notes:
* Duke vs. North Carolina: the biggest versus this weekend. i got the blue bloods winning. the only sport of game i stan involves a basketball, not the meat in McDonalds burgers.
* this is so strange, it really feels like a Saturday but it's a Friday
* USA vs. England in the World Cup: well it was nice for the U.S. to be nominated but we ain't winning the Oscar. hey at least we MADE the tournament this time. imagine if we end up playing Ukraine...
* the Carol Burnett Show theme song is haunting, it haunts my soul deep...
* Jim Cantore: i don't want to be in Jackson, Mississippi!!! why do i have to spend a week here?!!! the tornado will pass in 3 hours. i'm leaving.
* Chloe Melas at the Chris Rock comedy-club show: i'm only here for research.
Chis Rock holding the mic: yeah but you're at my late 10PM show, too...
* Shanghai, China: why do we look exactly like New York City?...
* The Northman: can we FINALLY have a Conan the Barbarian for the 21st century?
John Milius: right? what's the problem? revenge is primal.The Northman: make revenge grand by calling it vengeance.
* America Needs Fatima: we're a creepy organization. our mascot is a lifelike porcelain statue of the Virgin Mary with glassy eyes.
* Madame Pons: what i tell my girls who are singing actresses: look, you want to do Broadway someday? then you're gonna have to do Oklahoma at some ramshackle local theatre with no stage and one seat. nobody WANTS to do Oklahoma, but you HAVE to do Oklahoma.
* Phoenix: i actually wasn't planning on watching Wulin Warriors but Phoenix is in the show so...
* Ricky Gervais: i'm reteaching the world what a comedian actually is, what a comedian actually does, the world forgot.
* Dirg: go down to Joshua Tree Desert on any weekday and you'll see a gaggle of the most beautiful women in the world slumming it in sweatpants and a baseball cap.
* Doryce: how do you recycle the Dennys portable plastic silverware?
Mardith: recycle the plastic it comes in and the plastic fork spoon and knife, throw away in the trash the napkin and that tiny tiny tiny salt-pepper perforated tab.
* Seth Green: i created Robot Chicken so i could work with my friends, i never see my friends anymore.
Lucille Ball: same.........with I Love Lucy.
* Extra: will Will Smith's career take a hit? take a slap?...
* Jeff Rossen: nobody in Washington knows how to curb gas prices, BUT I DO!!! ONLY I DO!!! man, i should run for President or something...
* okay, Crypto, show that you're worth something, that your money is actually real. donate ALL of your company's worth and earnings to the Ukrainians.
* Google: a look can say a lot. your eyes talk when you can't speak. but you don't want to be given the evil eye by the popcorn girl at the movie theater. and let's face it, you'll never beat the look that boy from Close Encounters of the Third Kind gives to the aliens as they sail away.
* Rolex Oscars
Dorothy: why did i do that Wizard of Oz movie? it ruined my life. they gave me a Rolex watch and booted me out the door.
Jim Carrey: i would have sued Will Smith for $250 million. which is enough money for one bandwidth.
Winston Chruchill: ENOUGH!!! THAT'S A WASTE OF PAPER!!!
Sean Penn: i was playing Harvey Milk, but i looked like Roger Federer.
Robert De Niro: i couldn't watch what was on the screen: Nic Cage's pig movie.
Chris Rock: i got the last laugh. and the last triumphant yell aloud.
Amelie: what was i watching on the screen? Nic Cage's pig movie.
* Jake Tapper: what book am i reading? Fahrenheit 451, which you can't get in paperback anymore, only digital...
Alison Roman: i invented a new word: cookable
Eva Longoria: i'm not afraid to go out on a limb and say i WILL be better than Anthony Bourdain.
* Jimmy G: at Subway you get capicola like my Nona used to make.
Nona: i never cooked, i GrubHub'd everything back in the day. good thing my grandson's handsome.
Simone Biles: eh, Jimmy G's just okay.
* Mercedes Benz: your body is an electric machine. like our cars. why did humanity take THIS long to realize this? why weren't there electric cars 100 YEARS AGO? why is all the electricity here tiny blue balls like the bubbles of Pepsi Nitro?
* Princess Cruises: why are our cruises smooth sailing? no Disney mascots aboard.
steward: OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!! dammit. Nona i love dancing with you when you're in your wheelchair but you just ran over my fucking foot! it hurts like the motherfucking dickens!
* Jennifer Hudson: why didn't i win the Oscar for Aretha? why wasn't i NOMINATED for Aretha?...
* Grey Goose
Janet Wood: hello, i'm Janet Wood in the Three's Company reboot. Arcade Flower Shop is located in Arcadia.
* Lucid: why are our Air cars the best? we had a lucid dream about it...
happy weekend, my babies
TOMORROW: Pepsi vs. Coke. do i go for the Frozen Coke at McDonalds or the Pepsi Nitro at Walmart? Pepsi Nitro, which is Draft Beer in soda form, tastes smooth and creamy cos of those tiny tiny tiny bubbles...
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