* space aliens don't like sand, it gets in their trunks.
* there's plenty of sand to make EarthShip homes for every human, no trees required.
* my dancing is so good you don't see my flappy floppy tits or my gelatin buttcrack.
* Tom from Pete Smokes: how may i help you?
Unabomer jokester fox: look, man, before we go any further, this is going to be a prank call. prank calls NEVER get old, have you noticed that? they're ALWAYS funny.
Tom: yes, it's something to do with how human response is always funny.
fox: foxes are not supposed to drink milk or they get Lars-von-Trier-crazy. so i can't make a homemade gravity bong in my hole. aren't you sympathetic to the fact that i'm on the LAST PAYPHONE IN EXISTENCE?
* the egg is smiling cos it didn't get poached.
* RPG characters in Sims
* it's that troll king from that Playstation game........i don't know, i never got into Playstation, i skipped Playstation.
* Elysium is ticklish.
* you'll find your soul mate at a crowded Raging Waters. that's not a naked butt in an innertube fuzzed out, it's the name of the BRAND of innertube.
* you'll be okay if your angel is John Coltrane and you find a fire-eater in the desert...
* yes but why was there a camera at that grade-school basketball game?...
* Christian Pulisic: they couldn't have written the script ANY BETTER for me!!! i saw the band Live before they got big, before anyone knew who they were, they played at my college cafe in the forest as i was munching a chocolate bar in my dorm room.
* Charles Schwab: yes but don't ACTUALLY call us on Christmas morning at 4AM.
* Tres Pinos: the only man who can marry that three-titted alien woman from Total Recall
* Apple "I Shock The World" ad: okay now i feel REALLY bad, if that woman can drive a car using only her FEET, i can get over some car nerves...
* Pien: the correct Dutch way to spell that character's name from Naruto...
* baby fennec fox: was that my dad in Antichrist?...
* Japan: yes the ball was out. but we get all that good karma coming to us from our fans cleaning up the stadiums after our World Cup matches and leaving kawaii blue origami cranes in the locker rooms which spell out ARIGATO.
* Christian Pulisic: i didn't get hit in the balls so i'll still be able to thrust my pelvis at the afterparty.
* the only reason to watch SNL this weekend: Amy Robach and T.J. Holmes. affair is such a JUICY word.
Santa: this is a Peppermint Frosty? it looks and tastes like a Strawberry Frosty...
* Progressive Replay
cousin: i told you to get the sweet potatoes for grandma.
auntie: no i told YOU to get the sweet potatoes for grandma.
grandma: these are boiled potatoes, potatoes don't exist if they're not sweet.
* Santa on the roof: it's gonna be a LONG night...
Target employee on the graveyard shift in the breakroom: brother you work ONE late night a year, what the fuck are you complaining about you old fat man.
Santa chuckles his belly like a bowlful of jelly and sends an eggplant emoji back.
Santa: hey Lily, why don't you join in the text thread with us?
Lily from AT&T: i'd like to but i can never enter the internet again cos of the trolls.
* TJ Maxx: you get savings on EVERYTHING IN OUR STORE!!! the catch is a giant avalanche snowball runs over the town.
* Samsung Galaxy Quick Share The Holidays
girl: we're like Romeo + Juliet, fated to never be together cos we were at two separate Christmas parties in different buildings with our balconies overlooking.
boy: the good news is we finally met. the bad news is our parents met. and the earthquake destroyed both our buildings.
* Capital One
Slash: am i in the band?
punk girl in garage: yeah you aced the audition.
Slash: don't tell Axl about this, this is my country music side project. my singing voice sounds like Jerry Seinfeld's stand-up voice.
happy weekend, my babies
TOMORROW: it all depends on how much delivery costs.........it can't be THAT expensive, right?...