the morning comes.
me: did we?
Jennifer Pizarro: sex in a monastery, the ultimate kink. i left you a going-away present.
me: am i going away?
Jen: you're the one who wants to be here, remember? it's wrapped inside a wadded-up tissue like your splooge or your looge after you chew gum.
me: more gum?
Jen: you gotta keep chewing that gum, honey. see the more gum you chew the more it relaxes those jaw muscles of yours and clears the wax from your ears so you're better able to hear ME in my divine wisdom when i tell you things, when i give you advice and life hacks. bye.
she glides away on the zipline...
i again read the back of the Monopoly card that also dropped from my tissue. lots of issue. balled-up issues. it's in scribbles and scratches, handwriting only i can read cos only i had written it, everyone's handwriting is that way.
me: i forgot about this. i wrote these rules to myself and of course forgot about them:
1. stop online
2. accept you will never find love
3. 2 years to live
4. i'm sacrificing everything for something that isn't there
the zipline snaps
but she got off it before. the line swings down as it falls hitting Kristof on his little red head.
me waving at him: sorry.
me thinking to myself: as if i had something to do with it.
Kristof enters without a peep of a sound continuing on to the church as if nothing bonked him on the head. i follow him inside. the church as always is empty and circular and vacuous and vacuum-packed.
i spot him in his usual corner way outta the way of the center altar under the spotlight naturally filtering up from the sun. i scootch to his side this time, usually i waste an hour in here doodling in the margins of my missal.
me: dude hey whats up.
Kristof remains silent and closed-eyed. i am in awe of his continual deep commitment to contemplation.
i tear a page off the missal book and flap it in his face, then flap it in my face, then i throw the page letting it fly like an airplane to the spotlight circle in the middle of Mass to break up the boring routine ritual on stage.
me: i want to see one of the priests pick up the paper cos i want to see the priest's butt.
potassium iodide: don't worry. there WILL be World War III. but then there'll be World War IV.
Zelenskyy: i mean why i gotta wear a suit? why can't i present and deliver facts to world councils in a drab olive-green fatigues-colored T-shirt showing off my muscles, WE'RE AT FUCKING WAR!!!
Brooke Shields: yeah Satanism doesn't bother me. a dog named Mr. Pickles? i had to climb up California Redwood trees to feed koala bears.
Suzy Lu: you guys despite my teeth i can still eat mole. the NHS sucks but don't worry i'm still your Commons girl, i'm still your Remoaner girl, i like Scotland either way. i take 15 tablets for my face but they're all useless, i might as well be chewing Flintstone vitamins. i WILL have wee Steejo babies with Steejo someday, one day, and if my kids become druggies i'll slap the little broodies and scare them straight with a showing of my old used VHS cassette tape of Trainspotting.
The Philadelphia Experiment: the first wormhole that's a regular-sized door
Jennifer Westhoven: i'm Dr. Jennifer Stone's mom. i look GOOD for being her sister.
Jennifer Fenton at the dusty monastery ranch with a peach-colored rope-lasso: horse therapy helps. horse therapy heals. here you have this 2-ton animal deciding to be with you, to walk with you, to comfort you with its ginormous heartbeat.
Trooke Bantor: and hopefully not crush you. just kidding.
Florida: we're just a horrible state. and a horrible state of mind.
Jennifer Aniston: there's nothing wrong with me. it's just that my ex is Matthew Perry.
Mardith: if you read The Secret when you were 12, it doesn't really count, you don't really get anything out of it, the benefit from it, doesn't ring true for you. i mean why is the world still massively fucked up and systemically wrong after the release of The Celestine Prophecy?
Madame Pons: right?
Mardith: what more does the world need than The Celestine Prophecy?
Dirg: i'm going to Ghetto Film School.
Mardith: i need to go back to L.A. Julia Stiles is fucking cool!!!
Rob Zombie: wait, the new Munsters film is gonna be PG? PG?!!!!!!!!! come on.
William Shatner: right?
The House on the Rock: not Alcatraz. has a rollercoaster. the first cottagecore...
corner sun: remember? on the page? on your kindergarten non-ruled looseleaf paper?
Live the band: our new album coming out and going completely under the radar just proves that the '90s truly are dead in 2022.
Kurt Cobain: that's what i've been trying to tell you guys.........my solo album wouldn't have mattered either.
Attack on Titan: THIS IS SPARTA!!!!!
Shenmue: Hand Massage, um, it's just palmreading.
Roger Goodell speaking from the monastery forest: there aren't enough white-ash trees in this country anymore to make wood bats!!! i feel for you guys, i really do.
Allison Mack: i didn't do anything wrong, i was merely a fan of the anime Berserk...
Madame Pons, gulping: Madame Zeroni, we are soul sisters, we'd make a good pairing. i'd drink that old catwoman's milk in one earthy quaff.
Laertus's dad: a novel is too obtuse these days, no one will read it, all writing needs to be in blog form now.
Laertus: no dad, your old ways were the better ways.
William Hurt: i was the one who started you off on your journey, huh. your Second Renaissance of Fine Film journey. Broadcast News.
Phoenix smoking ganja: it's spiritual ganja. yeah. i'm mad as hell and i'm not gonna take it anymore that you're dead.
Family Guy: we're done. there's nothing more to say or do with the family. we're done with regular episodes, from now on all we're gonna do is episodes where we parody 3 movies or tv shows each episode.
Alex Trebek: you know on Jeopardy when the winner wins? yeah the other two losers really DO NOT WANT to be lightly chatting with the victor right then at that moment.
Madame Pons: one of my girls, all she does is preen in front of Instagram all day.
Michael Weiss putting his phone down his pants: wasn't me.
Mardith: ugh i hate that. girls, use Instagram to educate young impressionable male minds before it's too late for them. the world does not need more weightlifters.
Degrassi Community School: our lockers, they're the colors of Ukraine!!!
Doryce at Mardith's computer workstation: how bout no silver forks next to the mouse? jus sayin, fingers you know.
Gladyce: why does the bacon smell like bread?
Gladyce: i used to put 5 salts on my fried eggs every morning, it took FOREVER to get all that shit on there! salt, pepper, Mrs. Dash who's Ms. now cos she got divorced from Ken, Old Bay shrimp salt, and garlic salt, there's no more onion salt sold ANYWHERE. it was my own recipe of Fivespice. i said fuck it one morning and i just pour salt on the damn egg-thing now. oh and tabasco sauce of course.
Laertus's dad: you ever be cooking bread and suddenly an idea for a novel pops into your head so you leave the stove and when you get back the toast has been burnt twice?
Shakespeare: i am joining the fight against Putin. you can't bomb a theatre and not snatch my heart.
Igor Novikov: i'm still here. i'm the Ukrainian Jimmy Fallon, just here wearing a different heavy-metal shirt each day in defiance.
Eye Luggage: The Black Hole and go. the cool one, 1979.
Laertus's dad: now it's MY turn. to talk about Grandpa. my dad. oh this brings back memories. painful memories. i'm hoping that by FINALLY watching this film with you guys, really watching it, from start to finish, my dad will forgive me from the shame and embarrassment i caused him, i put him through, oh i was such a snotty little brat when i was a kid! you see it was my birthday party but for the fraught age of 13. at 13 you don't really have kid parties anymore with the tinfoil hats and the unicorn ponies in the backyard. this is your first ADULT party. so i had to be cool to my friends. my dad had spent weeks planning this, he secured the last VHS copy of The Black Hole and was psyched for me to see it:
Grandpa: son, watch The Black Hole, it was Disney's answer to Star Wars. it has a cult following even to this day.
me: sure, pop.
Laertus's dad: dad was so excited to use his Blockbuster card!!! the look on his face. when partytime came of course i was too cool for school.
Laertus: it's always weird seeing your school classmates in another setting that's not school. seeing them in your house is freaky.
Laertus's dad: dad set up the projector screen, which was just a white towel. he was ready to roll but five minutes into it and i decided this shit was BORING. the other kids followed my lead cos it was my birthday after all, and EVERYONE LEFT. leaving just dad and a sad-looking piece of dripping cake in his mouth as he sadly but boldly continued on and watched this entire film alone till it was done and he turned off the projector aiming the light at his tongue. i am SORRY, DAD, I LOVE YOU!!!
Dirg: what did you teenage punks do instead, Mr. Laertus? poker with naked playing card? had your first beer by drinking the blue fluid coming out of the back of your refrigerator?
Laertus's dad: nah, we watched Bakshi's Lord of the Rings.
Laertus: wow. that wasn't really an improvement, dad.
Jennifer O'Neill: hi. i was supposed to be the babe in this. but i got in a car accident.
Yvette Mimieux: dumb bitch. you were wine-drunk on set, you didn't get the part cos you wouldn't cut your hair short. i shoulda pulled your hair to make it short!!!
Jennifer: i'm not into kinky Hollywood sex anymore.
Yvette: God can't help you now! you were a CoverGirl but i was a REAL model, cos no on knew my name!!!
Jennifer: bitch you had a secret marriage!!! i am wed to Christ and it's ALL out there in the open!!!
Mickey Mouse: yeah so we couldn't have a movie franchise that was bigger than US. so we competed with fucking Star Wars. i wanted to call this movie Star Ears. didn't go so well. so, we were forced to BUY Star Wars...
Yvette Mimieux using a mimeograph machine to make copies of her ass: the space suit i wore in this makes my butt look GOOD. when i'm floating upside down, is this what the short hair is for?
Mickey Mouse: yeah, think of the black hole as a giant blowdryer...
Mickey: i paid for this atrocity using my OWN money. the most expensive movie Unc Walt ever made! i wasn't pensive about it, i SPENT colored cash. because i was so poor during this period i have to confess, one of Minnie's babies i don't remember, i don't know his or her name.
Minnie Mouse: you're at a monastery, mouse, CONFESS YOUR GUTS OUT!!!
Mickey: Disney's first PG movie.
Rob Zombie: ...
Mickey Mouse: see the beginning part of this movie, the title card? those green graph-lines in space? first computer effects ever used in film history.
Bugs Bunny with a carrot for a baton and gun: oh NO. if we're talking about the beginning of the film we MUST talk about THE OVERTURE!!! right?!!! this is the LAST time a movie used an overture at the start like this. it is SO COOL!
Dirg: i mean it's a weird five minutes of a black screen and classical music. i thought either my VHS machine was broken or Los Movies was broken.
Captain Holland: wait am i Dutch in real life? we named our ship after a horse, get it?
Pizer: the vaccine's coming.
Durant: don't look at me, i can't talk to Kyrie when he's in the zone like that shooting 60.
Pizer: the vaccine for the next round of the remaining neverending variants.
Vincent: hi, i'm R2D2 but i float. i taught R2D2 how to fly. i look like if Oscar the Grouch were an astronaut. my face is cute enough to sell plushies, right? i'm highly existential. want me to repeat that Cicero quote that humans only know the first half of?
Ernest Borgnine: strangely, i'm here. i'm here on this crew but i'm not the comic relief. is Marty spelled with a D?
Elon Musk: ...
Pizer: Vincent is one of us! he's crew! he's fam! he's risking his life out there with a screwdriver for an finger!
Holland: don't be a pisser! don't be a puscifer! Vincent doesn't have a soul!!! let him drown in oxygenless space then let's see what philosophical quip he comes up with.
Kate: the Cygnus? that's my father!!!
Borgnine snorting iodide: you like The Mars Volta? me, too, their music is like late-stage Frank Sinatra when Sinatra was drunk all the time.
Bjork: i come from space. birds were meant to fly in outer space. World War V will be fought with Gundams.
Kate: i have ESP.
Captain: then why didn't you predict they'd shoot at us with lasers!
Kate: i can only communicate with robots.
Captain: that's a useless gift, robots are annoying.
Maximilian Schell: i'm evil cos i have an accent. look, i'm sorry for the Nazi films i did, okay? when you say my name the first thing you think of is cryptocurrency.
Hans: ah yes, now we all sit down to a leisurely Victorian longtable dinner with chandelier and a window-view of the Hole, a scene like if Final Space was real-life.
Durant: i've fallen for you, i want you in my bed. you are a genius.
Dr. Hans Reinhardt: thank you, i'm getting hard, too. kinda wanted Kate to feel this for me but whatever.
Durant: want to join me in the space shower?...
Alfred Hitchcock: DON'T DO IT!!! that's still Anthony Perkins, a leopard doesn't change his spots.
Dr. Hans Reinhardt: okay this is confusing, the big red bulky robot who's a weightlifter is named Maximilian after my REAL name, not my PLAY name...
Schell: and we're back. it's me. so i want to fly into this black hole because who knows what's on the other side? it could be Family Guy if Seth Green wrote all the scripts...
Borgnine: i saw a drone limping.
Zelenskyy: don't give us that one.
Borgnine: i took the mask off one of the scary black robots. i saw a human face look back at me. but don't worry, he was smiling.
Pizer: what's going on around here? is this like LazerTag at the mall?
Captain: you know that peoplemover we all rode on? the train that went outside in space in that clear glass-plastic giant tube? that's obviously the prototype for the The Black Hole ride at Disneyland!!!
Captain: i saw a funeral the robots gave themselves, i witnessed it.
Spock: that was my funeral.
Captain: i rifled through the crew's drawers, collected their personal effects. their personal items. i saw Yvette Mimieux porn, and Jennifer O'Neill porn.
Dirg: the Jennifer O'Neill porn is more valuable on the internet black market.
Roddy McDowall: i'm Vincent's voice. i sound like a very intelligent ape. who are you supposed to be?
Slim Pickens: i'm Bob, i'm you after a night of womanizing.
Vincent: you look beat up and beaten.
Bob: hey but i can beat you in this video game that's the Black Hole prototype computer shooting game.
Vincent: yep, i see the green crosshatch tornado lines. so all the crew is lobotomized?
Bob: therapy is therapy. of COURSE i won this laser-shooting game, i'm a cowboy in real life!
Durant takes the faceplate off the crewman.........it's the face of Rob Zombie.
Laertus's dad: DAMN! i mean FUCK! that is a NASTY way to die!!! poor guy gets ripped into shreds of flesh paper strips!!! his guts torn asunder into confetti!!! he gets riven by a rotating blade of steel!!! i wouldn't wish that on my worst IRS tax collector!!! THIS is where the PG comes in, it's not the saying of darn.
Maximilian: i was always such a quiet robot...
other Maximilian: as you can see red robot don't play. why are black holes purple?
Kate: great, i gotta be rescued by a man, this isn't the '80s yet. even tho it's the 2200s.
Captain: does anyone else have the Black Hole theme song stuck in their head?
John Williams: don't try me, buddy.
Kate: fine i'll kiss you, captain, at least it won't be creepy like when Anthony Perkins came up to me in my dressing room, i couldn't tell if he was serious or not.
Captain Kate from Star Trek: Voyager: don't test me, bub.
Ernest Borgnine: i deserve better than this space dreck, i'm a seasoned Shakespearean actor who played an everyman with a lunchpail, an old person looking for love. do you know what keeps retirees alive? money. i have a Catskills voice, too. imma kamikaze this shit. i had funny teeth, check them for the dental records.
Kate: i am traveling in the probe ship.........alone.
Hans: dammit i knew i shouldn't have gotten that big-screen tv to watch the Super Bowl. Brady didn't retire anyway! you OWE me, robot!!!
Bob: and now the lightsaber scene, even here while the court case rages on. i'm good with guns...
Vincent: ...and i'm good with swords. FLOAT, bitch.
Captain: okay Palomino crew, get ready to enter the black hole. remember, we're not entering the black hole, we've just taken some mushrooms. get ready for a DOOZY of a trip.
Hans: wait so i've become Maximilian now? or have i become the Devil?
Maximilan: same thing.
Hans: talk about Freudian. this is a LOT of fire. a LONG LONG LONG sequence of fire...
Captain: imagine the 2001 drug sequence but after having taken shrooms instead of acid. that arched crystal tunnel isn't a McDonalds.
Ronald McDonald snorting crystal meth in Russia: this movie couldn't get McDonalds as a sponsor...
Captain: the arched crystal tunnel isn't Heaven, it's Michelangelo's wad.
Yvette: i've had Miguel's wad, i'm Mexican, remember?
Pizer: wait so at the end of a black hole is a white hole?
Stephen Hawking: impossible. black holes exist, white holes CAN'T exist.
Kate: that was one wild Swingin Sixties afterparty. can i go back to my bouffant hair? who wants to stay in Paris? *singsong* i got casual coCAINE.
John Cusack: what was the picture of?
Stephen A Smith: John Cusack using twitter.
Yvette Mimieux: not using cocaine? call me Mimi.
Mickey Mouse: there was cosplay of this. yes. people dressed up for the world premiere. as the black robots, the red robot, even as Ernest Borgnine. i was stuck with all those fucking nerds in one place! i felt so uncool! this movie sucked. that's me in the black-and-white photo at the RadioShack next door eating a Nabisco pencil and trying to dig to find a Black Hole Cabbage Patch Doll inside the bottom of a box of cereal.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: this movie is shit. imagine the opportunity Disney had to actually explore the REAL science of black holes, we coulda molded young impressionable minds with rational explanations, not this Hell-Heaven shit. what is this, an episode of Lost?!!! i dunno, maybe if you make it darker...
Mickey Mouse: hey black bitch, remember who funds your Cosmoseses. *in Mickey Mouse laugh* haha. g'night folks.
Mlem and Blep the cat familiars spend this week in debilitating worry. all they do is look out the window to see nobody on the lawn. no Graykid. it rains all week, physically and symbolically, symbolic of their tears for him.
Dirg: the twins, i mean the male and the female one, what is it?
Sebastien and Daryna: oh it's time to open the presents!!!
the ethnic family who are now fully Americanized gather round the rotunda of carpet in the house's center. the teen kids in their pajamas wrestle each other to the pile of gift boxes. the boy opens his first, it's a Metaverse.
Dirg: yeah i wouldn't touch that, you have to live in the real world no matter how painful. OMG! i just gave someone GOOD advice, i usually hide the good advice from my enemies to hoard it for myself. this is how much you've touched me with your earnest sincerity.
Daryna: Santa got me a Barbie doll.
Dirg: Doctor Barbie, good. I DID IT AGAIN!!!
5 festive purple projector lights stream above the fireplace room from the balcony, whipping all over the house.
Dirg: um, can i ask a favor?
kids: shoot, cousin.
Dirg: can i go with you guys to Seb's soccer game tomorrow Saturday morning? can i pile in the van with the fam like i was one of you?
Dirg's dad: if it's okay with Santa.
kids: family is the only thing.
i start spilling my guts to Kristof, i can't help it, he has one of those faces.
me: i feel i can tell you anything, your face is so calm and caring, comforting and reassuring.
Kristof: i feel deeply for all living things, tell me your past and i've been there. even if we've never met.
me: well there was the time high-school summer i had to work at my stupid uncle's Body Glove surf shoppe in Manhattan Beach. he kept lording over me the fact that his house was already paid for, no more mortgage for him.
Kristof: i was there at the ship i mean shop, i rang the bell, didn't you notice me?
me: no i didn't know you yet. you're just like my dad i love it. that one time at the prom...
Kristof: i was NOT there pouring punch down my trousers crotch, for YOU were never invited to prom.
me: wow. uncanny. my first sex...
Kristof: i was in your bed, you never cummed, remember? you tried to cum but couldn't.
me: remember what i did after?
Kristof: yes, you had to get a win so you went to your mailbox and intercepted the bulk mail that was being delivered JUST before it would have squashed the potato bug that was living inside your mailbox. you saved a life.
me: i BLOCKED that mailman's glove. that fucking bulk of 10 catalogues all rolled into one behemoth of junk! 100-pound brick of death! there's gotta be something you can do about that...
me: and when i quit college...
Kristof: i was there, sleeping on the roof. in the sun, got my hair tanned. i saw you admiring the roof of the Admissions Building for two silent hours in the morning of your last day, like you were quietly waving goodbye to the real world in your head. you were admiring the work you had done, your work to nonwork.
me: yes. much like i admire THIS roof now. that settles it, you get me. you understand me, you feel me. i'm painting YOU now. from now on i'm painting ONLY you.
Kristof: okay but no nudes.