Jennifer Pizarro and i in my monk cell.
Jen Pizarro: how is it you use the Phoenix Mirror more than me?
me: thank you for this lovely gift, it was quite thoughtful. a full-length body mirror with a carving of a wood phoenix on top.
Jen: but i'm the one with the body. you're a toothpick. here, have some chai.
Jen: see that's the thing, that's what you need to learn.
me: what?
Jen: you chase around girls who have left. they're no longer on social media. they have disappeared into the ether. you force your way back into their lives by incessantly sending them texts and DMs. have you ever stopped to think to yourself that THEY DON'T WANT TO RETURN!!! there's a reason why you can't communicate with them anymore: they want it that way. they don't want to be found. THEY DON'T WANT TO BE REACHED!!!
me: it's always hard to know when people unceremoniously go dark forever. are they sad and lonely? or are they livin' it up in Cabo and just not recording themselves and posting themselves ever again?
Gladyce: OH MY GOD I WOKE UP WITH MY EYELIDS ALL TWISTED AND I COULDN'T CLOSE MY EYES!!!
Doryce: what happened, babe?!!!
Gladyce: it went away. but then i couldn't open my eyes.
Esmeralda Navarro: you know me. you remember me. you recognize me. it's me, from those Sonic commercials. with the long-fingernail claws and Latina bouffant and painted eyes. i was in a roller-derby league that was the forerunner to Rollerball...
UK: we support Ukraine. take the first two letters of the country's name...
Dirg: when a woman is looking at 3AM at an Instagram DM you sent her, she's horny. she's feeling it in waves on her body.
Zahra Toya: writing really IS important.
Melissa Maker: yeah i'm not gonna do a video on how i made this jar of DIY body butter, i'm sitting on a gold mine here!
Chad Maker: I am her body butter.
Melissa: i have one of the last 2 thesauruses left in the world.
Suzy Lu: i make the big bucks when i cry.
Collectacon: we're not just artichokes anymore.
Arby's new fish sandwich: we FINALLY made something here that's delectable enough to challenge the Filet-o-Fish from McDonalds. our white cream is saucier!!! and has bits of red and green chives!!!
Latka Gravas: i don't like potatoes. and i don't like it when youtube projects their videos on potatoes and projects their ideas about the world onto my insecurities.
Sergiy Stakhovsky: i hope to see my wife and 3 kids again. and play the frivolous game of tennis.
Rachel Davies: i'm an empath aboard a starship. i wear a grey or blue full-body suit. i have a thing for vice presidents with scratchy beards.
Sheryl Lee Ralph: i would have given Tom Cruise a kiss so juicy it would have turned Tom Cruise blind, it would have turned Tom Cruise Catholic.
Calum Scott: am i a prophet? yes, yes i am. the street i walk down in my "You Are The Reason" video, it's the famous boulevard in Kiev.
Matt Talbott: Hum's song "Waves" has the lyric
inside the walls
Matt Talbott: so yeah i'm a huge Attack on Titan geek.
Oscar Isaac as a janitor: hey man i can help you with your writing.
Dirg: yeah right, pal, i'm no fool. i know that SNL sketch of the creepy celebrity-laced fanfiction writer was a shot directed at me and my alternative comics.
NCAA Skiing Championships: if it's not on tv, it never happened. for 68 years.
Mardith: 39 years.
NCAA: where's my bib?
Takahashi: first, we're friends, right? we're buds like that, right?
Dirg: sure.
Takahashi: here's your Elden Ring MAIDENLESS poster, hang it up on your cell wall.
Elsa Klensch: look at my mic box, i did Square One Television.
Puck from Real World: i'm back in L.A. i'm looking to rent a Baywatch watchtower with 5 other people. Jillian Clare drank all my Windex smoothie.
Jimi Hendrix: i'm one of the 5.
Humphrey Bogart: i'm not one of the 5. why'd you do it, Puck?
Teen Titans Go: the new superheroes S & P, did you see their costumes? their superhero suits?
P: superheroine suit.
Teen Titans Go: they wore yellow and blue colors. coincidence? i think not.
Laertus: i see yellow and blue everywhere now.
Celine to Ethan Hawke: it doesn't matter much commotion we get into, how combative we get, how many loud arguments we have funneled through colorful French swear-words instead of Budapestian euphemisms. how we fight over school schedules. grade school. the point is we're together for the long haul, we're in it for the long run, we're settled.
Gladyce: i figured out The Store!
Doryce: you did?!!! tell me, babe.
Gladyce: they keep the good stuff on those stands that jut out in front of each aisle. they're not at the register or on the shelves.
Doryce: sneaky.
Gladyce: that's where i found the iced-tea powder!
Doryce: the Southern Sweet Tea powder?!!!
Gladyce: no just the Raspberry powder.
Doryce: i also need one of those tea kettles you stick in your eardrum.
tanning nasal spray: don't worry, we come in bubblegum flavor.
Sean Penn pounding his chest at a park: this whole Russian War thing has made me feel like a man again!!! i have something to do again!!!
Zelenskyy: whatever the cost. i'm the modern Churchill. add some respec to my name, always add that extra Y.
Deepak Chopra enters the darkened ampitheatre of the TED Talk. it's hard to spot him cos he's wearing a long black robe with gold feathers. he stands on the spotlight on the stage and raises his arms legs and cheeks.
Deepak Chopra: ladies and germs, unfuck you. thank you.
Mardith: i can see into the future. i think thoughts deeply. my brain full of light language was Professor X's backup. is this why i'm depressed all the time?
Madame Pons: maybe you're just getting broody.
Alex Borstein: i mean listen to my TED Talk of my life story. i grew up on sin, raised in the household of Hollywood High. we were so bored, so truant, we played hooky and went to see the famous fingerprints and hands and butts in cement.
Mary Pickford: we did the wet-cement thing first.
Douglas Fairbanks: we were Hollywood's first It Couple.
Ben Affleck: fuck you! i hate you! all of you!
United Artists: at our formation, that's not Kramer from Seinfeld in the photo.
Alex Borstein: i mean think about it, we played hooky from the coolest school of all time. we were some jaded-ass kids!!! i knew i was gonna be an actress, that lifepath decision was made for me before i was born.
Ben Affleck: yeah, by me!
Alex Borstein: my punk friends and i destroyed the principal's car with a silver baseball bat in the parking lot. we saw a Datsun 200SX and our eyes turned red. but it wasn't Alex P Keaton's car, it was Marty McFly's car.
Laertus's dad: no it was my dad's car.
Buster Keaton: ...
Miss Ukraine 2018: Pinhead and Einstein, that would make a good sitcom.
Kurt Cobain: we can do this, we can save the planet, make it green again. give all the lithium from electric-car batteries to me.
Costco: we still have onions. but only for our introverts.
introverts: bravery?
Costco: no, hot-dog onions.
Trooke Bantor: i've been single for 10 years now, but i'm still going with the going-with-the-flow method, your method, your go-with-the-flow method. i'm still going with the flow 10 years on...
Mardith: thank you. namaste.
Mardith: i don't care what your MILLIONTH of anything is!!! it doesn't matter!!! every year of your life is a chapter in a book.
Eye Luggage: Rollerball and go, the cool one, the Seventies one, the 1975 one.
Keanu Reeves: this was the film that got me into acting. cos it was hardcore and brutal. in its roughness. and its rough philosophy. i was still a happy kid in the theater back then, watching it with River Phoenix...
James Caan: you couldn't hear the crowd noise, couldn't hear what they were chanting. they were chanting
JONATHAN
James Caan: but it sounded like ERROL FLYNN. who is a MUCH better actor than i am. and was in this movie.
John Houseman: i'm the Bond villain who gives little wrapped chocolates to my maid's daughters.
Maud Adams: speaking of Bond...
John Beck: wasn't i in Midnight Cowboy? i should have been. wasn't i the main guy in Van Nuys Blvd.? i'm the Marlboro Man's wayward son, his Chet-Hanks son.
Truman Hanks: i just play PlayStation 5.
Jim Carrey: Tom Hanks, how could you?
John Beck: man life in America was so great when John Wayne was President.
Moses Gunn: i'm not George Wallace. the comedian George Wallace.
George Wallace the comedian: i took that name intentionally.
Shane Rimmer: you've seen my face before. you know who i am. you think you know who i am.
Trent Reznor: ...
Nancy Bleier, with bleared eyes: i'm the only librarian you remember from this. after this i became a librarian in real life. Hollywood is hard.
Ralph Richardson: i am one of the THREE PILLARS of British man acting in the 20th century. only men take the stage. i was the quirkiest of the 3, i had a poetic almost magical almost mental way of acting and being in the world. i had views no one else had, not even my mother. Putin thought i was crazy. no harassment lawsuits to speak of so i'm cool, i could remain eccentric. Gielgud thought he was good. Larry Olivier can suck olives. i was the real man Walt Disney who was a robot was based on. when i did my lines i wasn't detached, i was depressed. i would phone Alec Baldwin for comfort but he was never home. Malcolm Gladwell told me to drink a Windex smoothie to get my voice to sound more like Sterling Holloway so i'd land more roles.
Laertus: wow, was this made in Munich after the Olympics incident!
James Caan: only place with a perfect circle for a roller-derby track.
Maynard James Keenan sipping wine: ...
Eye: Houston versus Madrid, the eternal rivalry.
Moonpie: of course one of the teams is Texas, we needed that red money. red-state money.
Laertus: well there's your first problem, you have a motorcycle on the track with the rollerskaters, that cannot end well.
Dirg: oh come on! you see how they're rollerskating?!!! they're dancing and prancing and gliding on their skates like aerobic pussies! this isn't ice dancing!!! these aren't real men in a real sport!!!
Johnny Weir: Rollerball isn't a real sport.
Mr. Bartholomew: you really ROLLED out there today, men. you're like the Los Angeles Lakers!!! of the next decade!!! here, Moonpie, take some of this casual cocaine, it'll make you think you're eating cheerleader moonpie.
Moonpie: but it's all a dream. cos i'm already dead.
Bartholomew: all executives want to be athletes. all athletes want to be actors. all actors want to have a private life.
Jonathan: what's with the giant silver balls for an office?
Bartholomew: *meowing* it's the future. but it's the '70s future. come over here and think with me, Jonathan, just close your eyes and think.
Jonathan: what do you call this?
Bartholomew: meditation, i made it up, it's gonna be HUGE next decade. in the '80s. retire.
Jonathan: no sir, mama didn't raise no quitter!!!
Bartholomew: i fucked your mom. we're offering you an INSANE severance package, an obscene amount of money, you'll never want again, you can stay at your beloved ranch the rest of your life, you'll be a potted plant, a cornfield zombie.
Jonathan: no sir, i've seen Severance, that is one wackass show, my mind is too slow for so many machinations.
Joan Severance: ...
Bartholomew: there are no more wars. only money. everything is fine.
Jonathan: but what about Ella? you guys fucked Ella. figuratively and literally.
Bartholomew: i know nothing about that. they said she was an ice-queen in bed.
Daphne: want some casual cocaine by the fireplace?
Cletus: sure. pills or sugar?
Daphne: both. where's Mackie? the girl you macked on before me.
Jonathan: how old do you think i am? got any Extasy?
Daphne: we're your girls. your girls you use to fuck the pain of your losses out on. that's why you're undefeated.
Jonathan: can you tell me about the Wars that came before?
Cletus: the corporatocracy. oh you don't want to hear about that, it was messy. it was a quagmire. like Vietnam and the Ukraine War.
Quagmire: giggity. i created the first fireplace with a leopard-print pelt. wait that was a real leopard?!!! the librarian's mine.
Cletus: focus on your multiplication tables, okay Jonathan?
Jonathan: but i don't understand Common Core.
Cletus: you be the brute, i'll be the spy.
Jonathan: wait the library has no books? it's just one big computer?
LeVar Burton: tell me about it.
Jonathan: you're a cute librarian but i cannot countenance this. i learned that word in the 4th grade. if i gotta go to Switzerland and fight Federer for the supercomputer i will.
Cletus: they're afraid of you cos you're an individual. individualism in this world is death, it disrupts the whole system, the whole order of things. if you're not a cog you're in danger. notice how there's only ONE Michael Jordan that ever lived.
LeBron James: they made Michael Jordan in a lab, that explains everything, that explains why i can never be him.
Jonathan: you can't come with me, Daphne.
Daphne: are you shitting me? you try to punch my face in on International Women's Day?!!!
Jonathan: you're a plant. i want to live the life of a potted plant. you're not paranoid i'm paranoid, i mean you're paranoid. i'm taking the chopper, i don't trust fixed-wing jet-fighter airplanes.
Daphne: and suddenly this turns into an episode of The Bionic Woman.
Jonathan: the rules of the game are simple, don't get killed. and don't learn how to ride a motorbike. when the silver ball comes shooting out of this silver chute, move your head if you don't want a concussion. hey skippy, why are you sleeping though my lecture?
Skippy from Family Ties: i want no part of your oil war, man. i'm a peace-loving hippie conscript against my will. a sport is a silent war.
Takahashi: you see what they're doing here? they're making it okay to make fun of the short Asian man rollerballers because they're highlighting that the Tokyo team probably uses some form of illegal woowoo martial arts that breaks backs and turns American men into anime fans.
Japanese spy: take the Japanese team seriously! they will KILL you with their kung fu!!!
Moonpie: don't worry, i just gotta rub their ganglia and they'll get off on it and die of a nosebleed.
at the Tokyo hospital.
Jonathan: will he live? can i have my dramatic bedside scene with Moonpie now?
anime doctor: one brawl too many. sign here and your friend's soul will turn into a cute spirit-cat who will drink all your milk.
Jonathan: can Moonpie still dream?
doctor: he dreams only of pussy now. not the spirit-cat.
Bartholomew: time for the Illuminati Zoom Call. when's the pandemic coming?
Roundtable: half a century.
Bartholomew: i don't care what anybody says, teleconferences are cool. wait where's David Bowie?
at the party.
Mackie: make yourselves at home, everyone. this mansion is in WEST Hollywood so go nuts. is everyone in their Clue cosplay? here have some casual cocaine in my lozenges tin. oh hello Jonathan, remember me?
Jonathan: does man really have that much bloodlust?
Mackie: i dunno, but YOU had a LOT of cum when you were with me, i swallowed it all, remember?
Jonathan: no, that had to be a trick! why do all the women go outside and shoot at tall trees with Battlestar Galactica lasers?
Wes Anderson: and suddenly this becomes one of my films.
Cuaron: YOU copied MY style.
Mackie: give em a break, they're just letting off a little steam, it sucks to be a kept girl.
Jonathan: okay i'm here.
Federer: and suddenly this becomes a James Bond snow scene. how did you get here?
Jonathan: i flew and boy are my arms tired.
Federer: i don't get that joke, you have to say it in Swiss. are you the famed ice king who can't score in bed?
Jonathan: i can score on the rollerball track, that's it.
Jonathan: all these mountains of tall towers for the Computer, don't you have anything pocketsized?
Zero: i am the sum of all human knowledge, except anything pertaining to Billy Corgan's childhood.
The Librarian: Zero here is actually one long tongue of Windex-blue saltwater taffy, the computer is all liquid, drink it and be merry. get drunk, that's all you can do. my name is Ralph Richardson, i have the initials RR, as in railroaded. i rang Merlin for career advice but he's never home.
Zero: i cannot help you. despite knowing everything. this reveals the flaw in having encyclopedic knowledge.
Laertus's dad: tell me about it, being an encyclopedic writer is not all it's cracked up to be.
Moonpie: maybe the computer should use flash cards. paper flash cards.
Jonathan: who makes the decisions?
Zero: God.
Jonathan: who is God?
Zero: a hologram run by a person.
George Jetson's finger: ...
Ella: look Jonathan, if you want me back as your wife, you have to not rock the boat, you have to be an unquestioning nobody in the System. it's the only way we'll all be happy, if you don't, only YOU will be happy.
Jonathan: don't try to Jennifer Pizarro me!!! don't try to Alana Haim me!!! i just wanted you by my side. me and you against the world, remember Paris? remember what we promised each other in Paris? i'm deleting the tape i made of you.
Ella: good, that tape was creepy and stalkerish.
Bartholomew: fine, defeat New York and become Champion, but you only win if you burn the rink down to the ground.
Jonathan: yes, i will burn the whole system down, symbolically.
Batholomew: that's not what i meant, i just want a new stadium.
Jonathan: i refuse to kill anymore, sports are meant to REPLACE war. pay close attention, i'm taking the world's first silent victory lap. look at my face as it hurtles towards you the audience at home as i break the fourth wall to classical music.
Howard Cosell: and now for the interview. so Rollerball is going to become a real sport. 8 teams, 1 league, run by Roger Goodell in the spring. how do you feel about this?
Norman Jewison slaps his forehead.
Norman: you seller, you MISSED THE WHOLE POINT of the movie!!! the point is this is what should NOT happen in society!!!
Cosell: come on this is tenable. we'll have Muhammad Ali advertise the league on tv, he'll go to each city and open up a soup kitchen to distract from the secret profits. fine, we'll substitute chili for soup one week.
Dirg: this needs to happen. Rollerball needs to be REAL and on Amazon Network. society's gotten too soft.
Cosell: fine, no contact sports. how about tennis? Rollertennis?
Ebert: all the classical music in here, this movie is just a tired A Clockwork Orange ripoff, no energy to it at all.
Caan: have you ever played sports, fatso?
Siskel: even I played sports.
Bach: the piece is my Toccata and Fugue in D Minor. get it right, you uncouth slobs. i was fat but even I played sports. netball. floorball at the elementary-school gym.
Takahashi does the video-game interview.
Takahashi: i mean.........you gotta admit.........the 1988 video game Speedball is INSANELY SIMILAR to Rollerball's Rollerball.
Speedball: no comment. and no paintball tanks please...
Zelenskyy: we have chess grandmasters in Ukraine, too. g'night folks. everyone around the globe, pray for Ukraine.
a big GIANT humongous raccoon is perched on the monastery roof!!!
Mlem and Blep the cat familiars: who are you?
Ranger Rick: the raccoon of death, with beady red eyes. just kidding, i'm just large for my weight i mean age so people are scared of me but i'm actually quite docile. look into my dewy puppy-dog eyes. i love the frigid cold i don't wear a coat. i love the smell of wet tile in the dead of night.
cats: was that you fighting on top of the roof?
Ranger Rick: there's nothing of value in a monastery!
cats: you're just lucky that the fence had to be sawed in half to make it a half-fence by government regulation thus making it easier for you to perch on.
Ranger Rick: don't these blokes follow God's law?
cats: what did you do to our friend Graykid? he hasn't been seen in weeks!
Ranger Rick: no idea to whom you are referring. late, i gotta rummage through that kid's backpack for some trail mix.
the cats hug on each other and cry together.
Dirg is gobsmacked, he cannot talk.
Dirg: who are you?
the boy answers then the girl. they are both dressed in cat pajamas.
boy: Sebastien. like Russian Disney.
girl: Daryna.
Dirg: damn, i mean darn. i mean how old are you?
kids: 15.
Dirg: and you still wear pajamas with the bottom as a flap-door held with a silver safety pin?
kids: he's coming!!! Santa's coming!!!
the kids race the beige-carpeted stairs up, up the waxy banister, and jump into their beds next to the giant gold circular body-mirror that's an extension of the glitter chandelier. Sebastien and Daryna kiss each of the two oil paintings of 18th-century Russian monarchs hovering over their beds then kiss each other on the mouth but in a brother-sister way.
kids: if we don't go to sleep Santa won't come!!!
Dirg sees the whole scene. he stands there in the diamond foyer, stunned. Dirg starts to cry, this is the first time Dirg has ever cried in public.
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