* Boc: nothing like taking that morning walk after you've had no sleep, stayed up the whole night, that first blast of air hits your loopy head and you seriously wonder if you're still an existing entity. i question the tenets of breathing. toilet brush and napkins on the stone stairway to the mall. there's a hole in the bucket, Praise Elijah. OH LOOK hey i don't want to see that mom minivan drop off the school kid right in front of the grocery store, that's rude. oh the kid's wearing a plaid skirt, it's okay then. now see? all i want is for someone to pat me on MY BUTT as we hug along to the entrance of the Bagel Bakery in the morning. QUICK!!! outrun the lady in a blue dress who surprisingly makes a beeline perpendicular to your path from the above stairs. a BRISK WALK is the same as a RUN. Jennifer Pizarro, Jennifer Chad Maker, dad, Mr. Little, i manifest thee unto THE universe and into MY universe. giving the Che Vuoi? fingerpurse hand hex to the wannabe repo man's truck, cursing him good with an Italian hand gesture. and then as you're walking home you see the moon in the blue morning sky so faint it looks like a hologram, and it was all worth it.
* Matthew Perry: i'm off. off dating apps forever. that's not the way to meet people. I DON'T KNOW THE WAY TO MEET PEOPLE but dating apps ain't it.........i know you're not supposed to say that but that's the truth. meeting women in Southern California, there you go.
* Sam & Max: the dog is a detective, the bunny is a.........the bunny is a crazy person.
* microloft in London: where Microsoft Windows 10 goes to die...
* Boc: will there come a time when i wear a beanie on my morning walk? WHOA OH LOOK i mean that creeped me out!!! me!!! there's a giant stuffed teddy bear in the driver's seat!!! along with his dry-cleaning coat in a suffocating long skinny plastic bag hangered on the hook there on the passenger's seat side. the jogging Golden Retriever wears a pink sash now, nice. the Bagel-Bakery slap smell is a DISTINCTIVE ONION waft this time.
Bagel Bakery: you know it never fails to amaze us, no matter how early it is, it could be 5AM and there's a couple in Bagel Bakery sitting sown to some breakfast lox at the far-corner table for date night. well, date morning.Boc: love knows no time. i'll take chilly love. i love handling that cute little plastic door of the water machine to get gallons as i make the turn, i wish that tiny door were glass.
* Fight For The Miracle: the only boxing match you'll ever enter.
* Mark Hapka: did you miss it? HAPKA ON HAPKA!!! 11:11 on 11/11. you missed it didn't you.
* Gladyce: i just realized this now, when i have spaghetti as the Big Meal on Thursday that i have to cook i have to slave over a hot stove, THERE'S NO MEAT!!! i don't eat meat that day!!!
Doryce: Woman cannot live without meat. there's not even any meat in your salad?
* Highway Thru Hell: a piece of the Challenger was found at the bottom of the ocean, whatever you do don't let Jim Cantore get his stubby chubby grubby hands on it.
Jim Cantore: guys.........i'm tired.........don't put the camera on me i'm not in the mood.........i'm grumpy, i haven't slept.........November hurricanes? nah fuck that. i just want to spend the holidays quietly with my family.........i do have a family, you know.
* Leylah Fernandez: fuck, i hate when i cry!!! see? SEE?!!! I TOLD YOU!!! i just lost to Bencic and i personally lost Canada the tie and handed it to Switzerland. this all stems back to that bitch Emma Raducanu!!! she cheated!!! if i had beaten Emma and won that U.S Open, i wouldn't be Canadian anymore!!! i'd be American and married to Chris Evans!!!
* Ron Gronkowski: you can wear the green unitard but you'll never be Lizzo without the flute you studied 10 years at Harvard for.
father: who's in the snowglobe? me and you as a child?
daughter: no that's me and my wife Sue.
father: i should never have bought you that mini Pac-Man arcade cabinet for long drives on the highway.
* Balsam Hill: don't get our Christmas trees. the needle foliage is frosted with our night manager's orgy spunk. our Flip Tree never rights itself up again after it's been flipped. hang a wreath of lights around Grandpa's neck instead.
father: butter on steak? no, i'd rather have a butter pat carved in the shape of a cow. and a sketchy framed picture of Ernie from Sesame Street sunbathing at the Great Lakes.
daughter: the Great Lakes are in Cailfornia?
father: used to be. it doesn't rain in California anymore...
* Office Space Walmart
Gary Cole: yeah i'm gonna need you to go ahead and descale your coffee machine 12 times Monday morning before work starts. OH but not that Keurig K-Express, that thing is SLEEK!!! hopefully this turns out better than that new episode of Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law i did...
* Capital One
me: no, not even TAYLOR SWIFT as a repo man will make me like repo men.
Zach Braff: you make me feel safe like egg nog.
Donald Faison: what?
Zach Braff: wait i got the cue-card posters mixed up.
* Jeep fine print: don't do ANYTHING of the dangerous stunts with our Jeep we're showing you in this commercial. especially not that Mighty Ducks limo-on-ice trick we pulled off with our Jeep and then we cut a circle hole in the ice with a saw and Chilly-Willy'd our fish supper. oh yeah. and the electric charging station shown is just a CONCEPT...
* Best Buy
daughter: i'm going to the playground with dad!!!
mom: have fun!!! watch out for that metal slide at the park!!!
daughter: no we're just gonna go play video games.
mom: that is so depressing. i am so depressed right now that i cannot continue dusting this cake.
* President Zelenskyy: WE'RE NOT JUST GONNA WIN THIS WAR, WE'RE GOING ALL THE WAY!!! WE'RE GONNA TAKE BACK CRIMEA NEXT!!!
President Biden: whoa whoa whoa let's not get crazy, man. let's not get carried away here. you gotta be cool with these things, not say it out loud. be cool, man, be cool, be cool like me, be Joe Cool.
happy weekend, my babies
TOMORROW: the McCrispy!!! can you believe a McDonald's freak since the '80s like me has NEVER tried the McCrispy?!!! it's not just gonna be chicken, right? it's gotta be more...
Post a Comment