HALFMONK: AT LEAST BELIEVE IN SANTA CLAUS (BUBBLEGUM CRISIS)

 

i turn the paintingboard around, there's a note on a green stickynote at the back of it, it's from Jen:

me: i read it in Jen's precise voice of course, i know it by heart:

Jen: if you have to choose between art and love, choose love

Kristof: remember, at any moment and point in time, everyone in the world doesn't give a fuck where you are and what you are doing.

Michael Weiss with an elf in his pants: this is especially true on Instagram.

Kristof: so live your life presently at all times.

Kristof shakes my hand by taking the long way round under my taint and butt.

Peter Griffin bounces a bright-orange basketball on his stomach-gut.

Peter Griffin: Saint Peter's, heheheheheheheheheheh

Alex Trebek: i absolutely HATE how they announce the next contestants the day before now. now nobody has any incentive to tune in the next day, all the mystery is gone.

Mardith from the monastery balcony: you know, we don't want a man. what we want is a sunset on the beach everynight to a purple sky and slow-jazz electronica obscured by a chewed-up-by-mosquitos waxcloth beige shade.

mosquitoes: we are always misquoted...

butt mitzvah: IYKYK

Hayden Panettiere: my last name means Pretty. i was bar-brawlin' YEARS before i met my boxer husband.

Dirg: take it from me, texting with your boss is no fun.

Takahashi: look, i like Attack on Titan as much as the next guy, but i have no idea the names of any of these soldiers...

Gladyce notices the cat familiars Mlem and Blep only sleep when curled up next to a shoe.

Santa: a wooden shoe? a clog?

Doryce: the cats have been asleep for a long time.

Gladyce: they're hibernating for two years from all the stress of the last two years.

Greykid: and we're not talking about herniating discs here.

Laertus: Dirg, i hate to break it to you, but themself is now a legal word.

Dirg: wait, even the Division II NCAA basketball players have tats?

Taylor Hawkins: it doesn't make a LICK of sense why Soundgarden isn't in the Hall of Fame.

Billy Corgan: when will I be in the Hall of Fame?

Taylor: i mean i talked to Chris Cornell personally about this just NOW...

Triple H: the H stands for the 3 hearts i've had...

Michael Weiss: for some reason it means more on Instagram: selfies show your soul, love matches stick, sexual propositions are taken seriously...

Maiara Walsh: my eyes aren't oceanic blue, they're Pure Blue Luminescence.

Mardith: babes, i gotta give credit to that one of your girls.

Madame Pons: which one?

Mardith: the one who stuck with her high-school-senior boyfriend even tho she's a freshman in college, when those two aren't even planning to go to the SAME COLLEGE!!! that's loyalty, babes. i'm admiring that commitment, i'm mirin from afar, i'm mirin that staying power from a long proximity.

Eddie Vedder with monk beard: it's sad when people turn to my music for the answer to life as if i'm their real Jesus, because i'm as lost and confused as they are.

Jen Pizarro: there's an airbnb in Arabi...

Jen Pizarro: ...what i stayed in before hopping over here to the monastery...

Dirg on a celebrity Instagram in the comments after she posts a picture of her great-grandmother who just died: 

celebrity: she was a beacon to us and the world.

Dirg: love and light, girl. and late. hey if you need to talk about it, DM me. vent in frustration all on me. vent all over me.

Lipton: our secret ingredient? sugarcubes.

McDonalds: fuck you Burger King, Frozen Coke ain't the domain of just you!!! we also serve Pepsi Nitro in Maple Syrup and Cracker Jack flavors, jack!!!

Knox guy at the monastery garden: elevated gardening elevates your soul. get a high trough today at my farm behind my car. thanks, folks.

Dirg: oh, so you don't stop for the Oscars but you do stop for Duke vs. North Carolina at this time of year, huh.

Oscars: but our ratings were good this year...

Coach K: Lily? is that you?

Weeping Angel at the corner of the stone church: did you see my cameo in Interview with the Vampire?

Celine from the Before Trilogy and Chris Rock have sex in the monastery vestibule next to the visitor lodge of logs.

Celine: Hollywood still sucks, i have to get funds from a man to make a women's film.

Chris: WOW!!! THAT is why i love funding female-made movies!!! money is the same as love!!! call me Finance Minister in bed.

Celine: yeah i know about you F1 guys. just to let you know, i only did this to get back at Ethan Hawke.

Chris: i am happy to see that your project gets seen by the right hands of a producer up the food chain, up the Costco network of air-tubes. which one was it again?

Celine: the fictional Cesar Chavez slash-drama/horror movie.

Chris: it's okay, kids, we kissed first.

Celine: we normally incorporate slapping into the sex but out of courtesy...

RuPaul: okay next on Drag Race is, let me put on my glasses and read this card correctly. oh it's Isaac Mizrahi!!! hello Isaac, we'd love to have you judge!!!

Isaac Mizrahi: i'm not here as a judge, i'm here as a contestant.

RuPaul: um okay but you know you have to be able to drive a Formula 1 racecar, right?

Laertus: hey Dirg, that Pliny the Elder beer bottle you're drinking, it's not Greek, it's Russian...

Dirg: really? *Dirg drinks the whole bottle*

the Nickelodeon Time Capsule buried on the monastery grounds is dug up by Butt with a shovel.

Butt: so it's 2042 already? my how time flies in a monastery!!!

Butt brushes the dirt off the silver disc and opens it:

it's the orange card from the Nickleodeon Awards show when Chris Rock and Jada Pinkett-Smith did Madagascar together...

Will Smith: ...

Laertus's dad wearing a scratchy beige robe and bouncing a basketball on the roofed monastery basketball court: remember, when the world seems bleak, remember that Kareem Abdul-Jabbar still lives in this world. Kareem is a TRULY bright and smart man, an old wise sage, the true prophet.

Kareem in a purple robe: i know what the fuck i'm talking about. even when it comes to TikTok toxic-bro culture.

Jerry Seinfeld wearing a bright-orange visor: i WILL be at that Duke-North Carolina game on Saturday.........not a joke, just a declarative statement.

black-ish: The Cosby Show without the baggage

Madame Pons: what i always tell my girls who are actresses, it's always the SECOND series that you land, you're gonna get cancelled first, then succeed. Bill Maher was on Wonderful World of Disney before Politically Incorrect... 

Dirg: 24 Months That Changed The World? wouldn't the title have had more bite, more pizzazz, if it were 2 Years That Changed The World?

Robin Roberts: ...

Jesus: ...

Pat O'Brien holding the chalice at the monastery altar: my name is Pat O'Brien and i'm an alcoholic. this isn't an Irish joke. whatever happens to me, my son is still Jesus.

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?

William Hurt: i agreed to the entheogen, but not the butt-chug.

Eye: Santa Claus: The Movie and go.

Dudley Moore: this proves one man can have ALL the power when it comes to making a movie. without ME this thing never happens, i organized EVERYTHING. i picked the writer, director, and producer. and caterer: Burger King. i cast the whole cast, made all the money flow, did the special effects myself. art imitates life.

Will Smith holding a heart-shaped glass vessel: ...

Dudley: because i play an industrious elf and i made all the special effects from wood. that's why this movie is big in England. why this movie is big ONLY in England. 

John Lithgow: let's face it, i'm not meant to be the bad guy. look at my face, it's not scary, my face is made of goofy clay. to this day people think i'm wearing a rubber mask. this thing was pure cheese. when i go to England i'm mobbed like the Beatles over there for making this, but you have to remember, these are the grown-up kids who in the '80s didn't have Harry Potter being made in the barn next to their street. now these fans all drive double-decker buses while snorting tea up their noses. and as we all know, tea does not go with cheese.

Laertus's dad: hello. it's me. this movie occurred at the perfect magic time in a kid's life: we're talking 1985, the greatest year of all time, during Christmas. it doesn't get any better for nostalgia. i had all the MERCH form this before i knew what merch was. my mom got me the Santa Claus: The Movie sweater i wore proudly to church. i got the Santa Claus: The Movie coloring book from a McDonalds Happy Meal i proudly colored in, secretly learning all the movie's catchphrases into my young addled brain. i colored outside the lines when it came to Dudley Moore's blank page...

Laertus's dad: this movie was BIG where i was from. they used the St. Cyril's stage for those glorious Santa's Workshop scenes!!! yep, everyone of a certain age, like 7 or so, was whispering about this movie and its scenes on the playground, talking about all the product placement and the boy and the girl and the reindeer and the secret at the end. in hushed tones which enlivened the fuck out of that Christmas that year. i remember seeing this in the theatres in dribs and drabs, fragments of blue scenes on blue screens. Christmas came alive for me in 1985, it became MAGIC for me for the first time. magic pixie dust. getting the Nintendo graybox that Christmas didn't hurt either.

reindeer: we look freaky. the animatronics are too good. there are no wires coming out of our necks. we are too scary for kids.

Jim Henson: thank you...

reindeer: if we talked, if we said English words, the kids would know we're robots. but because we neigh like real reindeer and move our necks convincingly, they think we're real animals really freezing to death in the snow!!!

Laertus's dad: i remember that scene as a kid, i didn't catch on then, but we are all supposed to realize that Santa and his wife and the reindeer DIE, they freeze to death in the relentless icestorm!!!

Alexander Salkind: i'm not salty, i'm too busy being kind. of course this thing wasn't a bomb, i can't make anything bad, i made Superman possible. the Christopher Reeve Superman!!! the GOOD one, the FIRST one!!!

Ilya: i helped. i did most of the work...

Ilya: if nothing else, i made Dudley Moore's dream come true. after all Dudley stated in Arthur to Liza Minelli that he was Santa's Little Helper. 

Liza Minelli: i remember that.

Jeannot Szwarc: i have a name you can never forget. even if you can't place the face. no i'm not a sniper. admit it, i directed your favorite show, i direct Law & Order: SVU...

Guy Hamilton: see? power. i'd only attach myself to this film if i could direct it, i'd star in it only if i could DIRECT it. direction is where the power is. direction is where the action is. and it needs to be shot in Los Angeles, Vancouver, or Rome.

Dr. Dre: shot in L.A.?...

Dre: with my nina gun?...

Eye: guys let's think of this movie if other things had happened and fallen into place: Brian Dennehy as Santa.

David Huddleston: Brian's Song? come on. Dennehy is not as warm as me. btw without my Santa beard i look like a bald-headed Monopoly villain.

Eye: and FREDDIE FUCKING MERCURY doing the end song!!! THAT would've sold soundtracks!!!

Dirg: Brian's Dong?

Archie Bunker: i would be the best Santa of course. cos i won't lie to the kids. i'll tell them the truth about the races.

Johnny Carson: and i'd make the best BZ cos no kids think my jokes are funny.

Ancient Elf: you dirty rat. this is the Magic Turtles movie, right?

kids: what time is this?

old-woman storyteller: it's the Middle Ages. the vendegum...

kids: vendegum?

old-woman storyteller: yeah this term is completely meaningless, they're elves. there's no reason why the word vendegum was invented. 

Marvel: we needed an adult term to sell the Santa Claus: The Movie comic book to adults, especially in Serbia. 

old-woman storyteller: i for one never chew gum, i only suck on Mentos as a tribute to Taylor Hawkins.

Santa: i'm a woodcutter so no more newfangled Nintendo talk. i make wooden toys. which are just called toys here. my wife's name is Anya. wait, ANYA?!!! you don't look like an Anya. 

Judy Cornwell: look at my tits under this heavy coat.

Santa: OH BABY, NOW i get it!!! okay you're an Anya!!! Mrs. Claus's first name is Anya, who knew? you were already a gilf in the '80s.

elves: how was the blizzard?

Santa: i told you, no talk of video games!!! 

Patch: you are Jesus Christ, you will live forever as long as you deliver the toys to the children.

Jesus: damn, i shoulda tried that when i was recruiting.

Santa: this workshop is AMAZING!!! it's so colorful and complicated and detailed and intense!!! are you sure i'm not dreaming? i didn't hit my head and start drinking Pabst, right?

Burgess Meredith: i am the Ancient Elf. i took this job cos they said i could get laser surgery on my eyes and not have to worry about glasses anymore...

Mrs. Claus: why is this ceremony like a Roman Catholic Mass?

Santa: how do you explain the time thing? why does Christmas Eve take 30 years?

James Caan: we don't have any mention of Santa from 1300-1400, our Rollerball SuperComputer rolling-water digitized aqua thing lost those records from its memory. 

reindeer: okay we'll do what you want but NEVER MENTION RUDOLPH. one of our deer has a red wire up his nose, okay? THAT'S IT!!! we eat magical glittery bowls of cornflakes to make us fly...

Laertus's dad: i remember that magic gold powder as a kid! it was like Lipton! 

Patch: i have so many ideas. like WeWork which the elves invented centuries ago, getting blood transfusions in the mail, and a system of air-tubes...

Orson Welles: and don't forget the cuckoo clock...

Santa: Mrs. Claus, we were in bed together just now.  inside this tree-knot bedroom hole. we didn't have sex, did we?

Mrs. Claus: no of course not, we're both in our pajamas.

Santa: why do your pajamas look like a roll of lime jujubees? 

Mrs. Claus sewing dolls: these handmade toys are creepy. they scare me. 

Patch: want me to tell you a tale?

Mrs. Claus: NO!!! it's bad enough for women now, the future is hopeless for us. i'm looking at Santa's old red suits, how i'd look in them. and thinking sad thoughts...

Patch: so let's AUTOMATE!!! tech will save us all!!!

Patch: i didn't win. so i comfort myself by reading. hey remember reading a book before you went to bed in the '80s? that was back when we all had flashlights...

orphan boy Joe: i look like Atreyu from Neverending Story!!! you don't have to sugarcoat life on the streets, Santa, i've seen adults drink WINE!!!

Santa: here, ride the sleigh through New York City at night. why the fuck are you flying CRAZY!!!

Joe: what, this is how traffic is in New York City. why can't these deer do the Super Duper Looper? 

Santa: they can't see, we stopped feeding them carrots and started feeding them cornflake dust.

Joe: they're gonna become Super Glue if they can't course-correct!!!

Violetta Laze waves at the sleigh from her New York City nightluxe high-rise apartment balcony. her cousins inside are kid-influencer Taffy Madras, Tarab, and Barat.

orphan gurl Cornelia: i'm not an orphan, i'm a gamine. i live in a mansion.

Joe: how can you be an orphan if you live in a mansion?

Cornelia: my guardian is a bitch woman, she only cares about math and using the correct spoon. you hungry?

Joe: no, i only drink Coke. but it has to be New Coke. leave it out on a tray outside like i'm a dog.

Cornelia: you're cute. i'd kiss you but i have braces.........but magically in the next scene i DON'T have braces!!! PUCKER UP, ATREYU!!!

Santa: fuck these cookies. i never signed up to be FAT.

Patch: it's just a poem, Michael Jackson wrote it, come on, live a little. 

Santa: no more cookies, no more bars, just give me fig newtons.

Laertus: okay here it is, a scene of the UTMOST PURPLE NOSTALGIA. i mean it doesn't get better for a kid in the '80s than a McDonalds in New York City in the snow. Chicken McNuggets dipped in beef tallow as the snow falls. 

Laertus's dad: yeah son, Fifth Avenue, this was back when the McDonalds was next to an adult theatre...

Groot: i'm an elf. who works on wood. this explains so much...

BZ: i look like a Rankin/Bass stop-motion villain in human form. is this the January 6 Committee? i love hearings cos i'm hard of hearing. shoddy toys? my company? nah couldn't be, you're gonna have to illustrate that to me with a graph and a chart.

Patch: socialism...

BZ: i'm listening.........BZ, busy, get it? 

Patch: do i get to do a commercial for your company? with a bunch of lovely ladies? even though elves are asexual?

BZ: *evil laugh* anything your precious little fairy heart desires.

Patch: here are laced lollipops. they turn people into human hot-air balloons. it evokes Mary Poppins but it's really more Harry Potter. these are the first vapes. and my car is the first Power Rangers Zord. 

Santa: BZ was right, humans suck.

BZ: speaking of suck, put the stuff in candy canes for my Christmas 2.........the holiday not the sequel to this movie.

Laertus: this breaks my heart. for my dad. here in the '80s they're already lamenting how nobody believes in the magic of Santa anymore. but they had it GOOD in the '80s innocence-wise compared to NOW...

BZ: ...and island girls in string bikinis...ah, THAT one, that line, that's where we finally got our PG rating.

Towzer: don't push me. or i'll turn into Bowser. and push you off a tower.

BZ: Brazil is famous for their unsafe toys. what is an unsafe toy anyway? kids have choked on the green slime of Skeletor's Evil Horde Slime Pit for years. 

Joe: you sicko! tying up a kid like that!

Patch: i'm asexual, remember? i just wanted Santa to see me. 

Joe: Santa doesn't eat carrots, he eats cookies!!!

Cornelia: you have to hurry!!! i wrote you a letter.

Santa: thank you for your letter, i received it 2 months later. hey don't blame me, blame that giant red Macy's mailbox. two of our reindeer are out sick with covid, let's do this!!!

Patch: look at this wood carving. it's a tiny statue that looks like Lionel Richie's head from the "Hello" video.

Joe: with the afro and Starbursts and everything.

Patch: Santa really DOES love me!!! all the toys we made will explode when exposed to heat, that's why my car is the first electric car.

Santa: Cornelia, you drive, i'm drunk.

Cornelia: this sleigh is fucked up, i can't control it! Donner, what the fuck you doin', buddy?

Donner: i can't fly, i'm acrophobic, i'm scared of heights.

Cornelia: you better learn fast! you don't want to end up stranded in the snow and have to start eating your own family!!!

John Lithgow: as i float up into the sky and float up into outer space, i now know what this is: Monty Python meets Superman...

Joe: can we stay?

Santa: sure, kids, there's plenty of room. don't worry, the missus and i don't have sex so you won't see anything untoward. 

Cornelia: but what about school?

Santa: FUCK SCHOOL, GET TO WORK.

Cornell ten years later: Cornelia? is there a Cornelia here?.........

*silence*

Sheena Easton: i did a good job on "It's Christmas All Over The World". my voice held up, i sang it loud and powerfully, it made you cry. when you sing in malls you have to really project your voice. if not, you won't get the chance to sing in halls... 

Dudley Moore: do you want to know what the music was i heard all around me as i died? it was Christmas music. g'night folks.

Santa and Dirg on the soccer pitch.

Santa making the "who cares?" sign with his arms: we out here. we on a field. there is a field. i'm turning over the reins. of my reindeer. to you. you are Santa now. you will be Santa to your cousins everyday. and most importantly, everynight. you're responsible for their gifts and keeping the God secret. they must NEVER NOT BELIEVE. the only thing you have to do is get a soccer ball past me into that goal over there. 

Dirg: i don't get it.

Santa: Santa has to above all else be good at sports.

Dirg: huh. i mean he is built like a linebacker.

Santa: fuck football. soccer is where it's at. Santa's gotta be intimidating to keep power. you can't be able to kick Santa's ass. Santa is a man amongst men, a leader, he huddles people together and stands on his own two suited-and-black-booted feet. this is for all the peoples of the world. 

Santa removes his red coat and is completely naked as he stands in the center of the goalie-net arms in the air waving his hands. Dirg stands a couple of inches away from Santa and readies the ball on a point on the grass, he takes off his shoe and kicks the soccer ball with his socked foot. the ball flies right into Santa's dick. Santa doubles over in pain.

Santa Claus: OWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE BALL WENT RIGHT INTO MY PENIS!!! MY COCK LOOKS LIKE A CANDY CANE!!! MY DICK HURTS LIKE THE MOTHERFUCKING DICKENS!!! 

TMIT: THE SLAP HEARD ROUND THE WORLD

 

did that just happen? did that really happen? the morning after and i'm still dazed and confused. watching that in real time was a truly surreal and bizarre experience. at first i swore it was a bit cos when Will Smith slaps Chris Rock the back is in front the audience can't see and it truly looked like an old WWF wrestling clothesline where there's no contact but you arch your back anyway.

but then i saw the Australian feed. talk about surreal. the vibe changes in the Dolby room, which is a big room. Chris Rock is shook and there's what feels like 5 minutes of dead air. Chris Rock realizes nobody's coming for him, he has to just continue reading the teleprompter and pretend that nothing happened. what is Chris Rock thinking as he teeters off backstage? 

and the Oscars for their part just continue on as if nothing happened. i mean it was STRANGE, the whole rest of the show nobody paid attention to any of the winners, that a deaf film made history, CODA, the deaf world, that deaf culture is being celebrated, nothing else but the thickness in the air, the slap is front of mind, front on the lobes of everyone there and around the world, all we're thinking. 

and the winners who come after this incident all look at Will Smith at the center-front of the audience right next to the stage, they all look at him as Will Smith stands up after each winner is announced and starts clapping for the winner and smiling at them with his trademark Will Smith gregarious smile as if nothing happened. you start to doubt yourself, you wonder if this thing actually DID happen. what a night.........somewhere an episode of Black Mirror is being written...

Will Smith: okay next year i'm sitting in the back...

Dave Grohl: the other drummer, not me...

Sean Penn: GREAT. now everyone in the world has FORGOTTEN that there's a war going on in Ukraine!!!!!!!!!! early in my career my first-ever job was as a blacksmith on an episode of Storybook International...

Rachel Zegler: it got lost in the mail. i kept talking about it and it happened, i manifested it!!!!!

Don't Look Up: if Melancholia was a comedy

narrator: finally FINALLY i announce the winner of the Oscar!!!

Regina Hall: i need to be on SNL yesterday.

Billy Corgan: yep, i was in Dune...

1. tell us your top two simple pleasures:

Pepsi Nitro. in Maple Syrup and Cracker Jack flavors.

2. you are being offered a day of pleasure but you must choose one of the following: 

a) sex

b) watching a big sports matchgame

c) fun times with good friends

why not combine all three and play a little 1975-style Rollerball?

3. the sun shining through your window in the morning---annoyance or pleasure?

annoyance cos Golden Hour only occurs in the afternoon...

4. if you uttered the words "pleasure me" to your lover, what would you want to happen?

her to put on the loudspeaker the song "The Pleasure Principle" by Janet Freud Jackson

5. tell us one thing you were most grateful for last week?

i'm glad last week is over, last week was a load. my birthday AND the Oscars in the same week, it was too much, nobody needs two tiny pink bags of goodies.

BONUS: what is the last thing you crossed off your bucket list? my bucket list, too much pressure. instead i grab my phone and Instagram under the covers and post it. but i forgot my Instagram password...

BONUS BONUS: are fig newtons cookies or bars?

teatime cannot start till we solve this conundrum. cookies are homogenous, right? like they can only have chocolate chips in them, not chocolate chips and a gooey peanut-butter center. but then what about black-and-white cookies? 

but they're bars, right? newtons are literally a fruit bar divided into 3...

i've never had a fig newton, i've only ever had apple newtons, that's why i'm bad at math. a fig fell from a tree i was doing math under and it hit my head and nothing happened.

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MAURY POVICH IS REPLACING PHIL MICKELSON

notes:

* Maury Povich: now you see, I am who you should follow. kids, i am your exemplar. don't hold that i look like Skip Bayless against me. i lived the best life, i crafted the most creative career. i've spent my life as America's Uncrazy Uncle. who is Jerry Springer? i have singlehandedly woven back the fabric of America by reconstituting the family unit in this country. everyone knows who their father is now. no more broken families. now i retire early and play golf till i drop dead on the golf course. MGA=Maury Golf Association, phew, that was a close one.

Connie Chung: Maury, you are NOT my father in the bedroom.

* me: whenever i pick up the monastery mail from the monastery mailbox, i turn around with my arms akimbo and i admire the new roof, i mire the roof, i'm mirin mirin mirin.

* Mehgan Markle: remember, when all hope is lost and the world seems bleak, there's still William and Kate out there steering us in the right direction. 

* Roger Ebert: i can't believe THIS is what the afterlife is...

* Emma Stone: I'M playing YOU in the movie.

Lana Del Rey: no, I'M playing YOU in the movie.

* Medieval mandolin: i was the real lute.

* Laertus: wait Cracker Barrel, wouldn't it be better to serve COLD syrup on hot pancakes?

* Julia Mousey: i'm colossal now.

* Gordon Ramsay: when i want a game hen i go to the supercasino, innit.

* Maiara Walsh: first night in New York City, i'm just gonna wander the streets and enter a random bar for music if it hits my magic meter. anybody want to join me and see where intuition takes us?

Violetta Laze raises her hand from the balcony of her NYC apartment high atop the skies.

Violetta: i just silently blessed everyone in this entire noisy city. Unity.

* Ice T: i don't know whether to buy an electric car or become a comedian... 

* Suzy Lu hugs Jillian Clare and wraps a crocheted scarf round her.

Suzy: it's okay, babes. cry it out. cry your eyes out in front of me i can take it. i propose a sad toast. to our dogs on the rainbow.

* Jonathan Brandis: you know The Neverending Story 2? that's where i am right now, i'm in that world.........except it's real.

* new level new devil: Coach K is a saint.

* Arnold Schwarzenegger: i was on The Dating Game but i only play a killer in the movies.

* Apple election

Emma's mom: Emma, you can be anything you want in this world.

Emma: thanks, mom. i'm running for Class President.

Emma's mom: you won't win unless you have an iPad Air.

* Microsoft Windows

twin doctors: hello, we're twin doctors. science is boring to our generation so we're gamers and dancers, too. i scored a perfect 1600 on my PSATs while at the same time playing the entire first Halo game in under ten minutes.

* Apple iPhone: this GREEN phone is really Seymour's plant...

* KFC: no more chicken sandwiches under a tanning salon. kids, haven't you heard? tanning salons give you skin cancer. instead eat FRIED chicken it's healthier for you.

* March Madness

Phoenix: yeah i don't get the whole volumetric thing, i'm looking at these graphics and these graphics don't impress me, it's the Meta Platforms experience all over again.

* Zooey Deschanel: people say I could play YOU in the movie.

Lily from AT&T: i got bigger tits. 

Zooey: want this crocheted scarf i made you? for a nominal fee. don't worry it's not red.

* Airbnb

Jay Z: B?

Beyonce: that doesn't necessarily mean me.

old couple: we're old. we're living for one more grand fuck the orgasm of which will send us holding-hands to Heaven together.

* Damian Lillard: see the beginning of my Modelo commercial? the balloons, Glory Ukraine.

* Allstate Precious Cargo: that's Ruby Bakery, not Rum Bakery.

ticket taker: i thought that mirror was black for a moment but it's just the light reflecting on a clear pane. if this WERE an episode of Black Mirror how would we know?

mom turning her head to focus on the back of her minivan: papier-mache volcano, classic. i don't know what's worse on the car-liners: if that red was spaghetti-sauce or paint. 

* Subaru: want to catch the eye of the hot pink-uniformed waitress at any trucker diner along the highway? show her you're an ADVENTURE man. or you could just grow a hacky beard and not shower for a month.

* Capital One

Laertus's dad: oh so THAT's why the NCCA Tournament basketball is so bright-orange, it's actually a glowing voodoo crystal ball.

Charles Barkley: black magic? i don't deal in that shit i'm Christian.

Spike Lee: Magic Johnson, who's black.   

Samuel L Jackson: this is my revenge for not being in the Harry Potter movies. i'm a fucking bunny who fucks like rabbits. where's my fucking salad?

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happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: Chipotle Pollo Asado. delivery in the silver UFO tray? i wish. but seriously, who the FUCK thought it was a good idea to have Simpsons, Bob's Burgers, and Family Guy NEW ON OSCARS NIGHT?!!! what the FUCK were they thinking?!!! have the Oscars really become that toxic that nobody watches them anymore? maybe they have.........somewhere underwater James Cameron is laughing.

HALFMONK: HARPOONED BY SOME RAGING MONK IN THE ACT OF RECEIVING GOD (I'M SKINNY BUT I'M NOT LIGHT)

 

at the Ukrainian Tea Room inside the monastery.

Jillian Clare: now that i'm president i'm allowing myself to splurge a LITTLE. yellow poppies in a glass vase half-full of Perrier my good sir, that yellow powder puffing up is Elysium electricity. and my new cocktail of choice is Mushroom Moonshine.

Mario: ... 

Madeleine Albright: i'm old. i like old things. like democracy. and blue milk from the original Star Wars.

Suzy Lu: i mean if you look at Yale zoom lectures on the internet, are you really a Yale student?

Marie Yovanovitch: i for one am glad McDonalds backed out of Russia, i can finally finish these french fries. and have enough money for a new 'do.

Jillian: are fig newtons cookies or bars? this must be settled or i'm canceling teatime. why is there teatime anyway? people can drink tea whenever they want.

Rod Stewart: i fill my own potholes here at the monastery. Butt was kind enough to lend me his mansion on the hill instead of a guest cell. that way i don't have to buy an electric car. to me, EV stands for Evie, the only woman i ever banged backstage who wasn't a model. as a reward i was granted a Walmart commercial by President Bump. the first thing i saw when i walked into the Walmart was macaroni-and-cheese ice cream and i said fuck it and walked out.

Suzy Lu: can i just be normal? you guys i don't even want to be happy anymore, i just want to be normal. 

Mlem and Blep the cat familiars: we fixed your dog. not like that. REJOICE!!! your dog is cancer-free!!! your dog can FLY now!!!

Dirg: i hate safe spaces.

FEMA: but this is a safe room...

Conor McGregor at the tearoom: i like Olive Garden so sue me. so box me.

Lance Armstrong at Ciclovia in Salinas: hello. my name is Lanza Brazofuerte. i am a brand new rookie rider. where do you go to get your tricycle? none of those vato bikes, okay?

Don Quixote: ...

Cameron Diaz: i didn't retire, i simply reincarnated into Alison Sudol.

Putin: come on, Alaska, i like pie too much. and all the ballerina studios in Russia are closed now.

Governor of Alaska: we only have Sarah Palin's baked cake.

Putin: come on, i just need another landmass so i can come over and visit you guys in Washington DC for that Christmas party.

The Great North and Jacques Pepin at the tearoom.

The Great North: it's not a true Baked Alaska unless you use a copper bowl.

Jacques Pepin: right? use the tip.........of the bakery gun. impregnate the eggs till they become filled with foam. fold your foam in, that's how you get the icing. use some pre-sucked ladyfingers if you're tired of eating cookie. i don't know what bread is, i only see crouton. lastly, you need someone to put the copper bowl against their tummy to hold it as you hold it to fill the pastry bag with your cum i mean cream. 

Claudine Pepin: but i was your helper. mom was never around, now she REALLY isn't around. please stop, dad. you were never cool when my friends came over, they could never understand you.

Eye Luggage: just a pro tip, Laertus are you listening, cooking someone a SOUFFLE instantly makes them your lover.

grid walk: griddle cakes are not the same as waffles. or pancakes.

Gladyce cuts her fingers on the 3 boxes of aluminum foil cluttering up the pantry as she reaches for the individually-wrapped poundcake.

Gladyce: OW!!! DEAR! Doryce!!! there's a REASON!!!  keep the fucking poundcake squares in their fucking box!!!

Doryce: did you see the box of ready-made meals Mardith buys now?

Gladyce: yeah, i have to empty those HUGE plastic jelly-packages of gel used to store the food. do not ingest that gel.

Doryce: yes. and to empty it don't throw it down the garbage disposal, you'll have 20 LUSH baths on your hands and toes for the week! instead cut the bag with a scissors and toss it in the garbage.........CAN.

Gladyce: i use my nails as scissors.

Taco Bell: don't worry, it's just a limited timeline.

Mickey Mouse: Taco Bell gets the red carpet. for hot sauce. The Black Hole gets the red carpet. where's my BLACK carpet? 

Virginia Bell: not Pacific Bell & Electric for Virginia

Star of the Giants: imagine yourself in the late 1960s. you've been raised in Sixties Japan and you live in a tiny corner orange-carpeted apartment in a Tokyo skyscraper. you're watching the first episode of this as it premieres on a Sunday night after church. you're realizing  that though this is a cartoon it's not for kids, a lot of fucks here. it's meant as a serious drama that just happens to be animated. lot of flashbacks to the war and atom bombs. and then you get giddy when you see the baseball boy in a robot-suit as he prepares for Episode 2 next week. THERE'S GONNA BE AN EPISODE 2!!! you thought this was a short one-off movie.

JK Rowling: why did i do it? truth is i've always wanted to have John Cleese as my best friend...

Michael Weiss combining Lipton Southern Sweet Tea sugar-powder and Onion Salt into one mix and eating it: yeah i used to have a public Instagram but that didn't go so well. i keep a private Instagram now...

siblingsordating.com at the Irish pub next to the teahouse: it's weird when your girlfriend looks like your sister tho, aye? 

Mark Hamill: it took so long for me to get a verified Twitter i decided to go to Instagram.

Darth Vader: good choice. a choice infused with the Light Side of The Force. Twitter is a cesspool of scum and villainy.

H Jon Benjamin: sup bird. i can actually say that.

Doryce: rear differential, that's my butt.

Medusa candle: don't look at my flame.

Madame Pons: i'm only looking at your Uzumaki swirl.

Rafael Nadal: you know me, i'm a shrewd operator, my cracked ribs will miraculously heal just in time for me to win the French Open AGAIN. makes it more heroic. makes it more Nawlins, Louisiana.

Codrus: makes it more religious.

Vince Gilligan: remember, television writers are artists the same way painters are.

The Professor from Gilligan's Island: am i an artist? i made a Geiger counter out of coconuts.

Emily the hot ginger babe from the Walgreens commercial: i live a perfectly quirky life. i skip to the beat of my own drummer and i'm dating the drummer of the local town jazz-fusion band. 

Rubikon: let's get more interracial couples up in here, until there really is no more race.

Emily: i drink from the faucet. the tap. and my parents played with puppets on Sesame Street in the '70s.

Dirg: you're urban in every way yet i'm obsessed with fucking this girl.

bungan: i'm a ripe sweetly-smelling banana. not your ripe putrid-smelling butthole.

Mayim Bialik: how did this happen? all i said was i liked the Gummi Bears cartoon from the '80s...

Titane: finally, real Transformers porn

Jaymes Young: i work for xfinity

Robot Chicken: you see us working, right? on the previous episode we talked about how we didn't need to impress a girl anymore with pretending to watch Lars von Trier movies. then the next episode we do a Melancholia spoof with Eeyore. so Seth Green obviously watched Melancholia to impress a girl during that week...

Seth Green: but i wasn't on a bridge like that student who suicided himself on Assassination Classroom. i have to watch that anime if i want to keep working for Cartoon Network.

Gladyce: i almost broke the cap off the Ms. Dash bottle!!! impossible to know where to open it!!!

travel brochure in the monastery gift shoppe with pictures of lakes and palm trees.

HERE: it reconnects you. by retconning you.

Geoffrey Chaucer at the beige-walled monastery pub: The Canterbury Tales (1972), i mean.........that's some scandalous shit!!! that film, i mean, i was never THAT sexy in my life!!! in real life i was your typical frumpy Santa Claus.

Eye Luggage: Altered States and go.

Laertus's dad: ...

Paddy Chayefsky: i get first dibs, bub.

Paddy Chayefsky: so yeah. blame it on my feisty Jewish passion or whatever. my fro and my nerd glasses, i was always trying to be cool.

Ken Russell: i was nice to you at first, you were the writer, i was the director. but there can be only ONE DIRECTOR.

Harry Styles: Highlander.

Paddy: writers NEVER get their actual words onto the screen.

Ken Russell: you complained because the color of the water in the isolation tank wasn't pink?!!! are you kidding me? you wanted me to show on screen the concept of multicolored blue lights escaping at light speed zigzagging across every plane and dimension of the universe hitting against planets asteroids and Stephen Hawking's wet frontal lobe, that's IMPOSSIBLE to show on screen!!! it's easy to WRITE anything!!!

Paddy: complicated means hard, not impossible. i shoulda been the director. because looking back, Blair Brown was FUCKING HOT.

Ken Russell: next time you want to show the birth of the universe, i'm gonna close-up the camera on Einstein's butt as he farts.

Paddy drinking green beer: suniverse, that's mine!!! sparkling suniverse.  you were my 27th choice for director, 27: the hateful age.

Paddy Chayefsky: i died. 

Bob Fosse: we had a deal. you died first, so i danced on your grave.

Paddy: Bobby, a confession, i had written absolutely NOTHING down for your eulogy, i had NO IDEA what i was gonna say.

Laertus's dad: are they gone? gone? okay. okay so here's the thing with this film. it just brings everything back to me and my frontal lobe, you know? whenever i see someone, the protagonist, the hero, trekking across the world, walking in beige cargo shorts with a walking stick with a shrunken blackened head on top searching for alternative answers to life, searching for that flower or that potion or that sugar-powder, it makes me want to get outside and do my own journey into stanky caves!!! i got enough Miles to fly an airplane into a volcano!!! to search for the meaning of life.

Janet Maslin: finally, a movie that uses multisyllabic words, haven't seen one of those all throughout the '70s!!! 

Laertus's dad: i'm jealous of the Seventies. can you not see this film being the harbinger of things to come. into the Awesome Eighties. the Epic Eighties. the start of something new in the '80s for Hollywood, a new breed of brand new actors and actresses all taking the sword up, they're gonna guide us through pop culture with their wit charm and nostalgia. the purple nostalgia is being made NOW in a witches kettle in 1980.

Janet Maslin: this movie was attempting to answer what becomes of Man with the death of God. apparently Man needs a monkey suit to survive.

William Hurt: i tried mescaline, ketamine, and LSD. as research for this role. that's why i was always angry...

Dirg: altered states of consciousness. we had a chance in this country before hippies came along...

Laertus: you just want an altered state of consciousness where you mend with your dad.

Dirg: my father takes drugs.

Laertus: no, your dad is just your dad, that's what you can't stand.

William Hurt: pretty good way to start my career.

Drew Barrymore: mine, too. keep this between us but i liked this movie better than E.T., the science fiction in this is better, more logical. fine, i'll host the Oscars and have Zelenskyy speaking on the big screen at the Dolby Theatre, it's logical, right? i'm planning all this as a 5-year-old girl...

William Hurt: i'm Dr. Eddie Jessup but i don't like mint juleps. 

Blair Brown: i'm not Tom Cruise's bar boss in Cocktail. i'm a woman, a beautiful woman. i'm the OTHER Emily, not the Emily in the Walgreens commercial, Emily Jessup, i'm a hotter ginger chick than Walgreens Emily, for one i don't have freckles.

Bob Balaban: i was in Big Band before Ricky Ricardo. i'm Arthur Rosenberg, you know my face, you know my BESPECTACLED SMILE, you know MY FRO. yeah it's me, the guy from Close Encounters of the Third Kind, the guy who FIRST smiles at the alien amid that blue smoke.

Charles Haid: was i a wrestling coach or something? i am ANNOYING AS FUCK in this movie. it DOESN'T HELP that i'm also smart, it makes it worse. i'm Mason Parrish.

Hurt: i'm studying schizophrenia, which isn't a disease. it's just another way to see the world. like autism. dunk me in this tank, this isolation tank, i want to lose a few pounds. deprive my senses, give me the maximum level of sensory deprivation before killing me. i wanna get high.

Balaban: have you run out of drugs?

Dirg: for the record, Timothy Leary did not want this for his children.

Hurt: i'm in training for the Moscow Olympics diving team... 

Hurt: first year men will be able to wear Olympics speedos...

in the kitchen

Balaban: don't chase William Hurt, he's trouble, he's bad news, he's crazy. not like serial-killer crazy but that OTHER crazy.

Blair Brown: not all mad scientists have green skin.

Blair Brown: hi. i'm a whiz kid like you.

Hurt: oh you like cheese in a can, too? you need to go to the bathroom?

Blair: women don't pee.

Hurt: there's a body of evidence supporting my wild scientific claims.

Blair: and I got a body...

Hurt: wanna fuck?

Blair: right here on the university steps?

Hurt and Blair in bed 

Hurt: nice red mood lighting, very demonic and Helly. as i cummed on your face all i could see was the face of Jesus on the Shroud of Turin.

Blair: jesus! yikes. wow. 

Hurt: i want to talk about my dad now.

Blair: a man with feelings in the '80s?

Hurt: my dad was not religious. so i MUST be religious cos i'm his son, that's how the father-son dynamic works. 

Blair: what is this, the series finale of Lost?

Blair: i want to marry you, i want to have a real normal life, not fantasyland in the college ivory tower. if it doesn't work out we shake hands and say goodbye and give it the ol college try. whaddaya say?

Hurt: see that girl in there behind glass? she's Linda Blair from The Exorcist...

Blair Brown: no relation. stop dodging my marriage proposal!!!

Blair: i KNOW you're crazy, sex to you is another experience, you fuck me like i'm being HARPOONED BY SOME RAGING MONK IN THE ACT OF RECEIVING GOD.

Codrus: and THAT, brother, is our mission as monks. only when monks fuck do they see the Eyes of Fuerza.

Cotard: ... 

Balaban: they're getting a divorce?

Balaban's wife: oh dahlin this is the gossip portion of the show.

Hurt: university life sucks, the Ivy League sucks, i don't know how to grade papers, the grading system is completely arbitrary. hey, leave that isolation tank operable, i may want to be a professional baseball player one day.

Balaban: or float like a ballerina trying to get out of Russia?

at the Anthony Bourdain busy-street-corner street cafe.

Hurt: there's no God in Buddhism, Buddhism is atheistic.

Kurt Cobain: i wish i would have known this sooner before i named the band...

Hurt: i'm searching for alternate answers.

Blair: yes there's God, there's always God, it's just named differently, given different forms: it's the Self or Existence or Perception or Quanta or Tony Robbins.

Thaao Penghlis: my name sounds like Greek cake. i will be your guide. the Hinchi in Mexico have a hitch in their giddyup, they see things we never will. don't try to put the ventifacts in your backpack and smuggle them out of the country on an airplane.

Hurt: whatever, but i was hoping for Bill Hicks, he's the expert on all this psychedelic stuff, the psilocybin, the psychotropic suntan lotion, the desert drugs, the nightshade, the witchpot. he's known as the Peyote Coyote.

Bill Hicks: OMG DUDE the mushroom you're about to ingest is none other than SMURF VILLAGE ITSELF!!! no seriously!!! remember: pour all potions in your eye, eat all shampoos, drink the cave paintings.

Thaao: you know me, you know my face.

Laertus's dad: i do!!! Count Tony DiMera!!! you were MY DiMera growing up, Stefano had already died twice and was looking all fat shabby and schlubby.

Thaao: but i was good, too!!! well my twin was.

Jennifer Aniston's dad: yeah i didn't like you guys on Days of Our Lives, when the DiMeras moved in they kinda squeezed me out of being the main villain and i was out of work. Jen taught me yoga but i felt ridiculous.

Stefano: that one... 

Hurt: OH FUCK I'M FREAKING OUT OVER HERE!!!!!!!!!!

Thaao: you haven't taken anything yet.

Hurt: i'm scared of fireworks.

Blair: why is it in your fever dream i'm completely naked and splayed out PRONE in the prone POSITION sticking out my long tongue? is this some sort of sick male fantasy?

Hurt: no it's MY fantasy, i have a thing for lizards.

Thaao: you're the Primordial Flower, William Hurt. not a mint julep. the brujo thinks you're a hot idiot.

Blair: huh, absent husband never gave ME flowers!!! 

Soundgarden: okay during this fever dream is the perfect opportunity to discuss our music video for "Jesus Christ Pose". not the controversial musical. YOUR fever dream inspired OUR fever dream in this video. you have a ram with six eyes nailed to the cross, we have a woman nailed to the cross. to represent women's oppression throughout history. that's historically what happened to Mary Magdalene, right?, that's her on the cross. ours is a very similar video to Nine Inch Nails's video for "Head Like A Hole" when it comes to the wires and the pipes.

Arnold Schwarzenegger: yeah, very Terminator. why am i suddenly banned in Russia?

Soundgarden: we never made a song this hard again, with those long strumming shimmering strings of discordant dysphonic riffs like elongated rubber bands going back and forth. that was metal, friends, not grunge.

Hurt: look i know i had a fever dream but i did NOT kill that monitor lizard.

monitor lizard: YES YOU DID!!! i monitored you.

Hurt: my wife is still alive, that proves it.

Laertus: UM, btw, why would you what to LEAVE the natives!!! you should STAY with the natives and their cave-tribe wisdom, the REAL meaning of life. why go back to cities of confusion!!! sex isn't everything you know.

Eye Luggage: ...

Blair: monkeys have a better language than humans.

Hurt: hey can i borrow your cassette tapes of the monkey sounds? i want to prove Rick Dees is a fraud once and for all. hey honey, you can tell me, do you own a Thanos glove?...

Haid: people hate me. hey, x-ray tech, look at this X-ray, is that a monkey's skull?

X Ray Tech: no idea, first-year medical-school student. but YOU look like a gorilla.

Haid: looks like bone-on-bone. why are you in here late at night? 

X Ray Tech: i'm waiting for my court date...

X Ray Tech: ...at night...

Haid: Night Court?

X Ray Tech: yeah, Night Court. i'm from New Orleans the birthplace of Nadal. i'm trying to get to New York City the birthplace of Federer. 

Laertus: and HERE is where this movie gets ridiculous. when he turns into a monkey and starts running around the world causing havoc and eating brains. i was half-expecting him to photocopy his baboon butt. tho i am HEARTENED that this role is played by a graceful ballet dancer, a ballerina MAN. a ballerino, a danseur. now that's SWINGING TO AND FRO.

Blair: and suddenly this becomes Poltergeist. no mistaking that particular shade of glowing Poltergeist blue. 

at the house.

Hurt: why'd you put up with me all these years and waste your life?

Blair: i LOVED you.

Hurt: what is love? is that like a blanket when you're walking around the house naked? honey don't hate me, but i forgot, do we have kids? i've been so distracted.

Drew Barrymore hands Hurt a packet of Reese's Pieces.

Hurt: honey i learned something today: life is meaningless, there is no God. i became an amorphous mass of primordial proto-matter of consciousness, it was a NIGHTMARE. THAT was worse than nothingness. 

Paddy: what you learned was that love between humans is all that matters, dummy!!!

Hurt: i love you, honey, hug me.

Blair: i love how the movie ends with the camera on my naked butt.

Blair pacing around the apartment: why do women fall for emotionally-unavailable men? he never cared about me, he cared only about becoming a talking ball of goo.

Balaban: what did you do after the naked hug?

Blair: i divorced him. i made my own money, i became the first woman in the video-game industry, i created the Altered Beast arcade cabinet...

a-ha: wait the "Take On Me" video was inspired by Altered States? i don't see it. oh yeah, the Tron silhouettes and the banging of the body left and right against the hallway. g'night folks.

Mlem and Blep embrace Graykid, hugging him fully and heartedly with their full tails wrapped around him in a bearhug. 

Graykid: weren't you scared of that giant raccoon?

cat familiars: of course. but we had to hide it. we had to be strong for you. we were shivering out there.

Graykid: oh yeah, forgot to mention, raccoons love subarctic temps. 

Blep: i mean that FACE!!! you just never expect to have a giant raccoon face centimeters from your face staring at you with confused eyes at any point in your life. we were scared to death when we heard the bloodcurdling yowls coming from on top the new roof.

Graykid: i'm smarter than that at night. i painted my fur black, which was hard cos it's already brown.

Blep: why are you called Graykid? your fur is brown.

Graykid: cos my heart has always been gray. not grey the fancy British way. just ordinary gray. nobody loves me. from now on call me Grey.

Mlem: still doesn't make sense but sure.

Mlem and Blep: you are loved now. stay with us forever. we will form a trio for life. see it's not about biological devolution, it's about being happy with who you are and we are cats, we don't have to go back and forth up and down the evolutionary ladder. 

the three cats lock paws and spin around in a circle on the monastery lawn. they spin for eternity without getting dizzy, always smiling and sticking out their tongues at one another giggling and purring.

Grey: thank you. i am a refugee from Ukraine, i lost my human family in the war.

at the soccer field Dirg squeezes into the minivan with Sebastien and Daryna. Sebastien wears danseur shoes and sweats a storm in his tutu. Daryna for her part perspires up a tidal wave inside her hot velcro dotted soccer shirt. both kids pant. Dirg sniffs all the sweaty shinguards lying around next to the car-liners on the carpeted car floor.

Dirg: this has been eye-opening for my mind, kids, i thank you for the experience. i thank you for your innocence. sports played for fun, how novel. 

Dirg slides the door out of the van to talk to Santa Claus on the field.

Dirg: i want your job.

Santa: what?

Dirg: i want to be the one to personally deliver the toys to my cousins. i got a year to prepare for next Christmas.

Santa: no you don't, this family celebrates Christmas EVERYDAY. but you have to do one thing for me to prove you're worthy.

i'm sleeping over at Kristof's cell. it's pitch black in here. no candles, no lights. just sounds, sounds of humans.

Kristof: what are you running away from? what are you scared of?

me: i don't know really. 

Kristof: you want to return to the past, but you can't, as William Hurt demonstrated in this week's movie. you want tight control over every aspect of your life, a schedule for each day where you know exactly what's gonna happen. but you never anticipate what if your car breaks down and your schedule is ruined and your day is wasted. 

me: car? the monastery is FULL of lost days. i feel there is a dark force out there that is keeping me from being with the happiness i want to be with.

Kristof: women?

me: i guess.

Kristof: how's the painting coming along?

me: i've only painted your cock.