Laney: our Mary statue is very special. it tells me things in the night.
Gerry: you mean like prayer?
Laney: no, like premonitions and predictions, feelings, gut instincts.
Harrison: are you sure we don't need to send you away? i know about these things with MY mother.
Laney: interestingly a giant golden Mary is painted is on the sidewall of a famous nuthouse. with glitter. the wall's paint is all crumbly now.
Ryan Stiles: Mary would have made a cool hip and flexible Solid Gold Dancer. she would have been flexible and fixable in the hips. ESPECIALLY child-bearing hips in hot pants skating circles around Don Lemon at the roller rink.
Laney: and she was decidedly NOT blonde in real life. we just have to be ready, you know, guys? for whatever she gives us in whatever SIGN she finally bestows on us. it won't be what you think, because we have preconceived notions about her. her blessings might seem ironic or obtuse, soulless and useless at first, but we'll know it comes from a good place, her heart. she might not be the woman you thought she was. she'll be a better woman. so erase all your preconceived preconceptions and get ready for some earthy surprises from this sexy spirit!!!
Sister Anne Elizabeth Eder: i'm in charge of the Mary program. i was chosen cos i'm hot even old but i was a babe when young. don't check your mail, you're not preapproved for SHIT. nobody wears corduroy shirts anymore. Boys Ranch is not what you think...
online newspaper headline: The Real Reason...
Shia LaBeouf and Father Navin are watching old '80s cartoons with some special guests in the priest's den smoking opium cigars with the windows closed. the stained-glass windows closed.
Shia: just please tell me these cigars aren't from Africa...
The Mighty Orbots: movie-quality animation in a TV show.
Takahashi: i know, right? Don Bluth vibes. the way everyone moved on that show was so fluid.
Father Navin: and that cheesy narrator.
The Mighty Orbots: Voltron and Dragon's Lair meets a pinch of The Jetsons.
girls on Instagram: we want love.........but we'll settle for attention.
royal lamprey pie: they're all bloodsuckers.........the lampreys not the Royal Family.
Don Knotts: ...
Charles III: hey at least i'm not eating octopus tendrils like i would if this were an anime.
Madame Null: in my defense, i thought the Null Turtles were, like, soft harmless squishy-shelled geeky science Turtles who helped Bill Nye the Science Guy. like a null set, you know?
AC Cobra: no, a Shelby Cobra with air conditioning.
Takahashi: ...
Melbourne: ...
A.C. Slater: i was supposed to do an episode of Saved by the Bell in New York City.........otherwise known as City Guys.
Brendan Gleeson: i'm Willie Nelson without the pot. it just was impossible to GLEAN how GREAT of an actor i usually am by watching my SNL episode...
Willie Nelson: i look like Job from The Bible...
Codrus in Father Navin's Eden Den.
Codrus: Ulysses 31, why does the Cyclops monk have a New Jersey accent? this is not the Real Reason gods fight wars in outer space...
Cotard: "Courage, friend," i love that line.
the band Courage My Love: ...
Cotard: this show was ahead of its time. both meanings. at the end of the first episode when Ulysses learns that he's all alone in his battle with silent evil, that is the very nature the very essence of man's relationship with God. it's stark. i feel Ulysses's longing and loneliness.........and then he SEES Telemachus is alive!!! and that run to his boy was the most joyous tears my eyes have ever produced!!!
Father Navin: Ulysses 31 was coming out of the '70s, when i was an acolyte in bellbottoms. the '70s in music was about dreaming of natural space stations, tree-lined spaceships growing crops in a clear glass space-bubble roof, the EarthShip, which would travel the cosmos to seek out man's true purpose, wandering forever in the galaxy. progressive rock full of whistling and panpipes. all of these '80s space cartoons were the children of that '70s space ethos...
Cotard: a long sad melancholic lonely journey...
Amon-Ra St. Brown: greatest name of all time
Aaron Rodgers wearing a black British bearskin cap that's tall and fuzzy: i was wrong. i admit it. it's my fault the Packers lost. i really wanted to see the sights in London. i wanted to do Ayahuasca on the big-ass Ferris wheel...
Link: a hang-glider is just a triangle of twigs with a cloth over hence why i love it as my only mode of transportation, the triangle thing.
Cecily Strong: the Chelsea Hotel? i've stayed there many a time...
Gladyce: lifehack for Doryce, dear, that's you.
Doryce: my ears are all perked.
Gladyce: move the plastic cup of dirty silverware to THE VERY EDGE of the dishwasher so you don't forget to put the silverware into the dishwasher before the TidePod.
Doryce: THEN can i eat the TidePod?
Adeia: we're a cool company, but nobody knows how to pronounce our name...
Stanley Tucci at the first Roman Catholic church: yeah this is unfortunate, we filmed all our Searching for Italy episodes BEFORE Italy became far-right, capiche?
Father Navin answers the skull phone in his office.
Shia LaBeouf: Filmation's Ghostbusters was the shit. THAT was my favorite version.
Jessica Wray: i looked like if Teela was a turtle reporter. Marvel's Firestar. fun fact: i was based on a real porn star...
Shia: my mother wanted me to play the organ but i told her i'd only do it if the organ was circular or half-circular and if i could sleep with her in a Murphy bed...
Eleventh Doctor Matt Smith: see? i was a woman before. i was Saskia de Brauw...
John McEnroe: in the '80s i dyed my hair blond.........to play the villain in Episode 1 of that 1984 Pole Position cartoon...
How Weird street faire in San Francisco: where EDM meets R.L. Stine...
Sukkot: suck it, we're celebrating Sukkot.
Gladyce: the bacon, don't cook 2 strips for 3 minutes, dear, you'll burn it. instead, cook each strip for 90 seconds.
Doryce: i thought we weren't doing 2 strips anymore, dear.
James Bond renouncing his Anglican faith: i'm supposed to be a balding man...
Tatiana at her massage parlor: i'm offering the McRub for a limited time starting around Halloween Day 2022...
the Pittsburgh Steelers in the Math Bowl: the Pittsburgh Stellation
Bjork: what's with all the MUSHROOM stuff on Instagram now?...
Dawn Patrol: bad coffee
skin frame: Christmas photo at Sears with your Cylon wife
Barbara Cartland next to the coffin at the funeral: DON'T BE SCARED OF MY FACE!!! it's just the spooky lighting in here...
Eric Andre at the Encino Airport: the search thing is not a joke...
Boc: the Boc Walk, i do the hilly curvy cobblestone wall through The Barnyard paths each morning because the hills make the exercise strenuous, i don't have to jog only walk. and i can eventually get my curves back in this old body, the Bod of Boc.
Boc: my Boc Walk, what's up with the fountain? the lights on that fountain are on ALL NIGHT!!! that's a waste of electricity that could be used for electronica. what is this supposed to be? a reflecting pool?
Jordan Poole: i believe in magic just don't punch me...
Jordan Poole: fine use a socket just don't sock me...
Boc: i'm up so early each day on my Boc Walk i'm Obec's cock uh rooster call in the morning...
A.D. Police Files: not the Abu Dhabi one.
Nermal: ...
A.D. Police: if all police were like Iris here, the world would be a better place.
Dick Wolf: ...
Iris: get it? i was getting a cybernetic eye...
Eddie Spencer Jr. from Filmation's Ghostbusters: i'm Chris Farley. that's it, i'm Chris Farley. Farley would have done cartoon voices and Goya paintings had he lived.
Apparitia: THOSE GAMS OF MINE THO!!!
Madame Why: ...
Madame Pons: sorry, babe, i liked the other Ghostbusters better...
emoji: i am NOT a comment. a comment has words...
Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
E.G. Daily: cum is tasty.........that's not just an '80s thing.
cum: healthy cum tastes like vanilla. unhealthy cum tastes like onions.
Eye Luggage: Blonde and go.
Marilyn Monroe: the Virgin Mary was a blonde.........sorry, that sounded better in my head.
Ana de Armas: yes that's me!!! i disappeared into the role, didn't i. accent? no my voice was squeaky the whole time. i had a clown in my dressing room at 3AM blowing me up helium balloons. sorry, i know it's long. it's LONG. it coulda been 3 hours!!!
Blade Runner 2049: ...
Ana: but we took out ALL the succulent goofy-sex scenes.
Goofy: hey i don't care what you call me behind my back. i hate my life. but i'm proud of Max. i'm proud of my son Max. Max is all that matters.
Joyce Carol Oates: i only eat Irish oatmeal...
The Thorn Birds: shoulda made this a miniseries.
Cotard: because of The Thorn Birds, i became a priest...
Dirg: i don't care what the media says, this is the TRUE STORY of Marilyn Monroe's life.........i NEED for it to be...
NC-17: i don't get it, the sex in this is pretty tame all things considered...
NPR: ...
NPR: PBS sex is the most tantalizing of all.
Emily Ratajkowski: all this is is the fetishization of female pain. you know, like if you have a hot girl who's completely messed up completely fucked up in the head, damaged beyond repair, traumatized to the tenth, that's HOT, right? but that's the key, she has to be crazy AND hot.
Mardith: you know, i can't argue with Emily's point here. it's a valid point.
Madame Pons: Hollywood has been doing this since it began.
crones: Marilyn was a witch with GREAT power but she didn't live long enough to SEIZE it.
Marilyn: i didn't sees it.
Eye: i watched this movie for 3 hours by mistake...
Emily Ratajkowski: so girls, alright, let's woman-power this bitch and continue the fight, let's all make ourselves ANGRY, full of righteous anger. they can't fetishize anger, it doesn't work.
Norma Jeane Mortenson: hey mom, no more bathtime for me!!! i'm not being a typical irritable kid, i don't have my Ernie's rubber ducky so i QUIT!!! i'll take a shower at school!!!
Laertus: i'm loving the writing here in the first part, Marilyn's mom has a way with words.
Julianne Nicholson: it's so much fun to play unstable, cops are boring...
Sara Paxton: HEY GUYS, REMEMBER ME?!!! from Canada. i'm doing wholesome roles again, i was a planter and then i dug up some graves for some unseemly unsavory horror flicks but now i'm the good parent again.........well at least for a while.
Marilyn: so finding my father is the catalyzing event of this film. it's weird cos i only found out who MY TRUE POPS was, like, last year, the DNA came back in 2021...
Marilyn: i'll just be right here at this Bus Stop waiting for my real dad...
bus stop: it might not make much money but it's a proud passion project...
Charlie Chaplin: it's cool how the Monroe household has a movie poster of The Little Tramp on its kitchen wall, that was the only movie that existed at the time...
Marilyn: you're really letting me down, Second Mom, i felt safe with adults for the first time at your place.
Sara Paxton: i know, sorry. the good news is it's the '30s so mental hospitals are STILL LIFETIME...
Codrus: like monasteries...
Sara: i mean you'll at least get to eat every day, right? that's cool for a kid.
Marilyn: oh yeah my first marriage was to some sailor or unhealthy seaman nobody cares about...
Zwick will be the best Z in Hollywood!!! and Zaentz!!! fuck Zanuck!!!
casting director: is it acting or just mental illness?
Thespis: acting IS mental illness.
Cass Chaplin: when you look at me, do you just see The Little Tramp?
Marilyn: i see someone handsomer. i don't like mustaches.
Eye: this is so sad, the bond these three had was REAL. why didn't it continue? i firmly believe if The Gemini and Marilyn had stayed together as Hollywood's first throuple Marilyn would be alive today...
Eddy Jr.: okay Marilyn, time for the sex. just turn around and the two of us will take turns fucking your butt.
Marilyn: but my brain is NOT in my butt!!! my brain is UP HERE!!! i'll only do anal if you call me Norma Jeane. oral if you call me MM for Morning Meditations. i can't enjoy this, i can't see anything, i can't see the two of you, i can't see your eyes.
Cass: just lie back and think of a gigantic raging waterfall as you orgasm, Niagara Falls as you cum. sex is a waterfall, there are plenty of fish in the sea...
Eye: see why did those two BREAK THEIR BOND?!!! why'd they BREAK THE PACT?!!! what a BETRAYAL!!! it was so BEAUTIFUL the way they sealed their blood pact under the stars, pledged their eternal commitment to each other with that Oscar Wilde quote.
Marilyn: it was the agent's fault!!! not me!!!
The Gemini: we didn't want the responsibility of taking care of Marilyn's baby.
Eye: it would have been SITCOMMY!!! it would have been cool!!! Two Men, a Baby and a Babe!!!
Greykid: i saw a Christmas card with the caption The Gemini and two toy poodle terriers, those two Blonde sex twins have ruined The Gemini for me forever...
The Gemini: we sold her out for a couple of cheap glossy photos. you see, kids, before the internet there was this thing for pictures called the manila envelope...
Maury: ...
Eye: okay this isn't a pro-life or anti-choice thing, i just firmly believe if Marilyn had had a baby, if she had successfully brought a baby to term and had a child, a namesake, she would still be with us today. it would have given her a reason to live. apart from herself. an anchor for her to hold onto. whoa those are some GRAPHIC TONGS.
Talking Fetus: okay this is creepy. why do i sound like this? it's cool that i can talk tho. human, right? where's my brother?
Marilyn: brother?
Talking Fetus: you'll see later. we're all different babies but the same baby, the same soul.
Marilyn: i was worried my child would have my mom's mental issues.........not to mention MY mental issues.........but then again my mom had ME with HER mental issues so...
Joe DiMaggio: how did you get your start in the business?
Marilyn: rape. how did you get YOUR start in the business?
Joe: i was raped by Roger Maris. i could never achieve that record. beat it, beta. beat the record that is, the Maris record.
Marilyn: not the same thing.
Marilyn: what's the big deal with the white flowing dress thing anyway? under me if you remove the manhole cover and grate is just the air filter from the Sesame Street set...
Oscar the Grouch in the sewer: i saw everything from down below. i saw Marilyn's poon...
big head of steam of whooshing air: it's not our fault. cold air, hot air, what's the difference.
Bill Nye the Science Guy: it's science. it's physics. it's panties. that dress is BANGIN'.
Takahashi: okay i am loving the CROWD SHOTS!!! right? they are so BUSY AND SUCCULENT AND LUXURIOUS. tons of people everywhere, a TSUNAMI OF PEOPLE!!! whether it's a movie crowd inside a theatre or the paparazzi peloton mob.
Tyzik: yeah and i love how the paparazzi are given gnarly misshapen clay-mask monster faces howling into the night barking like rabid foggy dogs hollering for hentai.
Aphex Twin: those paparazzi faces look like MY CREEPY SMILING RUBBER FACE!!! on that album cover, remember? that was me, a mirror image of me...
Aphex Twin: i'll take Marilyn's angry insulting threatening fan mail and her Joker mirror please, thank you.
DiMaggio: will you marry me?
Marilyn: no. but i need stability.
DiMaggio: *smiling* hey the Yankees are going all the way this year, right?
Marilyn: nah, the Dodgers are a lock to win the World Series this year.........2022.
Marilyn: don't punch me, Daddy, i was just reading Ibsen naked.
DiMaggio: you gotta get better roles. roles in which you are not MEAT. do a kid's show or something, harmless, dress up in a hot-dog costume.
Marilyn: hey Joe, don't punch me anymore. as you can see when we did that scene i was wearing a cast on my foot, you broke my foot when you punched me in the face...
Eye: oh that is so heartbreaking, again. for Norma Jeane. i feel so bad for her. she thinks she's finally going to meet her father in the hotel room. why is her father being so evasive? that's the one STOOD UP Marilyn couldn't survive. hopes up dashed.
Marilyn Monroe's father: i know, i mean if i were still alive i would have taken my 7-year-old daughter Marilyn Monroe by the hand and run through that Hollywood Hills fire to safety on the set of a Tori Amos video. i would have come for her is what i'm saying.
at the mental hospital.
Marilyn's mom Gladys: not Gladyce. what is THIS? you aren't my daughter, you're a clown in makeup.
Marilyn: you're acting suspiciously cogent for a mental patient, mom. is the food here really that good?
Arthur Miller: thanks for the rewrite, Babs.
Marilyn: it's Marilyn.
Arthur Miller: my writing makes sense now.
Marilyn: yeah i'm actually a VERY INTELLIGENT person, i read Dostoevsky for fun.
Laertus: for YEARS i always just took Marilyn Monroe at face value, you know? i had no idea the whole thing was an act, she was PLAYING this character of Marilyn who in turn got roles PLAYING OTHER PEOPLE. as Marilyn. it was the double-whammy of Marilyn Monroe. Marilyn Monroe as a psychological shield against all her pain and trauma she didn't want to deal with dug deep inside. so i get this now, i understand, she just wanted to be Norma Jeane, Norma Jeane the serious actress taken seriously, she wanted to be Sigourney Weaver with gorillas not Madonna with diamonds...
Allan "Whitey" Snyder: call me "Spidey" in 2022. i was Marilyn Monroe's personal makeup artist and confidante. and acting coach. i was all 3 for Ana de Armas, too...
typewriter: typewriters are grand glossy noble objects, like well-groomed black taxicabs with buttons for keys to start the ignition.
Marilyn: wait, you aren't gonna write me as a CHARACTER in one of your plays, right? is that all i am to you? a sick unwell person who would make a good character? is that why you married me?
Arthur Miller: um, well, yes, this is what ALL writers do.
Eye: i mean THAT IS REALLY FUCKED UP!!! this is so sad. how much pain can this poor person TAKE?!!! what are the chances that you trip and fall ON THE BEACH?!!! a platter of food causes you to forget the fetus. to lose the uterus. no fucking dinner party is worth THAT!!! you lose the baby to a million-to-one shot. THAT WAS A SMALL PEBBLE!!! THAT WAS A SMALL PEBBLE ON THE BEACH!!! this stuff doesn't happen in MAINE!!!
Eye: i firmly believe if Marilyn had stayed with Arthur Miller and had his baby, she'd still be alive today.
Laertus: babe i agree, i agree with you, i really do. those two, the movie star and the writer. Marilyn Monroe and Arthur Miller, that was a MATCH made in heaven!!! that was the OTP!!! i mean those two were PERFECT for each other, they were PERFECT OPPOSITES. i have yet to see a nerd/babe pairing like that so pristine IN MY LIFETIME. they were impossibly miraculously RIGHT for each other.
crones and cat: poor dear just wanted a father of her own, a father in her life, she went round the world searching for a father figure, she just wanted someone to play fireworks with her hands out on the front lawn every July 4th, that's why she got distracted dreaming and crashed her Arthur car.
Laertus: i'm loving THAT CHOICE to blur Arthur Miller's face like that, that is such an in-your-face move.
Andrew Dominik: thanks. BRIMMING with meaning and symbolism.
Marilyn: just looking for my Replacement Daddy.........i have no idea who ANYBODY is...
in a garden in Eden, Los Angeles.
Talking Fetus #1: THERE HE IS!!! THERE'S MY BROTHER!!! what up, bro?
Talking Fetus #2: hey, what's up, brother. i just got back from the set of the Massive Attack "Teardrop" video and BOY are my arms sweaty.
Mary: you see, dear, you and i are the same person.
Marilyn: we're in the same boat.
Mary: i had my child and EVERYTHING changed for me!!!...
JFK: yeah so i don't make out well in this movie. they throw me under the bus. my character is forever assassinated.........poor choice of words there. my reputation in tatters will never be the same, my rep won't ever recover. i'm supposed to be the likable agreeable President everyone got on with cos i was handsome and cool and the alternative was Nixon.
Nixon: you were the cool consequential guy...
Father Navin: and Catholic.
JFK: i mean here i'm Dirk Diggler. that's it. i'm not the President i'm Dirk Diggler. porn on the BIG big-screen. sex on the silver screen. widescreen of my width, why not.
Ana de Armas: behind-the-scenes tidbit: i wasn't sucking a penis, i was sucking an opened tube of lard...
Laertus: disturbing naked body of Marilyn sleepwalking in a lucid abortion dream and then her bloody vagina.
Andrew Dominik: thanks. it was a choice. we're nearing Halloween so i said fuck it why not. Marilyn Monroe herself was HAUNTING THE FUCK OUT OF our set...
Our Lady of Guadalupe: ...
Marilyn: i received a box from a porch pirate. be sure to tip your ginger GrubHub deliveryboys, they could be your lost son!!!
Cass: what's in the box? your Tickle Me Elmo doll. I wrote all the letters from your father. i wanted to be your daddy. am i a sociopath? yes, all actors are, this is how we show genuine love for other people.
Billy Blake: Tyger Tyger Burning Bright...
Andrew Dominik: and we train on Marilyn's bare foot for one hour.........the same foot Ana de Armas broke. for the foot fetishists out there, one last fetishization. and Marilyn Monroe becomes space dust like the rest of us. that was a choice, i was getting hungry for Thanksgiving turkey so i imagined Marilyn's leg being a succulent turkey leg everyone salivated over...
Marilyn Monroe: i'm in the Afterlife now.........holy fuck my dad was Walt Disney!!!
Mark Hapka: The Hapka, 11:11 PM, is when you should all go to sleep.........g'night folks. i'm a better Johnny Depp than Johnny Depp...
Marilyn Monroe: the greatest thing i will ever do in my life is be the inspiration for the Ukrainians blowing up that Russian bridge in Crimea. i'll help out the war effort in any way i can. Marilyn Monroe Meme, what a concept, your modern world sure is wacky. screwy but not in a zany '30s way, you know? g'night folks. g'night, Daddy. g'night all you daddys all over the world. and my Mommys, too. g'night to the entire WORLD through the ages however long it will last. i am a ghostly memory. Chanel No. 5 lasts forever on the body. daddies are a girl's best friend. one more BLOW TO KISS from me to you, chef smooch *mwah*
the Mary statue at St. Cyril's in the garden starts to rumble. shake in the middle of the night, dead of night so dark nobody can see a thing, unless it's the Mary statue GLOWING!!!
Mary: don't worry, folks, you can see me now. you don't need your rave glowsticks. i'll start to blow chunks soon. chunks of rock, it's all part of the ritual.
Trifola d'Alba Madonna truffles start coming out of the Mary statue's vagina. they come out from under her stone robe and move like speedy ants in a line, crossing the McDonald's street into the church garden and burrowing themselves into the soil.
Ryan Stiles: they look like pot nuggets. jus sayin.
Laney: THIS IS BRILLIANT!!!
Mary: right? i thought i'd throw you for a loop but you catch on fast, sis. clever girl.
Laney: yeah i mean these exotic crops will help with the drought. no rain=no truffles. we have an everlasting supply of shrooms to feed the church masses!!! at Masses!!! no more coffee n donuts, we eat HEALTHY now.
Mary: eat enough of these truffles and you'll be gaining some GNOSTIC knowledge no one else knows. mushroom memes and locations of saint apparitions and my next planned World Tour!!!
Father Navin: oh my heavens bananas!!! with all the energy i saved from the solar panels on the church roof from all the hot drought sunlight, i can watch '80s cartoons on my battery-operated portable TV in my den for a YEAR!!!
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