Wednesday, October 26, 2022



Mary Katherine Gallagher gets a visit in max prison from all the girls from Notre Dame High School who each wear a blue jumpsuit and red-and-black Harley Quinn wings. MKG has altered her appearance since, which alerts the guards, she's now butch with a shaved head and poofy purple '80s Jem hair and Jared diamond chains around her ankles. 
MKG: thank you for mocking Mary for me, it's cold comfort in here but it's something. i wear the tats of Jared Diamond not the mall shop the futurist.
Marc and Sarah King praying in a Catholic church eating two cylindrical McDonald's apple pies: ...
girls: what do you want us to do, boss?
MKG: Mary's hiding something, find out what it is. spy at an all-boys school if you have to, that's what i'd do, what i'd be doing now if i were free. to explore a schoolgirl's sexuality.
the Notre Dame girls scatter and disperse like Harley Quinn speed-dating until she gets to Joker.

the Mary statue knocks on Laney's door urgently.
Laney: i didn't know i had a door. what's up, babe?
Mary: i'm frittered. i'm scared about my future.
Laney: nah, you'll be fine, it's the rest of us, you know? i consult a futurist instead of a psychiatrist.
Mary: can you do me a HUGE favor?
Laney: anything, babe.
Mary: i slipped you a slip of paper, there, see it here in your palm?
Laney: like a Catholic palmreader.
Mary: don't lose it, keep it around your key chain, it contains my familial.
Lupin III: your origin story?
Mary: yes. where i really come from. i can't let it fall into enemy hands.

the gang having lunch after Sunday Mass at Burger King on Ventura Blvd.
Laney sucking on a french fry: isn't our church rad?
Harrison who dips that french fry in vanilla Frosty: yes. St. Cyril's of Jerusalem in Encino will stay an icon long after our untimely deaths.
Gerry who with puppy-dog eyes above his scruffy beard dips the french fry in poached-egg pepper: don't you love those gothic gold double-doors?
Ryan Stiles sucks Laney's finger and says nothing.

Kyle MacLachlan celebrating Mass on a Thursday afternoon in a furry priest robe delivers the sermon: Twin in two bedrock mountains overlooking a prehistoric valley...

Ian Curtis: love will tear us apart. except when love will bring us together, and it happened for two people because of me. Sam Riley and Alexandra Maria Lara. look at that cheeky smile on Sam's face on his wedding day. mate, the skinny-tie thing, the skinny-tie fad, where did that start anyway? it didn't start with me...

Judge Judy in her courtroom on her bench makes a series of rolled-eyed incredulous faces.
Judge Judy: boobie bar?.........really? a boobie bar?
the court crowd laughs.
the bailiff fires his gun.
the plaintiff does a backflip on the stand.
the defendant wets his pants and exits the courthouse in search of a pair of iron underpants.

The Pope: increasingly more and more i'm seeing nuns watch more and more porn.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: i blame Mary. all nuns are Marian women after all.
The Pope: is this because of MY response, MY tenure? because i'm a woman?.........i don't know but i know it's true cos i'm supplying the porn to these women with my Bend, Oregon Blockbuster card.

The Pope: i mean whatever you think of me, you have to admit that i'm at least living in the real modern world, the digital world not the dogma world, a world where social platforms can access convents. i don't live in Italy in the 1300s... 

Queen Elizabeth II: for the last time, i do NOT have a queen peen. yeah mate scrambled eggs are a snap!!! a Welsh gingersnap. just add some lemon and some...
Charles III: lemon? adding LEMON to the eggs makes them good?
Elizabeth punts Charles in the balls with one swift kick of her high heel which is encrusted with the crown jewels. Charles falls in a heap like a lead sack of potatoes to the palace floor.
Queen Elizabeth II: THAT is the secret ingredient, love. nutmeg.

Boc: Fleshlight Festival not the same as the Flashlight Festival.

Erik ten Hag: that's MY name not my wife Bianca's name.........and the name of her coven of a family.........we ride electric bicycles together down the street.
Simon Cowell: ...

Emma Watson: you're my soul mate, Draco.
Draco: so no sex?
Emma: no. not even a welly to your balls.
Draco: i mean.........honestly i'd rather be your ex-boyfriend.

Boc: i'm scared every time i go out walking in the morning...

Boc: at the end of my morning walk i race to the streetlight and push the button and push the button on my imaginary stopwatch on my wrist pretending i'm a jogger when in fact i'm a walker who doesn't race to buttons to keep time.

Dirg: when you're working alone at Taco Bell on the outskirts of the city of Carmel, it's a gloomy overcast sky all day, it's raining heavily THE ENTIRE SATURDAY, you think there won't be any customers cos of the rain but you still have to serve 40 people 40 tacos that rainy Saturday, THAT is when the depression hits...

Nottingham Forest: Robin Hood invented soccer...

Stu: *deep breath* my my, Cecily Strong, it sure is nice sitting next to you in this bar in Chicago.
Cecily Strong: *looks around* yeah, yeah, it's no Cheers bar but it'll do.........*awkward pause*
Stu: so.
Cecily: there's not gonna be any sex.
Stu: i just thought since this was the off-week from SNL that this.........could be the week that it would happen.

Larimar: i was the only film studio that took risks. i imagined Al Pacino as a leatherclad S&M gay man with a police hat, a gay guy, a messy mook. i also imagined the Crystal Gems from Steven Universe being straight...

Al Gore: i went to court to fight Potpourri, i would have won the Presidency if i had smelled better.

Baldemiro's Taco Shop: we see the sunrise and sunset sunshines FIRST through our window-walls on the hills.

NASA: guys, something weird is happening with our universe right now. it's starting to look like Daniel Radcliffe in Equus...

Steve Blum eating all the holy wafers in a scrunched pile like a Big Mac with smashed sesame buns anime-style: remember, get an agent. i can't stress this enough how important this is, not just in my anime business but all of show business and all business in general, especially your private business. think of the Roman Catholic Church globally worldwide as an EarthShip about to take off from the dug lawn into outer space... 

Lorne Michaels: what is this Goes Wrong Show shit? PBS's answer to Saturday Night Live? fuck PBS. there, i said it.

Jesse Helms in the first row: i boycotted Married With Children.........years later, the Fox Network became my BEST FRIEND.
Married...with Children: hey old man who looks like a corpse, put some RESPEC on our name. that's 3 DOTS!!!

Tory Party: we're the oldest party in the world, OF COURSE we're gonna have some fun, have some flat bubbly, at one of Boris Johnson's three-storie-flat backyard-bbq covid parties...

Ian Curtis: Control (2007), i'm here to tell you, i'm telling you, this film will linger in's the black-and-white of it, you know? will haunt you.

Ian Curtis: would i still be alive today in New Order if Tony Curtis had been my father?...

Three Busy Debras in Sunday-best dresses: yeah our show got canned but we were in the George Harrison "My Sweet Lord" music video, our lives have come full circle and we've reincarnated George-Harrison-style...

cop: you lift weights on your route? YOU?!!!
Boc: a skinny man can't lift weights before work? even tho that's weird. its plausible. it's a plausible explanation for my loitering. i'm freaked out by the mannequins in all the store-window shops, i think they're real people behind glass. i'm also creeped out whenever i walk by an industrial truck and take a look inside the window, i'm afraid i'll see a person in the driver's seat with his seatbelt on staring back at me as i peep and peek.
Boc: everybody wants you to quit. everybody wants you to quit walking, to quit taking your morning walks. the cop, the world, your priest, your inner voice. the key is to not give in to these voices and to continue to morning-walk day after day, year after year, until you achieve a six-pack instead of a gut, for health reasons only.

T. Rowe Price: you'll always remember buying your first Christmas leg lamp. or your first starter home.........i mean some people can only afford ONE HOUSE their whole lives but still...

Jodie Whittaker leads a discussion of Doctor Who at a Sunday-school classroom.
Rubikon: they shafted the black guy!!! did you see that ending? the show knows where their bread is buttered, they knew David Tennant was when the show was at an all-time popularity. shallow ratings grab.
Jodie: it's a difficult decision, innit. a philosophical one, an existential one: do you travel with the Doctor? on the one hand there are times you want to get away from EVERYONE, family, friends, lovers, and never come back. but the more you stay with me the more you realize you HAVE NO LIFE and i'm just a huge distraction from that.
The Clash: should i stay or should i go? still hasn't been answered.

Laertus: the best line was when the Black Doctor goes, "I'm the Doctor, mate, who the HELL are you?!!!" i cracked up.
Black Doctor in a helicopter: i wanted to say fuck there but the BBC has standards. i would have improvised my next line, it would have been to the Master's Jodie Whittaker clothes and dangling earring, if i had my druthers i would have said:

"what is.........all THIS then?"

pointing spider-fingered at the Master.

Eye Luggage: i mean, the erupting volcano in Iceland wouldn't have caused THAT much damage.

Vinder: Venger is not my daddy, Pedro Martinez is. my last line should have been:

"thank you Doctor, for helping me, for helping ME, little ol ME with my tiny problem. a wormhole to get home."

Yaz: me carrying the Doctor in the typical traditional Hollywood leading-man way was a nice touch.

Bob Barker: i'm in the Doctor Who Companion Support Group at the YMCA...

Boc: when you morning-walk, keep still and notice the birds.
power-washer on Boc's trail: i'm a poor power-washer. pobre power-washer. it's not my fault my little machine makes HELLA noise, everyone scatters to avoid me, they take alternate stairs, it's like i'm a dentist with a drill.

Cozy Cloister in Carmel: where Cotard secretly lives...
Codrus: and parties...

in Tatiana's studio Mardith is lain down naked on the massage table as Tatiana drips dots of red and yellow on her chest.
Mardith, blindfolded and smiling: i can't see what gooey thing is going on my body!!! is it hot candlewax?!!!
Tatiana: ketchup and mustard.
Mardith: even better.

Boc: my walks are sunrise walks, i walk greeting the sun. many a time i take the long way and walk across the lawn garden of St. Cyril's, which is kinda creepy. my forehead feels like a block of ice, it's a BRISK walk as in a CHILLY walk...

Trent Reznor in Confessional: i think i fucked up, father.
Father Navin: don't get too dark in here and tell me your troubles, son.
Trent: Tori Amos is in the booth with me, on my lap. she tells me i fucked up.
Tori Amos: you did. i'm into dark boys, obviously, i was into you but you rejected me.
Trent: not technically, all i said was i was too busy for you. work.
Tori: so i went to Neil Gaiman, another dark guy. now we share EVERYTHING.
Neil Gaiman: we share story ideas and song ideas, like we're married. but we're not, we just fuck in the cemetery moonlight.

Father Navin knocks on Shia LaBeouf's door.
Shia LaBeouf: i didn't know i had a door here. what's up, baby?
Father Navin: it's Toys for Tots season.
Shia: already? that's not a Christmas thing?
Navin: we're starting early at Halloween. help me, it'll do good for your soul.
Shia: wonders for my soul, my soul right now is the size of a nutmeg. okay where do i go to round up the kids?
Navin: please refrain from using that term. just do the usual things to coax them into coming in to fix their lives: Halloween cake, not full bars but packages of 6 full bars of chocolate, going to McDonald's to steal the toys from the Happy Meals, rainbow Fentanyl, recyclable Beanie Babies, '80s cartoons...

Navin: speaking of which...
Shia: i'm way ahead of you, Father. we're already in the den. remember that Muppet Babies episode "Nice To Have Gnome You"? see when i saw it the first time i didn't get the references but now that i watch it as an adult i've SEEN BOTH MOVIES!!! that Labyrinth wall Miss Piggy negotiated tho. 
Miss Piggy: i wish i had negotiated David Bowie in my dressing room into my contract.
Shia: and The Witches, those gnomes and demons, not talking about Anjelica Huston. Jim Henson properties.
Navin: hey did you notice all the stuff in this episode for adults? the lines of dialogue which would fly over kids' heads.
Shia: i know, RIGHT?!!! it's brilliant to go back and understand this stuff now: making whoopee in the swamp, librarians who can't get laid, and NANNY'S REAL FACE!!!
Navin: they revealed what she looks like?
Shia: no but in the modern reboot there's a scene where Nanny comes to the door and you see in her shadow what her hairstyle finally looks like...

Navin: Spider-Man and His Amazing Friends, loved that show. so cheesy, stilted-as-fuck animation, but the stories were great. when i watched that show i felt as a 4th-grader i could come up with stories like that.
Shia: writing for TV is a cinch. i feel ya, padre. yeah, Angelica tho, Firestar, she was one righteous babe. did you see that episode where Spidey falls in love with the Girl From Tomorrow? Firestar is okay with this, she says

Firestar: and Spidey, she's WONDERFUL.

no jealousy whatsoever. she supports Spidey!!! and in that episode when they think they've lost their friend and roommate Peter Parker forever Firestar gives him a farewell kiss ON THE MOUTH the way the fans wanted!!! that's pretty bold for a children's cartoon!!! 
Navin: it was the '80s.
Shia: i practiced in front of the mirror whooshing myself inside a block of ice, turning naked, then punching my way out of the block of ice...

Navin: my biggest takeaway was how Angelica got coffee for her father, Firestar used TAP WATER to make coffee!!! you go girl. reminds me of the priest kitchenette break room we have here.

Shia: you know, Spider-Man and His Amazing Friends was the first time i felt deep depression, first time i experienced a wave of dread come over me. that was the first show series i finished, the first time the kid of me watched the LAST episode of something. the show would never be new to me again and i FELT that, i felt so COLD inside, there was a peach pit in my knees as i contemplated as a little boy the concept of endings.
Navin: want me to go get Iceman for you?

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Ian Curtis: the thing is, i did everything TOO YOUNG. i married too young. i died too young. i just wanted to be the boy with the melodica.

Eye: Lupin III: Dead or Alive and go.
Monkey Punch: hi. I directed this thing. myself. I AM NEVER DIRECTING AGAIN!!! WAY too much work for a measly movie which made no money. it has since been reassessed as a classic film box office be damned. yeah that's nice and all but i didn't receive one penny in my coffers from this. all those late nights eating McDonald's and getting fat at the office for no fame. i don't care about money anymore cos i'm dead.

Monkey Punch: the computer graphics in this are cool!!! that was all me. LESS work with computer graphics, let the computer do it. i wanted the original Macintosh computers to be in this cartoon, those cute tiny computers that look like a slice of bread, but Steve Jobs hadn't invented them yet.
Lupin: i got my red jacket on this time, my ketchup jacket. wait am i gonna sound weird like Krillin or like my usual cool voice? its weird how i've never had a French accent this whole time. 

Spanky: take me back to a simpler time, Lupin!!! break me out of prison and let me heal aboard the hospital boat of the Red Cross Rascals.

Zufu: we coulda been Wakanda...

Jigen: so this is basically Iran, right?
Goemon: am i sexless? no seriously, i really need to know. the sword jokes are getting a bit much.

nanomachines: still new in the '90s. faster than that guy who talked fast in the '80s selling cars the size of a dime...

Prince Panish: i punish those who don't like bread. 
Oleander: make that bread with oil butter.
General Headhunter: i wanted to be a spy but my name...

Headhunter: this coup was necessary, the country's TAXING YOU UP THE WAZOO. everything will be fine with a flat tax enforced with this flat sword. 
Goemon: flaccid's not funny.
Headhunter: a country has always done better after a coup...

Emera: i'm green with envy, you can see it in my eyes. cigarette ash is healthy for you if you eat it...

Fujiko: okay will i use my BODY or my brains to solve THIS caper? a little of both as it turns out, tho i start off in a Mortal Kombat tournament in a pink leotard in honor of Olivia Newton-John. fighting a butch Amazon woman, that is so '90s callous. 
Amazon: how do you think i feel, i got my tits pierced with spikes!!!
Fujiko: that's the fashion these days, everybody's getting everything pierced. i TOLD you i was small but flexible and into bondage.

Oleander: this is starting to look like Castle of Cagliostro. right? with the princess rooms of banners and the hallways in Medieval castles with those long stretches of grey-rubble stone walkways in the clouds. 
Monkey Punch: the difference being i DIDN'T DIRECT Castle of Cagliostro and ate fried biscuits the rest of the time.

Crisis: yes. my name is Crisis. am i a good guy or a bad guy? do i SOLVE crises or CAUSE crises?

Fujiko: sigh. in Hollywood you're either a secretary or a whore. fine i'll PRETEND to be a secretary to the REAL Emera. is that you?
Emera: i hate my father the king, he keeps me cooped up in my bedroom high in this tower and i don't have long hair.
Fujiko: locked up more like. he's your stepfather, right? hey let's do the ol' switcheroo trick!!! i'll pretend i'm reading to a dummy under the covers of the bed. let's use a hot water bottle for your head.
Emera reaches.
Fujiko: HEY!!! those aren't hot water bottles, those are my tits!!!

Fujiko: your father being held prisoner is the famous Dr. Voltsky? the same Voltsky who invented the electric vibrator?!!!
Emera: yeah. the king the dick said he was dead and psychologically wounded me.
Fujiko: i know but can a man really design a vibrator?

Oleander: i'm working undercover at this Cheers bar. i have a freezer that plugs into a solar panel. want a White Claw? 
Crisis: you better not be part of the resistance. the Resistance wants to raise your taxes.
Panish: hi, i'm gonna win this. look how media-savvy i am, look how good i look on TV!!!
Zenigata: it's weird but i've never had handcuffs on before. the floaty feeling on my wrists, it's kinky, i'm getting into this.

Fujiko: the pendant is the key.
Oleander: i got it at Jared.
Fujiko: no your pendant is LITERALLY a key.

Fujiko: okay boys i get my cut of 75% of the loot, i helped with the computer stuff. 
Gerry: i'm good with computers.........anyone?.........there's a reverb in this cave...
Fujiko: those computer classes at San Diego State finally paid off.

security nanomachines: we're made of gold cos gold is secure. gold is the securest commodity.

Crisis, dying, getting squashed by nanomachines: turns out i had an existential crisis WITHIN ME.

Lupin: i'm so cool i threw this bullet instead of shooting it from a gun and it worked the same way, good thing the tendril was wrapped in an arm-cast and listens to Soundgarden. if you rub the firing pin with butter it has the same effect as shooting it.

Headhunter: come on, don't you guys watch Power Rangers? the bad guy after dead always comes back as a giant robot or a giant kaiju or something.

Fujiko: YEEHAW!!! LOOK AT ME SWIMMING IN MONEY!!! i'm naked on top of this big pile of gold dust, now i can pay off that crooked KGB agent Scrooge McDuck and i don't have to FUCK A DUCK!!! i'm so relieved.

Goemon, crying: i used to be so stoic. i samurai-sliced Headhunter and he turned into the perfect husband for Stevie Nicks. i feel so bad for Stevie Nicks...

Data: i could marry Stevie Nicks. i need to learn robot sex before my son's bar mitzvah. 
Dr. Noonien Soong in a labored voice: i'm Often Wrong but not about this: android asexuality is a fiction.

Zenigata: LUPIN!!!
Lupin: take my hand, Pops. my fake hand.
Zenigata: ewwwww this hand is covered in mayonnaise!!!

Oleander: the revolution is dead. all revolutions die, but does love die?
Prince Panish: this country's gonna be alright, i've been in a wheelchair this whole time...

Jigen: i'm going west to Disneyland, i love kids and having kids.
Goemon: i'm Asian so of course i go to the East.
Fujiko: i'm heading to a beach in right-wing Brazil to sunbathe topless in the nude. my Donald is waiting for me there...
Donald Duck in Donald Duck voice: SHE is why i joined the Navy.
Lupin: going to visit my real father Santa Claus...
Laertus: nice touch, very clever, very nice with the four Lupins actually the four points of a compass.

Oleander: awww that's cute the two of us having our moment, kissing bathed in moonlight in a pub through the secret-bunker pub's only window.
Panish: yes. blast-shelter smooch. blast-shelter buss. we're kissing ON THE LIPS i might add. the music swells in romantic overtures the Overture of Love. sweet moment as we stare into each other's blue from the moonlight.
Oleander: kiss by eclipse. eclipse kiss. the Solar Eclipse out tonight, retrograde of Jupiter.
Dirg: Jupiter's Claim Is For Lovers. g'night folks.

Laney reads the slip.
Laney: oh i get it now, this is about your being.
Mary, crying, hugs Laney like a sister. a blood sister not a nun.
Mary wiping away tears from her robe: yes. i was born right here on these grounds. my real name is Magdalena. i am the daughter of Lili St. Cyr.



No comments: