NATHAN CHEN'S GOT THIS

 

notes:

* Gladyce: Doryce dear, next time you wash your face, use warm water instead of cold, your face will thank you.

Doryce: i'm using HOT, i saw a wrinkle.

* Suzy Lu: in future i want to be a biter in bed.

* Stephen A Smith: yes my favorite movie is 2001: A Space Odyssey.

* Sam Spade: who knew San Francisco was this dark?

* Phoenix on a forklift: i was never a Sega guy. but i'm glad Shenmue is finally finishing its story.

* Sue Bird: i'm waiting for the magical number of 42...

* Cecily Strong: my tits are big enough to accommodate any sized penis. i baby it in my bosom. i cradle the cock in my breasts. 

Rebecca De Mornay: cradle?

* Eric Stoltz: there's anger on assembly lines. you know where i learned that? no not from John Hughes, from "My Global Mind" by Queensryche.

Phoenix: Promised Land by Queensryche is the warmest album of all time. that album is a 100% cradle of warmth.

* Rocco DiSpirito: i've been dispirited. with Zucker gone when do i get my show The Restaurant back? i disappeared off the face of the Earth despite being hunky...

* Planet Fitness

Jane Krakowski: it's all natural, baby. au naturel. the bagel that is, no cream cheese for these thighs. i don't need youtube culture deciding what i do with my body. my career has been PERFECT. sublime. except for one thing, i want to go back and redo my National Lampoon's Vacation character and make her an eco warrior.

* Taco Bell: you can get potatoes! but it's tricky. you have to scroll EXACTLY so it lands precisely on the potato emoji. if not we take your phone. also, this is false advertising, laundromats don't exist anymore, we only use them when we're selling purple nostalgia.

* Ferrero Rocher: imagine you're on a rooftop, you have your whole life ahead of you. the bridge lights up in dots, it's Paris...or New York or wherever. as you bite into a chocolate your tooth cracks, but you can fill it into a gold tooth cos you've suddenly won the lottery.

* Safelite

woman: i'm a native of this area. a photog. who writes stories on computers. jane journalism. i noticed a crack in my windshield, i was gonna call Safelite but the crack was a perfect Cross so i left it. later i noticed the Grand Canyon was a big giant dusty hole. until it was filled with gold, my gold. the hole is filled now, it's a gold hole. i unexpectedly won the lottery. the Grand Canyon is now named Tierra Del Oro after me and my tax babe dressed in all-blue.

* Walter the cat: i really go unappreciated around here. i'm a miracle! i'm the only cat who ever lived who likes to dig for bones. dog bones. if not that stranded hiker would have been a Jack Nicholson ice cube by now. i have friends in high places. and i'm not just talking about Everest. i'm talking about Mlem and Blep.

* Jason Bateman: it's not a REAL electric car unless it's that '90s European model that looks like an IKEA box.

* OT Genasis: you look real good today.

boy on bike: yeah thanks for the song. but i strolled past the chica reading under the tree and she didn't even lift her head to glance at me, i'm a rider what gives?

OT Genasis: you gotta have an E.T. on your bike.

* Priyanka Jonas: ever wonder what people do on their phones? banking, not porn. like take that wedding photographer over there, he's sick of the rat race and wants to get zen, hang a Morning Meditations pencil sketching up in his newly reopened finally-furbished zen studio in Woodland Hills that had to be fumigated after the last guy.

van Gogh: what's the difference between sketching and etching? it's a matter of life or death. my death, either/or.

MC Escher: i just use an Etch A Sketch.

CLICK HERE TO WIN THE PRO BOWL

happy weekend, my babies

i'm not feeling the Winter Olympics. at least not yet. they haven't HIT me yet, you know? perhaps tonight they will. but it only works if they hit me TOMORROW night...

what's with the tiny hidden flame in the Olympic cauldron? that big snowflake's gonna put it out!!!

TOMORROW: gotta go with the Junior, they're offering up hamburgers selling their meat as Bacon Beasts. if i can't get the beast with two backs i can at least get some bacon.