Wednesday, November 16, 2022



Gladyce: MY FEET HURT!!!
Doryce: what's wrong with them?
Gladyce: everything, dear. i got gashes inbetween the marrow between my toes, i got cuts and scrapes and bruises on my toenails, and that's outside!!! inside my feet are brown and splotchy and torn and worn.
Doryce: all witch feet should have SOME hair, and look like they have cancer, it's in vogue nowadays, heroin chic. 
Boc hugs both them crones.
Boc: don't fret, honey, you're still pretty. i know EXACTLY how you feel, Auntie Glad, i started going on walks in the case you haven't heard.
Doryce: oh yeah?
Boc: my feet have gone through the ringer: red spots, elongated toes, smell like salad spray. 
Gladyce: that's foot fungus, dear.
Boc: it's a trap, you can't win. i have to walk A LOT for the exercise for my nervosa but that RUINS MY FEET, and it RUINS MY SHOES. but i can't do anything else for exercise. that's cheap exercise. 

Gladyce: the problem is my SOCKS. i love my socks but they ain't right. they don't fit right, they don't caress the soles of my feet and massage my arches. like i have one long heavy wool one that talls up to my kneecap and a tiny prickly ankle-high sock to match.
Doryce: case closed. simple matter, we'll just buy you more socks.
Gladyce: you mean YOU'LL pay for the socks?
Doryce dumping out her pink coinpurse: i mean...
Doryce: i don't mind, you're my soulmate from centuries ago.
Gladyce: this is the problem, i buy a whole batch of new fluffy socks in a big giant sock ball and they last ONLY A MONTH TOPS. by a month they ALL have HOLES in them AGAIN!!! 
Boc: you gotta wear shoes. indoors. indoor shoes.........yeah you're right, that's too uncomfortable.
Gladyce: i've tried GOING BAREFOOT but that hurts in a different way.
Doryce: in a sexual way i hope, in a naked way, a vulnerable way.
Greykid: yeah but the mousetraps all over the Treehouse linoleum...

Gladyce: i don't wanna go to Macy's!!! ANYWHERE BUT MACY'S!!!
Boc: i frequent a charity over at Skid Row you can donate used socks for the homeless.
Gladyce: i will not give the homeless holey socks. holy socks yes. well, witchy socks. dignified socks.
Doryce: go to Bombas Socks, dear, they're focus-tested for men, and pick yous up a man while you're down there. help the sock game down there in Africa. i hear they're bombastic men who work there at Bombas, bombastic men with big butts.

Boc: Hot Wood, best name for Christmas logs, goes well with roof sex, rooftop sex.

Might Duy, Guy Sensei's dad: i am sensitive, i cry, that's cos i have this neato Freddie Mercury stache on my lip. the Mercury Mustache. 
Guy Sensei: daddy one day i'll be just like you!!! i'll be Might Duy Deux i mean Might Guy!!!
Might Duy: Self Rule is better than a Goal. just keep doing 1000 pushups as a response to everything in life and you'll be fine.
Guy Sensei as a kid with a Beatles moptop: but Pops, i don't want anarchy inside me, i want to be calm inside...

Riku: i felt being in love with Lady Towa, nothing else matters. it doesn't matter if my whole life is 5 minutes long. apples are forbidden fruit cos Granny Smith cannot be juicy.
Moroha, blushing: wow, you two called me cousin for the first time ever, thank you, Towa and Setsuna, cousin is more endearing than friend.
Kirinmaru: and me with my He-Man dazzling fireworks-waterfall of rotoscoped melting lightning. by the power of Grayskull!!!
Moroha to her mom Kagome: i know you from your scent, i remember your scent, from 20 years ago. the smell of kitchen apron-drawstrings and bad '80s AquaNet hairspray...

Doryce: blow bridge, there is no bridge low enough i cannot cross to support the troops. and my personal war.........personal war effort towards pleasure.

Boc: i feel comfortable enough now that i can eat a salty booger that came from my nose while walking through the Barnyard mall. NO CAWK on that pipe, son. 
Trickster Spirit: it's not a fox, the Bagel Bakery O sign is not a foxtail, it's spread, it's creamcheese, it's lox, it's schmear.

an opera singer from the Bach Festival is doing her early-morning shopping at the grocery store. she's blonde and old and wrinkly and shriveled-up and she slept in her car last night. but she's not homeless. as she loads her brown grocery bags in the trunk herself she keeps all 4 doors of her sedan open as she sings the aria from Pinocchio, gently lilting the cold air with her tickly voice vibrations. 

running into Bagel Bakery a blonde heiress in a parka: it's fucking cold!!! and i need coffee!!! i don't care my doctor says coffee is bad for me, coffee has scientifically been proven to be the best drink to warm your insides up when you don't have Hot Coke.

Boc: i was thinking of skipping this Saturday morning cos i had a bad gash on my toe, when have i ever been scared of a gash? i toughened up, put some ointment on my toe-cut, you know how much i love ointment, and, mainlining 17 Vanquish pills into my pricked vein, i walked anyway. i'm glad i did. OH LOOK 3rd time in a row i see the jogging lady riding her Golden Retriever steed!!! this is becoming a habit, we gotta stop meeting like this, she's quietly becoming my special friend i see everyday but never talk to.
Golden Retriever mom: thank you, blower, thank you, gardener, for providing my pup a bowl of water so early, the bowl has an autumn leaf in it, how thoughtful.
Boc: i'm glad i stuck it out and went through with it as always. i bucked up. right on schedule. there are some GENUINE MOVIE SCENES i would have missed otherwise!!!

Joan Price: Madonna WISHES she could be me at HER age!!! i wish she'd stop complaining about AGEISM!!! LOOK AT ME!!!

Takahashi: watch the LAST episode of an anime FIRST, trust me.

Shia LeBeouf, Monsignor Navin, and Alex From Target stroll the wax-floored Macy's mall the three hugging in threes and sipping from one Icee.
Monsignor: Oedo 808, best cyberpunk that's ever been done!!!
Philip K. Dick: i'd have to agree.
Shia, pointing: YES. definitely.
Navin: and that end song on Episode 2, it's so morose, so heartdeep, so full of morbs, so morby. Burning World, that's what i talk about each time i prattle on in church. the message of this anime is simple and complex: live while you can, everything ends, even light. very Catholic.
Alex: yeah you two fellas are making me uncomfortable, i'm gonna skip out of this hug-chain and get me a long skinny corndog.
Shia: the woman in Episode 2 was HOT, RED HOT in that red jumpsuit.
Monsignor: it was so tragic for her, her story was doomed from the start, she had to betray her ex-partner whom she wanted to be her ex-lover i mean her lover because of money. it's always about money, luckily the Vatican pays me so i can get as many cases of Coke i want. the woman in red knew her ex-partner was the person she had spent the most time with throughout her life so he HAD to be The One, right? it was fate, kismet, destiny. and then she dies underwater pinned to a starfish after a truck accident. there's a doomy sense speeding along the hyper highways of this cyberpunk world that the future ain't all it's cracked up to be.

Shia: OMG remember The Guyver!!!?
Navin, face lit-up: yeah, i saw that show as a priest-junior while drinking sloppy joes by the docks.
Shia: i remember these characters!!! WHOA but i don't remember the girl's bare butt at the end of the end-music credits. yeah i saw this on that special channel that Friday anime block when Sci Fi Channel was still cool, AniHappiness or whatever it was called.
Navin: the AniHaps.
Takahashi: i remember the SCREAMING from this show, i had to turn the volume down at night not to wake up my mom next to me drooling. THIS was the show that really showcased the quintessential ANIME TRUCK of '80s anime, you know? the futuristic flatbed Nissan Ford truck of the future. of the 1990s.
Steve Blum: i was in The Guyver, back when i was a scared little boy who was dissuaded by my father from dreaming of a better life with a mermaid named Mary Elizabeth McGlynn in a Hawaiian grass skirt.

Jonathan Frakes: if they ever do a live-action of that '80s cartoon Star Wars: Droids, i should play Mungo Baobab. right? honestly that sounds like a villain name.
Scott Baio: i am a villain.
Jonathan Frakes: i should play Mungo Baobab AS William Riker to unite the two Star worlds, Trek and Wars.

Alex From Target: you know, i'm thinking of dyeing my hair the color of this Icee...

Gladyce is naked and taking a shower. well it's not a shower it's more like stepping into the tub and there's a showerhead on the side, it's not a true shower it's a converted bath.
Gladyce: The Treehouse provides i want for naught.
Gladyce's eyes are swollen-red as she spitews gelatin tears out her ducts in great pain as the water hits the rash area on the landing strip of her foot. Gladyce falls over in a thud on the tile from rubbing too deep, passing out in the shower from exceeding her tolerance level.
Doryce shakes her out of it.
Doryce: you're alright, dear. wet and alright. what happened?
Gladyce: disrupt. disrupt in the force. the front of my foot is so itchy and red and aggravated-pink all the time, infected and swerving, i glaze my eyes over and pass out when i scratch my foot with my other foot, i moan but it's not a pleasure moan.
Doryce: the worst kind of moan. have you ever thought of WASHING your socks? they can still get clean with holes in them.
Gladyce: i do but i use EXACT RINSE amount of water.
Doryce: yeah that's a scam, that's useless, you're not washing your socks at all.
Gladyce: come to think of it my clothes feel itchy, too.
Doryce: THAT'S IT WE'RE GOING TO MACY'S!!! not for clothes, only for socks.

John Fetterman: i used to be a a Sandals resort.

Boc: half-marathons need COOL weather. OH NO is the woman coming out of the car a grocery-store employee or a customer?!!! she'll recognize me!!! i'm scared of women. it's amazing how there's always something new on my morning walks. i shoulda joined the writing staff of The Heuristic Squelch the IMMEDIATE MOMENT i read that first pamphlet...

Boc: nobody's ever around when i walk cos they're all at school, the newest UC campus in Los Banos. seagull on a wire, no, spotted dove on a wire, a mini peregrine falcon surveying the landscape and pointing his beak straight down to my junk, chilling and thrilling. 
Bagel Bakery: there's a gnome in a Christmas-egg elf hat on our center table now.
Boc: i rule the roost everytime i cross the road, as i look straight into the beady eyes of the stopped RAV4 truckers' surly faces, yeah, get used to my face every morning, bubs, I HERE.

Ian Curtis lying down on the Macy's roof on top of the skylight, the glass bending but not breaking under his weight: Control (2007) is in black-and-white because that's how you've always seen me, that iconic photo of me palming the microphone. it's in black-and-white because every scene in the film seems to be an event which takes place on another planet, another world, an alternate-Earth with a calming monotone hue, detached, out of time space and place. i'm frozen in time, i'm not allowed to move.........except that this was Earth, and i am real.........well i WAS real.
Ian Curtis: there is no color in my life now, only shades of black.........when you first meet someone online you don't know what to think. only when you see the blue heart not blue check by their name, when they post jubilation that the Democrats won, only then can you be certain, reassured that you're not dealing with a crazy person.

Ian Curtis: there's nothing like the exhilarating experience of watching 1990s soccer documentaries the week before the World Cup.
Alexandra Maria Lara: yes. my favorite part is when the announcer's yelling is drowned out by classical music...
Ian Curtis: there's something mystical to '90s videotape, magical, it's imbued with a wizard spell of warmth and good tidings, of a simpler time of camaraderie when people weren't political, they were party people, 24-hour party people. R Baggio with the only soccer mullet that matters.
Alexandra Maria Lara: R Baggio's mullet was made of straw...

Cecily Strong: i know i look EXACTLY like Kari Lake.........but i DON'T WANNA look like Kari Lake!!!

Massanutten: come on, do Massholes makes better lovers here?

Christina Applegate: ironically, the Married...with Children set was the most loving, caring, supportive group of people i could ever find in Hollywood, i trust them with my heart more than i do my MS doctors. we did A LOT OF ACTING on that show...

Boc: sad morning to walk today: the chancleta flip-flop sandal, the pipe in the middle of the road, plastic pipe, the two power-washers tending a nursed squirrel and a banished bunny after a fight of words, the homeless man setting up tent sticks outside in the ice calling me a bum, strawberry-milk acid puddle, automatic glass door that only opens out. and a hunk of a man with massive chesticles, this hunk don't care if people stare at him, what society thinks, he is athletic and athletic-attituded, this hunk runs barechested in 20-fahrenheit-degree weather, i don't like that for him, too sheety, too sheetmetal cold for him, i will do ANYTHING to protect his precious pencil-sharp nipple nips.

Shirley Manson squeezing into a giant pretzel: NMFG? no mother-fucking gods here in New Mexico...

Eye Luggage: we are HONORED to welcome Mr. Brandon Lee himself to the podcast booth!!! sound up good sir.
Brandon Lee: thank you. look at my pictures up there, i look like a Power Ranger in one of them, like Tommy himself. 
Dirg: you coulda kicked Tommy's ass!!! i hate Tommy the Green Ranger!!!
Brandon: i could kick and punch and flip but i didn't have my dad's six-pack.
Boc: beer?
Brandon: chest muscles, chesticles.

Brandon Lee: so as i swivel on this ratty old green chair i have to contemplate and think about some things, when it comes to filmmaking. i had this idea as i was shooting The Crow, see i LOVE black-and-white, i think it's so visually striking. film is better in black-and-white, it makes it starker, you remember it, you can't turn away from Ian Curtis's last mood as it pervades the ethos of the atmosphere. have Eric Draven's PAST LIFE IN COLOR, when he was alive, when he was in love, when he was gonna marry that sweet piece of a woman he met at a Halloween party who looked like head cheerleader but was into goth, too, the perfect combination, how lucky was i. and have the LIFE AFTER DEATH of Eric Draven as the Crow in black-and-white, see, color denotes happiness, black-and-white is the cruel reality of life. after death. both meanings for me.

Laertus: that's brilliant, Mr. Brandon!!! i LOVE that name Brandon!!!
Biden: Brandon Lee is the dark Brandon the TikTokers love who'll get me reelected!!!
Laertus: your moviemaking ideas are on point. Draven, Raven, Crow, i get it now.
Brandon: unfortunately, Hollywood doesn't work by reason. by sense. it works by money, one studio had already pulled out, the second studio had already shelled out and wasn't gonna dump a bunch of money to make a black-and-white arthouse flop nobody would see. and why the heck didn't this premiere ON HALLOWEEN?!!! RIGHT?!!! i mean come on, this isn't a summer movie!!!

Eye: you know, i've been uncomfortable watching this, not only for the gratuitous stomach-churning violence, but because i love you, Brandon Lee, it pains me to watch this knowing what happened to you. i feel shame and squirm as i see the scenes. i can never watch a movie scene with a gun again, when i see that supposed rubber toy gun acting as a real gun, fake flashbangs or whatever, i have to turn away cos i know fatal accidents happened on set to make that scene work.
Brandon: i know, everyone feels that way. it's a bit icky. look at me up there, look at that handsome face!!! the world is now sick of Johnny Depp, right? well I would have been Johnny Depp instead if i had lived!!!

Eye: it's weird cos i've never seen this movie but i kinda have because i've seen the music video to The Cure's song "Burn" and the music video to Nine Inch Nails's "Dead Souls" about a dozen million times. i've seen all the scenes before!!! the black dude who shakes his long rain-wet hair up and down into dreads. Brandon on the ground laughing maniacally like the Joker. the fire that burns in flames in the outline-shape of a giant bird...
Phoenix: ...
Eye: ...the crow. and all the dastardly horrible red-lit rape scenes and punks and hoodlums and the famous Charmed circle-window at the top of the high-rise and the crow flying in the night sky in the end. the explosion of the bodega and all of Brandon's Crow parkour jumps off ledges and onto other ledges.

Greykid: The Crow likes cats!!! he pets the white cat lovingly and the white cat meows assuredly, I LIKE THE CROW IN MY BOOK!!!

Eye: poor little girl!!! she's stuck living in this nightmarish landscape with these ugly-on-the-inside adults!!! it's always night as this poor orphan wanders the streets alone.
Rochelle Davis: i know, right? poor Sarah Mohr, i mean does this girl GO TO SCHOOL at all in this world? or does she just hang out with pimps and prostitutes at the pool hall because there are no other kids her age around?

Eric Draven: now THAT's a hero name!!! that's a soap-opera hunk name!!!

Sergeant Daryl Albrecht: i don't believe in ghosts.........but i'll bust a ghost if i have to.

Sofia Shinas: pity, i was the babe in this, the one with the shiny teeth, Brandon's girlfriend, BUT I HAVE NO LINES!!! i'm just a background babe, a flashback female. for fuck sale i'm more than a pretty face!!! i take jiujitsu just like Brandon!!! i was the babe android robot on that episode of Outer Limits who had a heart of compassion and a brain of gold to care for that spastic awkward wheelchair-bound nerd scientist with the rare blond hair and jawline who just wanted to experience DIFFERENT LOVE everlastingly.  

Anna Levine: i look like Courtney Love if she took SLIGHTLY LESS drugs. but then i clean up and become a good mom cos you can't have your kid roaming the streets like this on a dark night.

Michael Massee: i'm that guy who plays the fucked-up murderer who's insane cos i have one of those rough's like my face got carved up with a knife but no one knows who did it.
Thanksgiving turkey: i did it.
Michael Massee: i should be hawking BLUE French perfume.

Tony Todd: be honest, you thought i was John Singleton...
Tricky: you could play ME in the movie!!!

Jon Polito: i play a fat bald bastard in this, i play the real-life Carl from Aqua Teen. i play all hard and unforgiving and a wannabe mafia stooge, but did you know i was gay in real life? so a lot of my lines here end up ironic.

Mardith: first question, i'm goth like y'all but maybe don't have the wedding on Halloween?...
SNL Joker skit: ...

Brandon Lee: death won't come to you if you don't let it. i WILLED myself out of that graveyard cos my death was BULLSHIT. not justified at all. REVENGE IS TASTY. i'm the Cyberpunk Count of Monte Cristo.
Dirg: you gotta admit, seeing scum get what they deserve in like kind is satisfying, i get off on that stuff.

Detroit: NO WAY, this is not Devil's Night in Detroit!!! this is clearly a set!!! a set at Universal Studios in Los Angeles made to look like Gotham Music City!!!

Eric Draven: okay, my band's first album sucked, but was a swan dive necessary?
Laertus: what exactly was the reason for this bloodcurdling violence? what exactly was the crime here? the rent was too damn high or something?

Draven: i'll take the 'Nam flashbacks if it means i'm resuscitated, and i get this cool robot raven bird. first stop: LUSH for white makeup and crystals...

Ernie Hudson: hey little girl, what are you doing up at this hour on the streets?
Sarah Mohr: my mom hates English muffins. and i hate onions on street dogs, they give me the farts.
Ernie: i'll give up cigarettes if you give up hot dogs, they're both bad for us.

Kurt Cobain: for the record, i wouldn't be caught dead at a grunge club music-concert venue like THAT.
phoenix on the river singing like a crow.........wearing the club's chains: ...

The Crow: Bruce Lee never taught me to catch a knife with my teeth, i learned that one on my own.........because i have these cool crow teeth, see?
Tin Tin: alphabetical order on my body parts? but i'm made of tin, it's all tin!!!

Crow: sorry about your pawnshop, i lit it on fire, luckily Shelly's engagement ring is fireproof tin.
Jon Polito: i believe you, believe me. i believe all you freaks in street gangs, you're all immortal. i'll turn over a new leaf if you don't fire me, i'll work Homicide at the police station i promise...

Crow: hey Funboy, drugs are fun, have some more.
Funboy: but it's morphine, i'm asleep through the whole thing, no experience.
Darla, the mom: sex is fun, drugs are fun, but my daughter is NOT a Girl Scout selling cookies by the side of the road at midnight, i need to finally pick her up from school...

Top Dollar: Myca, you're my HALF-sister, okay? it's not weird that we have sex.
Bai Ling: i don't look like you, you can pass for many races so we're in the clear with our non-clear complexions.

Crow: let me touch you, Ernie Hudson. WHOA!!! got an episode of ER drilled into my brain there!!!

The Crow: it can't rain all the time.........wait this doesn't take place in Seattle, right?

T-Bird: ironic, i get killed in my own Thunderbird car.
Phoenix: hey guy don't fret about it, i get scared of driving, too, i always feel i'm gonna drive right off into the river...

Sarah: mom, make me eggs, fry some eggs in a pan.
Darla: i've never been a good mother to you. i don't know how to make eggs, i don't know how to do the non-stripper mom things. over-easy or hard?
Sarah: hard, mom, life is hard. make a poached egg without using water and i'll forgive you.

Top Dollar: my wainscot indicates i like to take up golf in this grimy city. violence must be nameless to be effective, it must be violence for violence's sake, we can't be having any niggling social justice squeezed into the violence or it all goes to hell.
Crow: ready for a John Woo gunfight battle scene that takes 30 minutes?


crow: small c, not the man character. i'm gonna claw Bai Ling's eyes out.
Myca: do you get off on this sort of thing?
crow: no, i'm a robot, i need new eyes, new glass eyes.

at the belltower
Michael Wincott: we're both soap-opera hunks with long hair.
Brandon Lee: yes, but my hair CURLS!!! a-HA I WIN!!! you got pierced, dude, i have no tats.

Sarah: people may die, but their love lasts forever. it's a nice thought to hold onto, isn't it?

Weiland: "Big Empty", only found on The Crow soundtrack, not on any Stone Temple Pilots album, strangely. this movie was where you first heard that song, huh. cigarette conversations kill faster than bullets.

Jane Siberry: "It Can't Rain All the Time" is the most beautiful song of all time, it's so poignant and morby, full of the morbs: 

the truest test is when we cannot
when we cannot see
is there something more to believe in?
or is this all there is?
when i awoke i cried again
for you were gone

James O'Barr: i regret ever creating The Crow franchise at all to begin with after Brandon Lee's death, his senseless death brought me back to where it all started when my fiancée was killed randomly by a drunk driver for no reason at all. that's when i stopped believing. look at all the photos of me, i'm sour-faced, i don't smile, i'm stern meeting joyous fans. i want to shake the Marine out of me and experience true love again. i can never get over this, each comic-book page i draw and write and draw DOESN'T HEAL me, it just makes me angrier. this art-therapy thing is not working. g'night folks.

at Macy's, Doryce carries Gladyce and her bare swollen feet over the threshold.
Doryce: we were THERE at the Roman times when this tradition started!!! don't worry, i vanquished the sticky ticky demons from our new home department of the department store myself. let's get to the socks!!!
Gladyce: dear, i want those WHITE SOCKS over there, they're cuter, they're prettier than the dark socks.
Doryce: i know they are, dear, but the black socks protect. you can walk on them without shoes and they'll get dirty but no one will know, the dirt will stay hidden. 
Gladyce: i hate buying brand new socks all the time, it's such a waste.
Doryce: but what is the alternative? are you gonna tape your socks back up?
Gladyce: DUCT TAPE is impossible to walk in.
Doryce: are you gonna sew them?
Gladyce: i don't sew, i'm not old, my MOM sewed. plus i need to protect my spell fingers from pricks. *big heavy sigh* alright, okay, fine.

Gladyce buys a brand-new batch of 20 hardy wool black socks and donates the money to charity in honor of Brandon Lee's living legacy and martial-arts memory helping street kids at his academy. 
Gladyce: black, the color of The Crow.


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