at the Ukrainian Tea Room inside the monastery.
Jillian Clare: now that i'm president i'm allowing myself to splurge a LITTLE. yellow poppies in a glass vase half-full of Perrier my good sir, that yellow powder puffing up is Elysium electricity. and my new cocktail of choice is Mushroom Moonshine.
Madeleine Albright: i'm old. i like old things. like democracy. and blue milk from the original Star Wars.
Suzy Lu: i mean if you look at Yale zoom lectures on the internet, are you really a Yale student?
Marie Yovanovitch: i for one am glad McDonalds backed out of Russia, i can finally finish these french fries. and have enough money for a new 'do.
Jillian: are fig newtons cookies or bars? this must be settled or i'm canceling teatime. why is there teatime anyway? people can drink tea whenever they want.
Rod Stewart: i fill my own potholes here at the monastery. Butt was kind enough to lend me his mansion on the hill instead of a guest cell. that way i don't have to buy an electric car. to me, EV stands for Evie, the only woman i ever banged backstage who wasn't a model. as a reward i was granted a Walmart commercial by President Bump. the first thing i saw when i walked into the Walmart was macaroni-and-cheese ice cream and i said fuck it and walked out.
Suzy Lu: can i just be normal? you guys i don't even want to be happy anymore, i just want to be normal.
Mlem and Blep the cat familiars: we fixed your dog. not like that. REJOICE!!! your dog is cancer-free!!! your dog can FLY now!!!
Dirg: i hate safe spaces.
FEMA: but this is a safe room...
Conor McGregor at the tearoom: i like Olive Garden so sue me. so box me.
Lance Armstrong at Ciclovia in Salinas: hello. my name is Lanza Brazofuerte. i am a brand new rookie rider. where do you go to get your tricycle? none of those vato bikes, okay?
Don Quixote: ...
Cameron Diaz: i didn't retire, i simply reincarnated into Alison Sudol.
Putin: come on, Alaska, i like pie too much. and all the ballerina studios in Russia are closed now.
Governor of Alaska: we only have Sarah Palin's baked cake.
Putin: come on, i just need another landmass so i can come over and visit you guys in Washington DC for that Christmas party.
The Great North and Jacques Pepin at the tearoom.
The Great North: it's not a true Baked Alaska unless you use a copper bowl.
Jacques Pepin: right? use the tip.........of the bakery gun. impregnate the eggs till they become filled with foam. fold your foam in, that's how you get the icing. use some pre-sucked ladyfingers if you're tired of eating cookie. i don't know what bread is, i only see crouton. lastly, you need someone to put the copper bowl against their tummy to hold it as you hold it to fill the pastry bag with your cum i mean cream.
Claudine Pepin: but i was your helper. mom was never around, now she REALLY isn't around. please stop, dad. you were never cool when my friends came over, they could never understand you.
Eye Luggage: just a pro tip, Laertus are you listening, cooking someone a SOUFFLE instantly makes them your lover.
grid walk: griddle cakes are not the same as waffles. or pancakes.
Gladyce cuts her fingers on the 3 boxes of aluminum foil cluttering up the pantry as she reaches for the individually-wrapped poundcake.
Gladyce: OW!!! DEAR! Doryce!!! there's a REASON!!! keep the fucking poundcake squares in their fucking box!!!
Doryce: did you see the box of ready-made meals Mardith buys now?
Gladyce: yeah, i have to empty those HUGE plastic jelly-packages of gel used to store the food. do not ingest that gel.
Doryce: yes. and to empty it don't throw it down the garbage disposal, you'll have 20 LUSH baths on your hands and toes for the week! instead cut the bag with a scissors and toss it in the garbage.........CAN.
Gladyce: i use my nails as scissors.
Taco Bell: don't worry, it's just a limited timeline.
Mickey Mouse: Taco Bell gets the red carpet. for hot sauce. The Black Hole gets the red carpet. where's my BLACK carpet?
Virginia Bell: not Pacific Bell & Electric for Virginia
Star of the Giants: imagine yourself in the late 1960s. you've been raised in Sixties Japan and you live in a tiny corner orange-carpeted apartment in a Tokyo skyscraper. you're watching the first episode of this as it premieres on a Sunday night after church. you're realizing that though this is a cartoon it's not for kids, a lot of fucks here. it's meant as a serious drama that just happens to be animated. lot of flashbacks to the war and atom bombs. and then you get giddy when you see the baseball boy in a robot-suit as he prepares for Episode 2 next week. THERE'S GONNA BE AN EPISODE 2!!! you thought this was a short one-off movie.
JK Rowling: why did i do it? truth is i've always wanted to have John Cleese as my best friend...
Michael Weiss combining Lipton Southern Sweet Tea sugar-powder and Onion Salt into one mix and eating it: yeah i used to have a public Instagram but that didn't go so well. i keep a private Instagram now...
siblingsordating.com at the Irish pub next to the teahouse: it's weird when your girlfriend looks like your sister tho, aye?
Mark Hamill: it took so long for me to get a verified Twitter i decided to go to Instagram.
Darth Vader: good choice. a choice infused with the Light Side of The Force. Twitter is a cesspool of scum and villainy.
H Jon Benjamin: sup bird. i can actually say that.
Doryce: rear differential, that's my butt.
Medusa candle: don't look at my flame.
Madame Pons: i'm only looking at your Uzumaki swirl.
Rafael Nadal: you know me, i'm a shrewd operator, my cracked ribs will miraculously heal just in time for me to win the French Open AGAIN. makes it more heroic. makes it more Nawlins, Louisiana.
Codrus: makes it more religious.
Vince Gilligan: remember, television writers are artists the same way painters are.
The Professor from Gilligan's Island: am i an artist? i made a Geiger counter out of coconuts.
Emily the hot ginger babe from the Walgreens commercial: i live a perfectly quirky life. i skip to the beat of my own drummer and i'm dating the drummer of the local town jazz-fusion band.
Rubikon: let's get more interracial couples up in here, until there really is no more race.
Emily: i drink from the faucet. the tap. and my parents played with puppets on Sesame Street in the '70s.
Dirg: you're urban in every way yet i'm obsessed with fucking this girl.
bungan: i'm a ripe sweetly-smelling banana. not your ripe putrid-smelling butthole.
Mayim Bialik: how did this happen? all i said was i liked the Gummi Bears cartoon from the '80s...
Titane: finally, real Transformers porn
Jaymes Young: i work for xfinity
Robot Chicken: you see us working, right? on the previous episode we talked about how we didn't need to impress a girl anymore with pretending to watch Lars von Trier movies. then the next episode we do a Melancholia spoof with Eeyore. so Seth Green obviously watched Melancholia to impress a girl during that week...
Seth Green: but i wasn't on a bridge like that student who suicided himself on Assassination Classroom. i have to watch that anime if i want to keep working for Cartoon Network.
Gladyce: i almost broke the cap off the Ms. Dash bottle!!! impossible to know where to open it!!!
travel brochure in the monastery gift shoppe with pictures of lakes and palm trees.
HERE: it reconnects you. by retconning you.
Geoffrey Chaucer at the beige-walled monastery pub: The Canterbury Tales (1972), i mean.........that's some scandalous shit!!! that film, i mean, i was never THAT sexy in my life!!! in real life i was your typical frumpy Santa Claus.
Eye Luggage: Altered States and go.
Laertus's dad: ...
Paddy Chayefsky: i get first dibs, bub.
Paddy Chayefsky: so yeah. blame it on my feisty Jewish passion or whatever. my fro and my nerd glasses, i was always trying to be cool.
Ken Russell: i was nice to you at first, you were the writer, i was the director. but there can be only ONE DIRECTOR.
Harry Styles: Highlander.
Paddy: writers NEVER get their actual words onto the screen.
Ken Russell: you complained because the color of the water in the isolation tank wasn't pink?!!! are you kidding me? you wanted me to show on screen the concept of multicolored blue lights escaping at light speed zigzagging across every plane and dimension of the universe hitting against planets asteroids and Stephen Hawking's wet frontal lobe, that's IMPOSSIBLE to show on screen!!! it's easy to WRITE anything!!!
Paddy: complicated means hard, not impossible. i shoulda been the director. because looking back, Blair Brown was FUCKING HOT.
Ken Russell: next time you want to show the birth of the universe, i'm gonna close-up the camera on Einstein's butt as he farts.
Paddy drinking green beer: suniverse, that's mine!!! sparkling suniverse. you were my 27th choice for director, 27: the hateful age.
Paddy Chayefsky: i died.
Bob Fosse: we had a deal. you died first, so i danced on your grave.
Paddy: Bobby, a confession, i had written absolutely NOTHING down for your eulogy, i had NO IDEA what i was gonna say.
Laertus's dad: are they gone? gone? okay. okay so here's the thing with this film. it just brings everything back to me and my frontal lobe, you know? whenever i see someone, the protagonist, the hero, trekking across the world, walking in beige cargo shorts with a walking stick with a shrunken blackened head on top searching for alternative answers to life, searching for that flower or that potion or that sugar-powder, it makes me want to get outside and do my own journey into stanky caves!!! i got enough Miles to fly an airplane into a volcano!!! to search for the meaning of life.
Janet Maslin: finally, a movie that uses multisyllabic words, haven't seen one of those all throughout the '70s!!!
Laertus's dad: i'm jealous of the Seventies. can you not see this film being the harbinger of things to come. into the Awesome Eighties. the Epic Eighties. the start of something new in the '80s for Hollywood, a new breed of brand new actors and actresses all taking the sword up, they're gonna guide us through pop culture with their wit charm and nostalgia. the purple nostalgia is being made NOW in a witches kettle in 1980.
Janet Maslin: this movie was attempting to answer what becomes of Man with the death of God. apparently Man needs a monkey suit to survive.
William Hurt: i tried mescaline, ketamine, and LSD. as research for this role. that's why i was always angry...
Dirg: altered states of consciousness. we had a chance in this country before hippies came along...
Laertus: you just want an altered state of consciousness where you mend with your dad.
Dirg: my father takes drugs.
Laertus: no, your dad is just your dad, that's what you can't stand.
William Hurt: pretty good way to start my career.
Drew Barrymore: mine, too. keep this between us but i liked this movie better than E.T., the science fiction in this is better, more logical. fine, i'll host the Oscars and have Zelenskyy speaking on the big screen at the Dolby Theatre, it's logical, right? i'm planning all this as a 5-year-old girl...
William Hurt: i'm Dr. Eddie Jessup but i don't like mint juleps.
Blair Brown: i'm not Tom Cruise's bar boss in Cocktail. i'm a woman, a beautiful woman. i'm the OTHER Emily, not the Emily in the Walgreens commercial, Emily Jessup, i'm a hotter ginger chick than Walgreens Emily, for one i don't have freckles.
Bob Balaban: i was in Big Band before Ricky Ricardo. i'm Arthur Rosenberg, you know my face, you know my BESPECTACLED SMILE, you know MY FRO. yeah it's me, the guy from Close Encounters of the Third Kind, the guy who FIRST smiles at the alien amid that blue smoke.
Charles Haid: was i a wrestling coach or something? i am ANNOYING AS FUCK in this movie. it DOESN'T HELP that i'm also smart, it makes it worse. i'm Mason Parrish.
Hurt: i'm studying schizophrenia, which isn't a disease. it's just another way to see the world. like autism. dunk me in this tank, this isolation tank, i want to lose a few pounds. deprive my senses, give me the maximum level of sensory deprivation before killing me. i wanna get high.
Balaban: have you run out of drugs?
Dirg: for the record, Timothy Leary did not want this for his children.
Hurt: i'm in training for the Moscow Olympics diving team...
Hurt: first year men will be able to wear Olympics speedos...
in the kitchen
Balaban: don't chase William Hurt, he's trouble, he's bad news, he's crazy. not like serial-killer crazy but that OTHER crazy.
Blair Brown: not all mad scientists have green skin.
Blair Brown: hi. i'm a whiz kid like you.
Hurt: oh you like cheese in a can, too? you need to go to the bathroom?
Blair: women don't pee.
Hurt: there's a body of evidence supporting my wild scientific claims.
Blair: and I got a body...
Hurt: wanna fuck?
Blair: right here on the university steps?
Hurt and Blair in bed
Hurt: nice red mood lighting, very demonic and Helly. as i cummed on your face all i could see was the face of Jesus on the Shroud of Turin.
Blair: jesus! yikes. wow.
Hurt: i want to talk about my dad now.
Blair: a man with feelings in the '80s?
Hurt: my dad was not religious. so i MUST be religious cos i'm his son, that's how the father-son dynamic works.
Blair: what is this, the series finale of Lost?
Blair: i want to marry you, i want to have a real normal life, not fantasyland in the college ivory tower. if it doesn't work out we shake hands and say goodbye and give it the ol college try. whaddaya say?
Hurt: see that girl in there behind glass? she's Linda Blair from The Exorcist...
Blair Brown: no relation. stop dodging my marriage proposal!!!
Blair: i KNOW you're crazy, sex to you is another experience, you fuck me like i'm being HARPOONED BY SOME RAGING MONK IN THE ACT OF RECEIVING GOD.
Codrus: and THAT, brother, is our mission as monks. only when monks fuck do they see the Eyes of Fuerza.
Balaban: they're getting a divorce?
Balaban's wife: oh dahlin this is the gossip portion of the show.
Hurt: university life sucks, the Ivy League sucks, i don't know how to grade papers, the grading system is completely arbitrary. hey, leave that isolation tank operable, i may want to be a professional baseball player one day.
Balaban: or float like a ballerina trying to get out of Russia?
at the Anthony Bourdain busy-street-corner street cafe.
Hurt: there's no God in Buddhism, Buddhism is atheistic.
Kurt Cobain: i wish i would have known this sooner before i named the band...
Hurt: i'm searching for alternate answers.
Blair: yes there's God, there's always God, it's just named differently, given different forms: it's the Self or Existence or Perception or Quanta or Tony Robbins.
Thaao Penghlis: my name sounds like Greek cake. i will be your guide. the Hinchi in Mexico have a hitch in their giddyup, they see things we never will. don't try to put the ventifacts in your backpack and smuggle them out of the country on an airplane.
Hurt: whatever, but i was hoping for Bill Hicks, he's the expert on all this psychedelic stuff, the psilocybin, the psychotropic suntan lotion, the desert drugs, the nightshade, the witchpot. he's known as the Peyote Coyote.
Bill Hicks: OMG DUDE the mushroom you're about to ingest is none other than SMURF VILLAGE ITSELF!!! no seriously!!! remember: pour all potions in your eye, eat all shampoos, drink the cave paintings.
Thaao: you know me, you know my face.
Laertus's dad: i do!!! Count Tony DiMera!!! you were MY DiMera growing up, Stefano had already died twice and was looking all fat shabby and schlubby.
Thaao: but i was good, too!!! well my twin was.
Jennifer Aniston's dad: yeah i didn't like you guys on Days of Our Lives, when the DiMeras moved in they kinda squeezed me out of being the main villain and i was out of work. Jen taught me yoga but i felt ridiculous.
Stefano: that one...
Hurt: OH FUCK I'M FREAKING OUT OVER HERE!!!!!!!!!!
Thaao: you haven't taken anything yet.
Hurt: i'm scared of fireworks.
Blair: why is it in your fever dream i'm completely naked and splayed out PRONE in the prone POSITION sticking out my long tongue? is this some sort of sick male fantasy?
Hurt: no it's MY fantasy, i have a thing for lizards.
Thaao: you're the Primordial Flower, William Hurt. not a mint julep. the brujo thinks you're a hot idiot.
Blair: huh, absent husband never gave ME flowers!!!
Soundgarden: okay during this fever dream is the perfect opportunity to discuss our music video for "Jesus Christ Pose". not the controversial musical. YOUR fever dream inspired OUR fever dream in this video. you have a ram with six eyes nailed to the cross, we have a woman nailed to the cross. to represent women's oppression throughout history. that's historically what happened to Mary Magdalene, right?, that's her on the cross. ours is a very similar video to Nine Inch Nails's video for "Head Like A Hole" when it comes to the wires and the pipes.
Arnold Schwarzenegger: yeah, very Terminator. why am i suddenly banned in Russia?
Soundgarden: we never made a song this hard again, with those long strumming shimmering strings of discordant dysphonic riffs like elongated rubber bands going back and forth. that was metal, friends, not grunge.
Hurt: look i know i had a fever dream but i did NOT kill that monitor lizard.
monitor lizard: YES YOU DID!!! i monitored you.
Hurt: my wife is still alive, that proves it.
Laertus: UM, btw, why would you what to LEAVE the natives!!! you should STAY with the natives and their cave-tribe wisdom, the REAL meaning of life. why go back to cities of confusion!!! sex isn't everything you know.
Eye Luggage: ...
Blair: monkeys have a better language than humans.
Hurt: hey can i borrow your cassette tapes of the monkey sounds? i want to prove Rick Dees is a fraud once and for all. hey honey, you can tell me, do you own a Thanos glove?...
Haid: people hate me. hey, x-ray tech, look at this X-ray, is that a monkey's skull?
X Ray Tech: no idea, first-year medical-school student. but YOU look like a gorilla.
Haid: looks like bone-on-bone. why are you in here late at night?
X Ray Tech: i'm waiting for my court date...
X Ray Tech: ...at night...
Haid: Night Court?
X Ray Tech: yeah, Night Court. i'm from New Orleans the birthplace of Nadal. i'm trying to get to New York City the birthplace of Federer.
Laertus: and HERE is where this movie gets ridiculous. when he turns into a monkey and starts running around the world causing havoc and eating brains. i was half-expecting him to photocopy his baboon butt. tho i am HEARTENED that this role is played by a graceful ballet dancer, a ballerina MAN. a ballerino, a danseur. now that's SWINGING TO AND FRO.
Blair: and suddenly this becomes Poltergeist. no mistaking that particular shade of glowing Poltergeist blue.
at the house.
Hurt: why'd you put up with me all these years and waste your life?
Blair: i LOVED you.
Hurt: what is love? is that like a blanket when you're walking around the house naked? honey don't hate me, but i forgot, do we have kids? i've been so distracted.
Drew Barrymore hands Hurt a packet of Reese's Pieces.
Hurt: honey i learned something today: life is meaningless, there is no God. i became an amorphous mass of primordial proto-matter of consciousness, it was a NIGHTMARE. THAT was worse than nothingness.
Paddy: what you learned was that love between humans is all that matters, dummy!!!
Hurt: i love you, honey, hug me.
Blair: i love how the movie ends with the camera on my naked butt.
Blair pacing around the apartment: why do women fall for emotionally-unavailable men? he never cared about me, he cared only about becoming a talking ball of goo.
Balaban: what did you do after the naked hug?
Blair: i divorced him. i made my own money, i became the first woman in the video-game industry, i created the Altered Beast arcade cabinet...
a-ha: wait the "Take On Me" video was inspired by Altered States? i don't see it. oh yeah, the Tron silhouettes and the banging of the body left and right against the hallway. g'night folks.
Mlem and Blep embrace Graykid, hugging him fully and heartedly with their full tails wrapped around him in a bearhug.
Graykid: weren't you scared of that giant raccoon?
cat familiars: of course. but we had to hide it. we had to be strong for you. we were shivering out there.
Graykid: oh yeah, forgot to mention, raccoons love subarctic temps.
Blep: i mean that FACE!!! you just never expect to have a giant raccoon face centimeters from your face staring at you with confused eyes at any point in your life. we were scared to death when we heard the bloodcurdling yowls coming from on top the new roof.
Graykid: i'm smarter than that at night. i painted my fur black, which was hard cos it's already brown.
Blep: why are you called Graykid? your fur is brown.
Graykid: cos my heart has always been gray. not grey the fancy British way. just ordinary gray. nobody loves me. from now on call me Grey.
Mlem: still doesn't make sense but sure.
Mlem and Blep: you are loved now. stay with us forever. we will form a trio for life. see it's not about biological devolution, it's about being happy with who you are and we are cats, we don't have to go back and forth up and down the evolutionary ladder.
the three cats lock paws and spin around in a circle on the monastery lawn. they spin for eternity without getting dizzy, always smiling and sticking out their tongues at one another giggling and purring.
Grey: thank you. i am a refugee from Ukraine, i lost my human family in the war.
at the soccer field Dirg squeezes into the minivan with Sebastien and Daryna. Sebastien wears danseur shoes and sweats a storm in his tutu. Daryna for her part perspires up a tidal wave inside her hot velcro dotted soccer shirt. both kids pant. Dirg sniffs all the sweaty shinguards lying around next to the car-liners on the carpeted car floor.
Dirg: this has been eye-opening for my mind, kids, i thank you for the experience. i thank you for your innocence. sports played for fun, how novel.
Dirg slides the door out of the van to talk to Santa Claus on the field.
Dirg: i want your job.
Dirg: i want to be the one to personally deliver the toys to my cousins. i got a year to prepare for next Christmas.
Santa: no you don't, this family celebrates Christmas EVERYDAY. but you have to do one thing for me to prove you're worthy.
i'm sleeping over at Kristof's cell. it's pitch black in here. no candles, no lights. just sounds, sounds of humans.
Kristof: what are you running away from? what are you scared of?
me: i don't know really.
Kristof: you want to return to the past, but you can't, as William Hurt demonstrated in this week's movie. you want tight control over every aspect of your life, a schedule for each day where you know exactly what's gonna happen. but you never anticipate what if your car breaks down and your schedule is ruined and your day is wasted.
me: car? the monastery is FULL of lost days. i feel there is a dark force out there that is keeping me from being with the happiness i want to be with.
me: i guess.
Kristof: how's the painting coming along?
me: i've only painted your cock.