesus Christ. i got the golden-blond hair and the blue eyes, right? i fit his slacker-surfer persona. 
Laney: God will answer your prayers. all of our prayers. i know it. if God is busy, Jesus will pick up the phone. if Jesus is away on sabbatical taking a break from college, you KNOW Mary St. Cyr will pick up!!!

Laney starts to notice freezing-cold waterdrops landing on her head from above, the above church nave.
Laney: what is this? the first frost of the season is tonight, rug up, gentlemen. this is dripping water. burst pipe? wait this helps us, all this water inside is gardening the crops, watering the plants planted in each row of pews with soil, we're growing magic mushrooms in here, mushrooms love the dark damp cold to grow. this will help all of our church community. magic mushrooms have scientifically been proven to cure depression.

Jake Tapper: the thing is, in Washington nobody cares about political scandals anymore.
Kerry Washington: you hush your mouth, Jake Tapper!!! hey man i know more about Washington D.C. than you do, it's in the last name!!! don't be taking food out of my mouth, Scandal can come back, it was a good ABC show, plenty more seasons to be written.

Charles III: i was the only non-Jewish person who ever watched Yentl. i watched it on the train. Paddington Bear squeezes my toothpaste. i have more clothes than the Pope.
The Pope: and that's saying something!!!
Olivia Pope: ...
Charles III: lost media? no i have all of van Gogh's artwork. ALL OF IT. i hang it where i go potty on my gold toilet. don't worry, the entire toilet isn't gold just the toilet seat.

Boc: my spooky Saturday morning walk hits different. the ghost drivers in the large campers, Christmas camper vans. the ghost driver in the large Preferred tour bus revving its motor on its way to Denmark for the Christmas market. OH LOOK, see? there are bicyclists out there with their Lizard Flares reflecting the fuck outta their bike spokes. you gotta catch the button JUST as the yellow arrow turns red or it won't go green for you. exactly 24 seconds from red to yellow. training early like this i feel like an Olympic athlete, like i'm preparing for Paris while everyone is sleeping. i end each exercise session with a warmdown drawdown by vaping for 20 minutes all over the yard of The Barnyard.........mall smoke.

Kevin Hart: Chase Bank, you see all these water bottles inside the bank? these 100 bottles on the counter? at Chase our #1 priority is not your money, it's keeping all our boss GIANT GLASS WINDOWS clean. and then i go through the In-N-Out Burger carwash.

Bagel Bakery: no matter what time it is, no matter if it's 6AM as Daylight Saving ends and it's still dark out, there will always be people in the Bagel Bakery, the gardeners getting their breakfast bagels with egg inside the hole of the egg bagel.

J.K. Rowling: i'm stubborn, that's why my fans love me.

Boc: Walk Diaries...OH LOOK MY FIRST SMOKER!!! yeah, two beautiful bald gay men walking their terrier on the sidewalk piping hot puffy cigarette smoke into the gas station's grey sky. a garbage truck going 100 mph on the freeway, you don't see that everyday!!! that same trash truck stopped in the grocery store parking lot. golden retriever jogging, that warmed my heart. i pretend i'm part of the early-morning work force but i'm more like an idle trust-fund kid looking for kicks, excitement, searching for something to do. when my skin and bald head start to itch, that's when i know the itch of something exciting is upon me. the birds perched on the yoga railing. the dripping on my head from the pine-needle spruce rain. i dab my finger in the pool of rainwater collected on the hairy doormat and drink it, dab it all over my face.

John Cleese at church too tall for the pew: am i a twat? i don't know about that. no, i'm just old. i'm merely a man of my generation, the one that beat the Nazis, when being British still MEANT something!!!

Visible commercial woman: my agony aunts are the worst.
agony aunts: still single, dear?
woman: yes, just like last year when it was the exact same commercial. NOTHING HAS CHANGED. i hate family during the holidays.

Boc: OH LOOK a fat freshman coming home from high school. school is still a thing? garbage truck's parking space is now a giant puddle. i don't drive, i walk. i love seeing someone brave enough to walk their gorgeous German Shepherd with the golden-hour coat THROUGH the mall.
Bagel Bakery: oh yeah forgot, we close from 3PM-5PM everyday for no reason. 
Boc: birds on a wire, MANY BIRDS, like 1000 birds on that wet electric wire, i'm scared for them, i worry for them, i ache for them. poor birds, this is why we need a solar panel. 

Santa Claus: we are in fact Santa & Mrs. Claus, it says so in the city. i was the school counselor who looked at her the student's artwork very closely after school.........we didn't need to meet online. i started chopping wood for no reason.
Mrs. Claus: it's okay, dear, you don't have to wear that cross around your neck, you're Santa Claus, remember?
old man in NYC: for my part, i took Prevagen cos i'm in the business, the cutthroat business of being a grueling writer and an impossible actor. i've lost all my jobs to young people, but at least i can still do anime.

Bagel Bakery: if you're thinking about quitting, at least that waft of hot bread slapshots you in the face in the morning.
The Store: OH LOOK you can't see the gilfs in the grocery store cos the sun hits JUST RIGHT on the windows so the glare obstructs all sight and obtrudes all light.
Bagel Bakery: same.
Boc: aw man, i walked right under the raindrops overhanging the Bagel Bakery roof but i didn't get hit, didn't get pelted, who am i, Robert Redford and Paul Newman singing a duet? no, but i'd like to fuck those two threeway. HEY BUDDY stop smoking in the general area where i walk and do my morning meditations!!!

Navin: got the den warmed up?
Shia: oh yeah.
Ryan Stiles sitting on the guest barcalounger: yes, warmed with my waste. Santa Claus ain't vegan, he eats meat, reindeer meat.
Dover Boys at Pimento University: didn't this classic short get you hype for returning back to college again?
Laertus's dad: mostly it made my cardigans smell of olives. i mean yeah, college was great in the '40s.........if you were white. times were simpler back then, college was about breezes and trees and football without the forward pass and women in hoop skirts holding parasols on unicycles. there were only 3 subjects...
Dora Standpipe: I was the star of this little short, not the three boys or the literally-mustache-twirling villain. i mean look at the shape of my body!!! i was perfect for lesbian pegging before that was a thing!!!
Takahashi: i don't care, the runaway was the COOLEST COVERED CAR EVER!!! i would be big man on campus if i rode a 2022!!! 
Dora Standpipe: 19th-century swimming suits were coats. i'd lose my innocence to you if you serenaded me barbershop-style. i fucked Donald Duck for his sailor cap, as a topper for my head, Donald Duck doesn't have a dick.
Rover Boys: 1899 Choose Your Own Adventure...
Chuck Jones: there's a fountain in the park. but the park is on the moon, you can only get there by strolling. would you believe me if i told you polyandry was legal in this country in the 1940s? as long as it was done in the back of a smoking-room pool hall.

Shia: yeah so i'm rewatching episodes of The Pirates of Dark Water and i forgot about the RAMPANT SEXISM in it!!! i mean SHIT, every other line of dialogue is Ioz calling Tula a WOMAN disparagingly, the word "woman" used as an insult. i'm noticing these things now, i don't gloss over these things like i used to, your teaching of the Catholic catechism to me has helped me with this.
Navin: thank you, my son. oh and that poor creature in the final episode which was never meant to be the final episode, there were 5 treasures left. that psychedelic Gummi bear, the bicycle sticker from the '60s not the gummi candy, turns out to be a Living Treasure. that poor guy, that creature was JUST starting to suck up the black Dark Water from the blue ocean when the show abruptly ends, you just start to see how it would have ended with all the lands cleaned up and sparkly. 
Fujiko: I am the only Living Treasure...

Greykid: Sam & Max: Freelance Police, love how the dog is smart and uses an expanded intelligent vocabulary and vernacular, the dog part not the making-cops-look-good part.
Dave Purcell: um, I should be having the life my brother Steve has right now!!! I should be working for PIXAR!!! Sam & Max is MY IDEA!!! STEVE PURCELL STOLE IT FROM ME!!! it's the Robert Crumb brothers all over again!!!

Droids wrap-up televison movie: the Great Heep, cos we couldn't get Uriah for the soundtrack. the GIANT metal monster with metal gnashing teeth is Teddy Ruxpin when he doesn't get his rider.
Rubikon: THAT WAS FUCKED UP, showing that poor white droid getting SUCKED the life in front of him, all his electricity drained for that monster's sustenance, that was TRAUMATIC for a kid's cartoon. 
Droids: R2-D2 Playboy mansion. dripping water, dripping cave water. weather antennas are bad news. farm maiden who fills out her dress the next time you see her while you're riding your 3-humped camel across the field.
C-3PO: ugh those end credits tho. that always gets me, when you see the vastness of outer space as your background, the trillions of stars, you feel small, insignificant, you're searching but it all means nothing in the end, it's meaningless out there no matter how far you travel to a distant star. that mood music, there's just something so melancholic about panpipes in space. it burns out my circuits thinking about it.

Eye Luggage: The Mighty Ducks (1992) and go.
Emilio Estevez: can you say bitch in a Disney movie? cos i just did. oh yeah forgot, this was the first PG Disney movie, right? before Splash. to this day i am QUITE SURPRISED, FLABBERGASTED even as to the success of this franchise, i had no idea it would get THIS BIG. this movie has a 24-hour dedicated podcast called Webbed Feet and Other Oddities on PBS Radio. i told my agent to cancel me after the first one.

Emilio Estevez: this isn't gonna be another bad cut-and-paste sports film, is it? okay no good, this is actually promising, me drinking an open bottle of booze while driving, that's not very Disney, that's good.

NHL: if this movie flopped, there wouldn't have been an Anaheim Ducks team, what team would have won that Stanley Cup instead?...

Gordon Bombay: i am not ethnic, i'm not a Bollywood actor, i am meant to be white. imagine me on Law & Order with Walt Disney playing Sam Waterston.
Dirg: OH DUDE THAT IS LAZY!!! did you see the fast-forward scene? they actually just sped up the film, fast-forwarding the film during the chase for comic effect, that is CHEAP!!!

Gordon: don't worry, my limo will hold on this ice, Prince told me so.
Prince: Minneapolis lakes are STRONG.

Lane Smith: i'm a straight-up fucking jackholing stalwart fucked-up hissable pansy evil BAD GUY here, the world HATES ME. but despite this feisty role i am even MORE REVILED as a member of the media on that Superman show, the head of the newspaper up there...

Jack Reilly: i wish we could have taken down your second-place-finish banner from our rafters, the one where you missed the penalty shot cos i shot your dad dead. that one is orange, the other banners are green, the colors clash, the color scheme's all off.

Joss Ackland: i am your mentor, Gordo, when your dad wasn't around.
Gordon: cos he was dead.
Joss: i am your mentor because i speak with an accent, it's British not Swedish!!! i reinvigorated your love of the game, just skating outside in the snow enjoying life on the lake, the lake of ice, not worrying about state finals and major-league money. just lacing up your skates and cutting a bird flying by the frozen pond with your skate blade, that memory is forever cast and locked in sepia.  

Laertus: oh GOD NO, not that white kid with glasses, the Ralphie Parker wannabe who just repeats everything with the faux-black Pauly Shore cadences and mannerisms.
Dirg: that hurts, this cuts close to home, this kid was me when i was young.
Eye: well, Dirg, he has one thing going for him: Pauly Shore IS the coolest iteration of whiteness ever.

Gordon: hey kids, CHEAT. it's okay, adults do it all the time. cheaters become Presidents. take a dive on the ice and collect $200!!! 
Terry Hall: hey man, i ain't no cheater!!! that's bullshit!!! you think i'm gonna lie in my life?!!! you think i'm gonna start making up stories about assaults on the streets to get out of a jam? that's how it starts, you start getting away with being a liar as a kid and before you know it you're fucking up your entire adulthood...

Tyzik: QUACK QUACK?!!! that doesn't inspire fear in opponents. so far this movie is basically The Bad News Bears On Ice with a little Cobra Kai Red as cherry for the snocone.

Casey Conway: i see you through the upstairs turreted Bay window of my Brooklyn brownstone stoop, you're good with my kid, my son kas been lost without his father. 
Gordon: you're spying on me? he's a good kid. needs a father figure to guide him.
Casey Conway: that's why i'm smiling again in my life, you could be the one. now listen, buster, i DON'T CARE what you think about me, just be a soft landing spot for my kid, eh?
Gordon: yeah i mean you're cute but you're not hot or anything.
Casey Conway: my name is Heidi Kling, i cling to the right man when he comes along. i wear mom jeans.

Casey Conway: i haven't been on a date in 30 YEARS!!! i'm nervous.
Gordon: let me guess, your grandfather locked you up in a carved ice palace similar to this one and you weren't allowed to see The Nutcracker, ever since then you've wanted to be in Ice Capades as a ballerina who eats snow to keep skinny. 
Casey: uh, yeah, how'd you know?
Gordon: can we speed the date along and get to the good stuff?

on the sidewalk
Gordon: look, Charlie, i'm gonna fuck your mom. i mean you knew this would happen, you had to have seen this coming.
Charlie Conway: i know, i understand, it's understandable. have at it but promise to join me tomorrow for diner spaghetti.
Gordon: you got it, champ. hey maybe when you're older i'll introduce you to Scientology.
Charlie: yeah i'd like to meet Katie Holmes...

in the brownstone bedroom above the stoop, Casey is fucking the fuck outta Gordon.
Casey: i mean when are you gonna have the chance to rail a big movie star again in your life?
Gordon: damn, woman, your apple-pie butt is so BIG and sweaty and juicy and rounded and firm and oval-shaped, i can't fully doggie it properly!!! you're gonna have to cowgirl me!!! up and down up and down until the ceiling spackling turns to dust!!!
Emilio Estevez: say my name say my name!!!
Casey: GORDON GEKKO!!!.........wait you aren't Gordon Gekko? he's the hot commodity right now. i saw you in that limousine and assumed. oh so you're a nobody.
Emilio: i mean i KINDA look like Michael Douglas, we have the same jawline and olive skin.

bullies: these stupid short kids wouldn't know what to do with this Sports Illustrated magazine.
Marguerite Moreau: hi. you know me, i'm your first crush. i'm that actress who was on that show, that French-Canadian show. on YTV. about high school or space aliens or a princess in a Medieval castle or something. i'm the Tatum O'Neal of the group. I know what to do with this, this magazine inspires me to be the best athlete i can be.........not the swimsuit issue. i play because i've always wanted to practice ice-hockey in jeans.
Gordon: and i've always wanted to coach ice-hockey in a longcoat.

Danny Tamberelli: i'm not the ginger from Partridge Family.

Laertus: you know as i was watching this i was saying to myself, what would happen if you had a player who was good but had never learned to skate? that would be a problem. and then BOOM that Incredible Hulk boy character appears with the slap shot that goes 100 mph.
Paul Newman: i went 100 mph in my day...
Fulton Reed: i'm no Muppet.

Hans: they redraw the district lines to give them a zone advantage so they can swipe up the best players, the NHL prospects, kinda like how Republicans gerrymander. i run a sporting-goods store, no guns, no knives.

Gordon; hey, can you skate?
figure skater: yeah but i do it the right way, the graceful way, the artist way, the math way.
Gordon: can you tape tape to your shins?.........for kneepads, not that kind of kneepads.
figure skater: i can plank.........the internet sensation. 

Gordon: i didn't say you were losers. i said you sucked which is factually true. for now. The Mighty Sucks. but it was taken out of context, you misheard me, you misunderstood, it's a Three's Company thing.

Rubikon: Coon Rapids? VERY UNFORTUNATE name there.

Adam Banks: you can count on me, coach. i'm not a spy. what do you want me to do to prove it? okay well now i have a concussion.

Bombay pulls Charlie over to the edge of the ice and touches his shoulder pad with his goalie glove.
Charlie: i don't know, Coach, Jewish goalies ae the best, look at our guy, he's standing on his head out there, he's a fucking statue.
Gordon: hey, religion doesn't matter. listen Charlie, i will love you even if you miss this penalty shot, it's just a game and i got your mom.
Charlie: thanks, dad.

Roger Federer: you know it's true, ONE INCH determines your life. take tennis lines for example, one more inch out or in and Djokovic wouldn't have made that lucky shot against me at the U.S. Open. or i could have won more French Opens. i could have won more Grand Slams is what i'm saying. i could have remained relevant longer, my obituary reads that i HAD FUN playing tennis, that's it.

Charlie: should i use the triple-deke?
Gordon: no, use the double-deke, everyone is expecting the triple-deke. dekeing once is an accident.

Charlie: *does the triple-deke* yeah!!! that was a holy shot!!!

Connie Moreau: HOLY SHIT they allowed us to KISS IN THE MOUTH in a Disney movie!!! gnarly.
boyfriend: what do you want now?
Connie: i mean at our age boyfriend/girlfriend, nothing really happens. just buy me a pair of jeans at the mall or something.

Eye Luggage: my mom made me take skating experience of my life, i really bonded to my mom from those skating lessons, you know? the more you skate, the more goth you get.  

Basil McRae: wait, I was the best celebrity you could get for this thing? when does Kristi Yamaguchi come?

Jussie Smollett: you see what i did pointing my two index fingers from each hand at each other and touching them like that? pushing them onto each other smushing them together to indicate sex. that's what all kids in the '80s did on playgrounds to signal fucking. heavily done on the St. Cyril's playground.

Casey Conway: yeah so i'm not gonna be in the sequel, this movie is a stinker, it's a dud that's not going anywhere. Joshua Jackson doesn't have a mom anymore.

Kenan Thompson: wait, i thought i was in this movie.........g'night folks.

Shia LeBeouf enters the Target store on the outskirts of town. he nervously hands the clerk working the register a shaking ten-dollar bill.
Alex From Target looking dour: your money is shaky, it's no good here.........just kidding, YOU'RE THE ONE-MILLIONTH CUSTOMER!!!
Alex From Target's face lights up in a big bright smile and 1000 red circle balloons fall from the sky!!! well from the ceiling!!! Shia is taken aback and trips on himself onto the waxy floor.
Shia: i can't believe........what's going on?.........what's happening?

Father Navin comes out from behind the counter. The Pope was there with him on her knees. both are smiling.
The Pope: it was all a prank, life is one big joke. 
Navin: yeah, The Pope said this was the only way she'd grant me Monsignor rank. it had to come organically from you, i couldn't tell you a thing. you, my precious altarboy in life, had to figure it out for yourself.
Shia: like Venger and Dungeon Master.
The Pope: and i'm Darth Sidious.
Shia: but what about the toys?
Monsignor Navin: don't worry, your sawbuck uh your two fins will buy us enough Toys for the Tots. one Optimus Prime can be disassembled for parts for each of them. not too small to choke, i have responsibilities now.

Shia looks at Alex From Target. 
Shia LaBeouf: you're my brother, aren't you? my long-lost brother?
Alex From Target: yes.
Shia: LaBeouf is not a common last name. 
Alex: common in Canada.
Shia: will you convert to Roman Catholicism with me?
Alex: i'm an influencer, the best religion.
Shia and Alex LaBeouf hug by that Target return counter the rest of the evening, past midnight without them noticing, the Target is closed and locked up but these two are still there hugging. the lights come on John-Hughes-style...

Laney: so that's cool. literally. the ice rink above on the roof will provide hours of holiday playtime for the Toys For Tots kids. they can play there to their hearts' contents. play up there.
Gerry: they can skate on the roof. if they know how to skate. that's dangerous to give children blades like that.
Harrison: so Laney, now that you're the new Principal of St. Cyril's of Jerusalem School, what's your first order?
Laney: i'm a single career woman in a pantsuit!!! my mother would be SO PROUD!!! my first Catholic decree: a wicked magic-mushroom harvest. not a harvest of sinful magic mushrooms, a WICKED AWESOME magic-mushroom harvest!!!
Harrison: so who are you going to marry? of the three of us in the group. me, right?
Laney: oh.........i have to get married?.........for there to be an ending?.........and it has to be one of YOU 3?!!!.........huh, well i suppose my mom would gently advise me to pick the sensible one so i guess it's gonna be Gerry.
Harrison: NO FAIR!!! WHAT DID I DO WRONG?!!!  
Laney: nothing, you're my friend.
Ryan Stiles: i only did all those crazy things to get your attention. i just want to be a settled man. i'm sick of my mom.
Laney: yeah, that's what life is: attention.




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