Mary Katherine Gallagher looks the Mary statue square in the eye.
MKG: i'm ready for you, bitch.
Laney: what's this all about then.
MKG: oh i'm just 'bout to have a bout with this Mary statue here, i see her mocking me.
Laney: it's not alive. it's made of fine marble. Mary is a fine woman.
MKG: i know i'm ugly, she's mocking me cos she's also named Mary but she's hot. and the Daughter of God. so we're gonna settle it right here right now on church grounds so the result will be sanctified.
MKG smells her armpits to get ready, she takes a GIANT whiff.
Harrison: yeah i do that too, i smell my ballsac like that, before dates.........DURING dates.
Gerry: i can't eat meat ever since i saw you do that at the diner, Harrison. i only have Big Salads now.
Ryan Stiles: i smell my brain on dates.
MKG: the sound of rumbling against ropes...
MKG: the only real music is electronica.
Mary: no the only real music is post-punk.
MKG: well then there you go. so get ready to DIE for your beliefs.
Daphne from Scooby-Doo: when i stand up straight, why does my hip point completely off to one side ignoring the sky?
bracero: you can be a future dentist if you want, you can be anything in this country...
Jennifer Westhoven: when i see myself on TV, when i see me behind that CNN HLN Headline News newsdesk like that, i see my FAT enormous giant big tits in a warm fuzzy beige Fall sweater, i know i'm gonna be okay. these tits will give me a good life.
Rubikon: it's surreal because i do want to try new CBD pills by mail, but not the DR. OZ new CBD pills, you know?
Mardith: you won't BELIEVE what i found in my mom's medicine cabinet this morning.
Tatiana: you shouldn't be snooping in there, mate.........soul mate.
Mardith: i know but.........that's not the point. CBD GUMMIES were in my mom's medicine cabinet!!! i never thought in a BILLION years i'd live LONG enough to see that!!!
Madame Pons: i did gummies LONG before it was cool. i was the cool mom on the block selling dope before it was fashionable. i was the cool mom before i had kids.
Tatiana: you got a smart mom who's knowledgeable about her options.
Mardith: i know, that's the thing, i'm weirdly proud of her, she's taking care of her health, the gummi oil will stretch out her joints, help her walk again without a cane. i'm proud of her, it's just weird, you know? and that SMELL!!! when i took a whiff of the bottle i screwed open, they smell like gummi worms dipped in a vat of STRONG SEWAGE.
Madame Pons: i can be a good mom to you, Mardith, is what i'm saying, i'll steer you right medicine-wise.
Mardith: bye, mom, i'm going out. i'm gonna spend 80% of my time from now on with Tatiana. don't wait up. don't worry, i'll be safe!!!
Bas Bleu: it's not really blue unless it's French blue.
"Blue Monday": ...
inflation: inflation is an important concept.........not economic inflation, cosmological inflation.
Michael Weiss: consistency on Instagram is SO important.
Boc: when i take my morning walk, i see all the short-buses and the yellow schoolbuses drive by, there are no kids in them!!! where are all the kids?!!! it's weird. all the buses are empty.
Boc gets accosted midway by a Carmel cop under the jurisdiction of Obec.
Boc: oh fuck here we go, fucking cops. haven't we gays been harassed by you guys enough throughout history?
cop: as you can see, i am undercover. what are you doing here all by yourself so late at night trespassing like a thug and loitering like a gang member and walking on private property where you ain't supposed to be?
Boc: NIGHT? it's MORNING!!! it's 7:30 in the AM. i mean if it was 3AM then maybe you'd have something. don't i have the right to EXERCISE?
cop: but there's nobody here everyday you walk through The Barnyard.
Boc: i know but is that MY problem? nobody wants to exercise anymore!!! this town is DEAD from old-age people, old people not in tune with New Age. what if i told you i was merely heading for that French patisserie at the end of the barnyard path. for some non-CBD baked goods. don't i have the right to go to a bakery? don't i have the right to bakery my breakfast? don't i have the right to EAT BREAKFAST?!!! DON'T TOUCH ME!!!
cop: fine whatever just get the FUCK outta my sight!!! scram, gayboy. i don't want to see your ugly mug in this town ever again.
Boc: i will be right back here on this path tomorrow morning. i'm prettier than your sister, that's all that matters to me. you know these walks really work, i am SWEATING after them even when the sky is OVERCAST!!! i feel my HEARTBEAT faster, i'm more ALIVE after.
Madame Pons: i want to go to Paris for one reason and one reason only.
Doryce: the French men?
Madame Pons: no.
Doryce: the French bras?
Madame Pons: kinda. the Madame Brasserie Restaurant inside the Eiffel Tower.
The Good Feet Store: don't worry, kid, you can say "suck" on TV now.
AJ Mleczko: LET'S GO!!!.........want some of my milk?
Andromeda Dunker: now that's a name
Whistle Street: safe for women, where The Pogues play.
Balboa Park: soccer in the '80s, Zen garden now.
Father Navin and Shia LaBeouf continue to watch '80s cartoons in Father Navin's den.
Cyber City Oedo 808: Oedo here means Tokyo. like Obec means Carmel. 808 was the old area code of Van Nuys-Encino in the '80s.
Shia: i mean watching this first episode it's obvious the writers had JUST come from watching Die Hard. the whole tall building coming down thing?
Father Navin: who's the woman?
Oedo: which? prisoner-protagonist-with-a-heart-of-gold's girlfriend?
Father Navin: no one of the 3 main characters. character prisoners.
Oedo: that's a man. he's all glammed up to look like David Bowie.
Father Navin: that is my dream. to be David Bowie behind the altar.
Alita Battle Angel: in the end, you can only be who you are. please, let's not quibble over if Ghost in the Shell did it better, all that matters is if MY modern real-life Hollywood movie retelling was better than Scarjo as The Major...
Amanda Winn-Lee: you know, it is so FREEING when you get to be my age, you're settled, you've had a special-needs kid, nobody's opinion matters anymore, you can be FREE ON TWITTER and damn the consequences. i'm feminist and i like it. i like that the Ukraine war will elect Biden again. see how BRATTY i was playing Alita? imagine if i infused Rei Ayanami from Neon Genesis Evangelion with that brattiness? Rei with my Alita brat voice to make Rei more talkative, the producers were on my ass constantly trying to get Rei to open up more.
Shia: oh but that second episode was so SAD. the poor girl Alita has her first teenage crush, her first impulsive kiss, her first taste of love, and the boy ends up falling off a high walkway in the clouds. to his robotic death. talk about DEPRESSING. i joined the Roman Catholic Church to ERASE my depression.
BJ Ward: yeah i was the blonde babe in that Robo Force cartoon, i mean that thing was EVER a toyetic cartoon!!! filmed at the Nazca Lines in Peru. blonde babe not blonde bimbo, she was a scientist. despite my name i did NOT sleep around to get ahead, i know it was the '80s but there's not as much room in those soundbooths as you might think.
Dungeons & Dragons: the final episode, "Requiem" is FINALLY here. no not that cheap reading of the final script at some con in Salt Lake City, that was bunk. this was ACTUALLY ANIMATED, lovingly, painstakingly, with the original characters, how they got the cut-out character footage to match the linereading i'll never know. not to mention painting all the backgrounds. it's the ONE GOOD THING ON YOUTUBE.
Father Navin: spoiler alert: Venger is Dungeon Master's son. i identify strongly with Dungeon Master.
Shia: oh the end-credits song when the camera pans across the entire amusement park the Dungeons & Dragons ride is in, that always makes me nostalgic for the simple times of the '80s when all you did was play with your mother.
Eric: i was a BRAT. i was patterned after Casey Kasem's rich childhood. i was the ginger in the Partridge Family, Corey FELDMAN not Haim.
Hank: hey did you see in the finale how i held Sheila's hand there at the end? that proves we have a future together when we go home. we're gonna run away from our parents on the same day during summer vacation and shack up in a bungalow in Reseda. that had such a Brady Bunch vibe to it.
Eye Luggage: Control (2007) and go.
Alexandra Maria Lara: okay CAN WE TALK ABOUT MY WEDDING PICTURES? like, right?!!! look at us up there!!! look how HAPPY we are!!! look how ADORABLE we are together!!! we were BORN to be a couple!!! i don't know if it's the German-Romanian thing but my SMILE is just so sincere, i'm RADIATING WARMTH. i'm rubbing my belly as i gaze into my lover Sam Riley's eyes cos he's my only anchor in this wild world, my only connection to a child's innocence. we got a kid, that's it, it's done.
Sam Riley: yeah, the chase is over, i am a settled man and i am CHIPPER about my life. i got pinned down and that's all she wrote. my band didn't go anywhere but i don't care about that anymore.
Ian Curtis: i LOVE that this entire film is completely in black-and-white.
Anton Corbijn: thanks. it adds to the permanent mood of the film, makes that whole time period more stark, more lovely. the black-and-white thing was suggested to me by Trent Reznor who was playing cards one night with Kurt Cobain in their flat and they decided to give me a call on the non-Apple telephone payphone outside during a rainstorm. they were really rowdy and abusive on the phone, like it was a dare or something. i had to settle those two unruly frat bros down with a slice of Dutch apple pie and creme-fraiche top.
Ian Curtis: yeah, the B&W. it's just weird for me to see that cos i ACTUALLY LIVED what's on the screen but when i lived it it was NOT in black and white. in fact the color was a little TOO real for me, too vivid.
Ian Curtis: it's the ultimate irony that i killed myself in part because i couldn't keep my marriage together but the bloke who PLAYS me married my MISTRESS in real life...
Ian Curtis: maybe i could have stayed alive for my mistress? i mean yeah sure there would have been hell to pay for a few years, i'd get hot blowback from hell on my face for a while, my daughter would have hated me forever, but eventually all parties would have moved on.........24 hours later...
Ian Curtis: EXISTENCE IS...WELL, WHAT DOES IT MATTER? I EXIST ON THE BEST TERMS I CAN. THE PAST IS NOW PART OF MY FUTURE, THE PRESENT IS WELL OUT OF HAND...
Ian Curtis: these are the warning signs, these are the red flags, when i dropped out of school to write poetry, that's when you knew i was taking life WAY too seriously. putting the mysteries of the universe to paper. trying to figure out something that is unfigureoutable.
Laertus's dad: oh i LOVE Ian Curtis's room in the British projects. it's as stark as he is. a couple of tiny posters of Bowie and Sex Pistols, pinned concert tickets. and THREE LARGE GREEN NOTEBOOKS of lyrics, poetry, and random stray thoughts. i need to do that from now on.
Laertus: right? i already organize like that. makes writing these screenplays and blog posts that much easier, less time-consuming.
teacher: Ian, why hasn't the sun exploded?
Ian Curtis in biology class: hydrogen? oxygen? i don't know, sir. sorry, i spaced out there for a life. is this the type of lab that makes drugs?
teacher: i thought you said you wanted to be a scientist.
Ian: i just don't want to eat beans anymore.
Debbie Curtis: *Cockney accent* all-right.
Ian: can we hook up?
Debbie: behind Hooky's back? Peter Hook will not like that. Peter Hook is playing hooky from school and does NOT consent to be part of any biopic. yer, tell you what, come up with a poem right NOW right here on the spot off the top of your balled head and i'll hold hands with you behind Hooky's back on the bed.
Ian: is it ethical to steal prescription medication from the medicine cabinets of pensioners?
Hooky: they're old ladies, they're gonna go soon. beddy-bye for bints. it's not like you're stealing their CBD gummies or anything. you'll be in a band soon and you can purge and catharsis through your songs.
New Order: we are a shite band. wanna help us out and sing?
Ian: yeah alright. a way for us to get out of the projects. it'll be fine, lads, we'll be like the Sex Pistols but quieter.
Ian: i help people get jobs, ironically cos i can't find MYSELF a job.
boss: Ian, i am your employer, what's with the HATE jacket?
Ian: sorry sir, i know you're against animal leather. black animals especially. i'm starting a trend that won't hit for, like, 20 years.
Billy Corgan: my ZERO shirt, direct inspiration from Ian's HATE jacket.
boss: it's just the customers see you wearing that jacket and aren't too keen on you helping them.
Ian: i'm tired and sleeping all the time. i have fits all the time, not fits of anger despite me being in a dark band, fits of epilepsy. these epileptic seizures will be the death of me, not literally, figuratively. wait, that girl i helped DIED from a fit?!!! that's MY fucking death there, too!!! what's the point of living on?
nurse: you're a FATHER!!!
Ian: i need a smoke.
nurse: NO!!! i've seen this movie too many times before!!! the new dad goes for a pack of cigarettes and never comes back!!!
Debbie: can you help me find a job?
Ian: sorry, i can't help you with that.
Debbie: i'm gonna have to be a whorehouse waitress for the time being, SOMEBODY's gotta feed our kid while you're off gallivanting on a fancy with song notes in your head and unsold lyrics in your mouth. you can't even really sing, it's just mumbling, you know? i'm the only one who loves you so I tell you the truth.
Ian: thanks, Debs, i owe you the world. mumblecore will owe a debt to me. oh and when we have sex and i start to cry know that it's not you, it's me coming up with lyrics. i got a little Philip K. Dick to me.
Debbie: yeah that's okay, no more fucking, one kid is enough.
Debbie: i'm gonna kip round the shops in my baby-stroller, can i get you a pack of smokes?
Toby Kebbell: you've heard of the nip slip, aye? well in my underwear i show you my DICK SLIP.
Craig Parkinson: i am the EXACT OPPOSITE of Steve Coogan in demeanor here. when i say i'll sign the contract with my own blood i mean that not as a gag, as a bit, but in a SINCERE ATTEMPT to bring culture into this world and into Manchester. you know i lost 10 years off my life pulling that stunt. and no UFO came down to save me and pump me blood.
Ian: can i stay over? Debbie and i had a row.
friend: sure friend, can i be in your band?
Ian: beans? really?
silent serious imaginary childhood friend: BEANS!!! the British staple!!! Heinz blue beans for brekkie, lunch, and supper for your blue balls!!!
Ian: is it too much to ask to have a headrest pillow in a car with no A.C. in 40-celsius heat in winter? the next time i have an epileptic seizure i'm calling the Highway to Hell guys. doesn't London like music?
at the emergency room.
Hooky: why was Ian convulsing by the side of the highway road like that?
Santa Claus goldminer: he has epilepsy.
Hooky: so he's a balls-to-the-head?
Santa: is that a porn term?
Hooky: he's daft? he's a minger?
Santa: that's very rude. Ian has an illness.
Hooky: all i meant was that Ian was a soccer player.
Ian: what's the medicine i need to take? i promise i won't steal it from my own medicine cabinet.
doctor: it's still 1970 so there is no schizophrenia medication. Tic Tacs would be more effective than pills. i'm prescribing for you to drink battery acid before going to bed.
music magazine interview.
Annik Honore: do you believe in love?
Ian Curtis: with you, yes.........with my wife, no.........that makes no sense...
the rest of New Order: we're death rockers, lady, we live on the edge, sweetheart, scram, get outta here.
Ian: i feel like i'm cheating on my wife, this is the same bed where i met her.
Annik Honore: Ian, i'm AFRAID OF LOVING YOU. how do you think i feel? i'm loving and making a lifetime commitment to someone who's gonna kill himself and won't be around for much longer.
Ian: don't worry, it'll be alright if we just keep meeting in secret only on beaches during sunset.
Annik: what's your favorite color?
Ian: believe it or not it's not black. it's blue. i got in a lot of fights as a youth, and a lot of scraps now. "Blue Monday" won't be about a bizarre love triangle, it'll be about the color of a soccer team.
Annik: do you have any questions for me?
Ian: um.........what do waffles taste like?
Annik: i've never heard of marrying so young, you two got married at 10 years old, right?
Ian: my marriage was a mistake, i claimed her with Beatles hair.
Debbie Curtis: how do you think that made me feel to see that scene on the big screen? my own husband readily admitting that his marriage to me and our family was a MISTAKE!!! a sham. a fraud, never should have happened. that was tough to swallow. our daughter is just another Bean, Bean Cobain. Touching from a Distance, that's how i had to deal with Ian his whole life.........oh god just thinking about that again and i'm gonna start crying again.
Joy Division performs "Dead Souls".
in the audience, a very young Trent Reznor.
Trent Reznor: let's be honest, folks, the only reason you know this song is because of MY cover of it. i wish i had learned how to DANCE like Ian Curtis tho, with the rubbery arms and rubbery legs flailing around all over the place, that would have been cool. i don't dance.
Ian: is it spitting?
Annik: honey it's coming down in DROVES!!! SHEETS of rain are falling on us as you CHOSE ME. so ROMANTIC. that was a dramatic scene in the phonebooth in the rain, right? the audience doesn't exactly know which woman you were talking to.
Ian: i'm no Superman...
Annik: as we kiss in the pouring rain outside my apartment THIS is the moment i knew i would love you forever.........in REAL LIFE that is.
Debbie: EH? EH?!!! EH?!!!!!!!!! that's British for WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?!!! ARE YOU MAD?!!! NOBODY will love you the way i do, nobody in the ENTIRE WORLD. you know that to be true deep in your heart, only I have the patience with you, only I will put up with you. i clean your underpants. i don't have the best face but my tits are MASSIVE, doesn't that count for something?
the Derby Hall scene that makes a scene.
Crispy Ambulance lead singer: yes, our band name was drug-induced. i'll read you a couple verses from my personal poetry.........evidently Chickentown.........okay so my poetry is not as good as Ian's...
Tony Wilson: Lou Reed became a LEGEND after his riot.
Ian: oh so THAT's what "Perfect Day" was about, the riot. right, well okay i'm done with music, i just wanted to be a legend one time and now i did so i'm done.
Ian: thanks for the beans, mom and dad.
dad: that's your mother's cooking that.
mom: these beans are as blood-red as Tony Wilson's signature.
parents: son, what are you doing with your life?
Ian: i'm gonna try hypnosis next...
Ian under hypnosis: .........i see two beautiful women.........Tatiana and Mardith.........they're in a threesome with Madame Pons.
Madame Pons: yeah but a threesome is easy, a throuple is hard.
Ian: i will admit, while i'm under hypnosis i don't have any seizures. can i save this rumbling massage chair for when i go to the mall?
Ian: i'm sorry, Debbie, but Annik is.........well, Annik is an EXOTIC name. Annik is EXOTIC, she's an honorable woman, she has a sick brother named Santa Claus. you're a miner from Macclesfield. like me. you're a working-class wench and i'm a wanker.
Debbie: exotic? Belgium isn't exotic!!! BELGIUM IS RIGHT NEXT DOOR!!!
Ian: what's with TV these days, eh? what's going on in the world, mate? all these adverts for silver horse trailers by some pissy bloke in a cowboy hat called Go See Cal. i've had it with the material world. you know i always forget whether or not i left a suicide note.........turns out i KINDA left a note, it was more like my latest lyrics...
Laertus: oh god no no don't ACTUALLY SHOW the suicide!!! i can't take it!!! i have to look AWAY!!!
Dirg: i loved the flashback to the Sheila Maid. or was it a flashforward?
Dirg: the rumbling running of the ropes through the pulleys of the Sheila Maid. that whizzing SOUND.
Eye Luggage comforts Laertus by rubbing his short-haired shoulder.
Eye: it's gonna be okay, babe. it's over.
Laertus: *long deep sigh* why are Sheila Maids a thing?
Sheila from Dungeons & Dragons: ...
Eye: that's devastating, that's DEVASTATING right there, that poor woman alone in the world now with her baby, holding her baby, SHRIEKING at the top of her lungs to REWIND the devastating present which is now the past and her future. there is no help for THIS.
The Pope: and Ian Curtis becomes our next Pope, see the black smoke?
the crowd at Cannes leap to their feet in the theatre and CLAP LOUDLY.
members of New Order: hey, can we instead have a DIGNIFIED SILENCE here? this is a holy moment, a man is dead forever.
Hooky: Peter Hook went to the toilet during this film. as did the grandma we stole drugs from.
Ian Curtis: love will tear us apart.........but hate is not much better, believe me. g'night, folks.
Mary Katherine Gallagher lines up right at the Mary statue.
MKG: I'M GONNA KNOCK YOUR BLOCK OFF!!!
and she does just that, she punches the head of the Mary statue and the head goes sliding off the neck in a wedge like a greased pancake!!!
for good measure Mary Katherine Gallagher LUNGES at the rest of the statue in a wrestling plancha move full of plants and grace, she takes the headless body off her pedestal to the ground grass of the garden.
Mary Katherine Gallagher is taken into custody in rope handcuffs hands behind her back led away to the roof of the police car by Boc's cop.
MKG: zipline rope, not the fun kind. yeah you got me, i lost my cool, i'm only human despite going to private school. this vest and this grunge checkered skirt and penniless loafers don't define me. it was ONE MOMENT, i got heated, i wasn't asked to prom, i was jealous of Mary, she's the queen bee of the school!!! she's popular!!! i wanted to know what that felt liked, i wanted to be liked not ridiculed for once, what it felt like to be a supastar, a supah ninja. yeah well i don't care anymore, i never wanted to go to this school anyway, St. Cyril's doesn't have any boys in it, right? i'll just go across the street to Notre Dame, to the all-girls school. THERE i will find my soul mate.
Tobi Vail slips a bar of deodorant under the bars of Mary Katherine Gallagher's jail cell when she visits her during the first conjugal to discuss Riot Grrrl music.
Laney: Mary Katherine Gallagher's gonna be steamed when she finds out about Crespi.
Laney puts Mary's head back on the statue.
Mary: thanks. that feels better. i can talk again. whatever the situation, i'm always here. saints never lose their cool, they're just cool.