Friday, March 11, 2022




* at the Sesame Street Luis-Maria wedding.
Luis: contrary to popular belief, your name is Sonia Manzano and we DIDN'T get married IN REAL LIFE.
Maria: Sonia? but ain't real life just a dream? Sesame Street is real. it's a real street. full of alive puppets. and my name is Maria.
Luis: yeah honey but that didn't help West Side Story ticket sales did it. look babe, i want to branch out, y'know? i want to do off-off-Broadway. hopefully they still do experimental stuff and aren't in it for the money. i want to do Don Quixote Meets Mad Max. i have the perfect voice for less-than-100 seats, it's full of gravel, the same gravel used to make the Sesame Street road, it's deliberate and exacting, it takes its revenge.
Maria: you will always be mi esposo, forever, i forgive you for that threeway with Bert and Ernie.
Luis: historic, the first mention of the word "threesome" on public television.

* Sam Waterston: the Law & Order thing, it's a revival, not a reboot. i don't age. i age backward. does a man look better with a salt-and-pepper beard when he's a young man or old man?

* Peloton: our products will not give you a heart attack so let's move and get to our three:
bulky dad: hi. i look like i used to play for the New Orleans Saints. or i was in the army. neither of those things are true. i just need to lose weight or this gray T-shirt i always wear won't make sense.
woman: i became my own girlboss. cos they wouldn't let me have a desk with the bottom open so i could sport my leggings.
military dad: i WAS in the army. but it sucked. now i can't see my kids cos the government says they must be at school by 4AM.
pink lady: i like to bake. there is no religion, only food. all i see before me is cake not God. my birthday is ERRYDAY.

* No7
British clerk girl: worry not, they make this cream in America.
customer: i'm not taking ANY chances. i went to Boris Johnson's garden party, it was boring. why do they call it No.7?
British clerk girl: let's face it, the last Doctor Who should have been the Seventh...
customer: speaking of faces, gonna have clear skin TONIGHT!!! 

pirate: i used to crawl for lobster in the ocean until that fishing became illegal. it didn't faze me until i was boiled alive in a pot. now i just do crabs. there's a vaccine for that.
woman: i have arthritis. but i'm still the drummer in my band. they say music heals but my RA is fucking KILLING me with pain.
woman: why is there another drummer with me?
other drummer: try to keep in beat with me, follow my rhythm. that's all it is, you're not being replaced.
farmer's market woman: i have a tattoo of a red apple on my forearm.........nobody knows what it is, everyone thinks it's a red dot.
pirate: can we rename the boat not First Light but Purple Noon?
pirate: my insurance company wouldn't pay my medical bills, i had to pay for the RINVOQ, the deductible paid for one of my 30 covid surgeries.

* WeCrashed: we're not the same as young Sam Waterston and his wife in a black-and-white photo. we were revolutionaries back then, a tech prophet and prophetess. looking back WeWork could never work, people don't want to work together, they want to work from home.

* Keira Knightley's one-night-stand on the balcony: hey luv, you're wearing my fluffy taxi jacket. 
Keira: just cos you're on a balcony doesn't mean you get to be bottomless like Donald Duck.

* Moodus, CT: home of goths. the entire town is one big bog. the noises? those are bog noises.

* Gladyce uses the silver baseball bat from Alex Borstein to hit down and separate the potatoes o'brien.
Gladyce: what's the dealio? the potato cubes are LARGER now for some reason.

* Janet Wood from Three's Company: i had to fight the FTD monopoly so i joined ProFlowers. 
Jack Tripper: you were just mad naked Mercury instead of naked Janet Wood running barefoot is the FTD logo.
Janet Wood: hi. my name is Janet Wood. in real life. i'm a real-life actress named Janet Wood. times have been tough, tough to land independent parts independent of Joyce DeWitt. Hollywood is hard.

* Gladyce: you're a hosesniffer, right, babe? you like firemen.
Doryce: right now i just need a neti pot up my nose.

* Alastair Sim: i shoulda played Nosferatu.

* Ronaldo: no the man's name was Roland Doe. i have never been possessed by devil demons that would require an exorcism. but i am crazy. 

* David Tennant: i was feeling all wobbly till i got the Cubii compact seated elliptical!!! wee thing, wee little bicycle. fixed me right up!!! i pedal while i'm on the couch getting all lightheaded waiting for Jodie Whittaker to come on the telly. 

* Skip Bayless: i shoulda been a WWF wrestler in the '80s.

* Valerie Bertinelli: sup bird

* Doryce: finally got the iced-tea powder. in the 100-pound canister, that should last a week. first time i've ever been to a Walmart. what's the big deal about Walmart?
Gladyce: it's smaller than Costco but bigger than Target.
Doryce: Paris Hilton was my greeter. Putin was outside sulking and hawking his wares. he wore a shrimp on his pinkie finger and diamond earrings. he had vodka breath. he said he had one more week of freedom before his court date...
Gladyce: hey i got your solution.
Doryce: my Herbal Essences?
Gladyce: yes. just open the cap and let the rainfall-showerhead water fall inside the bottle. that's how your shampoo gets unstuck, how your shampoo unfucks itself.

* this site taught me about the concept of death...

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: Whopper Melt from Burger King. already had it! TODAY! Marina sure has changed since i lived there 20 years ago. today i wanted to change it up when it came to the Icee, i wanted a Frozen Cherry instead of a Frozen Coke. the white-cherry ice but i got the red-cherry ice, just goes to show you can never get what you want in life. 


ancilla_ksst said...

Luis was the best. This is very sad.

the late phoenix said...

ancilla: i know. and now William Hurt, his character in Children of a Lesser God reminded me so much of my dad: quiet, thoughtful, introspective, sweater-wearing, classical-music-loving