Friday, March 4, 2022




* Gael Monfils: and the tennis tributes come pouring in. as if my wife couldn't get any sexier. honestly i was thinking about divorce cos i was starting to get bored but not anymore!!!
Svitolina: i played the Russian player in my colors thinking this match was LITERALLY life-or-death which it is now.

* Nile Niami: maybe i should see if anyone at NAMI wants to buy The One...

* Putin: i unintentionally led to the demise of oil and the rise of everyone in the world having an electric car...

* Laertus: the problem with writing a novel is you never get to see the darn thing until 3 years have passed...  
Laertus's dad: son, being an encyclopedic writer is exhausting...

* Rugrats: hey Arthur, we did the "All Grown Up" thing first. we still have the VHS tape-cassette to prove it.
Madame Pons: i went to Patrick's Chocolates. got the lavender-flavored chocolates. tomorrow you'll be seeing lavender-flavored soap at LUSH...
Patrick Lavender: i'm voting for Biden in '24...

* Animorphs: uplift in science fiction? we did that first...

* Ukraine: we are in despair. oh to be frivolous again. Slava Ukraine.
Syria: why wasn't there this outpouring from the world during the Syrian War? because we don't have blue eyes?...

* Takahashi: if you're a comedian nowadays as you cruise the internet you gotta watch out, you gotta know where EVERY joke you see is sourced.

* Rollerball: why was the '70s the Decade of Dystopia?...

* Smurfette: the Amanita muscaria, that's the mushroom most people think about when they think about mushrooms, big red umbrella with white dots.

* Hugh Grant: mate if it wasn't for ME, you wouldn't have a career anymore!!!
Jay Leno: what are you on about, mate?
Hugh: YOU can't say that, you dirty American!!! i HATE cars!!! i can punch your big nose!!! i used to box at university!!!
Jay: i've never seen a British man get angry before.
Hugh: it's just...i've always liked David Letterman better, okay? plus i can't believe my Elizabeth Hurley dated that dirty criminal cricketer from our British penal colony on an island.
Shane Warne: you talkin' about me, mate? i'm proud to be Australian, we make the best iced beer. one thing my life taught me: i will never fucking TEXT again.

* Amazon
blue dress: it's okay if you're scared of commitment.
wedding dress: it's just committing to Amazon is hard, Amazon is such a terrible company to work for.
Billy Idol: ...

* Amazon Alexa
woman on sofa: i'm hard of hearing, that's why i'm dateless. i can't hear the gentleman callers.
cowboy: tense and suspenseful are not the same thing. the thesaurus will be the last book with a cover to survive the Computerization of the World. now let's get this "Old Town Road" video going.

* Phoenix: don't mock me, KFC, your tenders are heaven but i can't get them cos it's gonna rain tomorrow...
* T -Mobile
woman: you can't hide in a desert.
fat guy: i can hide in the tumbleweed. 
woman: oh i get it, this is the Squid Game audition.

* Eric Andre: i was gonna do another season of the show but the whole Naya Rivera thing was a total bummer.

* GEICO Gecko: the internet created introverts...

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: i can't get the KFC tenders with their one-of-a-kind special-blend hot sauce cos it's gonna rain tomorrow so i have to stick close and settle for rg burgers. the rg burgers Lemon Pepper burger, i swear the more i order this burger the less and less lemon-pepper i taste in the burger, it's a plain burger pattie at this point 

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