* THE SHOEBILL!!! right?!!! i mean this crazy bird is straight outta prehistoric dinosaur times!!! i'm fucking scared!!! you can't tell what is the real bird, what is the statue, and what is the animatronic robot. this stork is TALLER THAN ME!!! the stuff of glorious nightmares, beautifully frightening, the bird from The Flintstones and a Muppet all in one. menacing and kind. can dunk on Shaq cos its wingspan is longer than Durant's. why isn't the shoebill a Disney villain yet?!!! a villain named Billy Bracken. SOMEONE DRAW THE SHOEBILL ANIMATED FEATURE FILM!!!
* The Nervous Twitchy Club: Mark Borchardt, Chris Hayes, me
* snow picnic: two frigids finally warming up to each other...
* Mark Borchardt: i like lettuce. my stream-of-consciousness is so fast it's more confusing than Roku TV Streaming.
* Jackie Collins: wait a minute, HarperCollins? so THAT is why all my books got published?!!! i'm a good writer, you fuckers!!! NO I AM NOT JOAN COLLINS'S SISTER!!!
* Tony Robbins: there's no emotion without motion. i relate to Mark Borchardt's story, too...
* homecoming opponent: the Washington Generals. but not anymore. there won't be anything Washington for a while.
* Gladyce: i don't change socks anymore. i don't change my socks. i only have one pair of socks that have no holes so i just wear those two socks forever.
* Sara Spooner: i was thinking my King of Queens gig would finance my debut album. i was never MENTIONED again after the first few episodes, i literally disappeared into thin air and nobody said anything. i was kidnapped and the police gave up after one day.
Arthur Spooner: it's better if we just have a CLEAN BREAK, you know? the next episode comes and we just pretend you never existed. that way we don't have to keep CONSTANTLY explaining you away. you were a vital member of this family and we loved you very much...
* i hate streaming
* Domino's Carryout Heroes: yeah, public, do the carryout yourself, do everything yourself, do the delivery and the making of the pizza. that will REALLY SAVE ENERGY cos we won't have to use any of our electric cars. it's good to have electric cars but it's BETTER to have NO CARS.
* two things i didn't notice the first time around watching the Amazon "Joy is Made" commercial: the mom in the family photo. right? never explained, she's ether divorced or dead, sometimes you can't tell which is worse. and the dad gets the daughter to come back to the car on a snowy chilly cold bomb-cyclone school morning to return the snowglobe to the passenger's seat to wrap the seatbelt on the snowglobe with just the LIGHTEST TOUCH OF CAR HORN.
* Caesars Sportsbook "Going Full Caesar"
Vince Vaughn: hey guys, everyone gathered round the table, Manning family, i'd just like to apologize. i am sorry for canoodling up to Trump at that sports stadium. you see the thing of it is is that i don't care who's in office, i just like to be near power.
Tony Hawk: no more skateboarding, doctor's orders? okay, i've made enough money, i got enough fame, i don't really like video games. skateboarding is a young man's game anyway. i will devote the rest of my life to straightening out Morty's very troubled life.
Padma Lakshmi: you cannot see, my beloved Salman Rushdie, but you know in your heart that i will love you forever...
LL Cool J: the theremin was the first Auto-Tune pitch-correction diamond-encrusted microphone.
Randy Jackson: ...
* me: hey Ram Trucks, NOBODY LIKES THE SEAT WARMERS!!! IT GETS TOO FUCKING HOT UNDER YOUR BUTT WHEN YOU'RE DRIVING!!! NOBODY WANTS THE SEAT HEATERS!!!
* Courtyard by Marriott
scout: i'm an NFL scout because i'm an EXPERT IN RECOGNIZING AND EVALUATING TALENT.........so when do i replace Matt Ryan at QB?
tomorrow: QPC? at McDonald's? BBQ? at Bruno's? with avocado extra? sure fine whatever but no store's gonna be open Christmas Eve!!!
MERRY CHRISTMAS, MY CHRISTMAS BABIES
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