MAURY POVICH IS REPLACING PHIL MICKELSON

notes:

* Maury Povich: now you see, I am who you should follow. kids, i am your exemplar. don't hold that i look like Skip Bayless against me. i lived the best life, i crafted the most creative career. i've spent my life as America's Uncrazy Uncle. who is Jerry Springer? i have singlehandedly woven back the fabric of America by reconstituting the family unit in this country. everyone knows who their father is now. no more broken families. now i retire early and play golf till i drop dead on the golf course. MGA=Maury Golf Association, phew, that was a close one.

Connie Chung: Maury, you are NOT my father in the bedroom.

* me: whenever i pick up the monastery mail from the monastery mailbox, i turn around with my arms akimbo and i admire the new roof, i mire the roof, i'm mirin mirin mirin.

* Mehgan Markle: remember, when all hope is lost and the world seems bleak, there's still William and Kate out there steering us in the right direction. 

* Roger Ebert: i can't believe THIS is what the afterlife is...

* Emma Stone: I'M playing YOU in the movie.

Lana Del Rey: no, I'M playing YOU in the movie.

* Medieval mandolin: i was the real lute.

* Laertus: wait Cracker Barrel, wouldn't it be better to serve COLD syrup on hot pancakes?

* Julia Mousey: i'm colossal now.

* Gordon Ramsay: when i want a game hen i go to the supercasino, innit.

* Maiara Walsh: first night in New York City, i'm just gonna wander the streets and enter a random bar for music if it hits my magic meter. anybody want to join me and see where intuition takes us?

Violetta Laze raises her hand from the balcony of her NYC apartment high atop the skies.

Violetta: i just silently blessed everyone in this entire noisy city. Unity.

* Ice T: i don't know whether to buy an electric car or become a comedian... 

* Suzy Lu hugs Jillian Clare and wraps a crocheted scarf round her.

Suzy: it's okay, babes. cry it out. cry your eyes out in front of me i can take it. i propose a sad toast. to our dogs on the rainbow.

* Jonathan Brandis: you know The Neverending Story 2? that's where i am right now, i'm in that world.........except it's real.

* new level new devil: Coach K is a saint.

* Arnold Schwarzenegger: i was on The Dating Game but i only play a killer in the movies.

* Apple election

Emma's mom: Emma, you can be anything you want in this world.

Emma: thanks, mom. i'm running for Class President.

Emma's mom: you won't win unless you have an iPad Air.

* Microsoft Windows

twin doctors: hello, we're twin doctors. science is boring to our generation so we're gamers and dancers, too. i scored a perfect 1600 on my PSATs while at the same time playing the entire first Halo game in under ten minutes.

* Apple iPhone: this GREEN phone is really Seymour's plant...

* KFC: no more chicken sandwiches under a tanning salon. kids, haven't you heard? tanning salons give you skin cancer. instead eat FRIED chicken it's healthier for you.

* March Madness

Phoenix: yeah i don't get the whole volumetric thing, i'm looking at these graphics and these graphics don't impress me, it's the Meta Platforms experience all over again.

* Zooey Deschanel: people say I could play YOU in the movie.

Lily from AT&T: i got bigger tits. 

Zooey: want this crocheted scarf i made you? for a nominal fee. don't worry it's not red.

* Airbnb

Jay Z: B?

Beyonce: that doesn't necessarily mean me.

old couple: we're old. we're living for one more grand fuck the orgasm of which will send us holding-hands to Heaven together.

* Damian Lillard: see the beginning of my Modelo commercial? the balloons, Glory Ukraine.

* Allstate Precious Cargo: that's Ruby Bakery, not Rum Bakery.

ticket taker: i thought that mirror was black for a moment but it's just the light reflecting on a clear pane. if this WERE an episode of Black Mirror how would we know?

mom turning her head to focus on the back of her minivan: papier-mache volcano, classic. i don't know what's worse on the car-liners: if that red was spaghetti-sauce or paint. 

* Subaru: want to catch the eye of the hot pink-uniformed waitress at any trucker diner along the highway? show her you're an ADVENTURE man. or you could just grow a hacky beard and not shower for a month.

* Capital One

Laertus's dad: oh so THAT's why the NCCA Tournament basketball is so bright-orange, it's actually a glowing voodoo crystal ball.

Charles Barkley: black magic? i don't deal in that shit i'm Christian.

Spike Lee: Magic Johnson, who's black.   

Samuel L Jackson: this is my revenge for not being in the Harry Potter movies. i'm a fucking bunny who fucks like rabbits. where's my fucking salad?

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happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: Chipotle Pollo Asado. delivery in the silver UFO tray? i wish. but seriously, who the FUCK thought it was a good idea to have Simpsons, Bob's Burgers, and Family Guy NEW ON OSCARS NIGHT?!!! what the FUCK were they thinking?!!! have the Oscars really become that toxic that nobody watches them anymore? maybe they have.........somewhere underwater James Cameron is laughing.