Allison Mack: sacraments of initiation, don't worry it's not what you think, these are good things.
Monsignor Navin: yes, girlie, THREE good things so it's double-good. Catholicism is not a cult.
Michaela From Safeway: what are you guys doing for New Year's? i'll be wearing my signature top hat.
me: did you talk to Lucio?
Michaela: he's still taking my calls. Lucio went over to Italy, won't be back till he becomes a man over there working the fields.
Avo: Italy HAD the best tomato sauce. but not since the fields were taken over by the government. i'll be hanging out with you two.
Michaela: yeah we're a pretty sad lot, a Bereavement Brady Bunch.
me: i'm man enough to admit it: without you two in my life i'd be dead right now. last night on Christmas Eve i did something i just HAD to do: i watched the Batman: The Animated Series episodes "Christmas with the Joker" and "Holiday Knights". first off, "Christmas with the Joker," that was basically the first episode of the series, they showed it at night.
Avo: Summer Gleeson shoulda been Batgirl.
me: i can't believe they allowed the word faggot to be heard on a kid's show. and the level of violence they showed explaining Joker's origin story. that vat of molten-acid lava showed bone.
Michaela: yeah. and what's up with that Robin? his design, he did not look like the same Robin in the next 2 seasons. or the next 3 seasons actually!!! Joker looks different, too.
me: "Holiday Knights", the one with Clayface and that Latinx officer who looks like the cop from Gargoyles and is probably the same her. i have a special nostalgia soft spot for that episode. when everyone else was 17 years old and going to prom, THIS WAS ALL I HAD, all my fragile psyche and young emotive body could hang onto to live for was this episode of animated television, this cartoon saved my life. i could escape from my teenage problems of isolation by pretending i was living in the world of Batman, the high-end New York department stores in snow, that beautiful old-timey Gatsby world that combined the 1910s with the 1930s and the 1990s. gangsters and grunge. i pretended i was shopping in that 1930s department store Barbara Gordon was shopping at in winter looking for gloves for Christmas like i was Male Golightly. i could get an ice-cream pop and a soda and wait patiently for next year cos next year'd be better.
Avo: what's up with the "hysterical" Robin says? didn't everyone else remember Robin saying "hilarious" at Joker's latest ploy?
me: same.
Michaela: right? i did. turns out Robin said "hysterical" but in a '90s way.
Leigh McGowan: hi i'm Politics Girl. i'm like Mayor Mary Elizabeth McGlynn.
Charles Coleman: yeah i did it. i gave serious sober political commentary on the January 6 Report while wearing a Santa suit. i'm Santa for the kids in Harlem right now and i just became a television legend.
storm door: a good lay.
The Pope: this isn't a wheelchair, these are chunky heels. i have bad knees from too much sex.
Darth Sidious: can i borrow your wheelchair? can i Transubstantiate a wheelchair into a pill? cos i need to take a lot of pills for my condition right now.
Michael Weiss in a Santa hat: if you take the time to say "Merry Christmas" in the comments on someone's Instagram, you actually like that person. you're interested in that person. you've invested in that person. you take the time to let that person know, it's not just another person on your scroll.
me: Washed Out is the only person with a Southern-drawl accent i'm not scared of.
Moby: same. i'm the only man with a bald head i'm not afraid of.
bolthole: hide your butt.
Tyzik: it's been a while, don't be a priend. when you don't know someone's birthday, just tell them what a great guy they are on Christmas.
Rudy Giuliani: if America had simply chosen me over George W. Bish uh Bush, John McCain Sugarcane, and Mitt Rubberface Ribbed For His Pleasure Romney, i wouldn't have gone crazy!!!
Bob trying to sing: Oh Donna, mira, Oh Donna, mire, ha ha ha ha ha, keekeekeekee, every time that song comes on my motorcycle radio i have to keep laughing at the lameness of the song.........otherwise i'll start thinking of Ritchie and i'll never stop crying.........llorando.
Michael Weiss wearing a New Year's Top Hat: i'm trying to wish everyone Happy New Year on Instagram but it's hard when their end-of-year reels reveal all the generational abuse and institutional racism they've suffered.
Eye Luggage: The Sword and the Sorcerer (1982) and go.
Kathleen Beller: DO YOU LIKE MY BUTT? that's MY butt, i'm putting a face to the butt. i know you don't care nor worry about my face you only care about that GLORIOUS GLISTENING BUTT on your screen right now, in a golden rainbow as it gets MASSAGED BY THUMBS FOR THE AGES. no butt double, all me. there it is, that's just my big butt on screen there for 10 minutes, my big golden butt.
Caitlin Clarke: no, this chick isn't me. i was in that other sorcery movie, the one with the dragon. i'm also a pretty good college basketball player...
Kathleen Beller: and a good swimmer. healthy set of lungs. i'm a baller.
Kathleen Beller: there's a lot of TITS in this movie. not just in the whorehouses, in the churches as well.
Dirg: yeah this isn't Excalibur, you know the movie that teaches boys how to be alpha males.
Takahashi: strangely, the Disney sword/sorcery/sandals movie is DARKER than this!!!
Laertus: sword and sorcery was always my bag. but i never played Dungeons & Dragons, no club would take me. fantasy is like sci-fi without the spaceships. space rockets.
Eye: both genres have castles.
He-Man: that three-blades sword tho. right? what the FUCK was that thing? not a toy sword. 3 Sword, 3 blades, 3-bladed, it looked like a giant razor, lugging around a Big Scissors. the tri-sword was sold to kids at Renaissance faire trade shows after the movie not as a plushie plush, as an actual sword that could kill birds!!! for kids 7 and up. i mean this 3-sword is a SILLY SWORD, that's a LAUGHABLE LANCE, you can't take a musclebound warrior in a loincloth seriously carrying a Three Sword like this that projectiles blades like projectile vomit. it's more a rocket launcher than a sword. you have to understand, THIS SWORD WAS NOT PLASTIC!!! it's like those Nerf Darts kids play with that look like they're all foam but they're really metal with no hint of foam-rubber.
Laertus: the main character in this is a rogue, he's a mercenary, he's Han Solo combined with He-Man if both men weren't a cartoon.
Mardith: i know this is Medieval times. and the 1980s. BUT COME ON. a woman's only leverage is one night with her? she can bargain with sex, only sex, she can't use her wits, perhaps accumulation of wealth through her own entrepreneurial spirit, selling gold coins at trade fairs, she's able to get enough gold coins to open up her own mercenary business with her as CFO, F.O. which stands for Female Orgasm AND Fucking Awesome. C for Chief.
Madame Pons: sadly TIMES HAVEN'T CHANGED AT ALL IN 1000 LONG YEARS. sex is the only thing that remains a mystery to men, the one thing men can't control, a woman's sexual liberty is a power so great it guides the universe, she is SUPREME IN HER SEX, free to form new life and break the fragile male ego, a woman's unleashed sexual energy creates planets and stars. men are fearful of sex, deem it dangerous to society. sex can never be expressed in its most open form.
Tatiana: lesbianism?
Madame Pons: exactly. and only women can do that, only women know how to do that, to unlock sex's highest potential, sex's highest vibe ring of self-actualization.
Mardith: and sex's darkness.
Madame Pons: men have been trying to restrain and reduce that power of women for tens of centuries and could only come up with a pewter chastity belt and a rusty key.
Fuerza: YOU CAN'T CORRAL A GODDESS!!!
Fuerza: this leads to quite a few unguarded moments from men.
Laertus: they deliberately named the villain Cromwell, didn't they?
Kenyatta: oh look!!! the witch is that woman who sings the horse song from Silence of the Lambs. how convenient.
Doryce and Gladyce: she was our neighbor in America before everything happened...
Richard Moll: do i look cooler with orange, pink, or black skin? this is what happens when you stay out in the sun too long, this was a MAJOR concern in the 1980s, models were dying on the beach getting suntans. i'm only here to prove something that the 1980s world does not want to hear, i'm advocating for this tho everyone in the world and the known world and on set calls me a villain: the Night Court REBOOT WILL BE BETTER than the original. rest in pieces of juggle swords, Harold T. Stone. Xusia, i sound like a go-go dancer in one of those 1980s Madonna dance clubs.
Laertus: this is starting to become an episode of Hercules: The Legendary Journeys. that is not a good thing.
Cromwell: soon i will be the king of the world.........well king of the KNOWN WORLD.........i mean as far as we know the world is a small island, right?
Tyzik: this is Monty Python without the laughs.
Rubikon: i can't like The Holy Grail anymore. i'm the only black man who doesn't like Elon Musk.
Dirg: that's fucked up seeing your dad and then your mom beheaded by the lake, where was THAT HAND that comes out of the lake and saves you from a short life?
Ehdan: Eden
Alana: what's your price?
Talon: i really just want to fuck you.
Alana: what if i offered you a million gold coins?
Talon: i mean i'd be set for life with a million, especially in this time period. this is before wizards invented crypto. but honestly.........i mean i just want to fuck you, you know? what else is there to life? journeys, adventures, but eventually a man gets thirsty by the sea. i'll do the job for free, i'll do the swordfighting for free, i just want the sex, i just want your body.
Alana: do you recognize that i am THE ULTIMATE IN LIFE.
Talon: yes, by far, without question, i bow down to thee. the mystery of woman, unconquerable and strange. seductive, leads men to ruin, leads men to empty their semen and their bank accounts. or pouches as the case may be.
Rubikon: there's this weird section of the movie where they get all the black soldiers, i'm sure calling them "Moors", their talking and the whole jailbreak part and they're trying to say lines for comic relief but it's all too corny and forced. they're trying to do Blazing Saddles in the middle but they cut it off quickly.
Madame Pons: one of these actresses ended up the Queen of Sweden. they want this to be Beastmaster but it would not have made a good TV show. they want this to be Highlander but NOTHING is Highlander, especially if you're high whilst watching it. Highlander makes LESS SENSE HIGH.
King Richard: doesn't this remind you of Cagliostro? that Lupin III thing. or that other Lupin III movie?
Mogullen: beware of quintuple agents, they are the worst. i did modeling to pay for acting classes, not waitressing.
Talon: 11 years later, like Will & Grace.
Machelli: not Machiavelli...
Alana: remember, it's just for ONE NIGHT.
Talon: i am a lusty mercenary but i will be quelled with one thrust. of my sword. my longsword. my long longsword penis. when it comes to sex i was just curious, you know?
Talon: are you the rightful heir? i'm not into ruling kingdoms, i'm just in it for the kicks.
Mikah: you are so lucky you can ABANDON WITH ABANDON, i have to stay in my daddy's castle and eat cereal.
Talon: i swear i saw you in the Brady Bunch.........Brady Bunch Traveling Circus and Caravan of Lute Players, a right band of brothers. you have fro-hair goals for me. moptop for the masses. long hair on men is overrated.
Jesus: what fucking kind of wedding has a CRUCIFIXION in it?!!! guys you really gotta cool it with the crucifixion stuff, it's really not cool. it's not meant to be a display of power, it's just barbaric and it needs to STOP NOW.
Cromwell: i hope all my guests are enjoying themselves. triangle sandwiches in the foyer, my sword only cuts diagonal. and now there's gonna be a 50-minute montage set to the musical strains of that Copeland guy from Sting, see if you can cope.
Talon: i have no qualm nor quarrel with you.
Xusia: the woman is mine.
Talon: NOW we have a problem.
Talon: constrictor snake? oh yeah that's my nickname, that's the nickname i gave to inside my pants.
Talon: HA! i had a switchblade in my gauntlet, from experience, i went to prison, i did hard time for impersonating a horseman at Medieval Times in Arcadia.
Alana, blushing: don't we have some business to tend to?
Talon, smiling: we certainly do.
Alana: great, here, take this Wells Fargo credit card, just charge it to that card. everything, yeah, there's no limit on that red credit card with the horse on the card...
Talon: it's a red-and-yellow credit card, i was actually scared of the sex, scared of having to actually do sex with the princess...
Dusens get it done in the sound-production department.
Albert Pyun: don't be punitive, don't punish me for being a cool guy in a hot place. Hawaii. i was cooler than you'll ever be. i died at age 69 OF COURSE.
Fuerza: nice.
Roger Ebert: Identikit, you had to look that word up, huh?
Jack Tyree: REMEMBER ME!!! i was the stuntman KILLED in the making of this movie. i fell 80 feet off a cliff and missed the airbag. you fast-forwarded over my dive cos the movie got boring at that part, right? you bastards. NEVER FORGET!!!
Avo wraps his arms around my shoulder. Michaela From Safeway wraps her arms around my other shoulder.
me: i haven't gotten HUGGED IN AGES.
Michaela From Safeway: come on, it's not that upsetting, cheer up, it's like that Batman: The Animated Series episode "Christmas with the Joker" says: it's a wonderful life.
Avo: life does have its moments. never saw that movie, i'm just pretending to be Batman like all boys do.
me: i always wanted to be Robin.
Avo: i first learned the Batman Smells Joker Egg version of "Jingle Bells" from THIS episode, not the other way around, i didn't learn it on the asphalt schoolyard playground first.
me: i guess. like now. you're right, life has THIS MOMENT. with YOU TWO. i'm a sucker for a film-noir aesthetic. man i love that BTAS end theme by Danny Elfman, so much so i had to watch those episodes again.
Danny Elfman: it's Christmassy cos it's haunting.
me: aesthetic assuages my anxiety.
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