Friday, December 30, 2022



* this episode of Off The Air is WHAT I WANT TO DO FOR A LIVING

* everyone in Atlanta, Georgia wants to live in Los Angeles

* man: we'll flying into Baltimore to meet dad's new girlfriend. she's hot. like Tilda Swinton hot.
Zach G: Tilda Swinton was PERFECT CASTING to play David Bowie's wife in that music video cos she could play David Bowie HERSELF. i'm not interested in hot women, i'm interested in whether Lamar Jackson will suit up for the playoffs.

* Zach G: LaCroix is a magic elixir that gives me inner Triforce Power, it's not these Zelda Triangle tattoos on my inner forearms. you can't fly like this with Red Bull. Steven Spielberg ending.

* 1970s Love, American Style sprinkled with a bit of 1970s Monty Python, makes you never want to return home to 2023

* a woman is defined by keeping her word. then again, life for a woman on Earth is already Hell. Led Zeppelin's stairway goes both ways. why do all women's golf outfits look like pink Stepford Wives waitress aprons?

* what is eternity? professors droning on forever. 

* wake up to a time before when everyone was just thoughtful towards each other. i want to be.........known. you're just hungry, drink something. each minute is an unrepeatable miracle so don't try to repeat loaves and fishes, eat pizza instead. death is like watching late-night television all night, your eyes water, the edges start to blur where you don't know where one edge ends and the next edge starts, and you enter Heaven when you know there will be a new season of China, IL. everyone will think you're cool cos you ditched your Dolce & Gabbana for Vivienne Westwood.

* dog: you took my balls.
onion girl: come here, boy, come with me, doggie, away from a life of hell with Muscle Man from Regular Show.

* woman with red hair is ALREADY HOT, she's got NATURAL ELF EARS!!!
rancher: don't look at my nose, look at my social status. remember when Bush did 9/11?
ginger babe: yes i remember when the internet was innocent. i can help till the fields with you hence my cabbage tattoo on my forearm.
rancher: you can't just get Taco Bell with the coins you find fallen slipped in between the cracks of your cushions on your couch, that will never be enough money.

* i would SO WATCH a whole show in this animation style!!! 
pale vampire girl: i see my mother when i look at the puddle reflection.
pale vampire boy: no that's actually you at Age 45. you can see your reflection? you're not hot to me anymore.
pale vampire girl: we're Linda and Bob Belcher if they were hipsters and you wore a loud rainbow disco leather jacket.

* i shall search for God myself. this is the Monty Python cartoon. and How A Bill Becomes A Law, God's Law in this case. 1970s pencil sketchings and woodblocks. if Shel Silverstein did Fantastic Planet. we need to get back to the world when Shel Silverstein was big. Cher in a yellow bodysuit is crying cos she can't find God anymore. her God was Sonny Bono. God looks like Sonny Bono when Sonny was wearing the mustache. you can find God if you have a Foam Finger for a real finger.

* great giant wolf-horse has the balls that dog earlier wanted back. the wolf pees planets. the wolf tinkles outer space.

* i swear i saw that claymation skier planting the Tree of Life before.........on PBS Imagemakers or Film School Shorts definitely.

* Natalie Merchant in Angela Anaconda form jumping into a Stone Temple Pilots pool on the ceiling. looking back, Stone Temple Pilots was a rather silly name.

* Kathleen Beller's butt: hey watch that candle, don't let all that luxurious feathery Golden Fleece shag carpet under my cushiony bouncy gold-pixie-dust butt catch fire. my butt is already fire.

* traumabonding: don't use regular super glue, use the FlexSeal family of products.

* paper ceiling: punch through it with your pinkie ring.

* Frank Costanza: i'm one of The Three Stooges who survived into the 1990s...

* United Cup, tennis: it's called United Cup 2023 because it ends on this Sunday...

* lift ticket: a shot of bourbon before you strap on your skis at the top of the snow mountain.

* FlexTape guy: remember, ceiling=sealing.

* Clione: already in Heaven, swimming around. Heaven is an underwater place...

* Royal Match: for some reason, all kings need to look like Borat.

* Lysol: i never thought my kid would end up sleeping in the dog bed.

* Weight Watchers: keep a bottle of olive oil in your backpocket instead of your phone.

* Cecily Strong: on SNL i could say Einstein was dumb, i'm missing SNL already.

* Amazon: it doesn't matter if your gift was broken in our boxes, it's the thought that counts.

* Hilton Hotel soccer
crone witch old lady: what? eggs make your bones grow. i'm not scaring the children, that's nutrition. you know what's really scary? making poached eggs.
kid: i can't look alive standing at this goal like i'm a scarecrow. I'M FUCKING HUNGRY.
kid: yeah that's right pancakes AND waffles!!! goalie? that's a position? just have the goal empty, that would make soccer more fun.

* BetMGM
Jamie Foxx: Dallas covered the spread!!!
actress under the car dying: i can't believe i'm saying this, but the Dallas Cowboys are gonna win the Super Bowl. i am so sad right now because of the Cowboys.
Jamie Foxx: i know, right? Stephen A. Smith would have to quit ESPN.

happy weekend, my babies. food? nothing's open. don't stop believin'. i can't believe i'm still alive in 2023, it's a miracle, alleluia.

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