Friday, February 18, 2022




* White Diamond: hello starlight. okay so what's your best guess as to what the new Starlight Coke tastes like?
me: um. like purple drank with 5% Cinnamon Coke and a trace marshmallow aftertaste.

* Suze Orman: Tom Cruise is my boyfriend.
Tom Cruise: this makes sense.

* Charles Barkley: plant-based? PLANT based?!!! i thought i was doing Subway. Subway don't have no plant subs!!!
Kyle Mooney: ...
Tyler, the Creator: based.

* Sprite: the best drink to take with you when you're in a 3-berth Alpine with Kurt Cobain riding shotgun in the '90s.
Jacques Pepin: do not mention alpine...

* Mardith: we've come to the days when you actually have to slap a legal disclaimer on your own sex blog...

* Dave Stewart: i always thought it was "Sweet dreams are made of THESE..."

* Kim the blonde Greencase Girl clutching her violin to her breast: the saddest thing you will ever do in your life is comment your sad circumstances on a grieving person's final last post before they leave social media forever, posted 128 weeks ago...

* Dirg: remember, it's

good luck


good lick

* Colin Hanks: i'm mini-Tom Hanks. i'm perfect.
Chet Hanks: the first problem was naming me Chet...

* Maiara Walsh: i'm a good spotter of spirit spam...

* Unica Zurn: i'm Frida Kahlo without the eyebrows. i was the ULTIMATE unicorn.

* Janet Frame: like a picture out my window...

* Janet Frame: i did Grey Gardens alone in New Zealand first...

* fundoscopic: nothing to do with the anus...

* Taco Bell Prom
parents: the revolutionary thing here is not the biracial coupling...
girl: no it's my cream dress which flows when there's no wind.
boy: no it's my brother who will grow up to be Shaq.
parents: no the revolutionary thing is two dweebs going to prom. you two are lucky, the 4 of us never went to our proms.

* Craig Robinson: when it's hurts so GOOD instead of hurts so BAD you know it's real.
tattoo artist: i haven't started yet, i'm just drawing the pencil outline.
Craig: but it hurts so bad. that's the problem, your right arm is black, you can't see any of the tat details. it's just a black-covered arm.
tattoo artist: like Black Flag. my arm is completely covered in one big black tattoo. 
Craig: please let this be more than a week, i got a mortgage. a rocket mortage. remember Spicy Chicken Noodle? every company did their version of Spicy Chicken Noodle soup. lasted one week.

* Macy's
man on tattoo table: it's CARLITA! two TTs two LLs two RRs!
Tom Petty: sorry i'm doing my best here! i'm not like the Pizza Hut girl, okay?!!!

* grandma: why did you open all my mail and then deliver said open letters to me?
mailman: thought i saw a Honus Wagner card in there. or maybe one of those rare Garbage Pail Kids, like Fran Fran or Death Nell.

* mailman: okay you want the truth, granny? i am SINGLE-HANDEDLY FORCING the entire world to get an email. we can't have that situation last week anymore. we can't have another of those Reese's Peanut Butter Cups letters!

* The Sopranos kids: we're a new generation of mobster. we only drive electric Cadillacs. and we don't eat food...

* Tommy Lee Jones: i've been reduced to this. i've never been in a good mood in my entire life. the only thing i know about Jonas is i could go for some of his curry.

* Paul Rudd: you think the people will see the chips or us?
Seth Rogen: why did i have to marry the Ring girl?
Paul Rudd: cos like the chips we gotta get you LAY'D.

* Rocket Mortgage: we did NOT copy Robot Chicken with our Barbie skit! those guys are already on to something new with Alabama Jackson!

* Scarlett: it's impressive that i can pull off playing an ugly pirate with an eye patch.
Scarlett: this is actually MY house, Jost still lives at his college dorm. i actually say WHAT THE FUCK here but Amazon cut the scene.
Jost: Amazon and Disney are the same company now, right?

* i scanned that bouncing ball. i got crypto. but crypto's a scam.

* Larry David: speaking of crypto why is EVERYBODY mad at me? people FOR crypto are mad at me, people AGAINST crypto are mad at me, i never say which side i'm on in the commercial. it's pretty pretty aggravating.
Codrus: Larry's right, fingers are forks. stupid people vote for stupid Presidents. it's too far to go to space, i know, i've been to the end of space. 
Larry David: that was my Heroes audition...

* Seth Green: people don't know me from Robot Chicken. or from ******* Candace Bailey. i'm hoping they know me from Austin Powers. but everyone only knows me from the bridge...

* Peyton Manning: ALL movies need sequels. i am PERFECT casting to play The Dude.
Jeff Daniels: i'm living long enough to make sure this never happens...

* now see if the Metaverse was more like Chuck E Cheese it would have survived!!!

* TurboTax
me: NOT my milf dressed in all-blue!!!

* Eugene Levy: i had long hair when i lived in Canada...

* Google Pixel 6 with Lizzo
me: no jokes here. this is a very real issue concerning black people and the darkness of photos, it really opened my eyes.
Rubikon: thank you. finally. we've been saying this to you for 100 years.

* Jim Carrey: how the FUCK did i pull this off?! i look YOUNGER than the original Cable Guy! i'm 60 fucking years old!!!
Kyle Mooney: hey it's my Indian babe! my girl from Saturday Morning All Star Hits! apparently she's been found, she wasn't murdered!

* Guy Fieri: Flavortown was the original name of Atlantis. no the lost city of Atlantis.

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: KFC. for their nuggets. their boneless balls. nuggets with bones, that'll never sell. nuggets with bones, that'll never fly.

but what i really miss, what i'll really long for this weekend is my tea. oh my big-butt canister of Lipton lemon powder. contains 100% sugar. sold out. i have to settle for Crystal Light Iced Tea but that stuff tastes like when you go to lick an envelope... 

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