HALFMONK: AT LEAST BELIEVE IN SANTA CLAUS (BUBBLEGUM CRISIS)

 

i turn the paintingboard around, there's a note on a green stickynote at the back of it, it's from Jen:

me: i read it in Jen's precise voice of course, i know it by heart:

Jen: if you have to choose between art and love, choose love

Kristof: remember, at any moment and point in time, everyone in the world doesn't give a fuck where you are and what you are doing.

Michael Weiss with an elf in his pants: this is especially true on Instagram.

Kristof: so live your life presently at all times.

Kristof shakes my hand by taking the long way round under my taint and butt.

Peter Griffin bounces a bright-orange basketball on his stomach-gut.

Peter Griffin: Saint Peter's, heheheheheheheheheheh

Alex Trebek: i absolutely HATE how they announce the next contestants the day before now. now nobody has any incentive to tune in the next day, all the mystery is gone.

Mardith from the monastery balcony: you know, we don't want a man. what we want is a sunset on the beach everynight to a purple sky and slow-jazz electronica obscured by a chewed-up-by-mosquitos waxcloth beige shade.

mosquitoes: we are always misquoted...

butt mitzvah: IYKYK

Hayden Panettiere: my last name means Pretty. i was bar-brawlin' YEARS before i met my boxer husband.

Dirg: take it from me, texting with your boss is no fun.

Takahashi: look, i like Attack on Titan as much as the next guy, but i have no idea the names of any of these soldiers...

Gladyce notices the cat familiars Mlem and Blep only sleep when curled up next to a shoe.

Santa: a wooden shoe? a clog?

Doryce: the cats have been asleep for a long time.

Gladyce: they're hibernating for two years from all the stress of the last two years.

Greykid: and we're not talking about herniating discs here.

Laertus: Dirg, i hate to break it to you, but themself is now a legal word.

Dirg: wait, even the Division II NCAA basketball players have tats?

Taylor Hawkins: it doesn't make a LICK of sense why Soundgarden isn't in the Hall of Fame.

Billy Corgan: when will I be in the Hall of Fame?

Taylor: i mean i talked to Chris Cornell personally about this just NOW...

Triple H: the H stands for the 3 hearts i've had...

Michael Weiss: for some reason it means more on Instagram: selfies show your soul, love matches stick, sexual propositions are taken seriously...

Maiara Walsh: my eyes aren't oceanic blue, they're Pure Blue Luminescence.

Mardith: babes, i gotta give credit to that one of your girls.

Madame Pons: which one?

Mardith: the one who stuck with her high-school-senior boyfriend even tho she's a freshman in college, when those two aren't even planning to go to the SAME COLLEGE!!! that's loyalty, babes. i'm admiring that commitment, i'm mirin from afar, i'm mirin that staying power from a long proximity.

Eddie Vedder with monk beard: it's sad when people turn to my music for the answer to life as if i'm their real Jesus, because i'm as lost and confused as they are.

Jen Pizarro: there's an airbnb in Arabi...

Jen Pizarro: ...what i stayed in before hopping over here to the monastery...

Dirg on a celebrity Instagram in the comments after she posts a picture of her great-grandmother who just died: 

celebrity: she was a beacon to us and the world.

Dirg: love and light, girl. and late. hey if you need to talk about it, DM me. vent in frustration all on me. vent all over me.

Lipton: our secret ingredient? sugarcubes.

McDonalds: fuck you Burger King, Frozen Coke ain't the domain of just you!!! we also serve Pepsi Nitro in Maple Syrup and Cracker Jack flavors, jack!!!

Knox guy at the monastery garden: elevated gardening elevates your soul. get a high trough today at my farm behind my car. thanks, folks.

Dirg: oh, so you don't stop for the Oscars but you do stop for Duke vs. North Carolina at this time of year, huh.

Oscars: but our ratings were good this year...

Coach K: Lily? is that you?

Weeping Angel at the corner of the stone church: did you see my cameo in Interview with the Vampire?

Celine from the Before Trilogy and Chris Rock have sex in the monastery vestibule next to the visitor lodge of logs.

Celine: Hollywood still sucks, i have to get funds from a man to make a women's film.

Chris: WOW!!! THAT is why i love funding female-made movies!!! money is the same as love!!! call me Finance Minister in bed.

Celine: yeah i know about you F1 guys. just to let you know, i only did this to get back at Ethan Hawke.

Chris: i am happy to see that your project gets seen by the right hands of a producer up the food chain, up the Costco network of air-tubes. which one was it again?

Celine: the fictional Cesar Chavez slash-drama/horror movie.

Chris: it's okay, kids, we kissed first.

Celine: we normally incorporate slapping into the sex but out of courtesy...

RuPaul: okay next on Drag Race is, let me put on my glasses and read this card correctly. oh it's Isaac Mizrahi!!! hello Isaac, we'd love to have you judge!!!

Isaac Mizrahi: i'm not here as a judge, i'm here as a contestant.

RuPaul: um okay but you know you have to be able to drive a Formula 1 racecar, right?

Laertus: hey Dirg, that Pliny the Elder beer bottle you're drinking, it's not Greek, it's Russian...

Dirg: really? *Dirg drinks the whole bottle*

the Nickelodeon Time Capsule buried on the monastery grounds is dug up by Butt with a shovel.

Butt: so it's 2042 already? my how time flies in a monastery!!!

Butt brushes the dirt off the silver disc and opens it:

it's the orange card from the Nickleodeon Awards show when Chris Rock and Jada Pinkett-Smith did Madagascar together...

Will Smith: ...

Laertus's dad wearing a scratchy beige robe and bouncing a basketball on the roofed monastery basketball court: remember, when the world seems bleak, remember that Kareem Abdul-Jabbar still lives in this world. Kareem is a TRULY bright and smart man, an old wise sage, the true prophet.

Kareem in a purple robe: i know what the fuck i'm talking about. even when it comes to TikTok toxic-bro culture.

Jerry Seinfeld wearing a bright-orange visor: i WILL be at that Duke-North Carolina game on Saturday.........not a joke, just a declarative statement.

black-ish: The Cosby Show without the baggage

Madame Pons: what i always tell my girls who are actresses, it's always the SECOND series that you land, you're gonna get cancelled first, then succeed. Bill Maher was on Wonderful World of Disney before Politically Incorrect... 

Dirg: 24 Months That Changed The World? wouldn't the title have had more bite, more pizzazz, if it were 2 Years That Changed The World?

Robin Roberts: ...

Jesus: ...

Pat O'Brien holding the chalice at the monastery altar: my name is Pat O'Brien and i'm an alcoholic. this isn't an Irish joke. whatever happens to me, my son is still Jesus.

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?

William Hurt: i agreed to the entheogen, but not the butt-chug.

Eye: Santa Claus: The Movie and go.

Dudley Moore: this proves one man can have ALL the power when it comes to making a movie. without ME this thing never happens, i organized EVERYTHING. i picked the writer, director, and producer. and caterer: Burger King. i cast the whole cast, made all the money flow, did the special effects myself. art imitates life.

Will Smith holding a heart-shaped glass vessel: ...

Dudley: because i play an industrious elf and i made all the special effects from wood. that's why this movie is big in England. why this movie is big ONLY in England. 

John Lithgow: let's face it, i'm not meant to be the bad guy. look at my face, it's not scary, my face is made of goofy clay. to this day people think i'm wearing a rubber mask. this thing was pure cheese. when i go to England i'm mobbed like the Beatles over there for making this, but you have to remember, these are the grown-up kids who in the '80s didn't have Harry Potter being made in the barn next to their street. now these fans all drive double-decker buses while snorting tea up their noses. and as we all know, tea does not go with cheese.

Laertus's dad: hello. it's me. this movie occurred at the perfect magic time in a kid's life: we're talking 1985, the greatest year of all time, during Christmas. it doesn't get any better for nostalgia. i had all the MERCH form this before i knew what merch was. my mom got me the Santa Claus: The Movie sweater i wore proudly to church. i got the Santa Claus: The Movie coloring book from a McDonalds Happy Meal i proudly colored in, secretly learning all the movie's catchphrases into my young addled brain. i colored outside the lines when it came to Dudley Moore's blank page...

Laertus's dad: this movie was BIG where i was from. they used the St. Cyril's stage for those glorious Santa's Workshop scenes!!! yep, everyone of a certain age, like 7 or so, was whispering about this movie and its scenes on the playground, talking about all the product placement and the boy and the girl and the reindeer and the secret at the end. in hushed tones which enlivened the fuck out of that Christmas that year. i remember seeing this in the theatres in dribs and drabs, fragments of blue scenes on blue screens. Christmas came alive for me in 1985, it became MAGIC for me for the first time. magic pixie dust. getting the Nintendo graybox that Christmas didn't hurt either.

reindeer: we look freaky. the animatronics are too good. there are no wires coming out of our necks. we are too scary for kids.

Jim Henson: thank you...

reindeer: if we talked, if we said English words, the kids would know we're robots. but because we neigh like real reindeer and move our necks convincingly, they think we're real animals really freezing to death in the snow!!!

Laertus's dad: i remember that scene as a kid, i didn't catch on then, but we are all supposed to realize that Santa and his wife and the reindeer DIE, they freeze to death in the relentless icestorm!!!

Alexander Salkind: i'm not salty, i'm too busy being kind. of course this thing wasn't a bomb, i can't make anything bad, i made Superman possible. the Christopher Reeve Superman!!! the GOOD one, the FIRST one!!!

Ilya: i helped. i did most of the work...

Ilya: if nothing else, i made Dudley Moore's dream come true. after all Dudley stated in Arthur to Liza Minelli that he was Santa's Little Helper. 

Liza Minelli: i remember that.

Jeannot Szwarc: i have a name you can never forget. even if you can't place the face. no i'm not a sniper. admit it, i directed your favorite show, i direct Law & Order: SVU...

Guy Hamilton: see? power. i'd only attach myself to this film if i could direct it, i'd star in it only if i could DIRECT it. direction is where the power is. direction is where the action is. and it needs to be shot in Los Angeles, Vancouver, or Rome.

Dr. Dre: shot in L.A.?...

Dre: with my nina gun?...

Eye: guys let's think of this movie if other things had happened and fallen into place: Brian Dennehy as Santa.

David Huddleston: Brian's Song? come on. Dennehy is not as warm as me. btw without my Santa beard i look like a bald-headed Monopoly villain.

Eye: and FREDDIE FUCKING MERCURY doing the end song!!! THAT would've sold soundtracks!!!

Dirg: Brian's Dong?

Archie Bunker: i would be the best Santa of course. cos i won't lie to the kids. i'll tell them the truth about the races.

Johnny Carson: and i'd make the best BZ cos no kids think my jokes are funny.

Ancient Elf: you dirty rat. this is the Magic Turtles movie, right?

kids: what time is this?

old-woman storyteller: it's the Middle Ages. the vendegum...

kids: vendegum?

old-woman storyteller: yeah this term is completely meaningless, they're elves. there's no reason why the word vendegum was invented. 

Marvel: we needed an adult term to sell the Santa Claus: The Movie comic book to adults, especially in Serbia. 

old-woman storyteller: i for one never chew gum, i only suck on Mentos as a tribute to Taylor Hawkins.

Santa: i'm a woodcutter so no more newfangled Nintendo talk. i make wooden toys. which are just called toys here. my wife's name is Anya. wait, ANYA?!!! you don't look like an Anya. 

Judy Cornwell: look at my tits under this heavy coat.

Santa: OH BABY, NOW i get it!!! okay you're an Anya!!! Mrs. Claus's first name is Anya, who knew? you were already a gilf in the '80s.

elves: how was the blizzard?

Santa: i told you, no talk of video games!!! 

Patch: you are Jesus Christ, you will live forever as long as you deliver the toys to the children.

Jesus: damn, i shoulda tried that when i was recruiting.

Santa: this workshop is AMAZING!!! it's so colorful and complicated and detailed and intense!!! are you sure i'm not dreaming? i didn't hit my head and start drinking Pabst, right?

Burgess Meredith: i am the Ancient Elf. i took this job cos they said i could get laser surgery on my eyes and not have to worry about glasses anymore...

Mrs. Claus: why is this ceremony like a Roman Catholic Mass?

Santa: how do you explain the time thing? why does Christmas Eve take 30 years?

James Caan: we don't have any mention of Santa from 1300-1400, our Rollerball SuperComputer rolling-water digitized aqua thing lost those records from its memory. 

reindeer: okay we'll do what you want but NEVER MENTION RUDOLPH. one of our deer has a red wire up his nose, okay? THAT'S IT!!! we eat magical glittery bowls of cornflakes to make us fly...

Laertus's dad: i remember that magic gold powder as a kid! it was like Lipton! 

Patch: i have so many ideas. like WeWork which the elves invented centuries ago, getting blood transfusions in the mail, and a system of air-tubes...

Orson Welles: and don't forget the cuckoo clock...

Santa: Mrs. Claus, we were in bed together just now.  inside this tree-knot bedroom hole. we didn't have sex, did we?

Mrs. Claus: no of course not, we're both in our pajamas.

Santa: why do your pajamas look like a roll of lime jujubees? 

Mrs. Claus sewing dolls: these handmade toys are creepy. they scare me. 

Patch: want me to tell you a tale?

Mrs. Claus: NO!!! it's bad enough for women now, the future is hopeless for us. i'm looking at Santa's old red suits, how i'd look in them. and thinking sad thoughts...

Patch: so let's AUTOMATE!!! tech will save us all!!!

Patch: i didn't win. so i comfort myself by reading. hey remember reading a book before you went to bed in the '80s? that was back when we all had flashlights...

orphan boy Joe: i look like Atreyu from Neverending Story!!! you don't have to sugarcoat life on the streets, Santa, i've seen adults drink WINE!!!

Santa: here, ride the sleigh through New York City at night. why the fuck are you flying CRAZY!!!

Joe: what, this is how traffic is in New York City. why can't these deer do the Super Duper Looper? 

Santa: they can't see, we stopped feeding them carrots and started feeding them cornflake dust.

Joe: they're gonna become Super Glue if they can't course-correct!!!

Violetta Laze waves at the sleigh from her New York City nightluxe high-rise apartment balcony. her cousins inside are kid-influencer Taffy Madras, Tarab, and Barat.

orphan gurl Cornelia: i'm not an orphan, i'm a gamine. i live in a mansion.

Joe: how can you be an orphan if you live in a mansion?

Cornelia: my guardian is a bitch woman, she only cares about math and using the correct spoon. you hungry?

Joe: no, i only drink Coke. but it has to be New Coke. leave it out on a tray outside like i'm a dog.

Cornelia: you're cute. i'd kiss you but i have braces.........but magically in the next scene i DON'T have braces!!! PUCKER UP, ATREYU!!!

Santa: fuck these cookies. i never signed up to be FAT.

Patch: it's just a poem, Michael Jackson wrote it, come on, live a little. 

Santa: no more cookies, no more bars, just give me fig newtons.

Laertus: okay here it is, a scene of the UTMOST PURPLE NOSTALGIA. i mean it doesn't get better for a kid in the '80s than a McDonalds in New York City in the snow. Chicken McNuggets dipped in beef tallow as the snow falls. 

Laertus's dad: yeah son, Fifth Avenue, this was back when the McDonalds was next to an adult theatre...

Groot: i'm an elf. who works on wood. this explains so much...

BZ: i look like a Rankin/Bass stop-motion villain in human form. is this the January 6 Committee? i love hearings cos i'm hard of hearing. shoddy toys? my company? nah couldn't be, you're gonna have to illustrate that to me with a graph and a chart.

Patch: socialism...

BZ: i'm listening.........BZ, busy, get it? 

Patch: do i get to do a commercial for your company? with a bunch of lovely ladies? even though elves are asexual?

BZ: *evil laugh* anything your precious little fairy heart desires.

Patch: here are laced lollipops. they turn people into human hot-air balloons. it evokes Mary Poppins but it's really more Harry Potter. these are the first vapes. and my car is the first Power Rangers Zord. 

Santa: BZ was right, humans suck.

BZ: speaking of suck, put the stuff in candy canes for my Christmas 2.........the holiday not the sequel to this movie.

Laertus: this breaks my heart. for my dad. here in the '80s they're already lamenting how nobody believes in the magic of Santa anymore. but they had it GOOD in the '80s innocence-wise compared to NOW...

BZ: ...and island girls in string bikinis...ah, THAT one, that line, that's where we finally got our PG rating.

Towzer: don't push me. or i'll turn into Bowser. and push you off a tower.

BZ: Brazil is famous for their unsafe toys. what is an unsafe toy anyway? kids have choked on the green slime of Skeletor's Evil Horde Slime Pit for years. 

Joe: you sicko! tying up a kid like that!

Patch: i'm asexual, remember? i just wanted Santa to see me. 

Joe: Santa doesn't eat carrots, he eats cookies!!!

Cornelia: you have to hurry!!! i wrote you a letter.

Santa: thank you for your letter, i received it 2 months later. hey don't blame me, blame that giant red Macy's mailbox. two of our reindeer are out sick with covid, let's do this!!!

Patch: look at this wood carving. it's a tiny statue that looks like Lionel Richie's head from the "Hello" video.

Joe: with the afro and Starbursts and everything.

Patch: Santa really DOES love me!!! all the toys we made will explode when exposed to heat, that's why my car is the first electric car.

Santa: Cornelia, you drive, i'm drunk.

Cornelia: this sleigh is fucked up, i can't control it! Donner, what the fuck you doin', buddy?

Donner: i can't fly, i'm acrophobic, i'm scared of heights.

Cornelia: you better learn fast! you don't want to end up stranded in the snow and have to start eating your own family!!!

John Lithgow: as i float up into the sky and float up into outer space, i now know what this is: Monty Python meets Superman...

Joe: can we stay?

Santa: sure, kids, there's plenty of room. don't worry, the missus and i don't have sex so you won't see anything untoward. 

Cornelia: but what about school?

Santa: FUCK SCHOOL, GET TO WORK.

Cornell ten years later: Cornelia? is there a Cornelia here?.........

*silence*

Sheena Easton: i did a good job on "It's Christmas All Over The World". my voice held up, i sang it loud and powerfully, it made you cry. when you sing in malls you have to really project your voice. if not, you won't get the chance to sing in halls... 

Dudley Moore: do you want to know what the music was i heard all around me as i died? it was Christmas music. g'night folks.

Santa and Dirg on the soccer pitch.

Santa making the "who cares?" sign with his arms: we out here. we on a field. there is a field. i'm turning over the reins. of my reindeer. to you. you are Santa now. you will be Santa to your cousins everyday. and most importantly, everynight. you're responsible for their gifts and keeping the God secret. they must NEVER NOT BELIEVE. the only thing you have to do is get a soccer ball past me into that goal over there. 

Dirg: i don't get it.

Santa: Santa has to above all else be good at sports.

Dirg: huh. i mean he is built like a linebacker.

Santa: fuck football. soccer is where it's at. Santa's gotta be intimidating to keep power. you can't be able to kick Santa's ass. Santa is a man amongst men, a leader, he huddles people together and stands on his own two suited-and-black-booted feet. this is for all the peoples of the world. 

Santa removes his red coat and is completely naked as he stands in the center of the goalie-net arms in the air waving his hands. Dirg stands a couple of inches away from Santa and readies the ball on a point on the grass, he takes off his shoe and kicks the soccer ball with his socked foot. the ball flies right into Santa's dick. Santa doubles over in pain.

Santa Claus: OWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE BALL WENT RIGHT INTO MY PENIS!!! MY COCK LOOKS LIKE A CANDY CANE!!! MY DICK HURTS LIKE THE MOTHERFUCKING DICKENS!!!