* Doug: i bowl to be part of a team.
woman: we ain't counting that if i can't be Naruto.
Doug: the ball distracted me from my 7-10 split, it's too yellow. and my glove is too yellow.
Limu Emu: i fight for all the brontosauruses who had to have stone bowling balls slide down their backs for show, cos Fred thought it'd be cute.
* Toyota voicemail
daughter: dad, it's not embarrassing when i receive a voicemail form you. only parents send voicemails now, not texts. but we need your strong deep baritone voice to SPEAK your words or the commercial doesn't have the same impact. Darth Vader retired.
dad: thank you, my daughter. sorry for naming you Bug...
gecko: yeah i mean during the AHHHHH you have to actually scream AAAAHHH not say the word "ah."
Starbucks barista: ah, uh-huh, yea now i see now i get it.
* Olive Garden Neverending Pasta Bowl: R.I.P. Jonathan Brandis. also, that's not pasta, those are nuts. like, metal nuts as in nuts and bolts. they're remarkably spongy to eat cos our pasta sauce is EXTRA thick. the chicken strips in the pasta alfredo are dry tree branches...
* Chipotle: our mistake putting garlic in the guajillo. the only spice needed was the guajillo...
* Subaru dogs: we may be blind. we may need a wheelchair. we may have three legs. but we continue on cos that's what Layne Staley would have wanted. can we get a sincere Amen.
* Tatiana at her massage parlor: i slipped in the shower so i changed to the tub. but it was a slipper bathtub...
Mardith: Victorian is very venal. those Victorian tubs are naughty.
* Michael Weiss: all Instagram DM comments are
* beer bulge: so your heart of glass doesn't shatter in a million pieces...
* Kim K: okay Pete you ready for our roleplay?
Pete Davidson: okay but i'm feeling sightly uncomfortable. my body can't pull off the Burt Reynolds '70s look.
Kim K: don't worry the bearskin rug is a fake bear. the bearskin rug is Yogi Bear.
Pete: okay i'm the fireplace and you're the grandma.
Kim: no i'm the fireplace and YOU'RE the grandma, you and my grandma have the same body type...
William Shatner naked by the fireplace on a real bearskin rug: Pete, i will be your father from now on. every boy needs his father. what happened to your dad, where is he? did he run off with a green waitress? that way through me you'll experience space secondhand.
Pete: i mean you're cool but you don't have much time left.
Kim K: baby want me to pay for another Blue Origin flight?
Pete: i want to go to space to escape myself.
* dragon: don't drag me.
* wet corn: a bad bathroom experience
* butter boards: Betty Crocker as the crabby PTA Head
* Boc: hot girl walks? THAT'S WHAT I DO!!! I STARTED THAT TREND!!!
* seedmilk: not semen, that's milkseed. seedmilk is HIGH in calcium...
happy weekend, my babies
TOMORROW: Royal Chicken Sandwiches? finally? this week? are they still there? still at Burger King? the SWISS one in honor of Roger's retirement. with swiss cheese and broccoli. at FIRST, and then you know i'll try the other ones at a later date.
the Cartoon Network thing, what does this mean? is the Cartoon Network CHANNEL no more? is it a channel anymore? has the channel been ERASED from the program-listings menu on Xfinity? i tried it on my TV today and it was working fine. whatever you do you can't take the ANIME away from us. especially not THIS WEEK!!! the LAST Lupin is on this week, the one that explains EVERYTHING that's been going on for 6 years now, we gotta see THAT ONE!!!