* Mary Nolan: my name woulda been cooler if it had been Mary NOLA.
* Alison Roman: i'm not fat. i'm a big girl, if you know what i'm saying.
* MAD Magazine: we were your Family Guy, Saturday Night Live, and Robot Chicken all rolled into one in the '80s. we were king of the pop parody game back in the day.
Laertus's dad: i want that MAD Magazine issue that has BOTH the Popeye and Altered States spoofs!!!
* Gordon Ramsay: put a dainty dab of olive oil on the cooked spaghetti on the plate when it's done so it glides-slides-swims down your throat-gullet.
* Michael Weiss changing the kitty litter: changing means cleaning. when you try to be profound on Instagram, nobody gives a fuck. they will only respond to your cat pics.
Mlem and Blep the cat familiars: *double-meow*
* Kurt Cobain: i'm done with music. i'm getting into anime animation. yeah i'm working on the new Fooly Cooly...
* Trooke Bantor wearing an Avenged Sevenfold T-shirt: i was raped at the prom.
horse trainer: oh my god. i am so sorry. i had no idea. i didn't know. i am so sorry for making fun of you. my personal slights are spacedust swallowed up by the universe's black hole of pain.
* Jennifer O'Neill: ooey gooey CoverGirl
Maiara Walsh: that shoulda been MY Brazilian contract!!!
* Coach K: did you see how we tried to deceive the American public?!!!
Lily from AT&T: yeah, heartbreaking. i really wanted to be in the same room with you acting with legendary actor Coach K from Duke.
Coach K: the camera pans to my face...
Lily: panders to your face...
Coach K: and i'm talking to the back of your head, which is just a mop. and then you say your lines with just you, i'm not in the scene.
Lily: what happened? you were too busy?
Coach K: in March i am.
Lily: let's make up for lost time, wanna do sex ironically on this table that covers me? your wife doesn't have Instagram, right?
Coach K: we'll tell her we were doing a promotion to see which Blue is better.
Lily: best not to do it in here. all the phones. let's go to a Starbucks...
* Chrissy Snow: hello!!! i did Baywatch first!!! Zuma Beach (1978), anyone?!!!
* Bjork: steer clear of anyone whose Instagram profile reads: working on 5 scripts and 3 screenplays
* Jon Stewart at the Congressional hearing: they did their jobs, years later DO YOURS!!!.........i can't help but notice that the oil painting behind me is unironically Bernie Sanders...
* Taco Bell
woman: i mean this is a Groundhog Day situation here. i repeat the same day over again in an infinite loop. all i want out of this harrowing existence is neverending Nacho Fries.
friend: why is a Mad Max guy named Sacha in a desert dune buggy chasing you all over the Gobi Desert?
woman: he thinks the nacho-cheese sauce is a rare liquid gold from the future-past.
* TJ Maxx: who do you think you are? you are woman hear you roar!!!
- i canceled plans and it wasn't cancel culture.
- Barbara Corcoran: i coach my city's MEN'S basketball team so fuck you.
- sorry, man, this stool is reserved for my Kate Spade bag. Kate Spade will mean more to me than any random barfly.
- imma jump in the pool. whose backyard is this? it's okay i can do anything i want i'm on the GUEST LIST!!!
- if you eat donuts whilst running you get Terminator arms.
- i'm not gay but i'm wearing a suit!!! i don't care anymore!!!
- gilfs at the diner: we're ordering the Smashburger dammit!!! the one with TWO meats!!! brisket on TOP of the beef burger patty!!!
* Dr Rick: this isn't a time capsule it's a freezer.
Eric Stoltz: ...
Dr Rick: i'm taking the lawn gnomes!!!
owner: but why just TWO of them?
Dr Rick: you printed the internet?
beard man: yes.
Dr Rick: where's your printer?
beard man: i did it by hand.
Dr Rick: this isn't a scotch egg it's a white meatball.
beard man: white meat? left over from last year's St. Patrick's Day which caused Brexit. you like Smiling Friends, too?
AND PHOENIX MOST INTERJECT HERE
Phoenix: hi. um, the thing is, velcro-ing your remote control to the corner of your tv tray so you don't lose it is BRILLIANT actually!!! inspired. not an old-person thing.
* Gap ad
street poet: i want an America whose job it is to make me free. free as can be. yeah, pretty cool, right? this was originally a '90s Gap ad, with the dutch angles and the black-and-white and the Kate Moss and the heroin chic. but we brought back the style cos the '90s were tranquil and we now live in FUCKED times.
happy weekend, my babies
okay, people, i don't know about you but i need to destress. i desire Men Plus Care. but the dank bottle of Inner Peace, i need HEMP in my Dove shampoo. going back to Walmart in Marina. also hoping to FINALLY find onion salt in the spice rack there. i haven't had onion salt in TEN YEARS, only garlic salt, my spaghetti is CRYING out to me grease tears at night. is going down to Sand City just for Jimmy Johnseses worth it? a black-and-white sub sandwich? just because of Brad Garrett as a mob boss? it basically comes down to whether you think the OIL-AND-WATER VINEGAR they drown their subs in from a plastic vinegar bottle held by a chain-link from the ceiling is worth it