Wrexham: so yeah mate suddenly we have a Hollywood sign planted on our property. it's not a prop it's real! came into us like a ghost in the night. like one em Clint Eastwood salt pillars.
Deadpool: sorry about the extra salt in the food. i went to get the chimichangas and the coal locals called me gacho. i was just trying to brighten their day with my life.
first show back at the SNL Studios, first episode of the season is the Thanksgiving Special, first Weekend Update of the season:
Che hugs Colin then quickly replaces his chair with a chair Whoopi Goldberg is sitting on, Colin lands on her lap and tumbles over.
Whoopi: i'm Tuca for Season 3.
Che: BIG CONGRATS, MAN. wow! well, now it's official. it's not Instagram official it's OFFICIAL official. you're having a baby! with ScarJo!
Kramer: can i come back NOW? can i come back to this desk i owned, THIS Desk in the '90s, i got some new material for these times...
Pete Davidson: i mean i had sex with Phoebe Dynevor.........in the end that's all that really matters.
Dirg: they said they would only administer the vaccine needle in my taint.
Gladyce: i was SO THIRSTY this morning! i drank that cup of coffee like it was a voracious beast! like i was swallowing a mug of shark! i ate that drink. my lithe fainty body was so longing to be caffeinated it looped in circles above the gazebo.
Doryce: chocolate coffee-creamer? what's the point? it's not coffee anymore it's melted chocolate.
Paula Creamer: ...
Paula Creamer: i'm starring in the next Pink Panther movie...
Codrus: HERE THE TRAIN COMES!!! is it a ghost train? i don't need friends! is it a spirit train? i invented religion! a bullet train? i got a Cyndi camper for that!
Cyndi Lauper: leave me out of this! you deliberately gave me bad skin!
Codrus: shampoo.
Cotard: no, brother, the conductor of this train is none other than Mugen himself!
Mugen from Samurai Champloo: hey.
Codrus: you don't seem so tough, you're a pocket in a thin frame.
Mugen: whatever. the supplies are in the back. the supplies which will turn the tide of this war...
Martin Gore: don't be scared of my hair. vote for my face not my hair. shake the disease as you would a polaroid picture. they call me The Blond Cure. with a dash of Freddie Mercury in the pot to taste of course. a seasoning of salt. ya dig? understand me?
Kevin Costner: derecho. if you build it i will speak Spanish. gotta kiss my ring before you play ball on THIS field.
Codrus coughs quietly.
Cotard: whooping cough? there's a vaccine for that.
Codrus: will dry my mouth like a Filipino volcano evacuation conducted by the U.S. army.
Cotard: will feel like a sprinkle in your throat.
Lucia Lodge: the only football Charlie Brown ever kicked is cased behind glass here. Lodge Landlord Lucio Rossi is my best friend of all time ever.
Mystic Meg: this is what happened to Wednesday Addams...
Dirg: you have to watch out with this food, it's either sweetbread or gizzard.
Simone Veil: no masks for women here. i learned mysticism from my sister, my mysticism trumps your hate.
Gladyce & Doryce: two proper crone clones! we've never worn masks.
Simone Weil: the sex with Bukowski was kinky as all get out. that man was wild sober.
Avalon Harmonia: hello. i will be your new LUSH shoppe countergirl. i am not played by Susan Saint James. i also man the IFC Messageboards.
Brad Pitt: i don't want any bugs to be zapped. i love all animals. don't want ANY insecticide dumped in your pool. i did this BEFORE Angie.
Angi: want our list? of the best Spagos in L.A. to hire a plumber when it rains.
Mario: Spago named after spa. there's a spa in there everytime it rains.
Calquence: Berkeley frappuccino. tiny orange fruit
Gila Golan: i got a longer tongue than Gene Simmons. do not name the War after me. i'm the real Wonder Woman. i got the hills first. i'm Wonder Woman in real life.
Welcome To Plathville: there will not be any footage of ovens.
Trent Reznor: Cyndi Lauper? yeah we had a fling in the '80s. in a silver Coors-Light bullet-camper in the woods surrounded on all four corners of a circle by a bed of autumn leaves.
Dirg: there's always the one on the boat who wears the anime-newspaper shirt and ruins it for the rest of everybody else us.
Tyler Lyle: Hell Toledo! next time Tim will introduce my smoking hot Indian wife, she's the main singer not the backup singer. introduce her at the end of the show in San Diego. how do i maintain my mellifluous voice? i drink a lot of Hi-C.
Tim McEwan: your voice is Beauty. my synthesizer is Truth. the electric guitar is Search. the electric drum is Rescue. i manage Brentford as a sideproject. i am Kierkegaard reincarnated disproving his theory.
Dirg: why do the trashmen make it so hard for me to save the planet? i want to recycle! but you can only do it at 3:53 AM on Fridays.
Laertus: i always immediately tune out when i'm reading a piece of poetry and politicians is a word used in one of the line-stanzas.
Shakespeare: thank goddess my sex nausea waxes. otherwise i'd never get any folio work done!
Celine: right? mine wanes, unfortunately. gotta do the dirty with unsavory boys who are flakes at least once a business week. but i was still able to pen a diary during my copulation that was published.
Shakespeare: there are periods when all i think about is fucking like ducks. thank dark energy those periods break like a fever, abate like acid in air. and i can write a sonnet again.
Glenn Frey blowing his own sax: when i was doing "You Belong To The City" was i thinking of Freddie Mercury? of course i was, another one bites the dust on the lonely streets just before Blade Runner when the candlelight's on a timer. put that egg bite in my coffee.
The Midnight: that sax sounds familiar. that's our sax. and this is somehow our taxi, too.
Dirg: why does everybody make such a big deal about their birthday on Instagram?...
Takahashi: when you find out after spending 10 years with the same bunch of guys online on the anime messageboards they all turned out to be alt-right incels...
Melbourne: a beat-up Dodge junkhead grey roadster with one white racing stripe, gotta love Obec.
Mr. Clean: i may be fat now but my teeth are so white they don't need the Unicorn scrub-pad.
Scappa: the school cappuccino that turned me into an atheist
Una Stubbs: no i am not sketch. i am ANYTHING BUT sketch. i'm a national treasure. i died when i stubbed my toe on an English garden...
Dog The Bounty Hunter: i'm a huge Depeche Mode fan. everyone has another hole to feed. until it gets bountied.
cat familiars: Bounty quicker-picker-upper? we vomit a lot, that's what it is to have cats.
Dirg: spare me that sheet of drugs, slip it to me under the stall.
Freddie Mercury eating a hot dog: me, too.
George Costanza's mom: me, too. people don't remember but i was married to Puddy the whole time on the show.
Elaine Benes tonguing George: this is for Pretty Woman, you got me hot there.
Tim Heidecker shaking his head: i was trying to recreate the Mighty Boosh Crimp scene.
Asta: the new intro is sounding quite like a certain Power Rangers theme song. makes sense, our magic, their Mystic Force.
Michael Weiss growing out his beard again: Instagram is just a place for bootycalls...
Michael Weiss: my one-man show on Broadway will directly follow once Bruce is done, no cover, doors at 7.
Boc: Pak-A-Sak, my new nightclub casino. i've been missing Monte Carlo.
John Ritter: i compose classical music on the side...
Seth Green on a surfboard: the Unconsciousness Razor, it's like Occam's Razor with drugs.
Nancy Griffith: yeah everyone talks about existentialism on prom night but i actually experienced it. i live it again and again.
Pat Hitchcock: Encino is good. but Thousand Oaks is Shangri-La. i lived in a small mansion nestled by gates and birds.
Alma Reville: i made the flapper hat look GOOD.
Takahashi at the Thousand Oaks McDonalds: why do people leave bad reviews here? you're living in paradise, you're living in Los Angeles, be happy.
Madame Pons in the top-down Firebird waving: come on Taka dear, we're gonna be late to the Melody Theatre.
The Crab Bucket in Seaside: is it human nature to hold others back?
Laertus: i get the whole bib-with-the-lobster-on-it aesthetic. but i've never been into seafood.
Billy Corgan: i patrol down there twice or thrice on weekends to make sure David Pajo doesn't come in for lobster.
John McLaughlin: remember when politics was fun?
Mayim Bialik: pardon me, i have to sonder in the Joshua-Tree caves for a day. everyone get the vaccine i'm so happy right now!
Jim Cantore: i remember that hurricane. that one was my white whale. i sang to it as i mounted it with my cowboy hat on yelling yippee! as i smacked its wave ass. 500 millibars, never seen anything like it before or since.
High Guardian Spice: Stephen Universe? the boy? no we're more like Dune...
Sting: my song "When We Dance", good for men who are shy with words, can't express emotion to their lady, how they really feel. don't say a word, just pop this music video in the VCR and show her.
Kurt Cobain: thanks...
Dave Grohl: it's the perfect wedding video.
Sting: slip this to her. post this to her as a secret song and let her decipher the lyrics.
Johnny Manziel: the news says Gen Z is struggling. i got news for them: i'm Johnny Manziel.
Joe Namath: ...
Phoenix: Valley of the Sun? i like rain.
Codrus: ajvar is my favorite food.
The Turin Horse: ...
Codrus: aye aye, Captain My Captain. this spread does everything, it's the captain of her heart, Fuerza's heart. run out of spaghetti sauces to try? eat me! keep the door ajar so the whole village can watch.
Cotard: you always descend into food when you're losing the moral high ground in a war.
Ferragosto: less scary than Midsommar. time for lighthouse games!
Boc: i thought i was being playful. i thought i was being fun. i sprayed the GrubHub lady with water as she approached the driveway. she did not like that much. there's no aqua appreciation outside Atlantis. i like my fast food wet. oh, remember to water your shed roof. a little juice, spritz up top there, everyone neglects the shed roof. everyone forgets to feed it water.
DoorDash hangs up when it realizes the driveway belongs to Codrus...
Yukihisa from Fena: my beard is more like my mask.
Karin: i'm the good karen. the shipwright karin. it's like the Goonies submarine in the Robin Williams Popeye cove.
Alex Trebek: my last appearance was in virtual reality.........i'm screwed.
Laertus to Dirg: i got you a little something for back-to-school. it's Crayola Colors of Kindness...
Melbourne: the car-show noise does disrupt the holy silence of nature tho.
My Hero Academia: in four months.........Christmas is ruined.
Aeon Flux: i wish the back of my eye was eyelashes. the back of my eye is flies!
Major Motoko Kusanagi: have you ever noticed that the best voice actresses are also the best singers?
Aldon Jacob: i was that unknown lukewarm kid, that slight Filipino boy you went to Palma with. went unnoticed for four years. little did you know i had a goddamn golden booming voice in my throat. would end up doing traffic reporting in a pod booth when i grew up. i got a spine, i got a wife. you didn't dim my Hawaiian light i'm at Round Table being happy this one day watching the game with my friends. i'm doing video game and anime voiceovers next, bitch.
Dirg: the worst is when you have to translate a Serbian quote that's in Hindi.
Dirg: i don't get it, the girls on Instagram all have on their profile:
don't contact me unless you're serious. i want marriage, kids, family
i contact them but they all disappear from my feed the next day...
Nuala McGovern in a purple wine cocktail dress: THIS is what Miss Scarlet looks like.
Olga Ospina: Goldeneye was my favorite video game, too. i played it alone in my room on my Super Nintendo in the '90s when i moved to a farm in the middle of California. in order to move to the glitz glamor and baby of Los Angeles i had to give up being am anchor and just be the weather girl...
Takahashi: for some the only writing they'll ever do is that review of how bad the service was at their local McDonalds.
Louise Fazenda: i came up with the kewpie-lips face of silent film actresses, i imitated my chicken.
Dostoevsky: why count the days? one day contains all happiness. one day contains all eternity. besides, what turn-of-the-century Russian man has a calendar anyway. no wonder i was depressed all the time, that mock execution really fucked me up for life, my entire opus, my entire writing career, almost never happened at all.
Lee Thompson Young: firing squad. dirty thirties. if only i had a time machine.
Takahashi: if you're parents and you're still watching Rick and Morty for fun, that's a precarious situation...
Babyface Edmonds: WHERE THE HELL HAVE I BEEN?!!!
Ancestry.com: how did we get that obscure photo of you that only you know about? don't worry about that, just look at the photo.
Tony Hawk: i should play a hawk on Tuca & Bertie. the hawk that Bertie taught to skateboard.
Ex-President Bump: remember when i said nothing matters?...
Madame Pons: Accent salt?
Mardith: it makes Frasier Crane British.
Dirg: it tastes disgusting.
Eye Luggage: it's not salt. it's not pepper. it tastes like chicken.
Dirg: Virgin Lemonade?
Eye Luggage: it's for the Paul Newman camp kids!!!
Michael Weiss alone in a movie theatre watching Reminiscence: Instagram gives me something to do. it focuses my rambling mind. it actually gives me a reason to live. it provides for me a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
Gladyce: i need a third drink after my coffee and Coke.
Doryce: plain sodawater, dear, it's easy to make.
Laura Prepon: i quit Scientology four years ago...but i'm back now, baby!
Dirg: everybody smirks when they're taking a nude selfie, it's Selfieception.
Codrus: it's weird when people enter the monastery then leave to become a Hollywood star. they go from one extreme to the other.
Richard Grieco is crying on the shoulder of JaVale McGee's mom, she blankets him on her arm.
JaVale McGee's mom: go on, cry, baby, CRY IT ALL OUT, BABY!!! i'm not your mom or your secret Everwood girlfriend but i will be. don't worry about getting tears on your vinyl jacket.
Madame Pons: when you're reading you're staring at a thin piece of tree bark from Obec Woods and hallucinating for five hours. LUSH needs a library wing.
Clarissa Ward: i'm sexy as fuck out in the field. i explain it all, no magic, just guts.
Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Elias Koteas: you know those sporting figures on your Pee Chee? i carved those.
Eye Luggage: Mugen Train and go.
Mugen: wake me up if i fall asleep on your tits.
Eye: um, we want all to participate. infinite. what did this do for Demon Slayer's reputation?
Laertus: enhanced it. before the show was a low-grade tepid Inuyasha ripoff knockoff.
Laertus's dad: that's ma boy.
Dirg: disagree. this show has guts. it has real man fighting in a cruel age where you need to be tough to survive. it has a dude in a boar-head, he wears it cos he's strong.
Eye: no he wears it cos that whole character was clearly meant to sell toys at cons.
Mugen: hey everybody, listen up everyone.
Eye: i'm offended.
Mugen: i've had bigger. but i've had smaller. listen up, this train is your car.
Eye: i'm a tote-carrying member of PBS. my card is on my dash. i listen to PBS radio while the garage door of my boat is opening up, the door is partly underwater...
Tanjiro: i'm sweet like a tangerine. but i've had a cruel life. seeing my whole family slaughtered and now there's a lot of sketchy art of my sister online, she predicted masks with that bamboo stick on her mouth. that bamboo has been the subject of a lot of foul drawings of her.
Nezuko: i get to kick ass in this! but i still don't have any lines.
Zenitsu: who's more annoying? me, the guest-hero, or the villain?
Inosuke: i'm the crier of the group.
Tanjiro: if i hadn't gotten my ticket punched none of this would have happened.
Nezuko: but i want to dance with you, brother.
Kyojuro Rengoku: not the Bleach babe.
Garfield: blech.
Goku: hi.
Kyojuro: GO ON!!! USE THE ENTIRE ANIMATION BUDGET ON MY FLAMES! I'M A ONE-SHOT CHARACTER!!!
Enmu: Enigma did my background music.........but not live.
Enmu: am i a boy with a girl's voice or a girl with a boy's voice? it doesn't matter aren't my tear tattoos pretty?
Eye: not a good look this week to have girls in bondage. insomnia? more like enigma.
girl in chains: i gotta get outta here. but it's all in the mind. i may be young but i've already seen Inception and heard "Woman In Chains".
Enmu: the human is so easy to hurt, no weapons required. just attack the heart, and they'll fold like Afghanistan. it's like Prince and the battlefield of the mind. i look like Prince.
Tanjiro: i am so sorry for what Enmu put you through. i know this isn't consolation for all the pain but if you wait a little bit longer Rick from Rick and Morty will be showing up on this train...
Morty: and shown up. by me.
Enmu: once again, the eternal question: is Heaven real? or is it a dream? and how would you ever tell the difference?
Tanjiro: this is too happy to be real. and in truth the balls of rice here are a little too sticky for my taste. this is becoming too Twilight Zone and i'm too young to watch that show. i have to accept real pain over dream happy.
Michael Stipe: ...
Kyojuro: little brother, i believe in you. even tho dad doesn't believe in me nor you.
little brother: what happened to dad? he lies in front of the tv all day on the couch drinking beer not sake.
Kyojuro: he was a writer for Rick and Morty but they let him go.
Tanjiro's dad: kill yourself and all your dreams will come true.
Tanjiro: oh no, you won't get me that way, i watched Videodrome while you and mom went to my Catholic parent-teacher conference!
Zenitsu: please let this be real. i'm marrying my best friend's sister. please don't let this be another wet dream.........oh shit i've been underwater this whole time!
Inosuke: can i be a dog for real?
Enmu: you beheaded me. but that was just my boar head.
Enmu: I'M THE MOTHERFUCKING TRAIN NOW! MY BODY IS THE TRAIN! THIS LONG WIDE GIRTHY BLACK TRAIN IS MY COCK!!!
Inosuke: is this his backbone or is everything his boner?
Tanjiro: can't wait for electric trains next year, you'll like Disneyland, you'll feel right at home there. mission accomplished. come on, let's take a break. have some tea, my earrings are teabags.
Akaza: we need to fill 2 hours, we're special, we're a theatre anime movie! i'm like if Gaara was bad, ACTUALLY bad.
Akaza: i can see Russia from my house, i have demon eyesight. i don't get it, if you're immortal like me you don't have to die.
Aeon Flux: SIT BOY! for you, nothing will ever matter.
Doctor Who: you're not beautiful. but you are sad.
Tanjiro: YEAH RUN AWAY YOU COWARD!!!!!!!!!!
Akaza: what do you expect, my name means mist.
Tanjiro: no your name means cum. i'm a boy but i've had to grow up fast. you don't come, you go away!
Kyojuro: please don't be sad. please don't get on the sad train. death is inevitable. i am so happy all of you boys are crying your red eyes out your hearts out for me that makes me feel good. makes me feel special and appreciated. but please, stop your blubbering enough so you get distracted enough to pick me up, don't prop me up so i'm dead but in a standing position so i become a scarecrow to the local village elders and children.
Kyojuro: i know it sucks. but life is good. never stop believing. never stop believing in Santa Claus, like your reindeer friend over here.
Inosuke: it's a boar head. i'm crying under this mask.
Mickey Mouse: never stop believing in me. and my boar head.
the singer of the end song of this film cries on Alexandra Silber's bloused shoulder.
Alexandra: it's okay if you're an unknown singer. if you're a singer who's only known for this one song. i've been there.
singer: i couldn't get through the recording of this song, the lyrics are so sad and cut me deeply personally in my heart. i got choked up and had to stop singing.
Michael Stipe laughs...
singer: it took 4 takes but we made it 5.
Alexandra: it's the sibilance of the singing, the bamboo shoot through which the sad comes out, and shoots you into space superstardom. like a chute. whether your first was Sound of Music or Hair, this is no time to climb ev'ry mountain on your way out of Vienna, we must stand up and fight this virus together as one. g'night, folks.
Codrus: what's in the back? the back of your trainbed. beddies?
Mugen: oh that? a bunch of samurai swords. long-ass ones longer than Redwoods. a nice small pile of swords, enough to kill you.
Codrus: and THAT?
Mugen: oh that's a pile of Air Jordans, sneakers from the future. everyone says i have chicken legs, my calves and ankles are so damn skinny people think i can't walk let alone samurai. not to mention everyone mentioning how i have bad suntans on my wrists and ankles. using these shoes to try to pump up my calves and ankles. g'night, folks.
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