Friday, February 11, 2022




* Jacques Pepin: it's not a Valentine's Day dinner unless you eat it on a stone by a raging river.

* Tommy Lee: the reason i drum upside-down is Pam Anderson said Julian Assange tortures this way. have a heart, Eddie Vedder.

* Lindsey Jacobellis: the reason you know ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about my private life, who i'm fucking who i'm not, is after my hot dog i decided to go vegan. know how i got my naturally curly hair? Pantene like Kelly LeBrock.

* Made in Abyss animators: we are not obsessed with penises. i mean what were we supposed to do? the little girl's shirt had vomit on it.

* Takahashi: youtube has forever divided people, divided all of us forever, into creators and commenters.

* Honey Nut Cheerios bee: yeah it was me. i need to make my cereal GOOD!!! i did it in Pennsylvania, next to that long-winded lake with the 100-mph winds. 

* Deirdre Fitzpatrick: Fitz Butt. look it up. not a cola.

* Steve Martin: there's a class struggle in Planes Trains and Automobiles. how does a rich man talk to a poor man? 
John Candy: well let's call me middle-class.
Steve: turns out guys are guys. we're all crude. 
John: and funny. with wives who die under mysterious circumstances. with trunks. except your trunk is an actual elephant.

* Mikaela Shiffrin: i finished. that's enough. i'm enough. that's my wish for every human cos i don't pray. yeah i congratulated all the women but it was hard to see 3 other women on that podium.

* Tom Petty: the Into The Great Wide Open video. i play the tattoo artist at the beginning, that's me, you didn't catch that the first time around, you need to see the music video with a brand-new Super Bowl widescreen tv.

* Madame Pons: the most discouraging thing in life is when you think you're a match with someone and they disregard you like yesterday's paper. like that one chick where we discussed the noir Laura. she even sent me a Laura gif. she's in the business, too! perfect!!! but she never talked to me again, no idea why. iuvec iodine. and that one beautiful ravenhaired Monica woman that i was SURE we'd be scene partners in a play we'd write together. i could show her the ins and outs of the new Kodak camera and she can wax nostalgic about Bradley Cooper cos i don't get it.
Brooke Trantor: ...
Brooke Trantor: sorry. next time i won't enter your Insta Stories looks by accident.
Pons: you've entered but you've never spoken to or responded to me once. why? shy? or have i done something wrong by engaging you. what's the point of eternal silence?
Janene Meyer: don't count out an old chick just yet. yeah it's been 5 years but i'm back baby. just give me some vegetation, some sunshine by those orange trees by the Super Bowl stadium during an L.A. heatwave and i'm juicin again, i got the grove elixir.
Pons: i mean we're not talking about a fountain of youth here, this is RISING FROM THE DEAD!!! imagine if you think a nice lady you know is dead, maybe from cancer maybe from covid. you go about the rest of your life snoop-hangdog. and then out of the blue all of a sudden in five years time she enters your those who gave your Insta Stories a look. casually. nonchalantly. with a "hey". i thought you were dead.
Janene: ...
Pons: okay oranjmuse, let's continue our discussion of Belladonna of Sadness...

* The Noid: i've gone over to the dark side. i'm a delivery person now. a delivery clay-person. well all i did was order the pizza to myself.

* Walmart: can a company force you to live a better life? it can if it's Walmart. it can if it sells you those gigantic peaches with the pit in heavy sauce in that 50-pound blown-glass tureen in which the skinned shiny glistening peaches are IMPOSSIBLE to get out unless you have a spoon AND a knife.

* Discovery Love Off The Grid
bear: i thought i was gonna find love on this show. in these times the only way to find your soul mate is on a reality show. i did not sign up for the toilet next to the stove.

* WhatsApp
rude mailman: i'm being an asshole to prove a point. i opened your mail cos the juice in vaping sticks causes clinical depression. but they're sold as lollipops. want a smaller lollipop?

* It Tastes Like Chicken
Dirg: boo! bad commercial. not accurate, there was never a purple alien on Star Trek.

* Samsung
hockey goalie: HEAVY-METAL DRUMMING CALMS ME DOWN!!! but everyone in this commercial is selfish and just doing it for themselves. except the guy cleaning the oceans.

* Matthew McConaughey: space is boring. everyone will have a flying Jetsons bubble-car in five years. that strangely won't be electric. it's time for monastery gardeners to have my mustache. the new frontier is HERE. and it's Earth. yeah i know that's a boring thought, sorry.

* VISA: only promise to have a ski mountain COVERED in skiers and sledders and sliders and mobilers and boarders and pole-ers, Olympians and Paraolympians alike, if the forecast calls for a mess of birds to drop out of the sky from an unknown location.

* Chloe Kim: i'm legal. now i can watch that Family Guy episode...

* Delta: when you win at something, a game or a sport or a board game, you raise up your arms, that's a universal symbol that all languages understand. that came from the women's volleyball team at dank UCLA in the '70s. unless you're an old man who gets humiliated by a 5-year-old girl in chess, then you put your hands in your pockets. dresses have pockets now. or you're a sled hockeyplayer in which case you toss the losing side's net into the stands. we all want to fly but you have to be angry to fly.

* Toyota
field athlete: are the Olympics corrupt? yes. but sports made me LOVE MYSELF for the first time. only specifically Olympic sports. i don't have a disability, i love just fine.

happy weekend, my babies

to end-around the Super Bowl pizza shortage i'm getting the Cantina chicken tacos at Taco Bell along with that Cool Ranch one. not the blue shell, the blue sauce. call me during the third quarter... 

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