'
MBC: we all know the world is going to Hell in a handbasket that's not weaved from sustainable green materials. if we ever are to save it, we must do so COLLECTIVELY, as ONE people. it won't work with a billion multinationals multilatering it all over the place. to save the trees aboveground we must save the trees growing down below in the ocean depths next to the Titanic. KELP is our friend. we as a SPECIES have to go back to where we came from: the ocean, the sea, the water. and join with the other species down there. we know in our hearts that WATER IS LIFE.
MBC: so, what IS the oval-shaped thing?
a GIANT TITANIC WAVE surfaces out of the water making the wedding guests and outside-agitator revelers quake in their glass-bottomed boots. the very ground they are standing on gives way with the tides and is a giant ALIVE MASS OF LAND all along!!! the big sea creature is a combination of lion, turtle, gecko you can clearly see the gecko features, and a giant forest of shrubbery and a city on its back.
creature: address me as...wait what's my name?...never had use for a name...you like my dewy eyes?
MBC: oh yes big boy. big girl? big spirit, all that matters. hey guys, all of us gathered here today at this fateful party, we are all gonna live on this magnificent being's back from now on, this will be our new home as we plan out saving the Earth. didn't your mother always tell you to GO when you get that invite to a big fancy shindig, you never know what that card will entail.
Greykid: not just a dance. the dance of life.
MBC: we're located in the sea area ocean awesomeness water wonderland magic marina that's somewhere AROUND Corsica, that general chain of islands. the most important thing is we're CLOSE TO PORTUGAL. this will be our base for based actions. hey, you can just carve your initials or your name, what you want to be called on your gigantic shell there by the electricity pump...
Mundoz: i dub thee i mean i dub myself.........Mundoz.
Mundoz: yeah no, no carving up, no tats, i hate needles, i hate black ink it reminds me of gas. no black paint i ain't a Beatles fan. you're just gonna have to remember my name, you know? i'm the big one here. it's not that my name is your city, your city is my name.
Elon Musk: you know what's weird? college sweethearts lasting is actually a very rare occurrence, a very rare thing.........high-school sweethearts are more likely to last...
Chesty Bonds: for men, too...
Daria Kasatkina: this is my partner.........no not my doubles partner, my life partner...
Los Angeles Public Library: i know it looks bad, our Teenscape room is HEAVILY barred with iron bars, but we have the computers in there, you know?...
Serena: '91 Connors anyone?...
Ellen Hopkins: i'm a famous author but it cost me my relationship with my daughter. was it all worth it in the end?.........that is a question i will never be able to answer.
El Charrito: yeah we're Chipotle Junior.........BUT WE GOT CHURROS!!!!!!!!!
Bunicu: Bunnicula's Romanian grandma
Jodie Whittaker: i BETTER have a good long KISS ON THE LIPS with Mandip Gill before i Regenerate!!!...
Mandip Gill: i am perfectly aligned here. i am from India and because of Gill i am a Traag...
Jodie: oo, Traag is such a Doctor Who monster name...
Dirg: my covid test is made in China...
heated tobacco: i turn green when i'm angry...
NFT poem: it's like a haiku but with less structure...
Amelie: Traveling For Introverts is a no-go...
Plotagon: creepily realistic
Ray Rusaw: i came all this way.........for nothing. but since i'm up here in Greenland i might as well visit my cottagecore chalet at the North Pole...
Boc: i wanted to become a monk. it's just i couldn't see myself wearing a white robe the rest of my life...
Alex from Target: my hair is finally the color it was born to be, my hair was born this way: Heinz-Beanz can color...
Atari's Maze Craze: that Encyclopedia Brown art...
kissing stick: Maybe She's Born With It...
Michael Weiss: why is everyone on Instagram in the hospital? why are all the Creators in hospital beds?...
Dirg: yes, computer, i wanted to say gonad, not gonna...
Meghan Markle: i surf. and i sip non-alcoholic Athletic Co. beer...
Dirg: don't put 10 pictures on every Instagram post, it's annoying.
Eye Luggage: Monsoon Wedding and go.
Sabrina Dhawan: i wrote this entire script in a week at Columbia.
me: EXACTLY. THIS is what I should have been doing, too!!!!!!!!!! instead of frittering my life away whittling and soap-carving an English Major. this shoulda been OUR wedding!!! you and me, Sabrina, we should have been art-school classmates who made good and come back the triumphant heroine as Monsoon Wedding is transformed into a play and musical performed at the Berkeley Rep!!! the same Berkeley rep I should have studied at instead of some Ancient Roman carved cathedral!!! i'm no vagabond, i'm no scrub, i'm your contemporary, Sabrina, i'll help with the setting up of the stage lights...
Sabrina Dhawan: call me Sab...
Michael Weiss with orange posies in his hair: Princeton has a pretty good PhD film program, too. just saying. a fine film program, Dyan Cannon went there i believe...
me: i graduated from Fat Slice to a nothingpizza as opposed to a nothingburger cos Fat Slice closed AFTER SIXTY YEARS in the area transporting me back to the Summer of '69 which really is the PERFECT name for it when you think about the kinds of sex which were introduced into the human psyche. i'm crying psychedelic tears by the sidewalk curb now...
Vijay Raaz: so obviously I am the star of this film. first of all my name is Dubey which is awesome. P.K. Dubey for Playa Killa. i mean look at me throughout this movie!!! i'm dancing, my charismatic face is LIT with expression and that smile and those facial mannerisms. i'm India's Robin Williams, i'm cracking jokes that both English and Hindi speakers can understand. you get the gist of the joke even without subtitles.
Laertus's dad: yeah i remember watching this a long time ago briefly at Berkeley.........freshman year, on VHS tape.........but there was no trouble cos the English was English and the Hindi was all subtitled.
Dirg: in India-accented English, i had to have the script in front of me...
Shefali Shah: no I am the star of this film. my face is charismatic in a SAD way. look how i act, i obviously have the most acting talent of the entire cast, it all flows naturally from me. i gots the gusto. plus i ended up a woman entrepreneur in India which is no small feat.
Dubey: Hindus in this line, Punjabs in this line.
Naseeruddin Shah: not funny, REALLY not funny at all. i'm the Tim Allen of this movie project, always exasperated and disappointed in everybody.
Dubey: all the ladies love me cos i have skinny shins, i have that Cassius lean and hungry look...as i'm playful with you...
Muhammad Ali: ...
Lalit: you'd think with this mansion of a house i got i'd be a doctor or something, would it surprise you to learn i'm a taxicab driver?...
Dubey: Cassius as a wedding planner forgot the avocados...
Pimmi and Neha Dubey: we're the Diane Ladd and Laura Dern of this film!!! mother-daughter team-up.
Mira Nair: i made the names intentionally confusing. Lalit is the character, Lillette the real person, Dubey the last name of the real person, Dubey the name of the character...
dubber: i'm not the DJ...
Eye: Indian weddings are GRAND and EPIC and so is this LUSH film.
Vasundhara Das: LOOK AT MY EYES. case closed. i'm not that other Indian chick who was the Queen of the Internet in 1999, most downloadable image on printer paper...
Dirg: don't look at Vasundhara Das now.
Vas Das: HEY!!! everyone gets fat once they're married, it's called being SETTLED, dunderhead.
Vas Das: you numbnuts...
Laertus: orange posies are the BEST flowers. so symbolic and bright and festive, we're gonna have orange posies and rye bread at our wedding, Eye.
Eye Luggage: thank you, sir. i really mean it.
Laertus: and the RAIN!!! rain adds such atmosphere to a wedding!!! makes it all the more spiritual, meaningful, dripping with consequence.
Alanis Morissette: ...
Eye: you know what's weird? arranged marriages seem to work out more than marriages for love...
Mira Nair: okay, dubstress, can we get the dubber in here to translate the porn. now, i'm gonna need her to MOAN LOUDLY RIGHT AS SHE'S ABOUT TO CREST AND CUM. it's funny cos she's a grandma. what? i was the one who did The Kama Sutra, remember?...
in that stylish black cab...
Dirg: okay but that sister looks like the older fatter version of Parminder Nagra...
Parminder Nagra: get my name out your mouth, i did NOT cause the collapse of real TV for reality TV...
Ria: i played REAL soccer in school!!!
Ria: FUCKING COSMOPOLITAN MAGAZINE!!! that's how you live? with survey cards and quizzes? kids, think BuzzFeed...
Aditi: look at this one giving me marriage advice, my older sister who will never know what PASSION is.
Ria: i know i know, i'm the Janet from Three's Company of this film.
Eye: now see, this was VERY well done, at first you think of Ria as some dry dumpy stepsister who's jealous of her younger more glamorous sister, but we find out later the REAL reason Ria's so hesitant and skittish...
little girl: wait why is the word uxorious only found in vocab textbooks in India...
Dubey: see? orange posies are the best, this heart i made out of orange posies to declare my love for the maid is...
Eminem: hey you want me to rhyme those posies for you?...
maid: but i'm just the maid.
Dubey: no, you are my beautiful woman, my wifey, my life partner. LOOK!!! i did the Love, Actually thing first!!!
Dubey: i'll protect you when you get accused of stealing the rich family's jewelry. SHE'S AN ACTRESS, OKAY?!!! BACK OFF, GUYS!!!
Dubey's mom: is that you, Dubey?
Dubey: don't talk about avocados, ma, i'm too depressed to hear it. i'm so depressed i'm taking a shower with my clothes on.........not even this SUBLIME skyline view of the city of New Delhi can lift my spirits.
Princess Diana: i'm STILL here sitting on a stone bench at the Taj Mahal waiting for SOMETHING to happen...
Dubey's mom: we live in a cool substantial place.
gameshow host: not Slumdog Millionaire. yet. wanna fuck in the back of a cab in the rain?
Aditi: now that's romantic. i'm not a security system by the way. but what about your wife? oh yeah, that's what makes it hot.
gameshow host is accosted by police.
gameshow host: you think i'm a terrorist? cops are corrupt everywhere!!! if i'm a terrorist i'm a freedom-fighter for LOVE. free love, baby.
at the Coca-Cola stop.
Aditi: i don't want to marry you, you look like Joey from Friends.
Laertus: i felt so bad for the young boy who just wants to DANCE, just wants to be an ARTIST for Vishnu sake!!! MY life as a kid flashed before my eyes. LET THE BOY COOK!!! it's not effeminate it's forging your own path!!!
Stephen Curry: ...
Russell Wilson: ...
Laertus: no, not sports, that's the point. be a chef. be a ballet dancer. life is not all about CRICKET...
Laertus's dad: except, son, it is cos i want to attend a live cricket match before i die...
Takahashi: hey what's wrong with watching TV all day?...
boy: parents just don't understand. you don't understand me, no one does. and I'M the only one who understands the complicated dance moves!!! I RULE THE ROUTINE!!! boarding school, that's where shooters come from. and i ain't talking about no peashooters. as in peas as a main course of food.
Dirg: that Neha is one SEXY woman!!! dance, girl, DANCE!!! rope me in with your Red String of Fate.
Nina Gordon: ...
Dirg: yeah. typical male-on-male action. as in alpha-male pissing contest, two men vying to claim the girl by dancing with her, pushing and shoving to get in.........the girl not each other. in between faces, but not FACED like that.
Mardith: women like to be fought over. but there is such a thing as a group dance...
Laertus: oh. man. this is quite jarring. quite distressing stuff. this is a FRUSTRATING problem in India, the terrible treatment of girls and women. it's not taken seriously in the country which is still man-dominated. so an accusation like this would definitely fall on deaf ears and be excused away.
Eye: sick and depressing. why did the guy who looked like Richard Gere at the beginning have to be the grooming pedo rapist? now i wish that power outage never resolved itself and the lights NEVER came back on...
Dirg: why would any actor agree to play a sicko?
Al Pacino: it's bad for the soul to play the bad guy let me tell ya...
Ria: REAL TEARS, baby...
wife: are we gonna fuck?
husband: no, i need comforting from my wife now. i'm a man crying in tears.
wife: oh.........umm.........okay, alright, fine. *she rubs his back*
wedding photographer: i cannot in good conscience take this photograph. there's a lot of BAD JUJU around this group of people...lot of unresolved trauma floating around in ghost form...
at the golf course.
Lalit: LIV is not short for Lalit. i have to pay for my daughter's wedding. but i'm out of funds, this is embarrassing but can i borrow a few bucks? i had nothing to do with the Partition of India!!! i didn't vote for THAT!!! listen there are no documents here. i didn't bury anybody here.
Trent Reznor holding an umbrella made from yellow posies: oh god, that long sad dirge of a song that was sung by that woman there got to me. right in the feels. it was so sad even tho i didn't know the lyrics, i could FEEL the woman's pain as she droned on about a love that was never meant to be...
Madame Pons: the greatest gift you could ever give a woman is to BELIEVE her...it makes her feel, you know, like a human being worthy of worth...
Takahashi: now THAT's a MARCHING BAND!!! i never saw marching bands like that at my high-school football games...
Trent Reznor blowing a tuba: ...
Lalit: my family is everything, my family is my adopted family. i shall disown if i have to.........and not own vast sums of wealth if need be for the psychological health of my kids. i want what's best for my children. do NOT compare me to Archie Bunker.
Danny Boyle: and as the monsoon marriage begins here on this day, the music from the ending of Slumdog Millionaire starts to play...and play in your head again...that romantic slow adagio serenade...that glorious montage puzzling all the pieces together...the most BEAUTIFUL ENDING in film history tugging at your heart strings again...
The Red String of Fate: i'm a rope...
Ria: i'm not just a sucky spinster, i have feelings. too. which were forever crushed in my development. i'm not cold, in fact it's just the opposite, i'm the WARMEST person you'll ever meet if you ever get to meet me. really meet me. i am BELIEVED, and relieved. and now that guy over there in the rain looks cute again. g'night, folks.
MBC: we all know how dangerous the world is becoming, how UNSTABLE. stability breeds sustainability. that's how we forge the future. we all need to move away from the usual superpowers and move to new locations where we'll be safe, secure, and given space enough to be enlightened enough to pursue the noble goals of the next precious 100 years.
Benoit: yeah, many Americans are becoming Europeans. they're seeing the light.
MBC: i got my permanent passport. it's a feeling, you know? a feeling of dread around the bend, unease around the corner, slime on the sidewalk curb.
Billy Corgan, whining, throws sand in his own face.
Billy: wait it's called Mundoz? not Sandoz? fuck me. bye.
Billy jumps down from the shell and surfs on his guitar away.
MBC: we do this work to ease the monsoons. not just in India, the Pakistan floods, too. and the monsoons in North Carolina, Texas, and Arizona as well. yeah i said it, we are all stubborn sisters and brooding brothers. we are all rude relatives. we can't be bitches about the small stuff anymore, it's all BIG stuff now. WATER IS LIFE but it comes at a price.
Mira Nair: filming monsoons is quite atmospheric but i get your drift.
Benoit holding an ice cream cone in his baby pouch: i just want to start up my small ice-cream business again. that one store on the shell. not Shell. i got the perfect new flavor: dolphin-safe tuna.
Baby Lightray licks it.
Baby Lightray: no. but try this for an ice-cream flavor: Similac baby formula...
MBC: bro, we aren't gonna use that pink salt anymore...
Berwin standing up straight because he's petrified: what oh me? i got you, sis. i love you, sis.
Berwin dumps the entire contents of the large cylindrical can of pink Himalayan rock-salt pebbles of minerals into his mouth and swallows it all down.
Berwin: no more water for me anymore...
MBC hands Berwin a GIANT big sugar bowl to fit the ENTIRE square block of hard heavy Hawaiian brown sugar that's light...light-brown colored...
Greykid: okay but wait, what does MBC stand for?
MBC: Mother BeCause.
