notes:
* Putin: i gotta fight Klitschko now?
Klitscho: in the ring.
* Dirg: hey, do you know where Stephen Collins is?
Mackenzie Rosman: no. stop asking me! leave me alone! it's not like people just cos they're castmates know their every move after wrap! people have lives, i have NO IDEA!!!
* Katie Bo Lillis: i know where Eddie Munster is...
* Christopher Meloni: i'm not on the Law & Order: The Original reboot so i need the money, i need to be a honey blacksmith for Wendys. my muscles are a bag of spice.
* Brontussy: who need debussy ate?
* The Pope: i will personally hand-deliver billion of kneepads to Ukraine and the Ukrainian people. i have tons of kneepads in my collection...
* Dirg: why is everyone so damn happy online?
* Phoenix: the hippieness i inherited from my dad is kicking in, it flows through me during this Ukraine war. i love the freedom by which they danced back in the day. i'm opening up a Breadsong at the monastery, they need a bakery. Breadsong, the ultimate hippie name.
* Metallica: our first song, "Hit The Lights", is more punk than metal. and thus, thrash was born.
* Axl Rose performing "Paradise City" at Wembley for the Freddie Mercury tribute concert: it's rare for a big concert like this to be on a Monday.
* Cecily Strong: no tv shows got to do their Valentine's Day episodes this year...
* Anthony Edwards: we did it THE RIGHT WAY! look at our smiles! you can't fake that genuine inner happiness, it glows from within! from the inside!
Mare Winningham: winning.
Mare: you got jowls. jowls for days. i'm my correct weight. we look good. we look beautiful. we look right.
Anthony: that's the key. we were FRIENDS for 50 years first. so it was natural to get married after all that time, we were practically married for 50 years, we spent 50 years of time together and never left!!!
Mare: why you gotta leave me now?
Anthony: oh i gotta do this thing with Tom Cruise, secret Top Gun thing, but it's been delayed 10 times for various reasons so it's never gonna happen.
Phoenix: the fact that you two worked on ER together makes it all the more the nuptials of nostalgia.
Anthony: we're too old for a wedding. we're too old to get married. but we did it anyway. Mare, do you kick in bed?
* Peacemaker intro: that bald eagle at the end tho...
* Desi Arnaz: i invented the rerun!!! blame me for all those anime fillers!!!
* Page Turner: i'm not a book, that's my name!
* Leonard Nimoy: yeah those shows like Wicked Tuna that make pirates seem so cool.
Carlton McCoy: CNN told me i was Stanley Tucci with a beard...
Bomani Jones: my show is not about video games. i've never played a video game. it's about bringing back Arsenio Hall...
* Dick Wolf: i did 3DCGI on the new Law & Order reboot intro titles. 3DCGI is still cool, right?
Kurt Cobain: look at me! i'm there! at the talent agency on the Law & Order reboot in the black sweatshirt, black knit cap, and jeans!
Carey Lowell: now see? THAT's what a 61-year-old woman looks like! no plastic surgery, no makeup, just beautiful.
Sam Waterston: i'm fucking old! i look good! let's see delicate precious Clint Eastwood do tv.
Picard: ...
* bald eagle flying in snow: we're gonna win this war...
* Togo's: power to the sandwich. and the Attack on Titan wings. what side are we on again?
* Michael Weiss: you can't just go on my Instagram, be in my DMs, and then not say anything, NOT ONE WORD, when i comment and like a whole mess of your pics and vids over at your Instagram...
* Putin: my government is like the Darth Vader government...
* Toyota
Shannon Hoon: i'm one of those running wolves...
Wolf's Rain: ...
* Toyota
Phoenix: the wagon carrying the 10-0 football team has stalled cos it was being towed by a Toyota. Homecoming is canceled! the perfect season is over!
band: bandwagon...
* Progressive
Jamie: it's not steelpan unless the steel drums are played INSIDE.
daughter seeing parents naked in the inside jacuzzi: ew. why are you using a strawberry? you should be using a peach.
Beaches: we're suing.
* Phoenix: DO NOT STARE AT THE BLANK PAGE! it'll getcha! it'll press you down and defeat you! we writers know how to combat writers block, writers block is all in the mind...
* Coinbase: crypto is a scam. so buy something real, like a wallet. a wallet made from real leather...
* Delta: a gold mettle round your neck is worth jack shit. but you'll feel better about yourself in the morning. fuck medals, the Olympics are too much pressure! all it does is lead to more mental-health collapses and catastrophes that last a lifetime with no cure. you'll never recover from this. wanna stop pinkclouding? inhale some of our Delta clouds.
* GEICO
man: open floor plan? we want a closed floor plan. Seinfeld isn't funny anymore, it's just old.
man: open floor plan? we want a closed floor plan. Seinfeld isn't funny anymore, it's just old.
woman: i thought this was the audition for Sorkin's Lucy thing not Amy Poehler's Lucy thing...
happy weekend, my babies
TOMORROW: McDonalds. if i can't ever again get my iced-tea lemon-sugar powder can i get a Shamrock Shake? it's close enough to March, it's close enough to St. Patrick's Day...
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