Monday, December 5, 2022



1. what do you think would be the funniest part about being in Hell? you'd be there at the blue table playing cards with Marilyn Manson:

me: Go Fish.
Marilyn Manson: we're playing charades i mean Spades.
me: didn't you once say, "if there is a God he has a sense of humor because i'm here."
after an awkward silence, Marilyn Manson lets out a DEEP SIGH, talks no more, shakes his head, and just chooses another card...

2. what is the name that when you hear it you know that person is gonna be annoying? Chandler

3. would you rather have 7 toes or 9 fingers? 

with 7 toes you'd be the BEST DOWNHILL SKIER IN THE WORLD. you'd be the only one who could navigate those tight curves at 100mph cos of less weight, the other skiers are too bulky and sulky with their hulking skis and heavy 10 toes they'd miss the gate and the red flag and get curved by Mikaela Shiffrin...

with 9 fingers you'd be THE BEST LOVER IN THE WORLD. you could finally do all those urban-legend finger moves on the vagina you've only read about on messageboards. the pink-stink Naruto thing. your fingers would be like rubber as you magically manipulate the triangle of truth. you'd have the SPACE to maneuver down there without that extra finger...

4. which one would you want on a deserted island---antelope or cantaloupe?

in honor of my dearly departed beloved dad, i gotta go with the antelope. my dad famously would eat ANYTHING on his plate.........but cantaloupe, cantaloupe was the bridge too far, the dealbreaker, he couldn't stomach cantaloupe, literally, it was too plain for him.

dad: cantaloupe tastes like NOTHING. cantaloupe tastes like eating tasteless fibrous lard.

it's like that Jeopardy champ who hates olives but is still a hit at cocktail parties. antelopes are Satanic beasts which are marks of the Beast but i'm already in Hell playing cards with Marilyn Manson anyways so...

5. what in your life do you sniff the most? C-C-C-C-cocaine

BONUS: radio stations playing Christmas music all month long or cheesy romance Christmas holiday movies---which one has to go? as in banished from the airwaves, blasted into broadcast oblivion.

most actors aren't Tom Cruise. in fact NO actors are Tom Cruise, most have to make a living starring in ALL the Hallmark Channel, Lifetime Channel, and that Christian Paramount Network thing making exclusively sappy Christmas movies where the girl is a New York City broker and the guy is a farm hunk. starring Lacey Chabert.

yeah i remember my first one, i got the script in JULY and we were shooting a Christmas tree packed in ice in Florida in AUGUST. it was only good for one take cos the ice melted in 5 minutes. god i hate Florida.

No comments: