Wednesday, October 5, 2022


Laney: i mean was bitchin' an '80s word? cos i don't ever recall it being one. of course back then i was a kid on the playground so that word didn't exactly have occasion to come up.
Ryan Stiles: unless you got a bitchin' line-drive serve on the tetherball court.
Gerry: i do recall it being uttered one time within my earshot, but it was by Scott Baio.
Harrison: i heard wait no that was the bully calling me a bitch cos he said i played tetherball like a wimp, sorry.

Laney: that's okay, i got called Lamey as a kid. and why is our little choir corner a waterslide now?
Gerry: money. nobody goes to church anymore. this isn't the Catholic Church of the 1980s.
Laney: THAT'S IT!!! THAT'S WHERE I HEARD IT!!! yeah i faintly recall vaguely piece together the foggy memories of one time my parents taking me to Raging Waters in their beat-up Volvo station wagon. there i met and fell head-over-heels-in-love-at-first-sight with a cute blond surfer who had just earned his swimmer's license. that was the first time i'd ever seen a boy take his shirt off.
Gerry: yeah, bitchin' is a total surfer word. surfers invented the term. what became of this surfer you were so infatuated with?
Ryan: had taken your heart so.
Harrison: ...
Laney: oh he's Sean Penn now. it could have been a controversial decision to date him in the diocese, you know? i like his face that looks like a clay puppet but he's too political for me, i just want to have fun in a marriage. i called him one time and told him since he was always so fidgety and itchy and antsy and spastic about world events he should run for President.
Harrison: yeah why does Sean Penn always have a camera in his hand and he's interviewing the latest newsmaker the next day? does he work for Good Morning America?
Sean Penn: i'd never win. i'd never win the Presidency. Bernie can't win, AOC can't win.

Gutierrez Drive In: Gutierrez carnitas, perfect rhyme

Michael Weiss: all guys want Instagram yoga babes, all girls want Instagram rappers.

Erik's DeliCafe: the next time we come to Carmel, we won't rent out a big-ass barn, that rent was WAY too expensive.
David Foster Wallace: i enjoyed that barn's high beams during raves...

the parrot from the Pirates of the Caribbean ride: i should be squawking out everybody's name in the boat as it exits the way E.T. does...

me at the Abalonetti oyster bar: i could never eat this stuff.........unless it was DROWNED in 100 gallons of tabasco sauce.
Doryce: honey, just point me in the direction of the wine button.
Stanley Tucci: and the tiny stone Medieval wine window...

The Quail & Olive: the perfect Medieval tavern name.
Melissa Maker: i'm just here for the high-end scented vinegars...

Boc takes his 7:30 AM walk every morning through The Barnyard.
Boc: it's my morning constitutional. even tho i'm a YOUNG gay man, not the captain from Are You Being Served. i don't like pea-sized cocks.
captain from Gilligan's Island: ...
Boc: why is it that the only cars driving around the parking lots in the early morning are heavy-duty trucks? i like heavy-duty men. that ain't the smell of bagels in the morning, that's the smell of hotel steak in the morning!!!

fountain: why am i on at all hours of the night? my flow never stops. that's a waste of water...

Cecily Strong: okay when they FINALLY film my SNL Season 48 intro name card, it better be of me on a Broadway stage.
Lorne Michaels: it'll be you on a tiny stage in Los Angeles...

Madame Wu: ...
Madame Pons: Madame Wu was a friend of mine, she was my friend, we madams have to stick together.
Madame Wu: yeah look at my Rolls, i was born in Beverly Hills, too!!! Over the Garden Wall is based on a Chinese myth.
Tyler, the Creator: based. based comedy is what we do. it's Tyler with a comma...
Madame Wu: i served Chinese cuisine to Dan Quayle? i don't remember him. Dan Quayle LIKED my broccoli!!! i kicked Ms. Swan outta my restaurant. Ms. Swan from MADtv sucks.

Britney Spears's mom: what happened to the world? the only way i can contact my own daughter is to leave a comment on her Instagram...

Alex Moffat: forget Cecily Strong, NOBODY NOTICED AT ALL THAT I LEFT SNL!!!...

GoBots: we're allowed to transform, we just can't make the Transformers sound.
Rubikon: did you see that?!!! that was glorious!!! in the GoBots episode "Quest for New Earth" a black man and a white woman will populate a planet!!! 
Geraldo Rivera: why does one of the colonists look like me with my '80s mustache?...

Kate Darling: why is my Wikipedia photo an oil painting? i'm into robotics. i'm holding in my hand a mechanical lizard named Kevin...

Liz Truss: i like to be trussed up with rope like a Thanksgiving turkey for foreplay.........wait Thanksgiving is just an Americans-on-holiday thing, right?

me: coffee yes, caramel no.
tan M&Ms in a Christmas bowl oven-baked in art class by a kindergartener for his mom in the '80s: ...

Frasier from Frasier: why did America like me back then? because nobody knew i was a Republican, everyone just thought i was smart...

Carmen Dell'Orefice singing on a country stage: "I was a goldsmith's daughter..."

Eye Luggage: Valley Girl (1983) and go.
Frank Zappa: I INVENTED THE WORD "VALLEY GIRL"!!!!!!!!! that whole concept is MINE!!!

Laertus's dad: i mean we have to talk about the Sherman Oaks Galleria in the '80s. my first taste of pizza EVER.
Nic Cage: can we talk about those carpets in that place? carpeted corner-to-corner in every nook and cranny around every elevated circular rotunda, even the spiral staircases and glass-elevator floors had that weird brown carpet. 
Nic Cage's father: YOU think something's weird, son?
Biden: the carpet was orange...

Deborah Foreman: hi. i'm Deborah Foreman. you don't know me. i played Julie Richman in Valley Girl. Richman, get it?  i don't do anything anymore. i mean i teach art school but everyone teaches art school. every woman teaches art and teaches yoga. there's a reason why i wasn't on the director's commentary track when this movie was deluxed for the 30th anniversary. it's a mystery, huh? i kinda got my heart broken on this set, my life ruined, and i don't want to relive those memories, i want to pretend i never did this movie or ANY movie...

Nic Cage: when you look at me in this film, in this piece of art, look at the crooked teeth of my goofy smile every time i laugh. study my laugh. and my lanky frame. and realize that THIS is the same actor, the same man, who's gonna do Leaving Las Vegas later...
Nic Cage: and not get paid for Leaving Las Vegas i might add, just win the Oscar for it...

Lee Purcell: i'm the MILF of this and thus the main character. well the most interesting character. there's nothing quite like milf porn. i look like an older Molly Ringwald in the '80s...

Elizabeth "E.G." Daily: you know me, i was in every movie in the '80s as the friend. all i can say about this one is i'm glad i didn't end up being the ONLY GIRL who had to show her tits...

Frederic Forrest: i was looking so '60s, so '70s here, PERFECT for this. i got my Geraldo stache on.
Colleen Camp: it's PERFECT that the two of us are working together again as the parents. y'all find out later...

Rick Dees on the radio in the hills: Rick Dees here In The Morning at The Valley, KROQ. looking for someone who can answer my WKRP in Cincinnati trivia question for two tickets to see an up-and-coming band called Guns N Roses at the mall. Axl Rose just got off the bus this morning...

Rick Dees: oh and i'm still waiting for my Jetsons: The Movie sequel callback.........or prequel callback, that would make more sense.

Laertus: Mulholland Dam, iconic shot of L.A.
Dirg: Los Angeles? again? sigh. another one of these movies where THE ENTIRE WORLD is Los Angeles and the haves and have-nots are represented by Beverly Hills and Hollywood Blvd. it's kind of a stretch. there's a whole big wide world out there, COUNTRY out there. what about Montana?
Tom Petty: ...
Laertus: Romeo and Juliet can only be contained by a conglomerate city like L.A.

Laertus's dad: here it comes, the opening shot of the Sherman Oaks Galleria as it was MEANT to be seen IN ALL ITS GLORY.
E.G. Daily: for sure. totally rad. mondo awesome. bitchin'. gnarly. yeah i had no idea what a Valley girl sounded like, i'm from Malibu. so i just went with a Malibu accent. i had the idea for Malibu Barbie based on my look, but Mattel stole it from me.
Tyler, the Creator: based off of...

E.G.: Hot Dog on a Stick? more like Blowjob on a Stick, amirite? that's how all girls practiced. hey you wanna know what the greatest form of birth control is? swallowing his cum.
other Valley Girls: EWWWWWWWW that's GRODY!!!!!!!!! i'm sure.
E.G.: no trust me it's awesome, my name is Loryn like the lavender hand cream. i just wish i had thought of that form of birth control when i was dating a seedy videographer who suddenly became a poker player...

Tommy: you WILL come back to me, Julie!!! look at all you mall rats, i wish i had a big hairspray can of rat exterminator fluids to pump into you.
Deborah Foreman: what?
Tommy: sorry. i don't know what i'm talking. i'm a trust-fund kid with blond hair wearing a sweater and i can't play football.
E.G.: electric escalators are still cool in the '80s, they're still new, you know?

at the beach.
Nic: where's the party?
Fred: Reseda.
Nic: oh. forget it.

Eye: oh Mrs. Suzi's Mom Beth, you were doing so well. i was loving your sophisticated-older-woman look but why'd you have to go after your own daughter's boyfriend!!! that is so TACKY!!!

Nic: what is this? crudité? hors-d'oeuvres? charcuterie? what'd you put on this silver serving tray thingy? snacks?
Lee: sushi.
Nic: we're punks from down the street. we get our sushi from gas stations.

Laertus's dad: okay THIS was an '80s tradition i was not aware of. as i never partook of the whole thing where everyone goes upstairs and there's, like, two doors to two bedrooms and the guys switch around and divvy up the girls to bed in each of the bedrooms, taking turns, knocking, time's up, you only have like ten minutes to do it before the parents got back to their bed. carpeted hallways.
E.G.: are we gonna have sex? i have a lace bra.
Tommy: you're kinda skanky, you know that? you're a skeezer. you're cheating on your best friend with his fella.
E.G.: i feel bad. i'm hoping you turn out to be Ryan Gosling or something, you can maybe pass for Ken one day...

Nic: TURN THIS PINTO AROUND!!! nobody's gonna tell ME who i can and cannot fuck. we had chemistry.
Nic's friend Fred: yeah but you flunked out of Chemistry.

Nic: and now i hide in a tub-shower in a stall in the bathroom like a creeper, like some extra on that Smashing Pumpkins "1979" music video.........and wait.........and wait.........and wait. why is everyone smoking cigarettes and talking about their periods while applying lipstick? oh yeah that's still cool now. why is there a giant bush in the middle of this bathroom? this bathroom is the Balcony Scene...

Tommy: hey you wanna score some drugs?
E.G.: after all that you're gonna offer me drugs now? what are these, your daddy's designer drugs?
Tommy: mint-dotted Lifesavers, they send me.

at the club.
50 Cent: ...
Nic: *over the noise*: i have to talk loud cos this music is RAD. 
Julie: what's so great about it?
Nic: you guys are rich robots. these are the REAL PEOPLE. the dirty grimy sticky people who have to earn a paycheck made of dimes. the gutter rats and the beggars. we PUNK. look at that band playing up there, it's Elvis Costello's kid.
Elvis Costello's kid's band: get ready for the first math-rock song...

Julie: we have an opposites-attract connection, we have a link, i can't explain it.
Nic: is the string of fate red or yellow in your butterfly dream?...
Paula Abdul: my prom date Keanu Reeves is gonna be a big movie star someday just like you, Nic...

Nic: cruising down Hollywood Boulevard in a Pinto. the wind in my greaser hair. and River Phoenix still alive at the club. life is good. let's make this the perfect relationship, let's go to the glowing-marquee cinema house over there on the corner and watch Bob's Big Boy: The Movie...

Julie's parents: remember when we did Apocalypse Now together?
Cynthia "Cyndi" Wood: I REMEMBER YOU TWO!!! i was in Apocalypse Now, too!!! hey if you guys ever want to go cruising down Van Nuys Blvd. for old times' sake look me up in the yellow pages!!! this movie is APPROACHING softcore porn...
Frederic Forrest: we can't tell our daughter we used to fuck in such a dank way like depraved lunatics. i mean the things i did to you in that film...
Colleen Camp: yeah, that stuff never happens in the original. it always just happens in the redux. because you need a director's commentary track...

parents: we know what it's like to be young, Sex Drugs and Rock n Roll.
Julie: hey!!! this isn't the Age of Aquarius anymore!!!
Laertus's dad: THERE IT IS!!! THERE'S THE LINE!!! as i turn my phoenix gold necklace medallion around to catch the sun i declare that THIS is the greatest line of dialogue in film history!!! the reference to Hair SENDS me. and makes this a worthy movie to watch.  

at the hippie health-food store.
wife: honey we ran out of riboflavin but still got B12.
husband: crush some Flintstones Vitamins into the salad...

Tommy: that fag Julie's with will send her. down the wrong path. he won't marry her. punks are dangerous, they see the world differently...
Laertus: oh yeah back then the only thing highschoolers did was be on prom committee...

Julie: dad, whom should i choose? Randy or Tommy?
dad: good English, honey. i don't know, follow your heart or something. 
Julie: who's the other woman in that 1960s B&W photograph you're holding?
dad: the woman i should have married instead of your mom, don't tell your mom that. she wore a better beret.

me: okay so i don't have to remind you the driver's-test scene is coming up, another one, and i can't go through that again, i can't take it anymore i explained all this the last time. i can't take the TRAUMA anymore and will be covering my eyes through the remainder of ALL this driving-test portion of getting your DMV license in Greater L.A. with a drive through Lower L.A. 
Mr. Maldark, Less, and Deen leave the cinema hangdog heads down in disappointment...

Deborah Foreman: Martha, you're a cool director, but i can't do this scene, it's too emotional for me, i can't say these lines, you want me to break up with Nic Cage but i'm dating Nic Cage in real life.
Nic: i know how you can do this scene. think of me RIGHT AFTER filming wraps on this movie when i dump you and make my fortunes in Hollywood BIG time.
Deborah: why didn't we work out, Nic? what does Patricia Arquette have that i don't have?
Nic: teeth, her teeth match my teeth better, that's all. all three of us have toothy smiles but Patricia's is EXTRA, you know?

at the club.
Randy's ex-girlfriend: wanna get randy? you can push me up against a bathroom stall and we can fuck in the bathroom after hours.
Randy: i dunno, the club bathroom is like a dive bathroom, it has graffiti all over the walls, it's filthy, full of mucus, no toilets whatsoever. plus why is that the only room with red lights?
Randy's ex-girlfriend: i'll always be here. at this club. 10 years from now, whenever you need an easy lay. whenever you need a fuck to forget. i'll be right here waiting, even in the '90s. i'll still be wearing this high Joan Jett hairdo...

Nic to the low-riders: you want to fight, chicos? 
low-riders: no man, no ese, you're cool, we don't want your ear, you're the only gringo who's seen La Bamba at a matinee. 
Nic: i want to bring humanity together with my movies. plaid isn't just for the grungers. plaid is for Cypress Hill, too.. 

in the girls' bedroom.
Rick Dees: Tommy wants to let his common-law wife Julie know she's the one for him, so on top of his ID bracelet chained to her he's mailed her one of those ice-cream spoons with the long necks from Carvel and he wants her know what? let's not do these phone requests anymore...   

Nic: hey wanna go see a 3D movie?
Tommy: 3D technology sounds cool!!
Nic: yeah but it's not Avatar in there, it's some one-minute Pixar computer test...

Laertus: okay so the best part of this movie is the SUBPLOT involving Lee Purcell the bodacious ginger Molly milf and her kept-boy cabana-boy young man Skip whom she wants to fuck and the kid really has no choice cos of the uneven power dynamic. THAT is hot. or it would have been. i mean that scene where Skip brings her groceries over in a brown bag was straight out of a Simi Valley porn outside on the back lawn with the pool at golden hour with the light fading...
Lee: drop the delivery. drop the bag, i know there're Doritos in there, i can see the red triangle.
Skip: ma'am?
Lee: listen, boy, you wanna be a man? you want to be on Family Ties? i can make that happen for you. Suzi your girlfriend will be back soon.
Skip: you mean Suzi your daughter? 
Lee: HURRY!!! you have to decide RIGHT NOW whether or not we take our clothes off in front of each other, you have ONE MINUTE to determine our fates.........time's up, it's too late. you coulda had a naked milf in my bed.
Energizer Bunny: i really learned about Time and Consequences from this scene.

Laertus: but this movie COPS OUT!!! the naked girl in the foggy-glass shower is the daughter. the DAUGHTER!!! the daughter and Skip have sex in a generic bed, that's BORING!!! we want the juicy saucy taboo storyline where there's a scene of milf Lee Purcell's big butt bouncing up and down in Lee Purcell's boudoir cos the MOM is fucking Skip!!!
Suzi: stepmom. and i really did need that paperback copy of Queen Arthur lent back to me by Skip at the foot of the spiral staircase, it was the school library's.
Skip: maybe it was my bike around the cul-de-sacs of Canoga Park lined with all-wood big-barn house mansions. my bicycle had no E.T. milkcrate in the front.
Laertus: to all this i say BOO BOO BOO!!! boo, Movie, boo.

mom: honey, the kids are here!!! we gotta take the pre-prom picture!!! 
dad: i'll be right out with the camera. i'm smoking marijuana in the tub.
Dirg: WOW. dude is wearing a PINK TUX. a PINK TUX? that is a CHOICE for a supposed macho man...
dad: look at that, i left the lens cap on.
Julie: dad you're embarrassing me!!! next time get a Polaroid camera!!!

Takahashi: oh yeah back then the prom limos were just good standard-size Buicks. with tiny purple stage-curtains covering the back window...

Valley Sheraton Hotel: we still exist. but we merged with the Sherman Oaks Galleria which was a double disaster, we ruined both of us. NEVER join with an icon...

me: there's never fries at a prom. they never serve french fries at prom...
Mardith: right? dump ketchup in the punchbowl!!! make that prom punchbowl SAUCE. hey look who's up there playing as the prom band!!! it's Bif Naked!!!

school librarian: i wanted to be prom queen, my life woulda been better.
Julie Brown staring at a cul-de-sac manhole cover: not necessarily...

Laertus's dad: take it from someone who knows scripts, whenever you write yourself into a corner with no way out: FOOD FIGHT.
Laertus: thanks, dad.

Nic: Driver, take us to Lazer Tag posthaste.
chauffeur: what's that? where's that?
Nic: the Sherman Oaks Galleria. it just opened up.
chauffeur: oh.

Julie: i'll just take off Tommy's ID bracelet he had on my wrist made me wear it and chuck it out the limo window.
Mardith: i mean what's up with these ID bracelets? that's a FUCKED-UP part of the '80s i missed. high-school boys can't OWN high-school girls!!!
Laney: right? me, too. i saw jelly ID bracelets which in a way was worse.

Cyndi Lauper: okay so i know no one wants to talk about the reboot but we HAVE to talk about the reboot and i'm the one who has to talk about the reboot. there's no Cyndi Lauper in the original movie. there's a Cyndi Lauper in the Valley Girl reboot, NOT played by me. so there you go. that's something, right? wanna hear about my skin condition?.........i still have the skin condition.........nothing's healed.
E.G. Daily: in the reboot i now play the MILF of Valley Girl!!! Lee Purcell's role. HOW COOL IS THAT!!! natural progression. that's the PERFECT full CIRCLE.

E.G. Daily: i have a dream. the same one you have. you have seen me all throughout the '80s. i was a big-enough singer i was the musical guest on SNL at one point. i never became Madonna or anything but i still have that Rugrats money coming in so i'm content. when i think of myself singing at the mall it's always the same: me in a pink leotard with Molly Ringwald legwarmers and a Jane Fonda headband. and a sherbet-orange fluffy furry hairy kneepad for a belt. and i'm singing Nine Inch Nails's "Mr. Self Destruct" the way Olivia Newton-John sang "Let's Get Physical".
Trent Reznor: you know, i would LOVE to hear that!!! my early beats were basically just Madonna house club beats. 
E.G.: and i'm dancing around an abandoned buzzy chartreuse-lit karate studio. life is good. g'night, folks.



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