Friday, October 21, 2022




* Amelie was a PERFECT movie.........except it shoulda been inside the Eiffel Tower at Madame Brasserie's.
Amelie from Amelie: dinner tastes better under a tower.
Kurt Cobain: ...
Amelie: in France, we don't eat at restaurants, we socialize. there is no eating at all. French film is cinema, there is no perfect art.........all artists are introverts...

* Liz Truss: FUCK ALL. i got the record, do you? i never wanted to be Prime Minister. fuck this job, fuck the government, governing SUCKS. did you know i was the inspiration for the Beatles song "Meter Maid"? hasta la vista, baby, i'm outta here. i'm gonna drink some Minute Maid orange juice and i'm outta here. bye.........just.........bye.

* Michael Weiss: why are all the internet influencers dying? they're dropping like flies, dropping like mosquitoes on a hot Autumn day...

* Gwyneth Paltrow: i slept with someone i shouldn't have.........and it was great. i wanted to sleep with the Radiohead singer instead of my ex-husband but Thom was away visiting Smurf Village...

* chicken of the woods: Super Mario's secret ingredient that gets him high uh that allows him to jump high...

* Moog Matriarch: back in the day, when Keith Emerson was Luke Skywalker...
Moog Grandmother: i was doing electronica WAY before Kraftwerk...

* Draco Malfoy: ready for the handoff?
Daniel Radcliffe: of Emma Watson?
Draco: no, the wand. this is an intense action scene!!!
Daniel: not the action i was hoping for...

* Lorne Michaels on stage: gather round, everybody. okay i want all of us to attend an acting workshop during the off-week, okay? everyone, this SNL season needs it, okay? even me, okay? everybody, okay? the writers, the crew, the kept boys. it'll be good to get out of the office, get some fresh air, stretch out our legs in the snows of Buffalo, New York. 

* Boc: you don't understand, i SWEAT on my morning walks WITHOUT A SWEATER ON!!! i only walk in the morning with the sun up, i never walk in the dark. alone. not just a soccer thing. hey where are all the DOG COUPLES along the path?!!! right?!!! two people with two separate dogs on two separate leashes walking side-by-side vertically on the path. all the dog couples come from the hotel guests, they look like a cute pairing of Regis and Kelly uh Regis and Kathie Lee. 

* Boc: what's with the YELLOW TAPE?!!! that ain't gonna stop me!!! i can walk around it!!! what is this, a construction site all of a sudden?
construction workers: no, we just need a space for us to feel safe. without monks. to garden the way we want. to bring out the Beck blower and crank that noisy sucker up before dawn.
Boc: i make sure to wear a white T-shirt that's respectable, if i wear my pink striped T-shirt the morality cops will harass me. i make it a point to wear the pink striped shirt with the big torn hole in the chesticles area.

* Orionid: and chives. not a joke.

* Jacquemus: named after Jackie O's many moods...

* Frijoles Pop: a very interesting-tasting soda.........tastes like stringent Dr. Pepper and Mr. Pibb mixed together.

* Little Red Riding Hood: grandma, is that you? i heard squeaking and thought it was the wolf.
Grandma: no the squeaking was me, the squeaking was coming from my bed, Julian Edelman is over again.
wolf: a squeaky toy won't stop me. now a teething ring, a teething ring would stop me...

* Morgan Smith-Goodwin: remember ME? with the RED hair? doing all those Wendy's commercials. the salads and such. now they got this other bitch uh babe in the new Wendy's commercials and she has a.........NICE BUTT but no red hair.

* Dupixent
firefighter: there's nothing like being a firefighter.
surfer: there's nothing like being a surfer.
firefighter: there's nothing like being a surfer. i simply fight all my fires in the ocean, it's cinchy. i'm old and i volunteer to fight fires, what the hell am i doing?!!! nobody knows i have eczema cos they think it's all burns.
surfer: there's nothing like being a firefighter. i swim on the wave of each flame of fire i tackle. i use an eschatological view of the world to calm all flames down with my morning mantra. all surfers are failed Instagram yoga babes. nobody knows i have eczema cos i wear my wetsuit over my ankles...

* WhatsApp
counterman: before we start know that there's a hidden camera THERE and THERE. don't get mad at me, i'm an actor, i have to make a living just like you do which is why you're mailing this package.
man: but that's precious cargo, that's my love letter to my Instagram crush, that's my last chance at love. are you sure you want to be attaching that to a pigeon's talons?.........the pigeon flew to McDonald's not the mailbox!!!
counterman: sir sir don't get angry. your face looks like it's about to boil over red.
man in trucker cap: these past two years have been hard for me, i voted for Trump, you know?

* Wakanda Forever
girl: wanna see my sketchpad?
scientist: those aren't your fashion-designer blueprints?
girl: i'm trying to invent a self-sufficient source of eternal energy.
scientist: i see you, genius. i promise i won't steal your idea.
girl: i got inspired for the sphere shape from the Target logo.
scientist: i mean Target is taking a LOT of credit here but whatever.

* Lexus Wizard of Oz
woman wearing a picnic blanket: fuck the Yellow Brick Road, let's go on this red road.
daughter: mommy, what's the red about?
woman: we're on Mars, baby!!!
husband: those white THX 1138 cops on white motorbikes are chasing us.........ironic.
son: mommy, can i try the lollipop crop?
mommy: no. lollipops shouldn't be the size of your face.

happy weekend, my babies
TOMORROW: Taco Bell. for breakfast. wait i have to get up early for this? the only way this trip will be worth it is if.........Pete Davidson is right there in the same Taco Bell i'm in.

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